EP 304

Warning: This recap includes references to pedophilia, fist-fucking, and lots of barely concealed references to vaginas. In other words, ladies and gentleman, Head Homo is back!! *
*apparently he was back last week, but if a quote falls in the forest and the Commissioner doesn't hear it, does it exist??

Quotes of the night:

"Korpacz can't come tonight, he has a sprained labia." - Brofman
"Isn't that a vagina?" - Me
"Yes. It means he's being a pussy." - Brofman

"What's Irish and lives in your backyard?" - Head Homo (JerSean just looks at him) - "Paddy-O-Furniture!!"
(this later becomes Lil' Patrick's nickname for the night - side note: is Patrick actually Irish?)

"By the way, do you know what a rainbow party is?" - Dawn to Head Homo
"Yes, and you should probably use protection next time." - Head Homo

"He's eating fucking Frosted Flakes!!! Are they Grrrrrrrreat??" - Head Homo to Patrick

"Gee, I wonder why you're always on the last place team. You're fucking up your own team members!!" - Lappy to Head Homo

"My mom wouldn't let me have any My Little Ponies. I showed her, I turned out to be a fag!" - Head Homo

"I'm unpredictable - I might be good for 1 quote or 20!!" - JerSean

"That's right, lights go off, dicks get stronger!" - Rick Shirey

"This is my special area!! I'm gonna wind up pointing to a doll in court about where you touched me!!" -Head Homo to Dawn, who kept going for his nipples

"BOOMgoesthefuckingDYNAMYTELappyyoulistening??" -JerSean, all in one breath

"That was all your ladyparts!!" -Jesse to me, after two strikes in a row

"Mike Hale is fingerbanging his ball." - Me
"That's not gonna get him a second date. He's fingerbanging like a 3-year-old." - Head Homo

"The #1 Queen of El Dorado!!" - JerSean to Maegamyte
"JerSean...seriously??" - Head Homo. "What number am I?"
"Four!" - JerSean
"Yeah, well, you were four inches too short!" - Head Homo
"My mom told me 3 inches were something to be proud of!" - JerSean

"Jesse's got spirit!" - Me
"He's got spunk!" - Lappy
"I had some of Jesse's spunk last week." - Head Homo
(pause in conversation, as it turns out that Lappy does NOT know that spunk = semen.)
"I thought it was called skeet!" - Lappy
"There's so many words for it - it's like Eskimos with the word ice." - Head Homo

"Superman those pins! Spend a night with those pins and then come on their back!" - Head Homo to Christopher Harris

"Paddy, think about ladyparts!" - Dawn to Patrick
(he doesn't bowl a spare)
"I might have thought about a dick for a second." - Patrick

"Longer! Longer!" - Me to Jesse
(he throws it short, but still gets the spare)
"It was shorter, but it worked!" - Me
"Sometimes a short one does the job." - Jesse
"I wouldn't know." - Me

"That's cause you can't get pregnant!" -Jesse to Head Homo (I have no idea in what context)

"She bowls like a 5-year-old retard and still gets strikes!!" - Head Homo about me

"You're a pedophile, you keep referencing children!" - Me to Head Homo
(he bowls a strike)
"Don't listen to her - good job, pedophile!" - Dawn
"Keep screwing those 5 year old children!" - Lappy

"You tried to look at her ladyparts!" - Jesse
"I hate her ladyparts!" - Head Homo - "I'll turn to stone if I even get a glimpse!"

"I thought you were trying to do us both at the same time!" - Jesse (re: him and Hale)
"I was!" - Me

"Are you fist-fucking me right now?" -Lappy to Rodney
"What? I'm interested."- Head Homo


So as you can see, the theme of the night was ladyparts, and the ladies WERE particularly strong last night. Between Maegamyte, Dawn, and myself, we basically carried our teams on our lovely lady lumps. Maegamyte was crowned Queen of El Dorado, Red Dawn was educated in rainbow parties, the meaning of "Skeet skeet skeet!" and what "superman-ing that ho" is all about, and I bowled the freaking game of my life - which Jesse attributes to the delicate nurturing of my feminine nether regions by my team. There was a quote that said something to that effect "and she's blossomed into a woman!" or something else that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, but I somehow did not write it down. Whatever - if I can ever manage to bowl a 150 again, I will gladly thank my female genitalia in my acceptance speech (for my...Emmy? Not sure).

The major revelation of the night is that it turns out Head Homo is the main factor in why his team is always last. Not because he's bad at bowling - which he kind is - it's more that he's really good at heckling and messing people up mid-throw, but unfortunately, he uses his powers against his team rather than for it. The amount of times he screamed something just as Patrick was about to throw the ball (and albeit, it was often something really funny) is clearly reflected in lil' Patrick's....lil' score. When questioned about this, Head Homo's only response? "He was eating fucking cereal at a bowling alley!! What was I supposed to do?" Now that H.H. is on Lappy's team, the question of the season is - is Head Homo powerful enough to bring down the number one player in the league? And was this Brandon "Brutus" Roberts' secret evil motivation in putting him on his team? We'll see if this "Homo Handicap" develops into the next controversy of the season....

As for the other games, there was atrocious attendance from Minds in the Gutter and Korpacz's Kids. Korpacz developed a rare case of vulvar vestibulitis, which I highly don't recommend looking up in google pics, unless you want to scream, Christine developed a case of manipedicuritis, and I'm sure her nails and toes will look spectacular next week when we see them, Sexy Anne Frank was stuck in an attic (typical), and Kerin Pinns was...well whatever he was doing tonight, it was probably far weirder than I can make up. Furries? Conclusion is that none of them had proper permission slips submitted to me, and therefore will be held in detention until further notice. Aka, I'll stick them in a room with Head Homo, where he'll berate them and/or show them what the gay version of the shocker is (I'll give you a hint - it involves a fist, and you won't like it). That game does hold the record for the quickest game in Biggest Loser History - but nothing fun is over that quickly. Hey-yo!

Ok - as far as results - I know that my team's ladyparts rained a dark cloud over Sunshine and the O'Neals, in spite of their brand new team t-shirts, complete with a happy sunglass-wearing sun and adorable team nicknames on the back. I also know that the Dicks have become the new unstoppable force, relentlessly pounding the Queen and her men, over and over, possibly in the ass region. Who knows what happens in the dark? And as for the shortest game in the history of the world, aka the premie ejac involving Korpacz's Kids in the Gutter....it was over so quick, I barely knew it happened (that's what she said), so we'll have to wait for the stats from Broffie to update us on that one.

Next week, 4 Guys, 1 LadyPart, and 1 Cup will take on All the Queen's Men - hopefully my lady flower will not wilt in the face of Maegamyte's larger...talents - and be prepared for a very-JerSean-filled recap. Brace yourself. Oh, and Roxy, who had a delightfully weird nickname that I've forgotten, will be officially joining the Queen's Men as a regular as of next week. Welcome. You'll probably regret it.
Meanwhile, Lappy's Sunshine & Dark Cloud of Gayness will take on Korpacz's Kids (Korpacz, the banter will be riDICKulous, you must show up), and speaking of penises, the Dicks will take on Minds in the Gutter - it's gonna be a slaughter unless your players show up, though - MotherTucker and Jerrycurl can't take those dicks on their own, they're far too powerful.

And...that's all. See you next week. 8pm. One more week without Dede :(

-The Commish