Quotes of the night:
"You knocked down those pins like Sandwiches was behind them!" - Double E to Head Homo
"I'm not a quote mongerer, but I just want you to know I thought of that really early on, and then I waited patiently until the right moment appeared." - Double E, regarding the quote above
"You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" - Camila to JerSean, re: copyright infringement of her catchphrase, "Fuck that Pin!"
"Camila, where have you been? The French say hello in whatever fruity language they say it in!!" - JerSean
JerSean yelling at Korpacz incoherently.
Korpacz yelling over him: "Bhuh bhuh bhuh bhuh bluh bluh bluh!"
"You're not a charming douche! You're just a douche!" - Double E to Brandon
Don't have the direct quote, but Brofman talking about, "finding Lappy in the street 10 years ago, doped up on methadone, dick in his mouth." See Brofman's full story of "Lappy: Behind the Pins", airing on A&E this fall.
"Yay! I'm cheering for you!!" - Dawn to Brandon (who is not on her team)
"How could the worst team in the league beat the best team in the league??" - Head Homo
"They're licking their wounds and getting stoned." - JerSean, re: Straight...and Hard
"Who put all the stoners on one team??" - Head Homo
"Brandon made the teams...." - Me
"We want to instill a drug testing policy. I'm starting with this motherfucker." - Head Homo re: Brandon
"Has anybody noticed the air is a little bit lighter this week? A little less...poopy? Less...poopy pants?" - JerSean
"Smells like Teen Spirit!" - Korpacz
"My grandma bowls quicker than you, and she's dead!" - Korpacz to JerSean
"Your grandma ruhr ruuhrr rhhurr!!" - JerSean
"Are those words?" -Me
"Starts with a letter, ends with yelling." - Maegamyte
"Oh Brandon, that sucked." - Dawn, "trash-talking" Brandon
"Why are you yelling about gay people?" - Me to JerSean
"Because you can't yell about black people, that's racist!!" - JerSean
"There was a room full of turduckens, and you wonder why you couldn't find Sandwiches??" - JerSean to Head Homo
"Oprah, Sandwiches, Gayle, turducken, you fill in the rest." - JerSean
"Wait a minute, Oprah went down on my dog???" - Head Homo, trying to get clarification
"You don't know about this weekend! There were skanky girls! Sandwiches! Turduckens!" - JerSean
"There were no turduckens!" - Holly
"There were turduckens everywhere!" - JerSean
JerSean explaining to Dede what a turducken is:
"It's the perfect Thanksgiving dinner! A little chicken for you, a little turkey for me, a little duck for Grandma Betsy over there!"
(Dede shakes her head and walks away)
"Christopher, you want me to close you out?" - Hewitt, the waitress
"Wait, is that a way of telling me I've had too much?" - Head Homo
"No, I compare everyone to Sean before I do that." - Hewitt (zing!)
"Was there a ransom note on the door? Was there any indication that Sandwiches was inside or kidnapped??" - JerSean to Head Homo
"I got an email from Al Qaeda!" - Head Homo
"You gotta wonder if the business we bring in counters the business we scare away." -Brofman
Probably the most profound quote of the season is the above, from Brofman. After 10 long weeks, we are certainly wearing out our welcome at El Dorado. Perhaps it was the lack of buffer around us - we were virtually alone in the alley last night, which made our screams all the louder, and JerSean's dismantling of the bowling lanes more obvious than usual. Perhaps it was that the two loudest, drunkest, most drugged up, most obnoxious/most entertaining teams in the league were playing each other last night, Straight...and Hard vs. JerSean's Designated Drivers. Perhaps it was the fact that someone (hopefully not one of us) had an "accident" all over the back of the ladies toilet, and I made one of the workers clean it up before I would use the facility. (I'll give you a hint - it was as though someone had poopy pants, minus the pants. And then missed the toilet.) At any rate, based on the announcements made at the end the night, as well as the talking-to I got from Rick, wondering if he was going to have to throw people out and/or break up a fight, I think we may have squandered two seasons of goodwill in one night. Hopefully, they still made lots of money, and will forgive us. Thank goodness the long, long season is over and playoffs are beginning next week -- but then again, with the competitive juices flowing, things could only get much, much worse. We might need to take a long holiday in between this season and next to let them miss us (and to avoid the inevitable damages).
But - before we get to playoffs, some highlights of last night:
Number one moment of the night, possibly the season - during game one, Miss Congeniality, Red Dawn - the last frame of the game, Brandon "Massengill" Roberts, tried to psyche Dawn out by getting the entire league to watch her bowl - no pressure! You just have to roll a strike to win!! This, in spite of the fact that she was cheering him on throughout the game - but as seen above, he is a douche, and not a charming one. And what did she do? She bowled a strike! (and then promptly gave him two middle fingers - with a big smile). But she wasn't done yet - she then went on to bowl a second strike, putting the nail in the coffin, sealing the deal for the Designated Drivers, and finally winning one for the good guys. Unfortunately, her team then got ridiculously drunk and delirious off the win (also, they got literally drunk), and proceeded to lose the next two games. But still - the crowd went wild, even Dede came out to watch, and Dawn sealed the Miss Congeniality prize and possibly MVP award for her team. She is a ray of light on an increasingly belligerent (JerSean) and catty (Head Homo) team. Yaaaay Dawn!!
Also, the same game wins the Guinness World Record for the longest bowling game in the history of all time. In between all of the incoherent yelling (it was like a South Park episode - I could barely get quotes between the "Ruhhrruuhrr!!! RUHRRRHRR!!" from Korpacz and JerSean, and high-pitched enthusiasm from Red Dawn), and the extended smoke breaks, and the reminiscing of events of this weekend, there was a lot less bowling than socializing. And yelling. Not to mention the turducken incident, of which no one is sure how it got started. Or how it got connected to Holly's house and the Sandwiches incident. Or how Oprah got involved.
Not to mention the amount of bowling balls being thrown about. Between JerSean angrily kicking his ball around on the floor, to Korpacz and JerSean throwing their balls at each other, to Camilla finally lifting up two balls to her crotch area and humping Christopher with them, you might say we've gotten a little too comfortable with the bowling alley. Also, we've most likely (by "we" I mean "JerSean") broken the ball return. Or several of them.
Thank god the playoffs are here. Next week is perhaps the most important game of the season - at least for the bottom four teams. 3 Hole Surprise has snuck up on the number one spot - just like last season, De-Recking Ball Kind has held back until the clutch moment - and his team earned a BYE, as well as my team, Tonight We Strike!, who sealed the number two spot last night with a 3 game sweep! against XXX Productions. Alex Katz, that's right, Lappy beat you - if you had been there, you might have won. Just sayin'.
So next week, 3 Hole Surprise and Tonight We Strike! will be relaxing, playing a "fun" game (aka for money $$), while the other four teams must fight in the wildcard game for their spot in the playoffs. JerSean's Designated Drivers face off against Straight...and Hard for the second week in a row - that first game proved they are capable of beating them, if only they can focus on playing rather than drinking and fighting (or at least channel their anger towards the other team rather than against inanimate objects). No pressure, guys, but that would mean the Karate Kid DID come true, but in this case, the karate kid is a drunken belligerent JerSean LePaulsen. Maybe it's Major League instead? To bring the Charlie Sheen comparison full circle? JerSean is winning!
Also, XXX Productions will play All Hale Thee Finns, which is a hard match-up to call - especially given their spotty attendance records. With Hale possibly gone forever in MasterChef land, this is XXX Productions' chance to take back their early season advantage -- but then again, Big Boss Man and Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid could also be m.i.a. But Chumsys has been boning up on her ball skills in the Motherland...there are a lot of balls up in the air here. Big ones.
One last announcement - with the regular season at a close, I would like to point out the Most Reliable Players Awards, aka Perfect Attendance. Those nerds...ahem, dedicated players, are:
Double E
Jerrycurl
Greg Ice Berg
The LH Assassin (aka Christopher Harris)
Brofman (including Valentine's Day, when his team wasn't even playing - he came just for fun!)
Jesse
Samsonite, aka Alex Katz's nemesis (Kyle Swanson)
Wes
You will get your perfect attendance! awards! with smiley stickers and gold stars! possibly at the end of the season partay. Details to be announced soon about date/time/place.
See you in the playoffs!!
-The Commish
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
EP 208
Quotes of the night:
"Sorry, I'm not used to throwing money at strippers - I mean, commissioners." -Head Homo, while throwing the league treasury at my head
"That's his dragon ball. Right next to his dragon penis!" - Head Homo (re: Santa, the real owner of Dragonball)
"Chris, have you ever been to Planned Parenthood? It's a great place to pick up chicks." - Mike Hale
"I couldn't care less what my team does as long as Straight and Hard loses." - Hale
Amazing strike by Chris Harris, aka the LH Assassin: he falls halfway down the lane and still makes it!
"It should be a foul. Didn't know we were playing by prison rules." - Hale
"I think we need to start running pelcos." - Kevin Finn
"We need live loggers." -Brofman
"Elizabeth the shit outta that!!" - Head Homo (hit your stride!!)
"Alex looks like he's 20 years older than the rest of us!!!" - JerSean
"Put that pen down!!" - Alex Katz to me
"The reindeers are waiting, Santa." - Double Ee
"F U U U C C C K K K K" - JerSean hits the ball return really, really hard. "Fuck."
"Statistically, I don't do well with the lights off." - Hale
"Sloop!! Sloop a Loop!!" - Alex the PA to Sloop John B
"JerSean lost his virginity to the Verve!!" - Red Dawn, Hols to the Wall, Head Homo
"NO!! NO!! NO!! NO!! The Verve, who's the fucking Verve!!" - JerSean
"Isn't that song only 3 minutes long?" - Head Homo
"It only took 30 seconds, bro. Who we trying to kid here?" -JerSean
"That's a bittersweet symphony right there!" - Head Homo
"As long as he doesn't throw up on me right now, we'll revisit this later." - Alex Katz, re: new feud with JerSean
"Do you want to get thrown up on!!?? Dede, can we get some warm beer out here??" - JerSean
JerSean's answer to why he was yelling in Alex Katz's face:
"That (bleeping bleeper) got close in the third game. I can't even talk about this without getting warmed up. It's so fucking hot in here!! To make a long story short, we're gonna have a grudge match until the end of the season. I mean, he's top 20, I'm top 40, and he still comes close??? That f-ing (bleep) son of a bitch motherf-er. Mother fucker!! (Bleeeeep)"
Christine: "I could watch this all day."(JerSean throws his coat down in anger.) "I mean, he told his jacket where to go."
"I'm not getting in there unless you have Bittersweet Symphony!!" - JerSean, as Double E attempts to drive him home
HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT AND HARD GOING DOWN FASTER THAN A CHARLIE SHEEN HOOKER
I'll get to the headline news shortly. First off, to address JerSean LePaulsen. In the first half of the night, I was eagerly straining my ears for some quoteworthiness from JerSean, but I was getting nothing. All I heard was some variation of, "What?? Are you kidding me?? Fuck that pin!! Are you kidding me?? WHAT??? Fuck that pin!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? FUCK!!" I started getting a sense of deja vu - where had I heard this before?
Cara Castranuova.
That's right. Xtine and I made a revelation that JerSean, much like our harpy-voiced new trainer, has taken to relying on yelling a few key phrases to make it through the night (slash workout). "Suck it up! Harder! Harder! Suck it up!! Like you mean it!! You're a fighter!! Fight it out to the end!! Harder! Harder!" and so on, and so forth. However, after extensive Jennie notes to go into JerSean's backstory, story team Head Homo, Red Dawn, and Hols to the Wall made an amazing discovery - JerSean lost his virginity to the song "Bittersweet Symphony." We are currently building a :30 package with flashbacks and pictures that now must be used and referenced in every episode--ahem, bowling night--from this point forward. Ashley is working on clearing the song, but seeing as the Rolling Stones might object, Ah2 is doing a quick ripoff that will sound very similar to Little Hero.
As for the other JerSean story to follow - he is now $200 in the hole to Alex Katz. Carrying over a feud that started in fantasy basketball, JerSean and Katz will be putting 100 beans on the line every Monday night from this point forward. This might be better than the Derek/Lappy bet - more money, plus JerSean gets really, really into feuds. By the way, if you were curious about the bleeps above, for some reason, I feel kinda uncomfortable calling my boss a "c----s----." Also, I couldn't write fast enough to catch all of the expletives.
Onto the headline! Straight...and Hard has started taking the drug called Charlie Sheen, and it is not working out as well as their other drug use. In spite of the tiger blood running through their veins, their rein of terror on the league has officially been cancelled. The 5 and a half men have been tied for first, and according to recent NASDAQ reports, their stock is definitely trending down, down, down. Sell now. Sell fast. Sell hard. As for their progress in their Female-Awareness-and-Sensitivity Campaign (FAASC), they are trending upwards. They've moved from the phallic phase (all male, all the time), past the V phase (where they simply referred to their female player as "Vagina"), straight to the mother phase (Christine is now their "Momma Bear.") They sure are moving through Freud's stages of development quickly.
As for more high-brow references, the play was the thing last night. Or rather, the lights were the thing, where we caught the conscience of the person who called the bowling alley last week and asked to keep the lights on. (Sorry, I am not Shakespeare). Much like Hamlet, I purposely asked our friend Rick to turn the lights out last night, keeping close tabs on our two main suspects, Hale and Head Homo, to see how they would react. Me and Double E (aka Horatio) noticed that Head Homo's reaction was disproportionately loud and angry when the lights went out. Granted, so was Hale's, so really, we are no closer to the truth than before. But seeing as Head Homo threw an envelope at my head twice last night, I've decided he is the culprit, and shall be punished at some point in the future. I would punish Hale too, but his scores are punishment enough. (zing!)
One last thing! JerSean's Designated Drivers, long the Bad News Bears of this league, are finally trending upwards! After a tough win last night against XXX Productions (Dan Reid, where are you??), coupled with their tie and win the previous week against heavyweight 3 Hole Surprise, it's official - this team is no longer in dead last place! Finally, Red Dawn's sunshine morning has broken.
With one team moving up, another team has moved down - and its players appear to have given up. Hale, perhaps making a point about his beloved lights being turned out, purposely threw gutterballs and/or chucked the ball down the lane without caring for the rest of the night. Double E turned bitter and angry, alternately yelling at people for delaying the game, and then fraternizing with other teams rather than her own. Only Santa remained cheerful and jolly, but then again, he is Santa. I'm starting to think that Double E is not Daniel-san, but perhaps Luke Skywalker, turning to the dark side with Hale and his pessimism (I don't know if that actually happens in Star Wars, but it sounded good to me. Plus, you'll be outed as a nerd if you disagree.)
Ok! Two more games left in the regular season. Next week, All Hale Thee Finns play JerSean's Designated Drivers, Tonight We Strike! plays 3 Hole Surprise (yikes!), and XXX Productions plays Straight...and Hard (come on, porn!). I will not be here next week because I'm heading to Australia on vacay. I don't know if I'll have email access, so I....um...thinktherewon'tbearecapnextweekomgi'msorry. I will be back on the 14th. Be strong, league. Be strong.
G'day, mates.
-The Commish
"Sorry, I'm not used to throwing money at strippers - I mean, commissioners." -Head Homo, while throwing the league treasury at my head
"That's his dragon ball. Right next to his dragon penis!" - Head Homo (re: Santa, the real owner of Dragonball)
"Chris, have you ever been to Planned Parenthood? It's a great place to pick up chicks." - Mike Hale
"I couldn't care less what my team does as long as Straight and Hard loses." - Hale
Amazing strike by Chris Harris, aka the LH Assassin: he falls halfway down the lane and still makes it!
"It should be a foul. Didn't know we were playing by prison rules." - Hale
"I think we need to start running pelcos." - Kevin Finn
"We need live loggers." -Brofman
"Elizabeth the shit outta that!!" - Head Homo (hit your stride!!)
"Alex looks like he's 20 years older than the rest of us!!!" - JerSean
"Put that pen down!!" - Alex Katz to me
"The reindeers are waiting, Santa." - Double Ee
"F U U U C C C K K K K" - JerSean hits the ball return really, really hard. "Fuck."
"Statistically, I don't do well with the lights off." - Hale
"Sloop!! Sloop a Loop!!" - Alex the PA to Sloop John B
"JerSean lost his virginity to the Verve!!" - Red Dawn, Hols to the Wall, Head Homo
"NO!! NO!! NO!! NO!! The Verve, who's the fucking Verve!!" - JerSean
"Isn't that song only 3 minutes long?" - Head Homo
"It only took 30 seconds, bro. Who we trying to kid here?" -JerSean
"That's a bittersweet symphony right there!" - Head Homo
"As long as he doesn't throw up on me right now, we'll revisit this later." - Alex Katz, re: new feud with JerSean
"Do you want to get thrown up on!!?? Dede, can we get some warm beer out here??" - JerSean
JerSean's answer to why he was yelling in Alex Katz's face:
"That (bleeping bleeper) got close in the third game. I can't even talk about this without getting warmed up. It's so fucking hot in here!! To make a long story short, we're gonna have a grudge match until the end of the season. I mean, he's top 20, I'm top 40, and he still comes close??? That f-ing (bleep) son of a bitch motherf-er. Mother fucker!! (Bleeeeep)"
Christine: "I could watch this all day."(JerSean throws his coat down in anger.) "I mean, he told his jacket where to go."
"I'm not getting in there unless you have Bittersweet Symphony!!" - JerSean, as Double E attempts to drive him home
HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT AND HARD GOING DOWN FASTER THAN A CHARLIE SHEEN HOOKER
I'll get to the headline news shortly. First off, to address JerSean LePaulsen. In the first half of the night, I was eagerly straining my ears for some quoteworthiness from JerSean, but I was getting nothing. All I heard was some variation of, "What?? Are you kidding me?? Fuck that pin!! Are you kidding me?? WHAT??? Fuck that pin!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? FUCK!!" I started getting a sense of deja vu - where had I heard this before?
Cara Castranuova.
That's right. Xtine and I made a revelation that JerSean, much like our harpy-voiced new trainer, has taken to relying on yelling a few key phrases to make it through the night (slash workout). "Suck it up! Harder! Harder! Suck it up!! Like you mean it!! You're a fighter!! Fight it out to the end!! Harder! Harder!" and so on, and so forth. However, after extensive Jennie notes to go into JerSean's backstory, story team Head Homo, Red Dawn, and Hols to the Wall made an amazing discovery - JerSean lost his virginity to the song "Bittersweet Symphony." We are currently building a :30 package with flashbacks and pictures that now must be used and referenced in every episode--ahem, bowling night--from this point forward. Ashley is working on clearing the song, but seeing as the Rolling Stones might object, Ah2 is doing a quick ripoff that will sound very similar to Little Hero.
As for the other JerSean story to follow - he is now $200 in the hole to Alex Katz. Carrying over a feud that started in fantasy basketball, JerSean and Katz will be putting 100 beans on the line every Monday night from this point forward. This might be better than the Derek/Lappy bet - more money, plus JerSean gets really, really into feuds. By the way, if you were curious about the bleeps above, for some reason, I feel kinda uncomfortable calling my boss a "c----s----." Also, I couldn't write fast enough to catch all of the expletives.
Onto the headline! Straight...and Hard has started taking the drug called Charlie Sheen, and it is not working out as well as their other drug use. In spite of the tiger blood running through their veins, their rein of terror on the league has officially been cancelled. The 5 and a half men have been tied for first, and according to recent NASDAQ reports, their stock is definitely trending down, down, down. Sell now. Sell fast. Sell hard. As for their progress in their Female-Awareness-and-Sensitivity Campaign (FAASC), they are trending upwards. They've moved from the phallic phase (all male, all the time), past the V phase (where they simply referred to their female player as "Vagina"), straight to the mother phase (Christine is now their "Momma Bear.") They sure are moving through Freud's stages of development quickly.
As for more high-brow references, the play was the thing last night. Or rather, the lights were the thing, where we caught the conscience of the person who called the bowling alley last week and asked to keep the lights on. (Sorry, I am not Shakespeare). Much like Hamlet, I purposely asked our friend Rick to turn the lights out last night, keeping close tabs on our two main suspects, Hale and Head Homo, to see how they would react. Me and Double E (aka Horatio) noticed that Head Homo's reaction was disproportionately loud and angry when the lights went out. Granted, so was Hale's, so really, we are no closer to the truth than before. But seeing as Head Homo threw an envelope at my head twice last night, I've decided he is the culprit, and shall be punished at some point in the future. I would punish Hale too, but his scores are punishment enough. (zing!)
One last thing! JerSean's Designated Drivers, long the Bad News Bears of this league, are finally trending upwards! After a tough win last night against XXX Productions (Dan Reid, where are you??), coupled with their tie and win the previous week against heavyweight 3 Hole Surprise, it's official - this team is no longer in dead last place! Finally, Red Dawn's sunshine morning has broken.
With one team moving up, another team has moved down - and its players appear to have given up. Hale, perhaps making a point about his beloved lights being turned out, purposely threw gutterballs and/or chucked the ball down the lane without caring for the rest of the night. Double E turned bitter and angry, alternately yelling at people for delaying the game, and then fraternizing with other teams rather than her own. Only Santa remained cheerful and jolly, but then again, he is Santa. I'm starting to think that Double E is not Daniel-san, but perhaps Luke Skywalker, turning to the dark side with Hale and his pessimism (I don't know if that actually happens in Star Wars, but it sounded good to me. Plus, you'll be outed as a nerd if you disagree.)
Ok! Two more games left in the regular season. Next week, All Hale Thee Finns play JerSean's Designated Drivers, Tonight We Strike! plays 3 Hole Surprise (yikes!), and XXX Productions plays Straight...and Hard (come on, porn!). I will not be here next week because I'm heading to Australia on vacay. I don't know if I'll have email access, so I....um...thinktherewon'tbearecapnextweekomgi'msorry. I will be back on the 14th. Be strong, league. Be strong.
G'day, mates.
-The Commish
EP 207
Quotes of the night:
"Is this a quoting league, or a bowling league??" - Lappy, angry when I get distracted
"I'm bowling worse than Christine right now!" - Jesse, followed by, "NO!! STOP WRITING!!!"
"You're all stretching??" -Double E to her team, during the warmup
"God can't always be on our side." - Brandon to Jesse
Brandon rolls a 9. "Dammit, I'll see you in the car."
"Where's my sister, let's fucking make out!!" - JerSean
"I think I know why he got kicked out of the club on Saturday," says me
"I hate that the lights won't go off tonight. Now I can't hide my drunkenness," Jesse, very sad
"Don't write that shit down!!" - Jesse
"Who do I need to felashe around here to get a strike??" - Lappy
"Damn girl, pull out the rag!!" - Sexy Anne Frank to a moody Double E
"Are you serious?? Are we ghetto middle schoolers??" -Double E
HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT...AND HARD GOES LIMP
As you can see by the first quote, I was definitely not on my quote game last night - I was sadly lacking in JerSean coverage. I can only imagine what I missed, what with a tie game, followed by a possible dance-off, followed by JerSean daring John B to throw his ball at him, followed by JerSean bonding with/harassing the high schoolers in the lane beside him. By the way, at the end of the night, I saw some stranded sneakers, and I asked the kids if they were theirs- the girl goes, "Those are JerSean's." Does Sean Paulsen even exist anymore, or has JerSean taken over full time? And whose bright idea was it to let Chaka Khan and Eddie Winslow bowl beside JerSean LePaulsen? With no fence in between? Rumor has it that Chaka has issued a restraining order against "that screaming man with the hair sticking up", but this could not be confirmed at press time.
As for being on my bowling game last night, well....my team certainly was. In spite of various evil tactics used by Sensei Roberts and "Johnny" Drollette, all that Straight...and Hard managed to do was give themselves some severe performance anxiety. "Um....just wait til the second game, baby, I swear, this never happens to me. (pause) Ok, so not the second game...but just give me like five minutes, hang on, the third game, I swear. Why are you putting your clothes on?? Oh yeah, yeah, I got this....baby? Baby??" Ok, disgusting mental pictures aside, the gist is that we beat the sticky stuff out of those bastards the first two games, but then we lost our grip in the third. Meanwhile, after vigorous work in parked cars and severe forearm strain, Straight...and Hard finally managed to get it up in the third and prevent us from taking the number one spot. I don't know about you, but I feel dirty after playing them. We won't see them until we cream them in the playoffs, I guess. (Cream, get it?? Sigh....)
Oh, and by the way? How did I miss Miss Congeniality herself bowling a 184??? That is the best female score to date!! Maegamyte, it's time to come back from New Zealand and claim your throne, cause Red Dawn is blazing a path down the bowling lane, fued only by pure sunshine.
As for the biggest controversy of the night - somebody took Kanye's words to heart and turned up the lights last night. That's right, there was no disco bowling last night. After brutal waterboarding of Chris, the guy behind the counter, and Scott, the creepy guy who is a manager, I got no closer to the culprit. Scott took me aside and accused Hale (aka, "the guy in the green hat"), but then his case was weakened when he also pointed out Lappy in the line-up. He claimed they "came up to the counter together last week and asked for the lights to be turned off." First of all, they would never do anything together, being as they are bitter rivals, second, Lappy is the only advocate of keeping the lights off. Signs point to Head Homo, who wasn't there for his own trial, due to some lame ass excuse, I'm sure, and combined with the fact that he has recently been fired as bowling league treasurer and made off with last season's treasury, I'm willing to prosecute. Guilty until proven innocent, Head Homo - did you or did you not call someone and ask them to keep the lights on last night??? Unless it was Chaka Khan??
Oh yeah, and that other game (sorry guys :). Big Boss Man and Broman, barely holding together their flailing porn company, nevertheless easily beat All Hale Thee Finns 2 games to 1. They two-timed Hale until he could barely bowl straight - so I guess this disproves Hale's theory that "he'd bowl much better with the lights on!" What is with these guys and the pressure??
While I do have fun both with the lights on and the lights off (interpret as you will), I think we should go back to regular disco bowling - I don't think the lights on made any difference either way, and I think we could all use some kinder lighting by that time of night. Especially Jesse.
Ok, see you all next week - hey, Hollie, Hundgen, and those who FORGOT that bowling was last night (!!!!) - there's this thing we do, on Monday nights. It's called Biggest Loser bowling, maybe you've heard of it? Do you need the address? Sarcasm aside, we only have three more regular season games (except for XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise - don't forget, your makeup game needs to be schedule next week).
Next week, Tonight We Strike! plays All Hale Thee Finns, 3 Hole Surprise plays Straight...and Small...I mean, Hard, and XXX Productions plays JerSean's Designated Drivers (Alex Katz, I apologize in advance). Also - XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise -- you need to pick a day that week that works for both teams to make up your other game. Side emails will resume.
-The Commish
"Is this a quoting league, or a bowling league??" - Lappy, angry when I get distracted
"I'm bowling worse than Christine right now!" - Jesse, followed by, "NO!! STOP WRITING!!!"
"You're all stretching??" -Double E to her team, during the warmup
"God can't always be on our side." - Brandon to Jesse
Brandon rolls a 9. "Dammit, I'll see you in the car."
"Where's my sister, let's fucking make out!!" - JerSean
"I think I know why he got kicked out of the club on Saturday," says me
"I hate that the lights won't go off tonight. Now I can't hide my drunkenness," Jesse, very sad
"Don't write that shit down!!" - Jesse
"Who do I need to felashe around here to get a strike??" - Lappy
"Damn girl, pull out the rag!!" - Sexy Anne Frank to a moody Double E
"Are you serious?? Are we ghetto middle schoolers??" -Double E
HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT...AND HARD GOES LIMP
As you can see by the first quote, I was definitely not on my quote game last night - I was sadly lacking in JerSean coverage. I can only imagine what I missed, what with a tie game, followed by a possible dance-off, followed by JerSean daring John B to throw his ball at him, followed by JerSean bonding with/harassing the high schoolers in the lane beside him. By the way, at the end of the night, I saw some stranded sneakers, and I asked the kids if they were theirs- the girl goes, "Those are JerSean's." Does Sean Paulsen even exist anymore, or has JerSean taken over full time? And whose bright idea was it to let Chaka Khan and Eddie Winslow bowl beside JerSean LePaulsen? With no fence in between? Rumor has it that Chaka has issued a restraining order against "that screaming man with the hair sticking up", but this could not be confirmed at press time.
As for being on my bowling game last night, well....my team certainly was. In spite of various evil tactics used by Sensei Roberts and "Johnny" Drollette, all that Straight...and Hard managed to do was give themselves some severe performance anxiety. "Um....just wait til the second game, baby, I swear, this never happens to me. (pause) Ok, so not the second game...but just give me like five minutes, hang on, the third game, I swear. Why are you putting your clothes on?? Oh yeah, yeah, I got this....baby? Baby??" Ok, disgusting mental pictures aside, the gist is that we beat the sticky stuff out of those bastards the first two games, but then we lost our grip in the third. Meanwhile, after vigorous work in parked cars and severe forearm strain, Straight...and Hard finally managed to get it up in the third and prevent us from taking the number one spot. I don't know about you, but I feel dirty after playing them. We won't see them until we cream them in the playoffs, I guess. (Cream, get it?? Sigh....)
Oh, and by the way? How did I miss Miss Congeniality herself bowling a 184??? That is the best female score to date!! Maegamyte, it's time to come back from New Zealand and claim your throne, cause Red Dawn is blazing a path down the bowling lane, fued only by pure sunshine.
As for the biggest controversy of the night - somebody took Kanye's words to heart and turned up the lights last night. That's right, there was no disco bowling last night. After brutal waterboarding of Chris, the guy behind the counter, and Scott, the creepy guy who is a manager, I got no closer to the culprit. Scott took me aside and accused Hale (aka, "the guy in the green hat"), but then his case was weakened when he also pointed out Lappy in the line-up. He claimed they "came up to the counter together last week and asked for the lights to be turned off." First of all, they would never do anything together, being as they are bitter rivals, second, Lappy is the only advocate of keeping the lights off. Signs point to Head Homo, who wasn't there for his own trial, due to some lame ass excuse, I'm sure, and combined with the fact that he has recently been fired as bowling league treasurer and made off with last season's treasury, I'm willing to prosecute. Guilty until proven innocent, Head Homo - did you or did you not call someone and ask them to keep the lights on last night??? Unless it was Chaka Khan??
Oh yeah, and that other game (sorry guys :). Big Boss Man and Broman, barely holding together their flailing porn company, nevertheless easily beat All Hale Thee Finns 2 games to 1. They two-timed Hale until he could barely bowl straight - so I guess this disproves Hale's theory that "he'd bowl much better with the lights on!" What is with these guys and the pressure??
While I do have fun both with the lights on and the lights off (interpret as you will), I think we should go back to regular disco bowling - I don't think the lights on made any difference either way, and I think we could all use some kinder lighting by that time of night. Especially Jesse.
Ok, see you all next week - hey, Hollie, Hundgen, and those who FORGOT that bowling was last night (!!!!) - there's this thing we do, on Monday nights. It's called Biggest Loser bowling, maybe you've heard of it? Do you need the address? Sarcasm aside, we only have three more regular season games (except for XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise - don't forget, your makeup game needs to be schedule next week).
Next week, Tonight We Strike! plays All Hale Thee Finns, 3 Hole Surprise plays Straight...and Small...I mean, Hard, and XXX Productions plays JerSean's Designated Drivers (Alex Katz, I apologize in advance). Also - XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise -- you need to pick a day that week that works for both teams to make up your other game. Side emails will resume.
-The Commish
EP 206 (photos to come)
Quotes of the night:
"They brought me Godiva. It's like they're trying to get in my pants." - Christine
--"Not that they could, " she adds
"Sweep the leg!" - Straight & Hard. Over and over. And over.
"I just realized I paid Jesse $30 for this t-shirt!! That's a manicure AND a pedicure!" - Christine
"You're the best - around! Nothing's gonna ever keep ya down!" - the loudspeakers at El Dorado
"This team takes this way too fucking far! Uncle Rico never went this far with Napoleon! Sweep this, motherfuckers!" --(paraphrasing) Mike Hale as he rips off his shirt to reveal another underneath that illustrates his point
"We will sweep them." -Korpacz
"No one tries to out-t-shirt us. No one." - Christine
"Those were the good old days, back when bowling was fun and not an annoying sport with Brandon." - Head Homo, reminiscing about high school
"You think they just give that title to anyone??!!" - Head Homo, re: his Head Homo title
"We've been really f-ing boring. Except for me and Christine talking about our holes all the time." - Double E
"V does not stand for vagina!! It stands for valentine!!" - Christine, clearly delusional about her team's "cute" nickname for her
"Why they gotta play the best shit when I'm not bowling??" Korpacz, re: Prince's "Kiss"
"Where did our creep go?" - Me (see attached pic)
"I don't know, but he left all his creepy stuff here!" - Christine (re: Jackie Earle Haley, our superfan)
"Cobra Kai is our alias, like Makaveli for Tupac." - Brandon
So...apparently, we are still in the middle of the Karate Kid, where the evil Cobra Kai is still winning all their battles by showing that defeat does not exist, because the bad guys won last night, and remain in their damn first place spot. Straight...and Hard struck first, struck hard, no mercy by sweeping (the leg) all three games against Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi, aka Double E, Mike Hale and the rest of the Finns. Sorry - there were many auditioning for the role of Daniel-san, but Double E proved she wanted it most when she secretly stole the Cobra Kai t-shirts that Jesse had foolishly had delivered to the office. Who checks the fedex, Jesse? Who?? Apparently, underdog victories only exist in PG movies and Biggest Loser episodes. They had the formula down - they were losing the first game, and then the song came on, and Mike Hale made a dramatic speech (if nonsensical) and ripped off his shirt, and the tide should've turned, but actually, I think All Hale Thee Finns bowled their worst game of the night after that gesture. So....maybe we need to rethink what story we're telling this season of BL Bowling, cause it's certainly not something sweet, like Rudy. Perhaps it's that nice guys finish last, and Tonight We Strike! will beat Straight...and Hard next week? (although we're not really that nice if we're including myself and Lappy....)
Also of note - don't think for one second that I was fooled by your pathetic, over-the-top gesture last night, Straight...and Hard. Much like if Mel Gibson were to throw a bar mitzvah, Straight...and Hard thought they could make up for an entire season of misogyny by showering their female player, Christine, with Godiva chocolate and a valentine's cake on Valentine's Day. How sweet. Let me put it this way, guys, if Michael Vick were to open a rescue shelter for pitbulls, would you trust his motives? Yeah. Didn't think so. Sometimes overcompensating is worse. That's what she said. Re: penises.
As for the other game, Tonight We Strike! also triumphed in a 3 game sweep, but we kinda felt bad about it. The Designated Drivers have officially become the new Bowled and the Beautiful - without the poisonous Roberts attached, it doesn't feel right to beat them, especially since they were all high-fiving us the entire game, and Dawn will easily win Miss Congeneality for the season. She is so positive! I mean, I'll take it, cause we're now in 2nd place, but I do feel conflicted. If it weren't for Christopher, Head Homo, I would feel worse, but he continues to be the catty bastard we all love (in spite of his seriously lackluster bowling this season. Is he juicing at all????) We fully deserved our victory, seeing as Lappy bowled a motherfucking 243. Did you catch that?? 243!! Once again, Lappy has hit his mid-season stride and become unstoppable. He now resides a good 10 pins above the rest, firmly in his number one spot.
Ok! So next week, those teams who lost their balls this week will regain them, and join us as 3 Hole Surprise plays the Designated Drivers, XXX Productions plays All Hale Thee Finns, and the Bad Guys play the Best Guys, aka Straight and Hard vs. Tonight We Strike! God I hope we beat those bastards. Also, we may have some special guest alternates - Mike Bary, Andy, and possibly Frank will be joining us next week to help out XXX Productions and any other teams that are missing players.
As a final note, there are pictures and stats attached. Be sure to check out our resident stalker, captured in the background of Christopher's close-up. We all know why that guy was at the bowling alley. Creepy creep creep.
-The Commish
"They brought me Godiva. It's like they're trying to get in my pants." - Christine
--"Not that they could, " she adds
"Sweep the leg!" - Straight & Hard. Over and over. And over.
"I just realized I paid Jesse $30 for this t-shirt!! That's a manicure AND a pedicure!" - Christine
"You're the best - around! Nothing's gonna ever keep ya down!" - the loudspeakers at El Dorado
"This team takes this way too fucking far! Uncle Rico never went this far with Napoleon! Sweep this, motherfuckers!" --(paraphrasing) Mike Hale as he rips off his shirt to reveal another underneath that illustrates his point
"We will sweep them." -Korpacz
"No one tries to out-t-shirt us. No one." - Christine
"Those were the good old days, back when bowling was fun and not an annoying sport with Brandon." - Head Homo, reminiscing about high school
"You think they just give that title to anyone??!!" - Head Homo, re: his Head Homo title
"We've been really f-ing boring. Except for me and Christine talking about our holes all the time." - Double E
"V does not stand for vagina!! It stands for valentine!!" - Christine, clearly delusional about her team's "cute" nickname for her
"Why they gotta play the best shit when I'm not bowling??" Korpacz, re: Prince's "Kiss"
"Where did our creep go?" - Me (see attached pic)
"I don't know, but he left all his creepy stuff here!" - Christine (re: Jackie Earle Haley, our superfan)
"Cobra Kai is our alias, like Makaveli for Tupac." - Brandon
So...apparently, we are still in the middle of the Karate Kid, where the evil Cobra Kai is still winning all their battles by showing that defeat does not exist, because the bad guys won last night, and remain in their damn first place spot. Straight...and Hard struck first, struck hard, no mercy by sweeping (the leg) all three games against Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi, aka Double E, Mike Hale and the rest of the Finns. Sorry - there were many auditioning for the role of Daniel-san, but Double E proved she wanted it most when she secretly stole the Cobra Kai t-shirts that Jesse had foolishly had delivered to the office. Who checks the fedex, Jesse? Who?? Apparently, underdog victories only exist in PG movies and Biggest Loser episodes. They had the formula down - they were losing the first game, and then the song came on, and Mike Hale made a dramatic speech (if nonsensical) and ripped off his shirt, and the tide should've turned, but actually, I think All Hale Thee Finns bowled their worst game of the night after that gesture. So....maybe we need to rethink what story we're telling this season of BL Bowling, cause it's certainly not something sweet, like Rudy. Perhaps it's that nice guys finish last, and Tonight We Strike! will beat Straight...and Hard next week? (although we're not really that nice if we're including myself and Lappy....)
Also of note - don't think for one second that I was fooled by your pathetic, over-the-top gesture last night, Straight...and Hard. Much like if Mel Gibson were to throw a bar mitzvah, Straight...and Hard thought they could make up for an entire season of misogyny by showering their female player, Christine, with Godiva chocolate and a valentine's cake on Valentine's Day. How sweet. Let me put it this way, guys, if Michael Vick were to open a rescue shelter for pitbulls, would you trust his motives? Yeah. Didn't think so. Sometimes overcompensating is worse. That's what she said. Re: penises.
As for the other game, Tonight We Strike! also triumphed in a 3 game sweep, but we kinda felt bad about it. The Designated Drivers have officially become the new Bowled and the Beautiful - without the poisonous Roberts attached, it doesn't feel right to beat them, especially since they were all high-fiving us the entire game, and Dawn will easily win Miss Congeneality for the season. She is so positive! I mean, I'll take it, cause we're now in 2nd place, but I do feel conflicted. If it weren't for Christopher, Head Homo, I would feel worse, but he continues to be the catty bastard we all love (in spite of his seriously lackluster bowling this season. Is he juicing at all????) We fully deserved our victory, seeing as Lappy bowled a motherfucking 243. Did you catch that?? 243!! Once again, Lappy has hit his mid-season stride and become unstoppable. He now resides a good 10 pins above the rest, firmly in his number one spot.
Ok! So next week, those teams who lost their balls this week will regain them, and join us as 3 Hole Surprise plays the Designated Drivers, XXX Productions plays All Hale Thee Finns, and the Bad Guys play the Best Guys, aka Straight and Hard vs. Tonight We Strike! God I hope we beat those bastards. Also, we may have some special guest alternates - Mike Bary, Andy, and possibly Frank will be joining us next week to help out XXX Productions and any other teams that are missing players.
As a final note, there are pictures and stats attached. Be sure to check out our resident stalker, captured in the background of Christopher's close-up. We all know why that guy was at the bowling alley. Creepy creep creep.
-The Commish
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