EP 401

"Is that Amadeus?" -Finnberg, re: Head Homo & his long curly locks

"See? My shoes is slick!" - Moonie

And then:
"Put that money near a mouth somewhere!" - Moonie

"The warm-up is throwing me off. I may have to take off my pants." -Jesse

"Did you just say something?" -Me
"Oh, I'll let you know when I'm quote-worthy." -Head Homo

"I'm sure for women you need some kind of pretzel dick to get to your clitoris." -Head Homo (after specifying that his dick is straight as an battering ram)

"I would've changed every fucking plan in the world if I knew I could have a captain hat." - Head Homo, in reference to Hollie's birthday (only some people will understand this)

"I don't know how you guys clean those things." - Brofman, making gestures at the ladies' vaginas.

"I can't bring my wife to bowling, I have kids!" - Brofman
"You know who could watch your kids? My wife!" - Jesse

"Jesse, you and I tied. We should probably kiss or something." - Head Homo

"I like your cock." - Head Homo to Jesse, over megaphone

Jesse bites Head Homo's chest.
"Omigod, I think I just came in my pants. Jesse is my #1." - Head Homo

"Fuck this game. And Christopher Orne's ass." - Jesse
"Let's do this!!" - Head Homo

"I think it'd be really fun to hate fuck Jesse." - Head Homo
"Me too." -Jesse (Exhibit A.)

"Tartar, you're up!!" - Kyle
"She's doing god's work right now!!" - Head Homo (I was writing quotes)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, almost all these quotes are from Head Homo. But he's really loud and he's on my team, so that's pretty much gonna be the scenario all season. So DEAL WITH IT!!!

Obviously, the ONLY story to be told from last night is the fact that we've pretty much already got a winner for BEST BOWLING ACCESSORY EVER.......

Double E made me a freaking gold megaphone for my tiny absurd voice!!!!!

That's right, instead of pathetically yell-whispering into a plastic cup, I now have my very own bowling megaphone!! It works really well at ordering drinks without having to make that long walk to the bar, too!! The only small problem is that it is now a cesspool of disease, since all you bastards kept putting your filthy mouths up to it. Christopher Harris. I'm terrified when JerSean comes back - he's already at decibels way too loud for human ears, I don't want it amplified. Explosions.

In other news, as you can see from the scintillating quotes above, there is quite the romance developing between Head Homo & Jesse "Zorro" Drollette. In spite of Jesse's DJ wife, MCWifey, being in attendance, Head Homo was blatantly putting the moves on Jesse last night - and I gotta say, Jesse was not really resisting. See Exhibit A. By the way, if you're wondering what "Jesse's my #1" means, look no further. Jesse is Head Homo's number one pick amongst the BL Bowling men, should he ever go the gay way. Now he just has to get him drunk enough.....or high enough....I'd give him 3 more Monday nights. Jesse, care to take that bet?

Speaking of wifeys, we had our first ever El Dorado Bowling Wives night, with both Char-char and MCWifey in attendance. So basically, it's the beginning of the end of bowling. All I need to do is put them on the recap chain, and I might as well press the self-destruct button. Just know, we only have Brandon to blame, who started it all last week by posing the question, "You know, I don't know why you ladies don't come more often" to Char Char & MCWifey. A question he asks on a regular basis, but I digress. This led to, "We're not allowed to, we thought?" and Brandon's response, "Really? I've never heard that!" and all of a sudden, the door was wide open. I personally enjoy both ladies, and am slightly afraid that they may take the Queen's Cup, but still, bros before hoes. And mostly, I'm afraid the MC (my MC, that is) will find out what that stands for. Self-destruct!!

Ok, now to the actual bowling. My team, "We All Love Head", banged out a win over Jesse, Moonie & JessiCan's "Slick Shoes" (they REALLY are amused by their team name. Just let them be happy), in spite of Moonie's ridiculous lady-bowling. Strike strike strike strike. Queen Maegamyte, your throne is in danger!

Speaking of Maegamyte, Double E, & Martha, aka, the ladies team plus Lappy, they were pretty much obliterated by "In N Out" - Rick Shirey, Chumsys, Rodney, & Big Willy Style. I can no longer call Rick "Limp Dick", because he is officially strong like bull - this is the team to beat this season. Will Simpson bowling a freaking 193 (191? You know I don't keep stats), Rodney's bowling in the 140, 150s, and Chumsys is even picking it up with scores in the 112s. Are they called In N Out because of editing? Because of their love of hamburgers? Or because they like to bang you, harder and harder, In N Out, until they've left you on the lanes, crying? I think it might be option 3. Who made these freaking teams??? Brandon....I'm sensing a theme.....

Oh, and Lappy, you should wish you came this week, because in your absence, your team has made damn sure that you will not like the team name. I believe we decided on, "My Team is Love"? Dawn is gonna love it!!!

Lastly, the "Pinnetrators" firmly penetrated Derek & Patrick's asses, 3 games to one. Not surprising, seeing as their entire team deserted them for stupid things like Clippers games and Cleveland. And whoever XXXtine was robbing at gunpoint. Oh, and their team name is "Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain." Not too impressed with these team names this season, I gotta say.

As for our last team, Jerrycurl, the LH Assassin, Greg Berg, Finnberg, and Matt Gallagher, aka the Silent Sausage Party - I'm just giving them a name because they have yet to come up with one. They got stuck farm leaguing this week, but don't worry, they'll be ready to go next week. FYI - Farm League games do NOT count in the stats. Not for averages, not for winning/losing games. It's a Hall Pass, people. Take advantage. (just don't ever see that movie.)

Ok! Next week, it's In N Out vs. the Silent Sausage Party - how many men will be penetrated in that game?? And Slick Shoes will take on Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain (ok, you know your name is bad when I have to keep looking it up to make sure I say it correctly. booooooooo), aka Brandon vs. Jesse's wallet. And lastly, it's the Pinnetrators vs. We All Love Head - hopefully, Korpacz will re-prioritize and Broffie will stop washing his daughter's va-jay-jay long enough to bowl with us. A woman's lady parts are a delicate flower. And mystery.

Oh, and My Team is Love, you guys are farm-leaguing it. Oh, Lappy. I love your team name so much.

That's it, except for the fact that my megaphone is so amazing. And remember when I bowled a 157!!!!!!!

Cocklate shots!!

-The Commish