EP 402

"Who the fuck does that? If a girl is laying on you, you have sex with her." - Sexy Anne Frank

"Oh, she's squirting early." - Brofman, re: XXXtine's victory splash on her team after she bowled a strike in game one

"Jerry is the silent but deadly sausage." - Big Willie Style

"OH MY GOD!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!" - JerSean

"This is game 1." - Jesse

"A Jew speaking math is like a bird squawking. I don't understand a word of it. I'm anti-Semathic." - Head Homo to Brofman, who was trying to explain how to figure out who had won game one

"They all deserve the Head Homo award - they have different high fives for different scores that they get. That's the gayest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen some gay shit." - Head Homo (re: the Pinnetrators)

"You know that some people believe that blue balls don't exist?" - Tucker

"When I'm with a guy, I never see blue balls, cause I finish what I start." - Sexy Anne Frank

"If you want a good gay joke, go hit up Orne." - Brofman

"If you want a good gay joke, that IS Orne." - Sexy Anne Frank

"This is a split (makes a "V" over her vagina). This is a strike (makes an "X" over her vagina)." - Mugge

"I'm a grower, not a shower." - Head Homo

"I taught Moonie about pearl necklaces, bukkake, donkey punching, the basics of life. You think she'd know about them, being Asian." - XXXtine

"What does it feel like to go home and not have anyone to tell about how great a job you did bowling tonight? Cause I get to go home to my wife." - Brofman

"I go home and whack off." - Sexy Anne Frank

"_______________" - Head Homo

"Ok, that's crossing the line." - Brofman (this quote was censored by the Commish. And humanity)

"I'm not just a rack!!" - XXXtine

Moonie tries to do a chest bump and rolls right off of XXXTine's boobs.

"You just slick-boobed!" - Me

"Someone should tell him hand sanitizer's not a good lubricant." - Head Homo

"Sorry, I just jerked off in the bathroom." - Derek

"Blah blah blah, unforgettable quote after unforgettable quote!!" - Brandon

"I'm gonna dress like you for Halloween. All I need is a Coheed and Cambria sweatshirt and I'm set." - Berardi to Hale

"Who stole my shoes!!???!!" -Camilla

To the tune of "Hey Mickey!"...."Hey Titty!" - Everyone around XXXtine

"Come to papa, come to papa...." - Paulsen waiting for a spare

He picks up the spare, jumps over the seats, and almost kills Derek's girlfriend

"I don't want to go to papa!!" - Dana

Lil Patrick gets molested under Brandon's shirt.

"That was not a chest bump." - Lil Patrick (might have been crying a little)

"How am I the only person who doesn't do drugs!!?? Between two teams!!" - Hale

"Dawn milked a baby tiger in Thailand!! With its cracked out mother right beside her!!" - Maegamyte/ Double E (it was a combo)

I almost just hit send with only the quotes - it's kinda all you need. I gotta get some work done today, so here are the highlights from last night:

-My Team is Love, to further spite Lappy, is now calling themselves Baby Tigers. Anything to get a rise out of Lappy, who continues to not show up. Meanwhile, his KingPin gets further and further away from him, as Rick Shirey bowled a 223!!! last night!!!! Rick Dick Strong!!

-Sadly for Maegamyte, the QueenPin is also quickly becoming a lady-equivalent of a wet dream, as Moonie and JessiCan battle it out in their slick shoes for the title. Moonie bowled a freaking 184 last night!!! JessiCan is bowling steadily in the 150s!!! Do we have a 1930 East Germany scandal on our hands!!!?? Juicing!!

-Speaking of the Nazis....__________________ (this part of the recap has also been censored. Make the connection.)

-In possibly the funniest/saddest moment of the night, Camilla almost had to do a barefoot walk of shame from El Dorado, which in all of league history has only ALMOST happened.....to JerSean. (thanks to good samaritan teenagers, possibly Mormons, whom he had befriended in the night, they noticed that his sneakers were still there and ran out to find him in the parking lot, possibly smashing vodka glasses). Luckily, after running around in socks (and sliding all over the place, adorably pathetic), finally Pirahna admitted to having taken them. And the Commish notes that her entire team abandoned her to the shoeless wolves throughout the whole shenanigans. (sheganery?)

-Hale is the sole non-drug user amongst his team (Jesse, Moonie, Roxy, & JessiCan), and his opposing (JerSean, XXXtine, Brandon, Lil Patrick, and Derek). So Mom & Dad were wrong, drugs ARE cool!!!

-In perhaps the most calculating and heartless move EVER, Brofman decided to try to get in Sexy Anne Frank's head (because she was bowling better than him, note the game scores)....he goes, "What would depress her the most?? Oh yeah, she's single!!" and proceeded to make cat lady jokes all night. Sadly, this strategy did not work for my team, seeing as we lost all three games. I forgot how to bowl, I think. I know it involves cocklate shots, but I forget the next part...

-Farm Leaguer Kristen Spaur has requested to be nicknamed "Garlic Areola" in regards to an incident in a restaurant where she misunderstood the meaning of aoli....

-Dede is asking where Korpack is. According to Paulsen, the REAL reason he wasn't there last night was because:

"Oh, I guess Korpacz didn't "like" his girlfriend's facebook page!! He probably had to do damage control, cause he's dating Justin Bieber!!"

Yeah, Korpacz. This is what it feels like to be on the Commish's shit list. Speaking of which, how exactly did you hurt your bowling wrist? Was it from saying, "Fabulous!!" too many times or while knitting your girlfriend a sweater??

Speaking of shit list...

1. A Tie! between Korpacz, Lappy, and Hols to the Wall!!! (where are you???? and why do you have a tattoo?)

Slick Boobs!!

-The Commish