EP 309

Yo.......what's up, bowling people. Vicodin rules, I've never been so mellow in my life. Disappointingly, no trippy side effects so far, minus the extraordinarily sparkly sidewalk on the way out of the dentist's office. Oh, and I might have some extra on Monday, so let the drug dealing begin. woooohooo. So far, only the back of my throat and tongue hurt right now, but nothing I ain't used to with the M.C., naw what I'm saying? eh? Oh, and see attached for my chipmunk-cheeked, drugged out photo, good times. By the way, my husband just told me that I better keep icing as I write. "Your face is your moneymaker. Imagine if you had to rely on your brains to get by?" Yup, I married that man.

So remember when JerSean left? Yeah, me neither. J/K, that's what the quotebook is for. Unfortunately, the quotes don't even come close to describing the night, which may have been the very best night of BL Bowling to date. I know, I say that like every week, but this time I think it was true, as well as being the most nostalgic. Between the JerSean cam, and the cigar cake, the singalongs, the dance parties, the first ever full league photo, the Bitter Sweet Symphony, the tribute from Chris behind the counter, the "After Hours" bowling til 11:30pm....what a night. Hopefully, JerSean is already bowling with Rosie as we speak ("Bowling With Rosie"? New sitcom on CBS?), and breaking a whole new ball return while eating a slice of deep dish pizza and leading a parade singing "Danke Schoen." I had to look up that spelling, I'll tell you what. And.......onto the quotes! (do you like how long these recaps are getting? sheesh).


Quotes of the night:

Hale gives JerSean a helmet with a GoPro on it to start the night.
"Best thing Hale has ever done, definitely in bowling, possibly his whole life." - Brandon

"Is it bad that I'm bowling on my wife's birthday?" - Brofman (quote of the season?? definitely getting nominated for Most Dedicated Bowler again.)

"Yeah!! Suck it, Brofman!!" - The LH Assassin, while pointing at his crotch area

"I need protection from being chest bumped by XXXtine." - Me
"Why didn't you wear a padded bra?" - Rodney

"I would pay $20 to see XXXtine chest bump Patrick Reina." - Brandon
They oblige.
Take 1 - She chest bumps him without warning, he falls over immediately
Take 2 - More prepared, he chest bumps her, and sends her to the ground, rolling in pain!

"You forget, Patrick Reina fucks porn stars." - Brandon

"You know what I'm ready for? I'm ready for some fucking milkshakes." -Rodney to XXXtine, who obligingly makes a squirting noise from her ample bosom

"I'd like to live in her world. There'd be a lot of dicks if you lived in her world." - Head Homo, re: Camilla

"My chest is strong, but my hands are weak." - XXXtine

"I don't care what your score is, I got a 69!!!" - XXXtine

"He performed as well that night too." - Brandon, after Paulsen rolls a gutter during Bittersweet Symphony

"That was 6 years ago!" - JerSean (how old is he???)

"Everyone! My drink's unattended. So roofie it." - XXXtine

"I don't judge my quotes. They're like my children." - JerSean

"Puppy chow, drinks, and vagina, that's all he needs in Chicago." - Camilla. "It's my welcome gift to you, JerSean!"

"I loved being racist in Season 1! That was my schtick that season!" - JerSean (ah, memories.)

"Shark week just got cancelled! Uh!!" - The LH Assassin
"That's your 2nd quote on the board!" - Me
"Welcome to the club." - Head Homo
"I'd be wary of any male being welcomed to any club of Christopher's." - Xtine

"Me Chinese. Me go poopie in my pants." - Moonie to JerSean

"Who is this small child from Korea?" - Xtine

"Do I look like Prince?" - Al, wearing a hat. No.

JerSean gets ice for his broken hand.
"Who did this to you???" - Head Homo
"The ball return." - JerSean

Everyone starts spontaneously singing along to "Could've Had it All" by Adele.
"I don't know what's worse, his bad breath or his singing." Head Homo re: Brandon
(I sigh.)
"Come on, that has to be quote worthy." -Head Homo
"It's worth her pretending to write it down." - Rodney

"Ah, there's so many obstacles!" - Maegamyte, trying to dodge ice, towels, and alcohol after Steve-O had a party foul, again, this time right next to our lane

Hale leaves in the 7th frame of game 3 without saying a word to anyone.
"He did the worst thing in the league and the best thing, all in one night." - Brandon, sadly.

(at 11:10pm, when we're not even close to leaving) "We have a grace period tonight. If Korpacz were here, mooning away, they'd let him." - JerSean

"Smells like boys in here." - Camilla (whilst a male-only dance party is going on behind her)

JerSean's last roll - he puts on his sunglasses, grabs two balls at once, and throws two gutter balls, one barely missing hitting the gate.
"That's the way you go to the top!" - JerSean

"Is this the best fucking night or what?" - JerSean

The last night of JerSean LePaulsen began, as we all remember well, the weirdest and most touching gesture from Mike Hale, of all people, who brought a ridiculously amazing crash helmet, complete with a camera attachment, hence JerSean Cam was born. Typically, when asked why he owns such a thing, he responded, "For my sex tapes." As if the thought of sex with Mike Hale wasn't terrifying enough. As for whether we'll ever see said tape from the JerSean Cam, all I have to say is please Hale. Don't mess up the tapes.

As was appropriate, JerSean and All the Queen's Men swept my team--how could we beat him on his last night? It was totally on purpose, or at least that's the way I'm spinning it. As for the other games, who knows, although we should start caring, since there is only one more regular season game til playoffs.

If we ever doubted the love that El Dorado has for us, they certainly proved it that night. Not only did JerSean get his very own tribute from Chris behind the counter (why didn't I write it down?), AND a very special playing of Bittersweet Symphony (how appropriate for the night?), we also had that place open for a half hour after the last strains of "Closing Time." We also had Dede personally come by to clean up Steve-O's party foul mess by the lanes--Steve-O, that is strike 2 for you.

Other highlights: obviously, the chest bump between XXXtine and lil' Patrick, who against the odds, beat her at her own game. He may have bruised them, but they are definitely ready for a rematch--those lovely lady lumps are no joke. We also added a new alternate to our league, Tricia "Moonie" Horn, who already came prepared with a nickname, racial jokes, and a readiness to wrestle JerSean to the floor, all good qualities in a BL Bowling candidate. We had Brofman, most dedicated bowler, definitely making up for missing a week by skipping out on his wife's birthday. "Brofman has the best marriage ever!", says Brandon. Is it sad that we now judge our marriages by bowling as well? It was also our most dancing-est night, with the all guy dance party, the make-up dance between XXXtine & Patrick on top of the seats - "You don't even know, you don't even know!" - Lil Patrick, "Me and my dad used to do this!" - XXXtine. We even briefly caught Rodney dancing, although he'd never admit it. And now I have to end this email, because I accidentally poured some of the water from my ice pack onto my computer, and it is now glitching and telling me to restart, but before I go, I leave you with one last memory....the very first time that JerSean LePaulsen graced my recap. Here you go...

Quote of the night: "Why are the f--ing lights out?? What am I, a f--ing 15-year-old dropping acid?? (more expletives)" - Sean Paulsen (VERY LOUDLY)
Also, "Man, I can't find my bowling shoes!" -Sean Paulsen, immediately after turning them in (and then he never wore them again.)

Ok, see you on Monday - Sunshine & the O'Neals are playing 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, Korpacz's Kids play Minds in the Gutter, and The Dicks play All the Queens Men. Last chance workout before the playoffs.

BOOM goes the motherfucking dynamite!
-The Commish