Well, I'd like to start out by saying....MY TEAM WON THE MOTHERFUCKING CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!!! WHAT???? Yes, we drank Dede's finest champagne out of that filthy cup (Jesse definitely has hepatitis now), and yes it was an amazingly high scoring game, well fought by Minds in the Gutter, especially Big Willy Style, who scared us thoroughly by starting out game 1 with a turkey, for christ's sake. Luckily, MVP Kyle Swanson, aka Samsonite, aka Shadynasty, came through for us, and definitely got us the win when he scored a 202 on the second and winning game. 2 out of 3, bitches!!!
But before I go any further, League, we need to talk. Sit down, please.
I don't want to beat around the bush. (Well, I kinda do - hey-yo!) I've tried to ignore it for weeks now, but after the poor attendance at last night's Championships, I just can't do this anymore. You (collectively, the league) just don't seem like you're into it anymore. Oh sure, we go through the motions, but it's just not like it used to be, and I'm tired of pretending. I've pulled every trick out of my book to try to make you come, but I don't know if it's worth the effort anymore. It's certainly not satisfying me, faking it. All you do is work, work, work. I never thought this would happen to us - this is the kind of thing that happens to other people. It's like you care more about your job than you care about our time together. I guess I could be partially to blame - my recaps have been late, and kind of half-assed, and if I'm honest, I haven't been coming as often either. And I did bring a lot of new people into our relationship, which may have been too much for you to handle. But is this really it? Is this the end? I like you too much to keep going on like this, but just think about all that we would lose if we broke up. El Dorado, Dede, The Cup, the good times, the excessive drinking - and let's face it, if we go our separate ways, I'm taking all that shit with me. You can keep your balls, I guess. If I'm feeling generous.
Look, I don't want to get bitter. I think what we need is some time apart, to reevaluate things, and think about all of the reasons we want to be together. Cause let's face it, it's not about the bowling. I don't even like bowling. I like the excuse to drink and hang out with all of you. And the dick jokes. I do like the dick jokes.
So let's take the next few months and think about how we'd like things to be different next season. I mean, we all want to come, right? I'd come every day, if I could. (hey-yo!) And if you're not interested in coming, just tell me, and I'll stop making the effort. Frankly, I'm starting to get carpal tunnel.
Next season starts in January, a fresh start. I'd like to try to get back to the old us, the league that El Dorado alternately loved and hated in turn, the league that drove away as much business as we gave, the league that broke ball returns, stole shit from the bowling alley, and drank/smoke/did E/coke/prescription drugs so much that we forgot what happened until the recap the next day. I know we can't have our JerSean back, he's gone now - but we can still have that magic that we had during season 1. Maybe I'll even let you keep the lights on next season. (probably not). You can park in the back parking lot, but I'd prefer you to come in the front door. Wait a minute, what am I talking about, I've lost track.
See you in January.
Oh, wait! There will be bowling next week, I'll let Brandon tell you about it, cause I'm not sure exactly what it will be. All-Star Game take two? He can get you excited about it, I'm no fluffer.
And there will be an end of season party, and of course awards - I'll send a separate email about that once I make up the ballot. I'd like Dede to be able to come (now that word is too loaded - oh god!) to the party, so maybe it won't be on a Monday. I hear she has Fridays off, so maybe we'll do a shindig on a Friday. Significant others will be welcome for this one time only.
It's not you, it's me. Actually, scratch that, it's definitely you.
-The Commish
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