EP 403

"What's that in the air? The fine mist of semen." - JerSean

"What do I have to get tonight to stay KingPin, 150? I shit 150." - Lappy

"I forgot about the benefits of Korpacz on my team - Bottles! before the first game even starts!!" - Me

"Never supported bottles, they never had any business being at El Dorado bowling alley - deal with it. (claps two bowling balls together)" - JerSean

"Do you like Baby Tigers?" - Me to Lappy

"Anything's better than Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain, that's the worst name I've ever heard." - Lappy

"Roar!" - Double E

"People are hating our team name because it's too long." - Brandon

"So is my Diiiiiiiiick." - XXXtine

"Ohhhh, Tigers, all over your face!!" - XXXtine, making spraying gestures from both breast & vajayjay

"Don't spare me the bukkake or the titty milk!" - JerSean

"Bukkake? I know what it is, I just didn't know there was a term for that." - Hollie

"You're writing your own quotes?" - Brofman

"She made me, but I'm really bad at it." - Double E

"It's true. She's really bad at it." - The Commish

"Meanwhile, my Baby Tiger's getting bukkake'd on." - Double E

"Somebody on the Tigers needs to get fixed - right now." - Lappy

"How do you spell bukkake!!??" -Double E

"I'm giving the Commish alternate bites!" - Double E

"The Commish has already pooped on all of these. They're not even in the record books - they're not even pictures in the record books!" - Brandon/JerSean (they were yelling over each other)

"No, Moonie - go to her good quote ear!" - JerSean (re: me)

"Bukkake + Tigers = Mess." - Lappy

"What animal would not smoke pot if given the chance!?" - JerSean

"You missed by a shot of cum, buddy." - Brandon

"Maybe if I hadn't bukkaked all over their face the 1st game, I'd have the energy". - JerSean

"I'M SOBER!!" - Double E

"Who's idea was it to put the slowest human beings with the drunkest human beings and call it a team??" - Lappy (first quote of the season!!)

"Korpack(sp) is faking injuries!! Blasphemy! Signed, the end of the fucking league." - Handwritten by Brandon into my quote book

"Imagine a Brandon & Head Homo sweat-off." - Me

"Can you imagine those two having sex?" - Camilla

"They'd just slide right off each other." - Hollie

"Bukkake all over your little kitty faces!!" - XXXtine

Camilla presses a button on the bowling machine and speaks into it. "Help?"

Well, clearly Bukkake will need to be on the awards ballot as one of the most overused words of the season. I kinda just want to call their team Bukkake from now on, because the name is too damn long to remember (and their team has nothing to do with Linnsanity, in my opinion. Is XXXtine actually Asian? Her boobs are way too big.) Now that everyone is clear on its definition and spelling, we shall move on. We also have our first quote of the season, by Lappy!! So true, so true. Brandon, nice try with the quote you wrote in my book, but you'll have to do better than that.

Speaking of team names changing....yeah, nice try, No Ma'am. Appreciate the Married with Children reference, very clever, but I'm going to keep calling you Silent Sausage Party. It happened to the Dicks, too - if you don't give me a team name til week 3, it's just not happening. That's like changing a baby's name a year in.

So in spite of the quotes above, the Double E quotes were not entirely a failed experiment. A few of them made it in, and some of them were in the right zone, but weren't quite full quotes. Quantity is better than quality (because I edit that shit), and she more than made up for her attempt to simply record the quotes into her phone by actually listening to the recording the next day and emailing me more quotes. Granted, I'm too lazy to find that email and go through those quotes, but I appreciate the effort. Kinda like when you take the time to give your editor a string of every possible food shot in the cooking challenge, and the day before he's done editing, you find out he never even looked at it. I mean, that's just one example. ARGGh.

In a classic case of a reality villain demonstrating hubris, Lappy's famous last words of the night were that he "shits 150s." He must have been a little constipated Monday night - I'd love for Broffie to send the stats for us to see where our KingPin stands in the individual standings. Lappy, I'd try some fiber before next week.

Speaking of standings (actually, this also goes with my pooping analogy!), I dropped a bomb Monday night (get it?!) when I let you bastards know that one team is not gonna make the playoffs. Enough of this Little League, everyone gets a trophy bullshit!! The team with the worst standings doesn't make it in. Even if it's mine. Although, knowing me and my abuse of absolute power, I will probably figure out a way to change the rules if my team is dead last. Entirely possible, judging by our bad luck charm of Head Homo and our delicate flower, Korpacz, whose injury seems to spring up either when he bowls a bad game, or when his girlfriend needs him to paint her toenails.

I don't know who won!! My team won 1, lost 2 to In N Out - based on all of the bukkake on their face, I'd say the Tigers lost 1 or 2 along the way. I couldn't hear anything beyond JerSean, so who knows what happened with THE SILENT SAUSAGE PARTY or Pinnetrators.

4 nights left of this season - only 3 games for some of us! I'm scared!!!

Bukkake,

-The Commish

EP 402

"Who the fuck does that? If a girl is laying on you, you have sex with her." - Sexy Anne Frank

"Oh, she's squirting early." - Brofman, re: XXXtine's victory splash on her team after she bowled a strike in game one

"Jerry is the silent but deadly sausage." - Big Willie Style

"OH MY GOD!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!" - JerSean

"This is game 1." - Jesse

"A Jew speaking math is like a bird squawking. I don't understand a word of it. I'm anti-Semathic." - Head Homo to Brofman, who was trying to explain how to figure out who had won game one

"They all deserve the Head Homo award - they have different high fives for different scores that they get. That's the gayest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen some gay shit." - Head Homo (re: the Pinnetrators)

"You know that some people believe that blue balls don't exist?" - Tucker

"When I'm with a guy, I never see blue balls, cause I finish what I start." - Sexy Anne Frank

"If you want a good gay joke, go hit up Orne." - Brofman

"If you want a good gay joke, that IS Orne." - Sexy Anne Frank

"This is a split (makes a "V" over her vagina). This is a strike (makes an "X" over her vagina)." - Mugge

"I'm a grower, not a shower." - Head Homo

"I taught Moonie about pearl necklaces, bukkake, donkey punching, the basics of life. You think she'd know about them, being Asian." - XXXtine

"What does it feel like to go home and not have anyone to tell about how great a job you did bowling tonight? Cause I get to go home to my wife." - Brofman

"I go home and whack off." - Sexy Anne Frank

"_______________" - Head Homo

"Ok, that's crossing the line." - Brofman (this quote was censored by the Commish. And humanity)

"I'm not just a rack!!" - XXXtine

Moonie tries to do a chest bump and rolls right off of XXXTine's boobs.

"You just slick-boobed!" - Me

"Someone should tell him hand sanitizer's not a good lubricant." - Head Homo

"Sorry, I just jerked off in the bathroom." - Derek

"Blah blah blah, unforgettable quote after unforgettable quote!!" - Brandon

"I'm gonna dress like you for Halloween. All I need is a Coheed and Cambria sweatshirt and I'm set." - Berardi to Hale

"Who stole my shoes!!???!!" -Camilla

To the tune of "Hey Mickey!"...."Hey Titty!" - Everyone around XXXtine

"Come to papa, come to papa...." - Paulsen waiting for a spare

He picks up the spare, jumps over the seats, and almost kills Derek's girlfriend

"I don't want to go to papa!!" - Dana

Lil Patrick gets molested under Brandon's shirt.

"That was not a chest bump." - Lil Patrick (might have been crying a little)

"How am I the only person who doesn't do drugs!!?? Between two teams!!" - Hale

"Dawn milked a baby tiger in Thailand!! With its cracked out mother right beside her!!" - Maegamyte/ Double E (it was a combo)

I almost just hit send with only the quotes - it's kinda all you need. I gotta get some work done today, so here are the highlights from last night:

-My Team is Love, to further spite Lappy, is now calling themselves Baby Tigers. Anything to get a rise out of Lappy, who continues to not show up. Meanwhile, his KingPin gets further and further away from him, as Rick Shirey bowled a 223!!! last night!!!! Rick Dick Strong!!

-Sadly for Maegamyte, the QueenPin is also quickly becoming a lady-equivalent of a wet dream, as Moonie and JessiCan battle it out in their slick shoes for the title. Moonie bowled a freaking 184 last night!!! JessiCan is bowling steadily in the 150s!!! Do we have a 1930 East Germany scandal on our hands!!!?? Juicing!!

-Speaking of the Nazis....__________________ (this part of the recap has also been censored. Make the connection.)

-In possibly the funniest/saddest moment of the night, Camilla almost had to do a barefoot walk of shame from El Dorado, which in all of league history has only ALMOST happened.....to JerSean. (thanks to good samaritan teenagers, possibly Mormons, whom he had befriended in the night, they noticed that his sneakers were still there and ran out to find him in the parking lot, possibly smashing vodka glasses). Luckily, after running around in socks (and sliding all over the place, adorably pathetic), finally Pirahna admitted to having taken them. And the Commish notes that her entire team abandoned her to the shoeless wolves throughout the whole shenanigans. (sheganery?)

-Hale is the sole non-drug user amongst his team (Jesse, Moonie, Roxy, & JessiCan), and his opposing (JerSean, XXXtine, Brandon, Lil Patrick, and Derek). So Mom & Dad were wrong, drugs ARE cool!!!

-In perhaps the most calculating and heartless move EVER, Brofman decided to try to get in Sexy Anne Frank's head (because she was bowling better than him, note the game scores)....he goes, "What would depress her the most?? Oh yeah, she's single!!" and proceeded to make cat lady jokes all night. Sadly, this strategy did not work for my team, seeing as we lost all three games. I forgot how to bowl, I think. I know it involves cocklate shots, but I forget the next part...

-Farm Leaguer Kristen Spaur has requested to be nicknamed "Garlic Areola" in regards to an incident in a restaurant where she misunderstood the meaning of aoli....

-Dede is asking where Korpack is. According to Paulsen, the REAL reason he wasn't there last night was because:

"Oh, I guess Korpacz didn't "like" his girlfriend's facebook page!! He probably had to do damage control, cause he's dating Justin Bieber!!"

Yeah, Korpacz. This is what it feels like to be on the Commish's shit list. Speaking of which, how exactly did you hurt your bowling wrist? Was it from saying, "Fabulous!!" too many times or while knitting your girlfriend a sweater??

Speaking of shit list...

1. A Tie! between Korpacz, Lappy, and Hols to the Wall!!! (where are you???? and why do you have a tattoo?)

Slick Boobs!!

-The Commish

EP 401

"Is that Amadeus?" -Finnberg, re: Head Homo & his long curly locks

"See? My shoes is slick!" - Moonie

And then:
"Put that money near a mouth somewhere!" - Moonie

"The warm-up is throwing me off. I may have to take off my pants." -Jesse

"Did you just say something?" -Me
"Oh, I'll let you know when I'm quote-worthy." -Head Homo

"I'm sure for women you need some kind of pretzel dick to get to your clitoris." -Head Homo (after specifying that his dick is straight as an battering ram)

"I would've changed every fucking plan in the world if I knew I could have a captain hat." - Head Homo, in reference to Hollie's birthday (only some people will understand this)

"I don't know how you guys clean those things." - Brofman, making gestures at the ladies' vaginas.

"I can't bring my wife to bowling, I have kids!" - Brofman
"You know who could watch your kids? My wife!" - Jesse

"Jesse, you and I tied. We should probably kiss or something." - Head Homo

"I like your cock." - Head Homo to Jesse, over megaphone

Jesse bites Head Homo's chest.
"Omigod, I think I just came in my pants. Jesse is my #1." - Head Homo

"Fuck this game. And Christopher Orne's ass." - Jesse
"Let's do this!!" - Head Homo

"I think it'd be really fun to hate fuck Jesse." - Head Homo
"Me too." -Jesse (Exhibit A.)

"Tartar, you're up!!" - Kyle
"She's doing god's work right now!!" - Head Homo (I was writing quotes)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, almost all these quotes are from Head Homo. But he's really loud and he's on my team, so that's pretty much gonna be the scenario all season. So DEAL WITH IT!!!

Obviously, the ONLY story to be told from last night is the fact that we've pretty much already got a winner for BEST BOWLING ACCESSORY EVER.......

Double E made me a freaking gold megaphone for my tiny absurd voice!!!!!

That's right, instead of pathetically yell-whispering into a plastic cup, I now have my very own bowling megaphone!! It works really well at ordering drinks without having to make that long walk to the bar, too!! The only small problem is that it is now a cesspool of disease, since all you bastards kept putting your filthy mouths up to it. Christopher Harris. I'm terrified when JerSean comes back - he's already at decibels way too loud for human ears, I don't want it amplified. Explosions.

In other news, as you can see from the scintillating quotes above, there is quite the romance developing between Head Homo & Jesse "Zorro" Drollette. In spite of Jesse's DJ wife, MCWifey, being in attendance, Head Homo was blatantly putting the moves on Jesse last night - and I gotta say, Jesse was not really resisting. See Exhibit A. By the way, if you're wondering what "Jesse's my #1" means, look no further. Jesse is Head Homo's number one pick amongst the BL Bowling men, should he ever go the gay way. Now he just has to get him drunk enough.....or high enough....I'd give him 3 more Monday nights. Jesse, care to take that bet?

Speaking of wifeys, we had our first ever El Dorado Bowling Wives night, with both Char-char and MCWifey in attendance. So basically, it's the beginning of the end of bowling. All I need to do is put them on the recap chain, and I might as well press the self-destruct button. Just know, we only have Brandon to blame, who started it all last week by posing the question, "You know, I don't know why you ladies don't come more often" to Char Char & MCWifey. A question he asks on a regular basis, but I digress. This led to, "We're not allowed to, we thought?" and Brandon's response, "Really? I've never heard that!" and all of a sudden, the door was wide open. I personally enjoy both ladies, and am slightly afraid that they may take the Queen's Cup, but still, bros before hoes. And mostly, I'm afraid the MC (my MC, that is) will find out what that stands for. Self-destruct!!

Ok, now to the actual bowling. My team, "We All Love Head", banged out a win over Jesse, Moonie & JessiCan's "Slick Shoes" (they REALLY are amused by their team name. Just let them be happy), in spite of Moonie's ridiculous lady-bowling. Strike strike strike strike. Queen Maegamyte, your throne is in danger!

Speaking of Maegamyte, Double E, & Martha, aka, the ladies team plus Lappy, they were pretty much obliterated by "In N Out" - Rick Shirey, Chumsys, Rodney, & Big Willy Style. I can no longer call Rick "Limp Dick", because he is officially strong like bull - this is the team to beat this season. Will Simpson bowling a freaking 193 (191? You know I don't keep stats), Rodney's bowling in the 140, 150s, and Chumsys is even picking it up with scores in the 112s. Are they called In N Out because of editing? Because of their love of hamburgers? Or because they like to bang you, harder and harder, In N Out, until they've left you on the lanes, crying? I think it might be option 3. Who made these freaking teams??? Brandon....I'm sensing a theme.....

Oh, and Lappy, you should wish you came this week, because in your absence, your team has made damn sure that you will not like the team name. I believe we decided on, "My Team is Love"? Dawn is gonna love it!!!

Lastly, the "Pinnetrators" firmly penetrated Derek & Patrick's asses, 3 games to one. Not surprising, seeing as their entire team deserted them for stupid things like Clippers games and Cleveland. And whoever XXXtine was robbing at gunpoint. Oh, and their team name is "Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain." Not too impressed with these team names this season, I gotta say.

As for our last team, Jerrycurl, the LH Assassin, Greg Berg, Finnberg, and Matt Gallagher, aka the Silent Sausage Party - I'm just giving them a name because they have yet to come up with one. They got stuck farm leaguing this week, but don't worry, they'll be ready to go next week. FYI - Farm League games do NOT count in the stats. Not for averages, not for winning/losing games. It's a Hall Pass, people. Take advantage. (just don't ever see that movie.)

Ok! Next week, it's In N Out vs. the Silent Sausage Party - how many men will be penetrated in that game?? And Slick Shoes will take on Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain (ok, you know your name is bad when I have to keep looking it up to make sure I say it correctly. booooooooo), aka Brandon vs. Jesse's wallet. And lastly, it's the Pinnetrators vs. We All Love Head - hopefully, Korpacz will re-prioritize and Broffie will stop washing his daughter's va-jay-jay long enough to bowl with us. A woman's lady parts are a delicate flower. And mystery.

Oh, and My Team is Love, you guys are farm-leaguing it. Oh, Lappy. I love your team name so much.

That's it, except for the fact that my megaphone is so amazing. And remember when I bowled a 157!!!!!!!

Cocklate shots!!

-The Commish

EP 312

Well, I'd like to start out by saying....MY TEAM WON THE MOTHERFUCKING CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!!! WHAT???? Yes, we drank Dede's finest champagne out of that filthy cup (Jesse definitely has hepatitis now), and yes it was an amazingly high scoring game, well fought by Minds in the Gutter, especially Big Willy Style, who scared us thoroughly by starting out game 1 with a turkey, for christ's sake. Luckily, MVP Kyle Swanson, aka Samsonite, aka Shadynasty, came through for us, and definitely got us the win when he scored a 202 on the second and winning game. 2 out of 3, bitches!!!

But before I go any further, League, we need to talk. Sit down, please.

I don't want to beat around the bush. (Well, I kinda do - hey-yo!) I've tried to ignore it for weeks now, but after the poor attendance at last night's Championships, I just can't do this anymore. You (collectively, the league) just don't seem like you're into it anymore. Oh sure, we go through the motions, but it's just not like it used to be, and I'm tired of pretending. I've pulled every trick out of my book to try to make you come, but I don't know if it's worth the effort anymore. It's certainly not satisfying me, faking it. All you do is work, work, work. I never thought this would happen to us - this is the kind of thing that happens to other people. It's like you care more about your job than you care about our time together. I guess I could be partially to blame - my recaps have been late, and kind of half-assed, and if I'm honest, I haven't been coming as often either. And I did bring a lot of new people into our relationship, which may have been too much for you to handle. But is this really it? Is this the end? I like you too much to keep going on like this, but just think about all that we would lose if we broke up. El Dorado, Dede, The Cup, the good times, the excessive drinking - and let's face it, if we go our separate ways, I'm taking all that shit with me. You can keep your balls, I guess. If I'm feeling generous.

Look, I don't want to get bitter. I think what we need is some time apart, to reevaluate things, and think about all of the reasons we want to be together. Cause let's face it, it's not about the bowling. I don't even like bowling. I like the excuse to drink and hang out with all of you. And the dick jokes. I do like the dick jokes.

So let's take the next few months and think about how we'd like things to be different next season. I mean, we all want to come, right? I'd come every day, if I could. (hey-yo!) And if you're not interested in coming, just tell me, and I'll stop making the effort. Frankly, I'm starting to get carpal tunnel.

Next season starts in January, a fresh start. I'd like to try to get back to the old us, the league that El Dorado alternately loved and hated in turn, the league that drove away as much business as we gave, the league that broke ball returns, stole shit from the bowling alley, and drank/smoke/did E/coke/prescription drugs so much that we forgot what happened until the recap the next day. I know we can't have our JerSean back, he's gone now - but we can still have that magic that we had during season 1. Maybe I'll even let you keep the lights on next season. (probably not). You can park in the back parking lot, but I'd prefer you to come in the front door. Wait a minute, what am I talking about, I've lost track.

See you in January.

Oh, wait! There will be bowling next week, I'll let Brandon tell you about it, cause I'm not sure exactly what it will be. All-Star Game take two? He can get you excited about it, I'm no fluffer.

And there will be an end of season party, and of course awards - I'll send a separate email about that once I make up the ballot. I'd like Dede to be able to come (now that word is too loaded - oh god!) to the party, so maybe it won't be on a Monday. I hear she has Fridays off, so maybe we'll do a shindig on a Friday. Significant others will be welcome for this one time only.


It's not you, it's me. Actually, scratch that, it's definitely you.

-The Commish

EP 311

Important news! The championship game has been pushed to Monday, Oct. 17th, due to our need to sell more ad time and get the odds up in Vegas. Also, I'll be in NYC next week, so that may or may not have been a reason. Your season three SuperBowl-ing Tournament will be played by Minds in the Gutter (duh) and my very own team, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup! How does the Commissioner always manage to make the finals?? This is CRAZY. I would say it was fixed, but the guy who made the teams was out first round of the playoffs....so.....yeah.

So the question is - what is happening next week, if it's not the Championship? Well, in Super Bowl fashion, I propose that we do the All-Star game next week, our equivalent of the ProBowl, although hopefully with better attendance. This is the game where the top 16 bowlers play each other, March Madness style, in single elimination games. #1 plays #16, and figure out the rest. One person becomes the victor at the end of the night. It's tons of fun, and lots of surprises - Maegamyte made it all the way to the final two last season and almost took the whole tournament before Lappy rained on her parade. This is the top 16, in case you were wondering: (fyi, averages close at end of season - pre-playoffs)

1 - Lappy (162.8)
2 - Rick Shirey (154.2)
3 - Jerry Meech (153)
4 - Derek Kind (151.4)
5 - Mike Hale (149.3)
6 - Tucker Biggs (142.7)
7 - Kye Swanson (142.3)
8 - Devin McGovern (138.4)
9 - Jesse Drollette (135.5)
10 - Scott Brofman (134)
11 - Brandon Roberts (133.9)
12 - Alex Houlton (133.6)
13 - Steve O (133.5)
14 - Greg Berg (132.7)
15 - Will Simpson (130.7)
16 - Kevin Finn & Rodney Holland (129)

1st round matchups:

Lappy vs. Kevin or Rodney (Kevin and Rodney would need to have a game playoff to see who gets to be destroyed by Lappy)
Rick vs. Will
Jerry vs. Greg
Derek vs. Steve O
Hale vs. Houlton
Tucker vs. Brandon
Swanson vs. Broffy
Devin vs. Jesse

If anyone can't make it, we'll bump up someone. So yeah, that's what's going down. Just to make the email even longer, here are your quotes from the championships:

"Ooh, free drink!" - XXXtine, grabbing a drink off a trashcan outside of El Dorado

"There are little white dots everywhere!" - Roxy
"Omigod, she's doing mushrooms and bowling!" - Head Homo

"Just wait til the lights go out. Chris Orne might walk up and rape you." - Hale to post supervisor Adam, who was visiting

"Ever wonder why you never see Kevin Finn wearing shorts? That's why." - Lappy (you'd have to see Kevin Finn wearing shorts to understand)

Hale starts talking about fisting.
"Shut your fist hole. Fucker." - Camilla

"My entire team's on their period right now." - Hale

"Don't scratch your balls so obviously." - Me to Hale

"You keep eating my fucking carrots, I'm gonna fucking cut you." - Me to Hale

"What the fudge?" -Lil' Patrick
"You don't know how to bowl, that's what the fudge." - Head Homo

"Oh, here comes Captain McSmokeyPants!" -Camilla re: Jesse

"Where's the rapist? Hey, Hale!" - Head Homo

"He chooses to do well today, but loses his money every other day??" - Mugge, re: Jesse

"Mugge has a bigger dick than all of you." - Hale
"Yeah, it's like a forearm." - Mugge

(Head Homo throws the Rainball right down the center of the lane.)
"That's the straightest I've ever done anything." - Head Homo

"If I was a stripper, and I was dancing to Thriller, I would do this." -Dawn, bending her arm sideways and moving it slowly back and forth
"Here's an idea, just keep her away from the strip club." - Lappy

"When did he get good?" - Reina, re: Head Homo

"I had to shake some dew off the louie." - Head Homo
"How bout you strike some dew off the whatever you're talking about?" - Lappy

"Kevin, if you gutterball, I'll give a blowjob every day for a month!" - Head Homo
"2 blow jobs!" -Tucker
(a blow job auction resumes - Kevin does not throw a gutterball regardless.)

This is not a quote, but I'd like to note that XXXtine had light-up boobs at the end of the night. Just saying.

So short version recap (too late), my team fucked the Dicks, 'nuff said - Jesse on Vicodin is a force to be reckoned with, and Limp Dick Rick is still at half mast. Valiant effort by John Berardi, who came straight from the airport to bowling (almost worthy of Brofman dedicated-ness), but he was too late to save the Dicks from blowing it. I guess they spent their load on the season, and didn't save anything for the playoffs. Hey-yo!

As for Sunshine & the O'Neals, they went in thinking they had to win the first two games, as Lappy and Reina had a super early BL marathon call time looming over their head. They lost the first game by a measly 16 pins, and came back to win the 2nd game, which, followed by a call saying their call time was pushed back to 8am, rallied the troops. But instead of a Cinderella story, it was a slasher flick, and Minds in the Gutter tortured the O'Neals in various rooms, and whipped them in the last game. Jerrycurl wore the jigsaw mask, surprisingly (it's more in character with Kevin Finn, Tucker, or Sexy Anne Frank, right?). Jerrycurl thinks the key was that Head Homo was heckling his team the whole game, especially Lil' Patrick, but got focused during the third game and actually started bowling. Big mistake. Also, Dawn's stripper moves were clearly distracting the whole team.

Have fun at the All-Star game, I'll see you in two weeks at the motherf-ing Championships!!!!

-The Commish

EP 310

So, as you all know, last night was not a regular season game, and therefore, I did not bring my notebook, intending for there to be no summary. However, being as things were "off the record", people began to let their guard down, and the night turned into something....well, summary-worthy. As an ethical bowling journalist, I cannot violate the trust of my fellow bowlers, and repeat what happened....but I can hint, right?

--There may or may not have been a bowler who normally doesn't partake in drugs....who partook....and enjoyed herself very much....
--A much-beloved bartender may or may not have hung out with us all night long, bowled with us, and even went so far as to take not one, not two, but three shots of El Dorado's finest tequila with us...
--There may or may not have been a record $1000 bet on the line....and someone lost.....and now must explain himself to his wife....
--There may or may not have been an additional bet, when said bowler ran out of money, where two male bowlers agreed to exchange sexual favors if one lost. Sadly, same bowler lost....again....and now must really explain to his wife what that strange smell on his breath is.....
--There may or may not have been an incident in the El Dorado bathroom between a male and female bowler...and even the Commish doesn't fully know what happened, but both were smiling when they came out....
--Someone may or may not have taken an item to go from El Dorado....in the shape of a bowling ball.....
--A bowler may or may not have have drank a wee bit too much and ended the night by puking in the El Dorado parking lot....
--3 bowlers may or may not have been accosted by a biker gang as they left and had to battle for their lives...and lived to tell the tale (except they can't tell it, cause it's all off the record).....

I wish I could tell you more, but as I've said, it was off the record....except for those lucky 14 bowlers, for whom it may or may not have been the best night of their lives....

See you at the playoffs next week!

-The Commish

EP 310

First off, I'm sorry for missing last night, being the last regular season game, not to mention missing out on Head Homo's brand new rainbow-brite bowling ball (don't worry, Hale sent me a picture). As an apology, I offer up a picture of a popsicle I ate that looked like a penis, or as I'm now calling it, Cock-Lollie. Most of you may have already seen it on facebook, so not really even a good apology at that.

So now, with the regular season over, we are off to the playoffs! Which means that the #1 & #2 teams have an automatic spot, while the 3rd, 4th, 5th, & 6th place teams must battle it out - anyone could win! It's crrrrrazy. So first up, next week is scheduled as the wild card game, where 3rd place and 6th place play, and 4th & 5th place play -- just to clarify, for those who were confused last season, this means only the winning teams advance to the semi-finals, which are the following week, then the finals, which will decide who will be the proud owner of the El Dorado Cup (pictures also attached - you cannot be the proud owner of my cock-lollie, because I already ate it). Sigh, remember when my team won last season? Tonight We Strike!, R.I.P. And if you really need an extra incentive, you also get to drink from the cup in a holy and religious ceremony.

So! Now that we all understand what's happening (nod your head, even if you don't) - a couple of points:

--We'll have to wait til Brofman has time to do the final stats/standings, but unless something crazy happened last night, it looks like Minds in the Gutter and the Dicks have a guaranteed spot in the semi-finals. You can still come and bowl next week during the Wild Card game, but it won't count for anything, unless you have some side bets, which the league fully condones.

--Next Monday is the premiere of BL Season 12. While a lot of us aren't necessarily affected, one of our wild card seeds, Sunshine & the O'Neals, is directly affected, because two of their best players, Lappy & Lil' Patrick, produced the premiere episode, and Reveille is throwing a premiere party that night. It would be kinda awkward if the two guys who produced the episode weren't there. So here are the two options before us:

--Do we take a week off next week and bowl for fun, and push the wild card game to the following week, 9/26?

or

--Do we have Sunshine & the O'Neals and whoever they're playing (probably Korpacz's Kids) do a make-up game during the week, so that playoffs go as scheduled?

Lastly, alternates! I have not forgotten about you. For those who don't have an assigned team, and would still love to come bowling and enjoy themselves, you can still bowl during playoffs - your scores will not count, but you will have a good time regardless. However - a couple of things:

--I think Steve-O should be considered one of The Dicks until Rick Shirey's injury is healed. Steve-O, you have been exonerated of your party foul, but you are now a Dick, and your scores shall count.

--Le Bunny is from hereforth an official member of All the Queens Men and her scores shall counteth for the remainder of the playoff season. I crown you Queen Le Bunny.

--All the Queens' Men are allowed to pick up a fifth-counting member of their team, since JerSean is sadly gone. Said member should be an equivalent average to JerSean. Perhaps Santa will come back to their team?

Ok! That's all I got - as soon as we know the official standings for 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th place teams, I'll send a separate email to Sunshine & the O'Neals and the team they are playing so we can decide what to do about next week.

Cock-lollies!

-The Commish

EP 309

Yo.......what's up, bowling people. Vicodin rules, I've never been so mellow in my life. Disappointingly, no trippy side effects so far, minus the extraordinarily sparkly sidewalk on the way out of the dentist's office. Oh, and I might have some extra on Monday, so let the drug dealing begin. woooohooo. So far, only the back of my throat and tongue hurt right now, but nothing I ain't used to with the M.C., naw what I'm saying? eh? Oh, and see attached for my chipmunk-cheeked, drugged out photo, good times. By the way, my husband just told me that I better keep icing as I write. "Your face is your moneymaker. Imagine if you had to rely on your brains to get by?" Yup, I married that man.

So remember when JerSean left? Yeah, me neither. J/K, that's what the quotebook is for. Unfortunately, the quotes don't even come close to describing the night, which may have been the very best night of BL Bowling to date. I know, I say that like every week, but this time I think it was true, as well as being the most nostalgic. Between the JerSean cam, and the cigar cake, the singalongs, the dance parties, the first ever full league photo, the Bitter Sweet Symphony, the tribute from Chris behind the counter, the "After Hours" bowling til 11:30pm....what a night. Hopefully, JerSean is already bowling with Rosie as we speak ("Bowling With Rosie"? New sitcom on CBS?), and breaking a whole new ball return while eating a slice of deep dish pizza and leading a parade singing "Danke Schoen." I had to look up that spelling, I'll tell you what. And.......onto the quotes! (do you like how long these recaps are getting? sheesh).


Quotes of the night:

Hale gives JerSean a helmet with a GoPro on it to start the night.
"Best thing Hale has ever done, definitely in bowling, possibly his whole life." - Brandon

"Is it bad that I'm bowling on my wife's birthday?" - Brofman (quote of the season?? definitely getting nominated for Most Dedicated Bowler again.)

"Yeah!! Suck it, Brofman!!" - The LH Assassin, while pointing at his crotch area

"I need protection from being chest bumped by XXXtine." - Me
"Why didn't you wear a padded bra?" - Rodney

"I would pay $20 to see XXXtine chest bump Patrick Reina." - Brandon
They oblige.
Take 1 - She chest bumps him without warning, he falls over immediately
Take 2 - More prepared, he chest bumps her, and sends her to the ground, rolling in pain!

"You forget, Patrick Reina fucks porn stars." - Brandon

"You know what I'm ready for? I'm ready for some fucking milkshakes." -Rodney to XXXtine, who obligingly makes a squirting noise from her ample bosom

"I'd like to live in her world. There'd be a lot of dicks if you lived in her world." - Head Homo, re: Camilla

"My chest is strong, but my hands are weak." - XXXtine

"I don't care what your score is, I got a 69!!!" - XXXtine

"He performed as well that night too." - Brandon, after Paulsen rolls a gutter during Bittersweet Symphony

"That was 6 years ago!" - JerSean (how old is he???)

"Everyone! My drink's unattended. So roofie it." - XXXtine

"I don't judge my quotes. They're like my children." - JerSean

"Puppy chow, drinks, and vagina, that's all he needs in Chicago." - Camilla. "It's my welcome gift to you, JerSean!"

"I loved being racist in Season 1! That was my schtick that season!" - JerSean (ah, memories.)

"Shark week just got cancelled! Uh!!" - The LH Assassin
"That's your 2nd quote on the board!" - Me
"Welcome to the club." - Head Homo
"I'd be wary of any male being welcomed to any club of Christopher's." - Xtine

"Me Chinese. Me go poopie in my pants." - Moonie to JerSean

"Who is this small child from Korea?" - Xtine

"Do I look like Prince?" - Al, wearing a hat. No.

JerSean gets ice for his broken hand.
"Who did this to you???" - Head Homo
"The ball return." - JerSean

Everyone starts spontaneously singing along to "Could've Had it All" by Adele.
"I don't know what's worse, his bad breath or his singing." Head Homo re: Brandon
(I sigh.)
"Come on, that has to be quote worthy." -Head Homo
"It's worth her pretending to write it down." - Rodney

"Ah, there's so many obstacles!" - Maegamyte, trying to dodge ice, towels, and alcohol after Steve-O had a party foul, again, this time right next to our lane

Hale leaves in the 7th frame of game 3 without saying a word to anyone.
"He did the worst thing in the league and the best thing, all in one night." - Brandon, sadly.

(at 11:10pm, when we're not even close to leaving) "We have a grace period tonight. If Korpacz were here, mooning away, they'd let him." - JerSean

"Smells like boys in here." - Camilla (whilst a male-only dance party is going on behind her)

JerSean's last roll - he puts on his sunglasses, grabs two balls at once, and throws two gutter balls, one barely missing hitting the gate.
"That's the way you go to the top!" - JerSean

"Is this the best fucking night or what?" - JerSean

The last night of JerSean LePaulsen began, as we all remember well, the weirdest and most touching gesture from Mike Hale, of all people, who brought a ridiculously amazing crash helmet, complete with a camera attachment, hence JerSean Cam was born. Typically, when asked why he owns such a thing, he responded, "For my sex tapes." As if the thought of sex with Mike Hale wasn't terrifying enough. As for whether we'll ever see said tape from the JerSean Cam, all I have to say is please Hale. Don't mess up the tapes.

As was appropriate, JerSean and All the Queen's Men swept my team--how could we beat him on his last night? It was totally on purpose, or at least that's the way I'm spinning it. As for the other games, who knows, although we should start caring, since there is only one more regular season game til playoffs.

If we ever doubted the love that El Dorado has for us, they certainly proved it that night. Not only did JerSean get his very own tribute from Chris behind the counter (why didn't I write it down?), AND a very special playing of Bittersweet Symphony (how appropriate for the night?), we also had that place open for a half hour after the last strains of "Closing Time." We also had Dede personally come by to clean up Steve-O's party foul mess by the lanes--Steve-O, that is strike 2 for you.

Other highlights: obviously, the chest bump between XXXtine and lil' Patrick, who against the odds, beat her at her own game. He may have bruised them, but they are definitely ready for a rematch--those lovely lady lumps are no joke. We also added a new alternate to our league, Tricia "Moonie" Horn, who already came prepared with a nickname, racial jokes, and a readiness to wrestle JerSean to the floor, all good qualities in a BL Bowling candidate. We had Brofman, most dedicated bowler, definitely making up for missing a week by skipping out on his wife's birthday. "Brofman has the best marriage ever!", says Brandon. Is it sad that we now judge our marriages by bowling as well? It was also our most dancing-est night, with the all guy dance party, the make-up dance between XXXtine & Patrick on top of the seats - "You don't even know, you don't even know!" - Lil Patrick, "Me and my dad used to do this!" - XXXtine. We even briefly caught Rodney dancing, although he'd never admit it. And now I have to end this email, because I accidentally poured some of the water from my ice pack onto my computer, and it is now glitching and telling me to restart, but before I go, I leave you with one last memory....the very first time that JerSean LePaulsen graced my recap. Here you go...

Quote of the night: "Why are the f--ing lights out?? What am I, a f--ing 15-year-old dropping acid?? (more expletives)" - Sean Paulsen (VERY LOUDLY)
Also, "Man, I can't find my bowling shoes!" -Sean Paulsen, immediately after turning them in (and then he never wore them again.)

Ok, see you on Monday - Sunshine & the O'Neals are playing 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, Korpacz's Kids play Minds in the Gutter, and The Dicks play All the Queens Men. Last chance workout before the playoffs.

BOOM goes the motherfucking dynamite!
-The Commish

EP 308

Ok. So I never wrote the bowling summary last week. And after a week's anticipation, it's never gonna live up to expectations. Which is almost as sad as the fact that the best bowling character to hit the El Dorado ball return is leaving the league, possibly forever. Maybe I was just trying to hang on to this recap, knowing that it was probably one of the best nights we've had at bowling in awhile, and one of my last with JerSean LePaulsen in it, resigning myself to a long playoff season of writing about the actual games. It's probably best for J LeP - the character hit its peak in drunken craziness a while ago, and in terms of trying to top himself, it was never going to end well - he was doomed to destroy either the bowling alley or himself. Also, judging by the haste in which he's leaving, I'm guessing there's a dead hooker involved, so we should probably just let him go, and tell the cops we don't know anything.

Anyway, tomorrow is is his last night, so everyone should come out for one last loud, obnoxious moment with Sir Sean LeP. I would say we should give him a moment of silence, but it's already going to be so much quieter when he's gone, it somehow doesn't seem necessary. On to the recap!

Quotes of the night:

"JerSean is moving to Chicago." - Brandon to Dede
"Aw, he's gonna get really fucked up, isn't he." - Dede, smiling fondly

"Do you remember me? Javier?" -Roxy to Al, aka Piranha

"The gays are liars!" -XXXtine
"That's true. We're total liars, we tell you you look good in those clothes you're wearing." - Head Homo

"It's like we're playing the Limp Dicks." - Rodney (no Rick Shirey, no Derek)

"Patrick made that shirt in 7th grade. And it still fits him." - Alex Katz re: Lil Patrick's glow in the dark tie-dye shirt

"We're never gonna finish - between the senior citizens and the smokers, we're screwed." - Rodney

"One day you will have kids and be able to be the loudest jackass in the world." -Alex Katz to JerSean

"We went down to the Dicks, went down on the Dicks. Is that what happened??" - Jesse

"Dicks know how to finish it." - Mugge

"Stick a dick in it, it's done." - Sloop John B

"Fucking replacement Dicks." - Jesse
"The Strap-Ons. These fucking dildos are keeping us afloat." - Sloop John B (who knew he had it in him?)

"I like all this dick talk." - Me

"Vaginas are funnier." - Jesse

"Do you treat our lanes like they're the AAA league?? You send Piranha over here to write quotes. Minor League Quote boy!!"
"He's a live logger." - Me
"Well, I don't see a computer!!!!" - JerSean (there was more to this rant, but all I wrote down was, "Blah blah blah, not getting quotes in the quotebook, blah blah blah.")

"Why are you abandoning us?" - Head Homo
"I'm running away from my problems." - JerSean
"Yeah, go run to Oprah!" - Head Homo

"Whose dick did you suck for that job & did you use the technique that I taught you?" - Head Homo
"No, cause your techniques suck!" - JerSean
"Clearly, you were doing it wrong." Head Homo

"You should know that Kerin Pinns and Sexy Anne Frank are banging on Sunday. The dialogue existed." - Double E

"The league is the best thing in our lives we will ever create." - Brandon

"I would rather swallow razor blades than listen to that crap." - A disgusted Alex Katz, trying to get away from JerSean

"Is it wrong, that I'm happy when Lappy is upset?" - Jerrycurl (haHA Jerry! You made the quote board!!)

Party foul on Steve-O, as he smashes a glass on the lane.
"That's what happens when you bring Dicks to a party." - Jesse

"What do you need, do you need a blowjob, I'll do that!" - Head Homo to Lappy
"I know you will." - Lappy

"We have enough bottles for 8 more games!" - Megashark

"$100 tab....at a bowling alley. Yeah, that makes sense." - Korpacz

Steve-O counting the money that he's won from Jesse. "Is $80 enough that your wife might notice?"

A fight breaks out between JerSean, Double E, Head Homo & Xtine, involving purses, shoes, and yelling.
"That was a JerSean tornado and I found the eye." - Head Homo

"Do you have a vagina?" - XXXTine
"No." - Head Homo

"Hey, come here, you got a chest to be bumped. (squeezes her boobs) They're still going strong." - XXXtine

"I chest bump-raped her in the boobs!" - XXXtine re: me.

"I think rape is funny. My dad was a great lover." - XXXtine

"It smells like weed in here!." -Jesse. Then he realizes it's his bowling bag.

"It'll be my Black Swan song next week. I'll be the Natalie Portman to their Mila Kunis. Find that person and get back to me." -JerSean

"Why are there no cute boys at bowling? It would help keep me awake." - Xtine

"This league is fucking bullshit!! Fuck this league, I quit." - an abridged version of Korpacz's staged rant, after he learned Le Bunny's scores didn't count

"Goddamn that dynamite went boom!!" - JerSean
"Actually, it's boom goes the dynamite." - Head Homo

"We have the turkey baking in the oven, just shut the fuck up right now!!" - JerSean

"What just fucking happened right here? O.M.G.!" - JerSean

"Why do they let us come here?" - Xtine

"Korpacz has a tramp stamp!" - Jessican (aka Jessica Navarro)

"It's like puppies wrestling." - Xinte re: JerSean & Korpacz fighting

"So I'm officially hooked again." - Double E


You know, I knew last Monday was amazing. But I had forgotten about so many things until I read through the quote book! Not to mention all the gems I missed from the sad performance of our live logger, Piranha, who was supposedly covering the action on the other side. Yes, I see the error of my ways in enlisting Piranha, quitter of bowling, to be my second-in-command. He started out fine, writing some mediocre quotes about DeadMaus & Lil Patrick's t-shirt, but then about two quotes in, he wrote "Sean Paulsen: "I suck at quotes and I'm a pussy," - aka, he got upset when he wasn't doing well at writing the quotes & that people were yelling at him, and he just gave up, which is strikingly parallel to what happened when he briefly bowled with us. Like Richard Marx said, I shoulda know better.

Regardless of what was lost in the bowling equivalent of the Gnostic Gospels (look it up, it's a super smart reference), I think I got a pretty good idea of what was happening over there - honestly, the yelling was so slurred I probably wouldn't have gotten many quotes of it anyway, and besides, the best parts came later in the night. The fight between JerSean, Double E, Head Homo and Xtine was easily my favorite, in that it made no sense, started out with Head Homo yelling about the size of Xtine's Louis Vitton purse, and then somehow denigrated into Double E throwing her bowling shoes at JerSean while he threatened her, red-faced, vodka soda ice cubes tinkling in his glass. JerSean, don't worry - I took a picture and forwarded it to Rosie O'Donnell to warn her what she was in for. This was not the first or last JerSean fight of the night, as he and Korpacz regularly took each other to the floor, rolling around & exposing Korpacz's tramp stamp, while the El Dorado employees turned on the lights and played "Closing Time" desperately, their only defense to get us the f-- out of there.

Not to mention, in actual bowling games, every game somehow came down to the wire in some sort of dramatic finish. Over on our side, the Dicks and the dick-related humor nearly broke us. For some reason, I want to make some sort of comparison between Jen & the Hollograms and The Dicks & The Strap-Ons. There has to be something there, right? Anyway, even without their most powerful members, the Dicks still gave it to us, hard and painfully, and the replacement Dicks, aka Steve-O, their head Strap-On, were bowling way better than the dicks on my team. Not to mention my brutal chest-bump rape by XXXtine, of which I tried to suppress, but I'm sure will come up later in therapy sessions. (I've given up on ChrisSTDine, it's too hard to say). Despite the fact that we got brutally Dick-slapped in game one, we managed to come back in game two, and squeak out a two pin victory in game 3 - but we were very sore by the end of it. Especially Jesse's....wallet. (I was going to say ass, but it was too blatant - he probably does carry his wallet back there, though). Basically, Jesse lost $120 to bets, and $30 to Dede. Lucy, you got some splaining to do.

As for the quietest game of the night (except for Lil Patrick's extremely loud t-shirt), it was already a done deal that Minds in Gutter was going to win (goddamn that number 1 team!), but Lappy had a chance to save his team some face and at least win one game, as it all came down to the last frame between Lappy & Jerrycurl. Perhaps Lappy should've accepted that b.j. from Head Homo, because Sunshine & the O'Neals were swept by Minds in the Gutter by a mere two pins (two pins again?? That seems wrong, but as we know, I don't care about the stats). At least Lappy still has his Kingpin score to cling to, although Jerry did beat him in 2 out of 3 games. See, isn't it really boring when I talk about the actual scores instead of dicks and vaginas? Sigh.

And then, as for the most entertaining game of the night, which I sadly had to outsource due to the fact that I was actually bowling, Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queens Men. First off, we had Alex Katz, Big Boss Man, in the house, who finally remembered why he hates bowling - oh right, JerSean LePaulsen. I had completely forgotten about that rivalry, and combined with the fact that it was JerSean's penultimate night in the alley, his volume was off the charts, and right next to Big Boss Man. So clearly this was the first and last time we'll be seeing him at El Dorado, but he did get his quotes in for the season, and will certainly be nominated for best cameo. Due to some shady practices of the Secretary of Fairness, I believe All the Queens Men swept Korpacz's Kids - regardless, Korpacz ordered $100 worth of bottles and gave a big F.U. to the league. That was actually my second favorite moment of the night, when after game 2, Korpacz, fresh bottle in hand, discovered that his team hadn't actually won due to a bad deal between the Commish and the Secretary, made early in the season - I literally thought he was going to kill someone, possibly me, until he smiled and said it was just for the cameras, aka quotebook. While JerSean will leave a large hole in the league, I believe Korpacz will do his best, cupcake faces aside, to fill it. Oh, and yes, to go with my earlier thought, this game also came down to the wire, as the turkeys were baking in the oven for Devin McGovern, and then popped out right in time for Thanksgiving on the 10th frame, just in time to beat the battered Korpacz's Kids. We may need a telethon to save them from being last place, at this point.

Other than that, we did have two strong contenders for quotes of the season emerge on Monday - the maudlin, nostalgically drunk Brandon, telling me that "The league is the best thing in our lives we will ever create." Hopefully he meant to end that statement with "together", although I've already gone on record many times stating my worries that between my Italian heritage and the M.C.'s Armenian back hair, we are doomed to give birth to a ball of fur, so he might be right across the board. Clearly, in spite of the questionable fairness or "realness" of the league, Brandon and I have done something right, since like heroin, we've gotten Double E hooked again, not to mention the many poor young rookies we've sucked in before they even knew what they were getting into. Second contender is Korpacz's Visa ad, "$100 tab....at a bowling alley. Yeah, that makes sense.", which may more sum up Korpacz for the season than the league, but I like it.

Tomorrow night! As I previously mentioned, it's JerSean's last night, not just in bowling, but in freaking California, so get your asses to El Dorado. Here are the matchups:

Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Korpacz's Kids, who will have a jar out for donations - please help them bowl better while drinking more bottles.
The Dicks vs. Minds in the Gutter - get out your dildos, because Rick Shirey has been taken down by an Achilles heel injury (I wasn't aware that an Achilles heel affected your "performance" so much, hmmm). He may bowl on a chair, if the league allows, which I do, because that sounds hilarious, but they probably still need their main strap-on, Steve-O, to sub in.

And, what a wonderful, wonderful coincidence, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, will play All the Queens Men on the eve of JerSean's departure! I'm kind of scared as to what's going to happen. Bring a fire extinguisher, because El Dorado may go up in flames tomorrow. Hopefully, the po-pos won't be there like they were last Monday, because someone is getting arrested.

Playoffs are only two games away! Don't forget, Labor Day is a holiday, so we have a week off before the final game. Also, a new entry has been added to the bowling awards for best bowling approach, so feel free to get creative.

Ok, that's all I got, I'm exhausted. Go ahead and tell me what I missed, jerkfaces.

-The Commish

EP 307

Quotes of the night:

"Goddamn I am a good bowler everybody!!! Watch and fucking learn!!" - JerSean

"He's an inspiration to the Special Olympics." - Korpacz

"6 strikes in a row! It's the hair! And he had sex with a girl the same day he cut it!" - Brandon
"He should cut his hair all the time!" - Maegamyte
"No, he needs to conserve it, before he unleashes it!" - Double E
"That sounds kinda scary." - Maegamyte

"Who's popping bottles?" - Double E
"You're actually asking that?" Brandon
"I've been away a long time." - Double E

"Why are we toasting again?" Double E
"Life, happiness, boobies." - Korpacz

Christine Reed pounds her boobs and throws out her hands as though she's tossing something. "I'm spraying milkshakes all over you!"

"Can my nickname be STD?" -Christine Reed
"Does it stand for something? Besides sexually transmitted disease." - Me
"I just thought it would be funny! STD-free since 1993!" - Christine
"How old were you in 1993?" - Me
"I was a really promiscuous 7-year-old." - Christine, now christened by me, ChrisSTDine (say it out loud, it makes sense)

"You gotta go over there and talk to them, because they don't know how to bowl!!" - angry senior citizens bowling league member, complaining to Chris at the counter
"Well, I've been watching them for awhile now, and they do." - Chris

"I woulda smacked my hand against the ball return, but it hurts too much from the past 2 weeks." - JerSean
"From what?" - Korpacz
"From fucking smacking my hand against the ball return!!" - JerSean
(are these two the new Laurel & Hardy??)

"JerSean LePaulsen is the best bowler ever....wow, is that guy human? Omg...whoa. What an animal!
p.s. I love penis in my pants." - A quote written in my book by JerSean & Korpacz - try to guess who wrote which part

"How old is Korpacz?" - Me
"40?" - Brofman
"53?" - Greg Berg
"Yeah, I'm 53! I'm like the Energizer Battery, I keep going." - Korpacz
"Battery? Don't you mean Bunny?" - Megashark
"What is this, a fucking spelling bee??" - Korpacz

"I suck at bowling - my tits are great, but they're not carrying me." - ChrisSTDine

"I think there's a rape going on here." Korpacz, observing ChrisSTDine & Kevin Finn dancing together

"She's like the anti X-O. She's the triple X-O!" - Brofman (*Xtine Owen = X-O, ChrisSTDine = XXX-O. It's science. Or math?)

"Doesn't that hurt?" -Greg Berg, observing ChrisSTD chest bump someone for the 100th time
"They seem to be very resilient." - Me

"If my wife knew how many times I've chest-bumped tonight, I'd be divorced." -Brofman


I don't want to exaggerate or anything, but last night was possibly the best night in bowling history - and for sure, hands down, the best of season 3. It was partly due to the high attendance, including fan favorite Double E (double e! (clap clap) double e!). It also maybe had something do with the fact that we had a dance-off straight out of an 80's movie. And let's not forget that Professor LePaulsen bowled a record (well, at least for his record) 6 strikes in a row and nearly broke all of the furniture in El Dorado, including the windows, due to yelling. (This may have had something to do with the senior citizens league complaining - they were bowling right next to him.) But it also, 100%, had something to do with the best bowler debut since JerSean himself - Miss. Christine. Mother-Fing. Reed. That is the last time that she will be called that, since she has christened herself with the nickname of STD - no, it doesn't stand for anything clever - which might be the best nickname since the other Christine's V (especially since she chose it herself). And never could there be too more opposite Christines. If Christine Owen is the vagina of the league, then ChrisSTDine is the BOOBIES, with extra capital letters. In fact, I think we all would love to see both Xtines in full effect next week - especially considering Xtine "V" Owen has been renounced by at least one team member ("She done. Two weeks she missed for manicures!!"), and the Commish is giving her one last chance to come next week before she gets Auf'd like poor Hols to the Wall.

But back to ChrisSTDine. It's hard to describe to those who weren't there last night just how much good times were brought by just one new member. First off, she has a bowling style to rival JerSean - literally, every throw was followed through with her entire body collapsing to the floor in a kneeling fetal position (and also, usually a fault). Second, she doesn't mess around with the beer - she goes straight to jack and cokes and keeps them flowing. She already has a signature move - I'm planning to call it the Milkshake Spray. She's already in my list of nominees for best dancer (although it's gonna be hard to rip that throne from Sexy Anne Frank, as was demonstrated last night...) True - she's dangerous - she did have to be continually reminded to "Wait! Wait for the thing to go up!" since she had a tendency to throw one ball immediately after another, regardless of if the gate was down or not. Also, I may be a bit biased in her awesomeness, given the number of times she stroked my hair (and ass) last night, saying "you're so pretty...am I being creepy?", but guys. I see a star in the making. Or perhaps more appropriately, another life about to be ruined by the El Dorado Lanes.

Speaking of watching the throne - Sexy Anne Frank clearly has her eye on another win for Best Dancer this year. Double E's main contention last season was the Sexy Frank only had one move - the old reliable hip hop square. Clearly, the only way to settle this once and for all was a dance-off, which I've been hoping for since the awards ceremony. Unfortunately for Double E, Sexy Anne Frank was clearly waiting for just such a dance-off, because the moves she had were out of control. Nowhere to be found was the hip hop square. She was dancing in circles (literally) around Double E, dancing on chairs, even once appearing in between Double E's legs. Double E was unprepared for this dance explosion, and so humbly accepted her defeat. I personally believe there should be a rematch - but the fans can only hope and dream.

As for the actual games - the one to watch was clearly JerSean and his devil's haircut, which not only brought him some well-deserved lovin', but also a ridiculous score of 206!! Sadly, his killer score was outshone by his version of XXX-O, Big Willie Style, who was quietly beating his score (and his team) while JerSean was screaming and yelling on furniture. After losing the first game in spite of the 6 strike-a-thon, the team gave up, JerSean throwing a bowling ball halfway down the lane just for it to stop dead in the gutter, then throwing another bowling ball to join it, then smacking the ball return, then "Are Kidding Me??" and out. Also, Brandon seems unable to perform unless he's betting Jesse - he got Steve-O, Jesse's replacement high, but it just wasn't the same. Minds in the Gutter remain unbeatable, and All the Queens Men remain in dead last. Maybe Brandon is the curse?

As for my game, besides the entertainment value in ChrisSTDine, my team eked out a victory, 2-1, in spite of being staffed by nearly all alternates. Basically, to replace Jesse, I took a stoner (Steve-O) and a person named Jessica (Navarro) - the only thing missing was the anger at being quoted and the little white booties. The first game was pretty bleak - Korpacz was buying bottles by frame 2, after Brofman AND Megashark turkey'd to start (Korpacz and Greg Berg were also striking up a storm). ChrisSTDine made up for her lack of bowling with her abundance of boobies (I think she bowled something like a 60 average), but my team managed to climb her mountains to victory. Tits for us!

As for Sunshine and the O'Neal vs. the Dicks, Rick Shirey and his Hello Kitty pink wristband overpowered the Care-Bear stare of Dawn and her sunny team (I think it was 2-1). Oh, and Head Homo, here's your pity quote:
"Come on, you can get that, it's easy!" - H.H.
"No it's not!" - Camilla
"Yeah, but you are." H.H.
I'm sorry, I tried to put that as a quote of the night, but the editor in me wouldn't let me. You'll get 'em next time, tiger.


Speaking of next time - the matchups are Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Minds in the Gutter, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, and 1 Cup vs. the Dicks, and Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queens Men.

Also - announcement - the league is now CLOSED in terms of alternates. We love the rookies we've got - Roxy, FinnBerg, Steve-O, Jessica Navarro, and of course, ChrisSTDine, but as of this week, I'm closing the ranks - no more newbies. If you want to invite friends to come, that's fine, but they gotta bowl on the sidelines. Also - we welcome celebrity stop-bys, as Double E can attest - Hols to the Wall, this means you.

Ok - see you boobies next week.

-The Commish

EP 306

Quotes of the night:

"I'm not a bad person." - Head Homo

"I can't hear, talk louder." - Me
"I can't yell vagina that loud." - Head Homo

"Remember bowling? That's what we're doing." - Jesse to me, as I'm writing

"You have other talents other than quoting. Like salad tossing." - Jesse to Head Homo

"Where is the gay bowling alley?" - Head Homo. "Seriously?"

"If you look closely, Korpacz has a cock on his forehead." - Brandon

"What is this, 10% tax to the Commish?" - JerSean, after Korpacz gives me a glass of champagne
"Bottles!" - Korpacz

"I accept it. I am the curse of my team." - Dawn, very sadly

"I am a cock pic away from being Brett Favre." - Brofman to Roxy

"No, don't talk about masturbation, cause I can't bowl - I'll be thinking about your dick." - Jesse to Hale

"That curved to the left like the M.C." - Jesse
"How did you know?" - Me

"Don't write down private conversations we have about your husband's dick!" - Jesse to me

"Do you purposefully try to have sex with your wife when your in-laws are in town?" -Hale
"I don't purposefully try to have sex with my wife anymore, period." - Jesse

"You are a fucking asshole." Jesse to me.

"We're dancing, Jerry!" - Sexy Anne Frank
"Well, one of us is." - Jerrycurl

"Who do I have to fuck in the ass to get a strike?" - Hale
"It's not like fucking in the ass is a....(pause, looks at me) That could have ended a million ways. You know how it's not gonna end? On your quote board." - Jesse

"I didn't know it, Roxy likes it with the lights off!" - JerSean

"Is your name Chris Ornay?" - Sexy Anne Frank
"Shut the fuck up, I will punch you in the cunt." - Head Homo

"Every week when Hale leaves, he looks like some bitter guy at the airport." - Lappy, re: Hale & his wheely suitcase


So it seems that another guilt trip is order, because yet again, attendance was waaaaaaay too light last night. What, do you think you cannot be replaced?? Well, BOOM! goes the motherfucking dynamite, cause that shit is about to go down. Hols to the Wall, auf wiedersehen, you're out. And Xtine, our own darling V - you are on thin, thin ice. First off, you have now missed 3 weeks in a row, aka 3 strikes, you're out, say those in baseball. AND - unfortunately for you, last night, the Other Christine, aka the O.C., came by with a brand new V, a hunger and dedication for bowling, AND a glow in the dark manicure. So......yeah. I think that speaks for itself. We also have Steve-O, who clearly fits right in - he's already begun losing bets, drinking vodka sodas, and starting a rivalry with Rick "The Dick" Shirey - all he needs is a catchphrase, and he's JerKorpacz. We also have FinnBerg, not to mention Brian (? another editor on Roseanne? I think that's his name?), so you better check yourselves. Before you riggity wreck your...attendance records (that doesn't rhyme). Yeah.

Also, I'd like to report a notebook hijacking - not only was my notebook vandalized by a full page penis drawing, which I keep forgetting is in there, and keep accidentally opening on my desk at work - it was also, in perhaps the biggest violation of El Dorado code, set fire to by Mike Hale. In the middle of the bowling alley. I'm not sure why no one noticed that. Apparently, all El Dorado pays attention to is Korpacz's bare ass.

As for the results, my team swept Jerrycurl off his feet, 3-0, unlike Sexy Anne Frank, who did her hip hop square dance all around him, while he looked off, bored, to the distance. Jesse finally figured out a way to financially support his gambling addiction....basically, bet Steve-O. Sunshine and the O'Neals, not sure if they won, but based on Dawn's glum report, I'm guessing they were run through by the Queen's Men. Apparently, Dawn is officially confirming Head Homo's report, she is the curse of her team. It's not sunshine, it's skin cancer. As for the Dicks vs. Kids, I do know that Korpacz bought bottles, but he does that even when he loses now, so there's no telling til Broffie sends out the official stats.

Ok, yes. This was a weak recap. Next week, I'll be better. I just want to leave work.

Dede's back!

-The Commish

EP 305

Quotes of the night:

"Having dinner with my lovebug cupcake face tonight <3 <3" - Korpacz, who left after game 1

"It's not your dad's Michael Korpacz, the guy who's doing blow and popping bottles. It's Michael Cupcake-face." - Brandon

"It looks like Greg Berg had sexual intercourse with Kevin Finn and made Adam Finnberg." - Brandon

"It's like if Frank Sinatra bowled." - Jesse, re: Jerrycurl

"Why is it so small?" - Me, re: JerSean's regular sized vodka soda
"Two words. De -De." -JerSean

"This is the most tainted bowling league in the world." - Brandon
"Did you say taint?" -Hale

"Boom goes the fucking dynamite!" - JerSean (is this becoming his new catchphrase?)

"If JerSean and Korpacz had a baby, it would look like Steve-O." - Brandon

"It's crazy how if people mated in this room, they would become other people in this room." - Brandon
"No one in this room should be allowed to mate." - Me

"Come on, pin! Just go down like your brothers!" - JerSean

"At least a full M.C. away from the pin." - JerSean
"No, it was way closer." - Me

"Woah, looks like we've got all the Queens Men!!! Oh, I guess that's the same." -JerSean, after Roxy, aka Le Bunny, bowls a strike

"I have a new sex term for you guys - sounding." - Head Homo
"Is that when someone cums in your ear?" - Jesse
"No, that would be deafening." - Head Homo

....this brings up Jesse's favorite sex term, docking - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=docking
"There's nothing you can get out of that." - Head Homo
"Except a cute picture. It's like holding hands, but with dicks. It's adorable." - Jesse
"Like a puppy wearing a sweater." - Brofman

"Dawn wasn't here tonight and we won. So who holds the curse????" - Head Homo (quote or controversy? not sure yet)

"Anytime in the 80s when there was a sitcom that had a bowling episode, my dad would provide the bowling balls. And then he would say, hey, can you stick my son somewhere?" - Hale, after revealing his 5-year-old grudge against Roseanne

"I was called out as a pedophile!" -Head Homo
"Well, you are a pedophile. You like fucking little boys." - Jesse
"18 is legal. And in Georgia, it's 14, which is awesome." Head "Pedophile" Homo

"I'll fist anyone, any time." - Head Homo
"I don't need to write that down, cause everyone knows it's true." - Me

"A week without Christopher quotes is like a week....without JerSean's STDs." - Head Homo

"Look, I like a good dick in my ass too." - Sexy Anne Frank

"You were a cunt-hair away." -Jesse, after I barely miss a pin

"I shaved!" - Me, when I pick up the spare

"I know science better than anybody. I work in reality tv." JerSean.
(Jesse misses the spare)
"He missed that. That was physics, aka science." JerSean


So - quiet night, everybody. I personally blame Michael Cupcake-face - without him yelling "Bottles!", no one else needs to raise their voice, and so overall, everyone is speaking at regular volume, aka I can't hear any of the quotes. Clearly, Cuddlebug Korpacz has chosen love over bowling, so while the rest of us are steadily destroying our relationships, he's building one. Good luck buddy - but expect to be called a sprained vagina a whole lot more. Luckily, Head Homo and Professor JerSean are there to pick up the slack, and neither seems to enjoy cuddling or writing hearts in computer language, so we're safe for the moment. (In fact, the first thing JerSean did when he arrived was take a Vicodin, washed down with a splash of Blue Moon. Yum) We've also picked up a possible replacement in our new recruit Steve-O, who, even though I just kind of arbitrarily gave him that nickname, has headbutted the actual Steve-O for the rights to that nickname and won, but Steve-O from Jackass is a jackass and didn't give up the name. God knows how much meth was involved in that interaction. Steve-O (the one who was there last night) also has the claim to fame of breaking his foot while moshing (?) barefoot (?) at a Rage Against the Machine concert (?), not in 1991, but this past weekend. I wasn't aware that a) people "moshed" anymore, and b) Rage Against the Machine still exists? Regardless of the time warp (how old is he??) Steve-O definitely has potential to out-rockstar Cutie Korpacz this season - stay tuned.

Which brings me to the fact of subs - we need to lay a few ground rules with them, especially if the people who came last night want to keep coming. Maybe we need to bring back the farm league, just so we know what the subs averages are? Do subs scores count? I think Commissioner of Fairness and I have to discuss this when we're not actually playing each other, but feel free to weigh in - does everyone want the subs scores to count, or do we only want team members' scores to count?

In other news, a new controversy has arisen in the O'Neal family between Sunshine and Head Homo - Head Homo has a valid point, since his team won without Dawn, but WITH Head Homo, who previous to now was known as his team's kryptonite. So has it been DAWN that is somehow jinxing her team with her sunny attitude all along, using Head Homo as her screen? This is clearly a case study that needs some further research, and I only know one person who has the proper scientific credentials - Professor LePaulsen. He is also doing field research on the use of interpretive dance in bowling and the physics of how much vodka one can drink while still remaining upright, so this may take awhile. Be patient. It's boring, but it's science.

As of next week, we hit the halfway mark, and start bowling the top of the rotation again - which means if you've been holding back, now's the time to hit your stride. This also means that Hols to the Wall, unless you get your balls to bowling next week, you are officially kicked out of this season, seeing as you've missed half of the games. Although first season, that happened and your team won the championship, so maybe The Dicks will discourage you from coming - though they are Dicks, they should be able to handle an additional vagina. Someone from that team, please also tell Hollie this news, because she has a tendency to not read my recaps (see season 2, when she didn't realize that she'd missed the championships).

Ok! Next week, we see if the Sunshine curse is a real thing, or just a Head Homo red herring, as Sunshine & the O'Neals take on Brandon's goddamn team who beat my team last night I hate them.

Also - my team takes on Jerrycurl Sinatra, who will easily outclass us - and hopefully not beat us too badly.

Lastly, Korpacz's Kids take on the Dicks, but will Korpacz's sprained vagina be able to to hold up to the onslaught? Or will he leave early to go to a Katherine Heigl movie? What is this world coming to??

Stay posted for standings, coming soon from Brofman.

-The Commish

EP 304

Warning: This recap includes references to pedophilia, fist-fucking, and lots of barely concealed references to vaginas. In other words, ladies and gentleman, Head Homo is back!! *
*apparently he was back last week, but if a quote falls in the forest and the Commissioner doesn't hear it, does it exist??

Quotes of the night:

"Korpacz can't come tonight, he has a sprained labia." - Brofman
"Isn't that a vagina?" - Me
"Yes. It means he's being a pussy." - Brofman

"What's Irish and lives in your backyard?" - Head Homo (JerSean just looks at him) - "Paddy-O-Furniture!!"
(this later becomes Lil' Patrick's nickname for the night - side note: is Patrick actually Irish?)

"By the way, do you know what a rainbow party is?" - Dawn to Head Homo
"Yes, and you should probably use protection next time." - Head Homo

"He's eating fucking Frosted Flakes!!! Are they Grrrrrrrreat??" - Head Homo to Patrick

"Gee, I wonder why you're always on the last place team. You're fucking up your own team members!!" - Lappy to Head Homo

"My mom wouldn't let me have any My Little Ponies. I showed her, I turned out to be a fag!" - Head Homo

"I'm unpredictable - I might be good for 1 quote or 20!!" - JerSean

"That's right, lights go off, dicks get stronger!" - Rick Shirey

"This is my special area!! I'm gonna wind up pointing to a doll in court about where you touched me!!" -Head Homo to Dawn, who kept going for his nipples

"BOOMgoesthefuckingDYNAMYTELappyyoulistening??" -JerSean, all in one breath

"That was all your ladyparts!!" -Jesse to me, after two strikes in a row

"Mike Hale is fingerbanging his ball." - Me
"That's not gonna get him a second date. He's fingerbanging like a 3-year-old." - Head Homo

"The #1 Queen of El Dorado!!" - JerSean to Maegamyte
"JerSean...seriously??" - Head Homo. "What number am I?"
"Four!" - JerSean
"Yeah, well, you were four inches too short!" - Head Homo
"My mom told me 3 inches were something to be proud of!" - JerSean

"Jesse's got spirit!" - Me
"He's got spunk!" - Lappy
"I had some of Jesse's spunk last week." - Head Homo
(pause in conversation, as it turns out that Lappy does NOT know that spunk = semen.)
"I thought it was called skeet!" - Lappy
"There's so many words for it - it's like Eskimos with the word ice." - Head Homo

"Superman those pins! Spend a night with those pins and then come on their back!" - Head Homo to Christopher Harris

"Paddy, think about ladyparts!" - Dawn to Patrick
(he doesn't bowl a spare)
"I might have thought about a dick for a second." - Patrick

"Longer! Longer!" - Me to Jesse
(he throws it short, but still gets the spare)
"It was shorter, but it worked!" - Me
"Sometimes a short one does the job." - Jesse
"I wouldn't know." - Me

"That's cause you can't get pregnant!" -Jesse to Head Homo (I have no idea in what context)

"She bowls like a 5-year-old retard and still gets strikes!!" - Head Homo about me

"You're a pedophile, you keep referencing children!" - Me to Head Homo
(he bowls a strike)
"Don't listen to her - good job, pedophile!" - Dawn
"Keep screwing those 5 year old children!" - Lappy

"You tried to look at her ladyparts!" - Jesse
"I hate her ladyparts!" - Head Homo - "I'll turn to stone if I even get a glimpse!"

"I thought you were trying to do us both at the same time!" - Jesse (re: him and Hale)
"I was!" - Me

"Are you fist-fucking me right now?" -Lappy to Rodney
"What? I'm interested."- Head Homo


So as you can see, the theme of the night was ladyparts, and the ladies WERE particularly strong last night. Between Maegamyte, Dawn, and myself, we basically carried our teams on our lovely lady lumps. Maegamyte was crowned Queen of El Dorado, Red Dawn was educated in rainbow parties, the meaning of "Skeet skeet skeet!" and what "superman-ing that ho" is all about, and I bowled the freaking game of my life - which Jesse attributes to the delicate nurturing of my feminine nether regions by my team. There was a quote that said something to that effect "and she's blossomed into a woman!" or something else that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, but I somehow did not write it down. Whatever - if I can ever manage to bowl a 150 again, I will gladly thank my female genitalia in my acceptance speech (for my...Emmy? Not sure).

The major revelation of the night is that it turns out Head Homo is the main factor in why his team is always last. Not because he's bad at bowling - which he kind is - it's more that he's really good at heckling and messing people up mid-throw, but unfortunately, he uses his powers against his team rather than for it. The amount of times he screamed something just as Patrick was about to throw the ball (and albeit, it was often something really funny) is clearly reflected in lil' Patrick's....lil' score. When questioned about this, Head Homo's only response? "He was eating fucking cereal at a bowling alley!! What was I supposed to do?" Now that H.H. is on Lappy's team, the question of the season is - is Head Homo powerful enough to bring down the number one player in the league? And was this Brandon "Brutus" Roberts' secret evil motivation in putting him on his team? We'll see if this "Homo Handicap" develops into the next controversy of the season....

As for the other games, there was atrocious attendance from Minds in the Gutter and Korpacz's Kids. Korpacz developed a rare case of vulvar vestibulitis, which I highly don't recommend looking up in google pics, unless you want to scream, Christine developed a case of manipedicuritis, and I'm sure her nails and toes will look spectacular next week when we see them, Sexy Anne Frank was stuck in an attic (typical), and Kerin Pinns was...well whatever he was doing tonight, it was probably far weirder than I can make up. Furries? Conclusion is that none of them had proper permission slips submitted to me, and therefore will be held in detention until further notice. Aka, I'll stick them in a room with Head Homo, where he'll berate them and/or show them what the gay version of the shocker is (I'll give you a hint - it involves a fist, and you won't like it). That game does hold the record for the quickest game in Biggest Loser History - but nothing fun is over that quickly. Hey-yo!

Ok - as far as results - I know that my team's ladyparts rained a dark cloud over Sunshine and the O'Neals, in spite of their brand new team t-shirts, complete with a happy sunglass-wearing sun and adorable team nicknames on the back. I also know that the Dicks have become the new unstoppable force, relentlessly pounding the Queen and her men, over and over, possibly in the ass region. Who knows what happens in the dark? And as for the shortest game in the history of the world, aka the premie ejac involving Korpacz's Kids in the Gutter....it was over so quick, I barely knew it happened (that's what she said), so we'll have to wait for the stats from Broffie to update us on that one.

Next week, 4 Guys, 1 LadyPart, and 1 Cup will take on All the Queen's Men - hopefully my lady flower will not wilt in the face of Maegamyte's larger...talents - and be prepared for a very-JerSean-filled recap. Brace yourself. Oh, and Roxy, who had a delightfully weird nickname that I've forgotten, will be officially joining the Queen's Men as a regular as of next week. Welcome. You'll probably regret it.
Meanwhile, Lappy's Sunshine & Dark Cloud of Gayness will take on Korpacz's Kids (Korpacz, the banter will be riDICKulous, you must show up), and speaking of penises, the Dicks will take on Minds in the Gutter - it's gonna be a slaughter unless your players show up, though - MotherTucker and Jerrycurl can't take those dicks on their own, they're far too powerful.

And...that's all. See you next week. 8pm. One more week without Dede :(

-The Commish

EP 303

Hey bowlers-

So last week was weak. A lot of us weren't there, myself included, no Dede, no summary - I can only blame my 10 month old nephew, who promised he was going to walk, and then totally pussy-ed out. Babies.

But last week is over now - and tonight, we've got some good match-ups - let's make it happen, people!

4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup vs. Sunshine and the O'Neals - aka Hale vs. Lappy....yikes! And Head Homo, will you finally come? (that sounds grosser than I intended). By the way, H.H. - I had to doublecheck to know what team you were on....that means you really haven't been here this season. Tonight's the night your quotes will definitely make the summary, cause I sort of only cover the team I'm playing.

Korpacz's Kids vs. Minds in the Gutter (Korpacz vs. Jerrycurl - all should be happy and done by 10pm, since there are no smokers on either team....)

The Dicks vs. All the Queen's Men (Derek vs. Brandon - Brandon, will your queen finally show up?? Maegamyte!!)


See you there. Punks.

-The Commish

EP 302

Quotes of the night:

"The lights on/lights off is our abortion issue." - Brandon (**front runner for quote of the season***)

"Don't make me blow this." - Dede to Korpacz (regarding her whistle)

"Orpaez's Kids! It's Latin Korpacz!" - Megashark (re: the misspelling of Korpacz's Kids)

Following an announcement about $1 game night coming to an end:
"If they ain't serving alcohol, I'm outta here!!!" - Korpacz
"That wasn't last call!" - Me

"I'm so glad you're on my team. I honestly don't think I would go bowling if you weren't here." - Christine to Korpacz

"Christine's new name is 9 Vibrators!!" - Korpacz, because all she bowls are 9s.

Greg Berg gets a strike.
"I hope you never have sex again!" - Hale
"That was harsh!" - Greg
"Or at least get it in the backside?" -Korpacz

"Is he gonna get good? Or drunk?" - Samsonite about Jesse

"What, are we voting every night??" -JerSean, regarding the lights
"Yes, there's a secret society that votes every night, and those are the only votes that really count." - Big Willy Style

"Lights on!" - Christine
"Of course, that's how you like to have sex." - Brandon

"I believe in the right to choose!! Right to lights is a forced choice!!" - Jesse

"We demand a recount." - Christine

After I try to give JerSean his bowler's discount card: "I'm a tv producer, I don't need coupons." - Jersean

"That's like the worst striptease ever." - Me, regarding Christine taking off her sweatshirt

"I don't think I like anything more than when Dede says, 'Korpack?'" - Brandon

"Everybody needs their champagne before bed." -Korpacz

"Everyone scores .5 points better on that lane. Look it up, it's boring, but it's science." - JerSean

"We should make a rule about smoking pot. What, I gotta wait cause you gotta pot?" - Korpacz (this is actually what he said, even though "you gotta pot" makes no sense)

"New rule is that if you're not here, you get a zero." - Korpacz
"Hey, you didn't care when he was on your team!" - Kyle (about Jesse, of course)

"Who do they think they are, keeping me waiting?!" -Christine, who goes out to scold them

"There's a reason why my wife's at home." - Jesse (re: Christine)

"Hey haters, it's medicinal." - The Other Christine (the O.C.)

"I need a little more proof that the weed is helping." - Me
"Oh, it's definitely not helping." - Jesse

"Well maybe we shouldn't drink either, then!" - Me
"You're like Michelle Bachmann, you're an extremist!!" - Christine

"That was better than smashing fruit!" - JerSean (?)

"Hey, Christie-Nine!" - Greg
"Yes! No more Vagina, no more Vibrator, I'm Christie-Nine!" -Christina, aka Vagina, aka Vibrator
"You'll always be Vibrator." - Korpacz


So, week 2, and in spite of poor attendance by some (cough cough, HeadHomoRedDawnHolstotheWalletc), we already have:

-A new controversy!
-A possible quote of the season!
-A stunning twist that rocked the league to the core!

Ok, first off - the battle of the lights rages on, in spite of an extremely democratic and fair vote, not contaminated by alcohol or lobbying by a biased commissioner. People continue to rail against the lights going off, mainly Korpacz & Christine, fascistly declaring that the lights are on in every other quote unquote "real league" and demanding a recount. Jesse and I, clearly on the more liberal, moderate side, contend that the lights out is the more fair policy, seeing as the lights are both on AND off, not to mention that I did give you ALL (*at least those who showed up) the right to choose, the choice was lights, so shut your pieholes about it. Clearly this is a deeply personal issue, with other factors weighing into it - (preference of lights on/lights off in the bedroom, hiding one's drunkenness in the dark, blaming one's bad bowling on the lights....), so I understand, this is one that will be battled out til the end of BL Bowling. It's just getting a little boring.

So thank god! We have another controversy to battle over - The Legalized Marijuana Debate. Do we allow pot smoking to continue, regulation-free, all-American style, as god intended? Or do we want to impose some draconian laws, like regulating smoking breaks, requiring smokers to only smoke between games 1 & 2, penalizing smokers with point deductions, and so forth? I mean, call me biased (seeing as I have one of the heaviest pot smokers on my team), but I thought this was America! Not to mention, I thought this was California! And thirdly, I thought this was El Dorado Lanes, where freedom and vice go hand in hand! If we start regulating weed, what's next? Do we stop JerSean from ordering vodka in pint glasses? No! Do we put a champagne tax on Korpacz? No, people!! Freedom for all, is what I say. Not to mention, in spite of all the grumblings, the weed really isn't preventing us from completing the games. The only reason that one team didn't finish the first week was because a) we started late, and b) JerSean might be a wee bit slow on his wind-up. America! Fuck yeah!

And now, for the sad news (aka the shocking twist that will rock the season).....Dede....is going on vacation for 3 weeks. That's right, Dede is going to Peru on va-cay, and leaving us all to the replacement bartender, whoever that may be. So prepare for some sad, lonely, French-free Monday nights for the next 3 weeks. We spoke of shutting down, but the league must go on. She'll be back, hopefully, unless some Peruvian version of El Dorado whisks her away from us. Oh! And almost forgot to add this genius quote from Dede - Brandon overheard her talking to some customers at the bar: "Yes, I got an award from their league, what have you done for me?" Sigh. Tear.

Alright, so finally, to get to the results. All I know for sure is that my team, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, beat Korpacz's Kids 2 games to 1! Even though the first game only had 2 Guys, 1 Girl, and 1 Cup! Pretty amazing. Sunshine & the O'Neals beat The Dicks (Who Curve Slightly to the Left) 2 games to 1 as well, after Lappy's ridiculous 212 in game 1. Clearly, frontrunner again for the KingPin award, as well as the "person who beats Derek in bets" award. Also - not to add fuel to the weed fire, but that game was over before we had even begun game 3....ooops :) As for All the Queen's Men vs. Minds in the Gutter, I believe Minds beat the Queen's Men - but I'd also like to note that Minds in the Gutter was called Minds in the Gut on the board, which made me giggle every time I saw it up there. Brainstorm! Why didn't we call a team Minds in the Gock!! Sigh. Next season. Arthur's Gocks??

Here are next week's matchups:

Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Minds in the Gutter (Jerrycurl vs. the Smooth Lapinator!! oooh)
4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup vs. The Dicks (Who Curve Slightly to the Left For the Ladies...it just gets longer and longer....that's what she said)
Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queen's Men (aka the Loudmouth game - Korpacz vs. Brandon & JerSean - Bottles!! Are you kidding me??? Hopefully no one dies....)

See ya then. America! Fuck yeah!

-The Commish