EP 210

Quotes of the night:

"You knocked down those pins like Sandwiches was behind them!" - Double E to Head Homo

"I'm not a quote mongerer, but I just want you to know I thought of that really early on, and then I waited patiently until the right moment appeared." - Double E, regarding the quote above

"You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" - Camila to JerSean, re: copyright infringement of her catchphrase, "Fuck that Pin!"
"Camila, where have you been? The French say hello in whatever fruity language they say it in!!" - JerSean

JerSean yelling at Korpacz incoherently.
Korpacz yelling over him: "Bhuh bhuh bhuh bhuh bluh bluh bluh!"

"You're not a charming douche! You're just a douche!" - Double E to Brandon

Don't have the direct quote, but Brofman talking about, "finding Lappy in the street 10 years ago, doped up on methadone, dick in his mouth." See Brofman's full story of "Lappy: Behind the Pins", airing on A&E this fall.

"Yay! I'm cheering for you!!" - Dawn to Brandon (who is not on her team)

"How could the worst team in the league beat the best team in the league??" - Head Homo

"They're licking their wounds and getting stoned." - JerSean, re: Straight...and Hard

"Who put all the stoners on one team??" - Head Homo
"Brandon made the teams...." - Me

"We want to instill a drug testing policy. I'm starting with this motherfucker." - Head Homo re: Brandon

"Has anybody noticed the air is a little bit lighter this week? A little less...poopy? Less...poopy pants?" - JerSean
"Smells like Teen Spirit!" - Korpacz

"My grandma bowls quicker than you, and she's dead!" - Korpacz to JerSean
"Your grandma ruhr ruuhrr rhhurr!!" - JerSean
"Are those words?" -Me
"Starts with a letter, ends with yelling." - Maegamyte

"Oh Brandon, that sucked." - Dawn, "trash-talking" Brandon

"Why are you yelling about gay people?" - Me to JerSean
"Because you can't yell about black people, that's racist!!" - JerSean

"There was a room full of turduckens, and you wonder why you couldn't find Sandwiches??" - JerSean to Head Homo

"Oprah, Sandwiches, Gayle, turducken, you fill in the rest." - JerSean
"Wait a minute, Oprah went down on my dog???" - Head Homo, trying to get clarification

"You don't know about this weekend! There were skanky girls! Sandwiches! Turduckens!" - JerSean
"There were no turduckens!" - Holly
"There were turduckens everywhere!" - JerSean

JerSean explaining to Dede what a turducken is:
"It's the perfect Thanksgiving dinner! A little chicken for you, a little turkey for me, a little duck for Grandma Betsy over there!"
(Dede shakes her head and walks away)

"Christopher, you want me to close you out?" - Hewitt, the waitress
"Wait, is that a way of telling me I've had too much?" - Head Homo
"No, I compare everyone to Sean before I do that." - Hewitt (zing!)

"Was there a ransom note on the door? Was there any indication that Sandwiches was inside or kidnapped??" - JerSean to Head Homo
"I got an email from Al Qaeda!" - Head Homo

"You gotta wonder if the business we bring in counters the business we scare away." -Brofman

Probably the most profound quote of the season is the above, from Brofman. After 10 long weeks, we are certainly wearing out our welcome at El Dorado. Perhaps it was the lack of buffer around us - we were virtually alone in the alley last night, which made our screams all the louder, and JerSean's dismantling of the bowling lanes more obvious than usual. Perhaps it was that the two loudest, drunkest, most drugged up, most obnoxious/most entertaining teams in the league were playing each other last night, Straight...and Hard vs. JerSean's Designated Drivers. Perhaps it was the fact that someone (hopefully not one of us) had an "accident" all over the back of the ladies toilet, and I made one of the workers clean it up before I would use the facility. (I'll give you a hint - it was as though someone had poopy pants, minus the pants. And then missed the toilet.) At any rate, based on the announcements made at the end the night, as well as the talking-to I got from Rick, wondering if he was going to have to throw people out and/or break up a fight, I think we may have squandered two seasons of goodwill in one night. Hopefully, they still made lots of money, and will forgive us. Thank goodness the long, long season is over and playoffs are beginning next week -- but then again, with the competitive juices flowing, things could only get much, much worse. We might need to take a long holiday in between this season and next to let them miss us (and to avoid the inevitable damages).

But - before we get to playoffs, some highlights of last night:

Number one moment of the night, possibly the season - during game one, Miss Congeniality, Red Dawn - the last frame of the game, Brandon "Massengill" Roberts, tried to psyche Dawn out by getting the entire league to watch her bowl - no pressure! You just have to roll a strike to win!! This, in spite of the fact that she was cheering him on throughout the game - but as seen above, he is a douche, and not a charming one. And what did she do? She bowled a strike! (and then promptly gave him two middle fingers - with a big smile). But she wasn't done yet - she then went on to bowl a second strike, putting the nail in the coffin, sealing the deal for the Designated Drivers, and finally winning one for the good guys. Unfortunately, her team then got ridiculously drunk and delirious off the win (also, they got literally drunk), and proceeded to lose the next two games. But still - the crowd went wild, even Dede came out to watch, and Dawn sealed the Miss Congeniality prize and possibly MVP award for her team. She is a ray of light on an increasingly belligerent (JerSean) and catty (Head Homo) team. Yaaaay Dawn!!

Also, the same game wins the Guinness World Record for the longest bowling game in the history of all time. In between all of the incoherent yelling (it was like a South Park episode - I could barely get quotes between the "Ruhhrruuhrr!!! RUHRRRHRR!!" from Korpacz and JerSean, and high-pitched enthusiasm from Red Dawn), and the extended smoke breaks, and the reminiscing of events of this weekend, there was a lot less bowling than socializing. And yelling. Not to mention the turducken incident, of which no one is sure how it got started. Or how it got connected to Holly's house and the Sandwiches incident. Or how Oprah got involved.

Not to mention the amount of bowling balls being thrown about. Between JerSean angrily kicking his ball around on the floor, to Korpacz and JerSean throwing their balls at each other, to Camilla finally lifting up two balls to her crotch area and humping Christopher with them, you might say we've gotten a little too comfortable with the bowling alley. Also, we've most likely (by "we" I mean "JerSean") broken the ball return. Or several of them.

Thank god the playoffs are here. Next week is perhaps the most important game of the season - at least for the bottom four teams. 3 Hole Surprise has snuck up on the number one spot - just like last season, De-Recking Ball Kind has held back until the clutch moment - and his team earned a BYE, as well as my team, Tonight We Strike!, who sealed the number two spot last night with a 3 game sweep! against XXX Productions. Alex Katz, that's right, Lappy beat you - if you had been there, you might have won. Just sayin'.

So next week, 3 Hole Surprise and Tonight We Strike! will be relaxing, playing a "fun" game (aka for money $$), while the other four teams must fight in the wildcard game for their spot in the playoffs. JerSean's Designated Drivers face off against Straight...and Hard for the second week in a row - that first game proved they are capable of beating them, if only they can focus on playing rather than drinking and fighting (or at least channel their anger towards the other team rather than against inanimate objects). No pressure, guys, but that would mean the Karate Kid DID come true, but in this case, the karate kid is a drunken belligerent JerSean LePaulsen. Maybe it's Major League instead? To bring the Charlie Sheen comparison full circle? JerSean is winning!

Also, XXX Productions will play All Hale Thee Finns, which is a hard match-up to call - especially given their spotty attendance records. With Hale possibly gone forever in MasterChef land, this is XXX Productions' chance to take back their early season advantage -- but then again, Big Boss Man and Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid could also be m.i.a. But Chumsys has been boning up on her ball skills in the Motherland...there are a lot of balls up in the air here. Big ones.

One last announcement - with the regular season at a close, I would like to point out the Most Reliable Players Awards, aka Perfect Attendance. Those nerds...ahem, dedicated players, are:
Double E
Jerrycurl
Greg Ice Berg
The LH Assassin (aka Christopher Harris)
Brofman (including Valentine's Day, when his team wasn't even playing - he came just for fun!)
Jesse
Samsonite, aka Alex Katz's nemesis (Kyle Swanson)
Wes

You will get your perfect attendance! awards! with smiley stickers and gold stars! possibly at the end of the season partay. Details to be announced soon about date/time/place.

See you in the playoffs!!

-The Commish