EP 203

Quotes of the night:

From Meegan, aka Double E:

"Ho Ho Ho." Matt Gallagher aka Santa Claus

"Who got laid this week?" Motha Tucka
"I did. I did." Sexy Anne Frank

"What are you, like her rottweiler?" Double E in reference to Derek's protectiveness over Sexy Anne Frank
"I'm like her very own attic." Derek

"Those pins have been naughty Santa." Double E

"Could you guys have more splits?" Lappy
"Yeah, we're gettin split f***ed." Jesse

"All you can do is fuck the split back." Jesse

"This game's tighter than a virgin's vagina." Sexy Anne Frank

"I don't throw splits. It's not my thing." Finn

"Why is it always the middle pin?!?" Double E
"Because God hates you." Lappy

"Nine pins is as bad as blue balls." GI Joe

"You can suck on my ice cubes." An injured Motha Tucka who bowled the best game of his life.

"You hydrated, right?" Santa
"With beer." Double E

"You only need two pins. Don't mess it up you f***er." Chris Orne to Sean Paulsen on the last frame of the night. Paulsen proceeded to throw a gutter ball.

"So what's the secret weapon?" Double E
"I'll pull it out later. And no it's not my penis." Hale


From Lappy:
Meegan and Sara Scotti continued to turn the area between lanes into a god damn dance party... and late in Game 3 when Meegan was once again leading the charge and stomping us, a frustrated Lappy turned to Shyam and
said:
"Jesus Christ, it's like she's dancing on our grave"

From JerSean LePaulsen:
"Is Dawn brushing her ass off?" -JerSean to Head Homo
"Wouldn't you with an ass like that?" -Head Homo to JerSean
"Yeah, actually." -JerSean

"Are you kidding me? FUCK THAT Two pins......." -JerSean's voice trailing off, as he realizes he must change his team's catchphrase; as Hollie bowls a split leaving only the corner pins.

"Piranha likes the taste of blood in the water more than the taste of losing." -JerSean to anyone within earshot, as Piranha throws an early Game 2 strike after getting blown out of game 1.

"I have never been more sexually attracted to you than right now!" -Head Homo to JerSean; After picking up the split for the spare, JerSean thrusts his hips forward and makes the "Fuck It" motion with his hands...

"You bit down on that pin like it she was some Brazil-Argentine woman wading in the river." -JerSean to Piranha after another scoring frame, Game 2.

From Hols to the Wall:
"I'm so hardcore that I changed my bra before I came." - Hollie

Head Homo warns Christine that she's getting too close to the wood on the lane, she's needs to get off it (or something like that)
Christine: "I rarely get off the wood."

From Greg Berg:
Double E after bagging her turkey:
"I'm so happy! I never knew bowling could make me so happy!"


So....even though I wasn't there last night, I did have some guest bloggers/quote takers in the house, so I feel like we're pretty covered. I won't have the full stats until tomorrow, so you'll just have to deal with the recaps today.

As far as I can tell, the heroine of the night was clearly DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! Not only did she bowl the best game of her life (157), but she also kept amazing quote notes - and most impressively, wrote them on little scraps of paper (see attached picture). JerSean Le Paulsen also gets an honorable mention - although most of the quotes he kept track of were his own, I must say that I wish I was in the office when he had his roommate reading his summary over the phone to him. If that's not a team player, I don't know what is.

Here are the game recaps from our special guest recappers!

Tonight We Strike! vs. All Hale Thee Finns
As per Lappy:
GAME 1
Both teams fired out of the gate strong and it looked like this would be a good
game, but just past the halfway point, Tonight we strike began throwing up
strikes and spares like it was their job. Meanwhile, All Hale Thee Finns
couldn't buy a spare. Suddenly in the 8th frame, the game changed again, while
the Strikers slumped, the Finns turned it on, specifically Double E. Before I
knew it, Double E had rolled three strikes in a row, then topped off the last
part of the 10th with a spare, finishing with a 157. But alas, the strikers
weren't out of it yet, with two strikes and an 8, Lappy could triumphantly bring
victory to the strikers... it didn't happen.

GAME 2
Another seesaw battle, Greg Berg and Chris Harris shined, Lappy was below
average but good enough, and the Finns really struggled. Game 2 to the
Strikers. The highlight of this game happened at the start. Mike Hale steps up
to the lane which is now shrouded in blacklight and lasers, and proceeds to
throw and absolute shit fit, complaining about the lights, not being able to see
the arrows and just being fed up with it. (causing Lappy to look at him in
disgust and say, "Are you fucking serious?"). Then, from out of nowhere, Hale
screamed for his secret weapon... and Finn presented him with... NIGHT VISION
GOGGLES. Yes, night vision goggles. WIth his new found optical weaponry, Hale
strolled up confidently to the lane... and threw it in the gutter. Apparently
you can skimp when it comes to seeing in the dark.

GAME 3
Not much to say here, Greg Berg was the stud of the team again, Lappy floundered
again, Chris Harris solid again, but none of it mattered. Mike Hale FINALLY
gave the fans reason as to why he was the projected number 1 seed with a 215,
Tucker rolled a career high 150-something and the whole Finns team kicked ass.
Game 3 to the Finns

As per Mike Hale (who can now officially call himself "The Ringer")

DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E

Sure enough, the sole reason all hale the fins won 2-3 games was because of......DOUBLE E

Game 1 was close with the ringer deciding to suck balls and roll an embarassing 137, i swear if my father saw that he'd make me change my last name. With what was looking to be a lost cause "all hale the finns" came storming back with Double E bowling the game of her life, not only scoring a turkey but leading the team with the high score of the game with a 157.

Game two started off with some drama as Mike Hale dropped his ball mid swing during the 1st frame and went off on a rant complaining about "cosmic bowling" and the lack of light and the goddam disco strobes causing his game to suffer....which makes no sense what so ever considering he bowled a league low 137 with the lights on. Anywho, Kevin Finn came to the rescue by bringing out "The Secret Weapon"......wait for it......wait even longer.....NIGHT VISION. The league stopped as Hale strapped on his newly aquired night vision googles and approached the lanes. With a "clear" view of the pins the ringer approached the lanes with more clarity than his summer lasik precedure.......all that said...he bowled a gutter bowl on his first throw.

The Night Vision Googles didnt help "all hale the fins" infact they made the team worse, as they lost game 2.

After dropping game 2 "all hale the fins" regrouped, Hale found is rythm, posting a 215, Tucker came in and bowled his best game of the season, and with the help of Santa posting a high score we completely dominated game 3 winning by a lot.

This post sucks, the end.

JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns

As per JerSean LePaulsen:

JDD's shoulda been much more nervous going into this - going up against the other team's arguably best bowlers....
Game 1 was a bloodbath - BroMan and Maegamite were really on their games, they beat the shit out of Jerry and our second best bowler - right now, we don't have a second best bowler. Seriously, our second best player is anyone that can get over 120.....A 120!!!!! JerSean sat out game 1, since his scores are terrible this season, and we wanted to see what the new kid, Head Homo, could do. The Unknowns were quiet, letting their strikes and spares do the talking. But in a rare show of sportsmanship, there were high-fives being exchanged all night between teams due to only 2 Unknowns showing up.
Commish - you have the scores, we got our asses kicked. Think it was JerryCurl and Piranha versus Maeg and Broffy. Whatever.

Game 2 was much more competitive, but JDD's win. JerSean comes off the bench to start Game 2 with 4 scoring frames. JerryCurl is catching fire, which with the alley oil, coulda been a bigger deal. But strike, strike, spare, spare, spare, I mean...he got better with the lights off!!! A breakthrough moment for him. Scoring in the dark. The Unknowns have an off-game, Maeg's started slow but started picking up the spares. Broffy was rolling great, and it got close down to the 10th frame. JerSean and JerryCurl versus Maeg and Broffy. I think JerryCurl came up big and won it for us, before JerSean had to bowl his 10th frame.

Game 3 was up for grabs. The Wild West. Hundgen swooped in to save the day and joined his team of Unknowns, making it now 3 vs. 5.
I don't remember anything about this game other than: JerSean had 3+ vodka tonics; our team was doing decent; Hundgen was having an off-game, come on it was his first game of the night, but that gave the DD's a chance. Commish, check the scores, but I think that Broffy great, we had countered Maeg's score, it all came down to newcomer. Hudgen's presence gave our team a chance. That third bowler score that would now count, could beat Hundgen and maybe make up the difference that Broffy had over Jerry. But nobody stepped up on the JDD's. Head Homo bowled his game of the night, JerryCurl did well, but nobody else stepped up when it mattered most. In the entire last frame, Hollz and Piranha and JerSean had the chance to win. But nope. We lost by 2. 2 FUCKIN PINS.

FUCK THOSE TWO PINS

And Last, and certainly Least Entertaining Recap of the Night!:
Straight...and Hard vs. Three Hole Surprise:

As Per Poopy Pants Roberts:

The series was tied 1-1. In the 3rd game, Straight and Hard bowled the best game of their young season (and 3rd best overall) with a 698 in large part because of Christine’s career high game of 133. However, 3 Hole Surprise put their collective moose cock in our pee hole (not the vagina hole) with the 2nd best overall game this season with 731 to win the night and take their share of first place with a 6-3 record.
Sorry but Patrick and I are swamped and this is the 47th thing in our list of priorities, and I just crossed it off. My name is Brandon and I am incredibly lame. And have a small penis.


And that's all folks! I'll send out the stats tomorrow.

This email has been Holocaust-free.
-The Commish

EP 202

Quotes of the night:

"I don't even like bowling, and I'm thinking about buying a ball." Alex Katz, who has clearly caught the bowling fever

"It's my equalizer. It keeps things equal." Dan Reid re: his amazing shirt that reads audio levels

"I think Kevin Finn should be tested for his HDHG levels." - Brofman
"His THC levels???" Jesse, who mishears and is very worried

"Don't despair - pick up the spare!" Dawn to JerSean

"Did you order the fog machine?" Will to me. "I guess they're thinking if they want to keep us here, they gotta upgrade?"

"I'm going Jewish!" JerSean LePaul, when inquired about his t-shirt (JerSean's shirt has picture of a pig that says, "Don't eat me!")
"Sexy Anne Frank will like that." -Derek
"I'm not kosher, I'll eat that shit up!" - Sexy Anne Frank

"Where did you come from??" Kyle Swanson to Shyam after he bowls a 151 in game 2

"Is this the second week slump, like in BL? Cause I'm bowling like shit right now." - Maegamyte

"Sexy Anne Frank is bringing sexy back!" -Derek, when "Sexyback" comes on

"I'm doing so much better this week cause I had practice with actual balls this weekend!" Sexy Anne Frank re: man balls

Korpacz drops a glass, which shatters all over the floor. "Shit happens." (while kicking it under the ball racks)

"Brandon is the Hitler of this league." - Mike Hale

"Gobble Gobble!...almost." JerSean to Holly, who almost got a turkey

"DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E!" - All Hale Thee Finns, chanting

Korpacz leaps over chairs and the ball return to dramatically hug Brandon after a strike.
"Don't hurt your knee!" --Patrick Reina

"The bowling gods are testing us - who's got more resolve? I think we do." - Lappy, master of inspirational sports speeches


First off, I'd like to start with something I forgot to acknowledge last week - we have got some goddamn good nicknames this season. So far, my favorites are:
Big Boss Man, aka Alex Katz
GI Joe, aka Greg Cornejo
Hundjourno
MothaTucka
Reid My Lips (although I'm still planning on calling him Dan Motherf--ing Reid)
And my personal fave, Jerrycurl, for newcomer Jerry Meech

Speaking of newcomers, our latest recruits, farm league players Wes Ichishita and Shyam Balse (damn, they have hard names to spell), DOMINATED last night. Both came in strong with scores in the 150s, way up from their farm league averages (I think we thought Wes was like a 100???). Shyam fell off a bit in the last game, but Wes sweated his way through another 150, giving him a final average of a ballsy 149.5. The "Nightman" proves his stamina cometh in the evenings, just like his stringouts.

There were also some MAJOR shakeups in the individual rankings last night. Lappy came in and quickly took back his first place spot, bumping his broman Brofman to number two. He also banged Scott's wife. Dan Motherf--ing Reid proves he can play as good as he looks, taking the number three spot, as Mike "The Ringer" Hale continues his downward spiral to number 4. Maybe he should rethink the nickname. Another shocker that comes at us straight...and hard is Brandon Roberts now at a limp number 9, and fellow teammate Jesse Drollette is now a flaccid number 13. There clearly are some new cocks in the henhouse this season, with Wes"ley Sniper" Ichishita, Alex the PA, Jerrycurl Meech, and Kyle "Black Swan"son all beating them to the top. Brandon and Jesse are now bottoms, I guess?

You might notice that this recap is sadly lacking in JerSean LePaulsen'ness -- I apologize, but either JerSean was quieter than usual last night, or there was waaay too much Sexy Anne Frank between us, cause I got practically no quotes from him. Alex Katz did thank me profusely for the 4 lane buffer between himself and JerSean, however.

In terms of league scandals, the new Kingpin is actually Kerin Pinns, who bowled a questionable 208* in his first game, due to an error that gave him 4 strikes in a row. I completely blame those nameless bastards, the Unknowns, who didn't correct the mistake, but talked about it all night--I'm still kinda confused as to what really happened, something to do with him accidentally bowling for Maegamyte?? The repercussions are enormous - it affects his overall average and ranking, now at number 14 with a strong 132 average, not to mention it gave All Hale Thee Finns their first and only win of the season. All I can do is asterisk the hell out of this whole debacle, which will now be known as ********gate. (or Ass-teriskgate?)

Same story, different season - Brandon "Brutus/Hitler" Roberts has already begun his ethnic cleansing, shipping off the only female, Xtine Owen, on the train to Farm League-witz after a lackluster first game (88). Christine then took off her bowling shoes and asked to be traded, proceeding to turn her back on her team and watch the Lakers for the rest of the night (her manicure remained flawless). Not sure if things have been repaired in the light of day, but as of last night, Ms. Owen was ready to tell Straight...and Hard to shove something straight and hard up their assholes. Endquote.

Team Rankings! Thanks to Sexy Anne Frank's newly acquired ball-handling skills, 3-Hole Surprise sweeps the Designated Drivers 3 games to 0. Tonight We Strike! took the win, but only won 2 - Straight...and Hard cumshot them in the face by winning the last game and ruining a 3 game streak (and their makeup). The Unknowns, after the aforementioned ass-terisk game, won 2 to 1, making The Unknowns, Straight...and Hard, and 3 Hole Surprise all tied for first place (it's a three-way!). All Hale Thee Finns continues to struggle in last place, still waiting on their ringer to deliver the goods. (Hopefully not next week, cause that's when my team plays them.)

Next week, it's All Hale Thee Finns vs. Tonight We Strike!, JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns, and 3 Hole Surprise vs. Straight...and Hard. 5 on 5 action seemed to work, so we'll go with it for now. Oh! and this:

NEW RULE FOR NEXT WEEK: For teams with 6 players....no players may sit out two games. All players must play at least twice. How you choose to decide on that is up to team discretion. Hopefully, this will lead to less tears and poop in pants.

Stats attached.

Head Homo, where are you??????

-The Commish

EP 201

Quotes of the night:
Alex Katz to JerSean: "I thought you were good?"
JerSean: "At drinking!!"

"I don't come here to bowl. I come here to drink and get on the quote board. The bowling and the trophy were just icing on the cake." -JerSean

"No one takes this more seriously than those tards...so I'd love to beat 'em." --Mike Hale re: Straight...and Hard

"I've almost completed an entire game of bowling and I haven't chipped a nail!" -Christine (spoiler alert: the manicure lasts all night)

"What happened to your 200, bitch??" -Korpacz to Mike Hale

JerSean yelling incoherently at Alex Katz: "Don't be a newcomer and try to change the league!! Ohh, it's my first night, ohh!!"
Katz: "I stopped listening to him hours ago."
JerSean: "You were listening???"

"You are now one of his designated drivers!! You have to drive him home!!" - Korpacz to Al Rincones

"Don't talk like that about our farm league!! You have no idea!! All that's happening over there is the same old story - JerSean screaming, blah blah blah. Over in the farm league there's all kinds of new stories! We've never had a Wes before, we've never had a Goo before - whatever a Goo is!" - Christine on a rant (the farm league became the new Fitness Ridge to her)

"The louder we scream, the better we bowl." --Hollie re: the Designated Drivers

"JerSean's delivery is like a turtle spinning out a gallstone." - Rodney

"FALL, YOU WOBBLY BASTARD!!!!" - JerSean, screaming

"They're going down faster than a surfer in bed." - JerSean

Christine accidentally drinks out of Jesse's cup: "Do you have herpes?"
Jesse: "I only have anal herpes."
Christine: "Well, did you drink out of your ass??"

Alex Katz gets a spare as he walks away, not looking back. "Boom."

"He's not an alternate - he's an AL-ternate." Patrick Reina re: Al

"Just so everybody knows - when the lights were on, I bowled three strikes in a row." -Camilla, bragging


Opening night. 6 teams. 5 alternates. Numerous new balls. Lots of yelling. Biggest Loser Bowling is back like the clap!!

It all began with the presentation of the Dorado Cup, full to the brim with the classiest of beers (Miller High Life), presented by two blondes, and some lackluster clapping from the crowd (wow, we're kinda white trash, aren't we?) Sadly, Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid was not in attendance, but don't worry, JerSean poured one out for you over Korpacz's head.

Two teams clearly took the lead as the ones to beat - Brandon "Secretary of Fairness" (the quotes are on purpose) Roberts' extremely hetero team, Straight...and Hard, and quite unexpectedly....The Unknowns. Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night is that there's a new Kingpin in town...and it's not Mike Hale. It is none other than the guy who almost didn't come back this season -- SCOTT "BROMAN" BROFMAN.

We have no one else to thank but his wife, who managed to change Scott "The Mule"'s stubborn, stubborn mind by telling him in no uncertain terms - "get the f-- out of this house on Monday nights and bowl." His baby son then gave him the finger. And it truly will make things interesting this season, especially when former teammate/blood rival Michael "Lappy" LaPlante comes back in town next Monday. Was Scott holding back last year? Was the whole "I'm not bowling" thing a ruse? Was Mike Hale a red herring???

Speaking of Mike "The Ringer" Hale - in spite of rigorous juicing over the break, he's proven to have an Achilles heel - he does not play well under pressure. (Well, to be fair, for him, "not playing well" means he bowled a 159, so...yeah). Also, he is a poor, poor sport. He HATES losing. A small Eeyore-like cloud formed over his head during the first game, and rained angry clouds all night. He would have fit in very well with Tartar and the Tards last year, actually. His team got reamed this first night. Straight...and Hard. If Straight...and Hard manages to keep it up all season, they could easily plow through the rest of the league. They could potentially cream us all. This is just the tip of the amount of dick jokes I'm gonna be using with this team. (get it? ahh....)

As for the Unknowns, by Alex Katz actually showing up (!!) and Brofman getting his balls handed to him by his wife, they had a ridiculously stacked team. Maegamyte was in full force this season, coming out strong with a 133 average - I foresee an All-Star game in her future. She also got her first turkey in Biggest Loser bowling in the coveted last frame spot. They easily got a victory over former champion De-Recking Kind's 3 Hole Surprise. Not sure what the surprise was - is it that Derek's not gonna win this year? Ohhh, snap! I can't even imagine what's gonna happen when Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid comes back. S-E-X-Y! The only weak link in the chain is sadly, Camilla. Poor Chumsys. Much like the WB frog who only sings when no one's around, Chumsys can only perform when it doesn't count. Her amazing 114 in the farm league, translated to a measy 64 in the big leagues. It's ok, Camilla, even the pros choke when they make it to the majors. You'll get 'em next time!

To wrap things up - The Unknowns and Straight...and Hard are currently 3-0, leading the league. Straight...and Hard currently hold highest team score for the night (1575). Patrick "Bringin' the" Reina brought us this season's first turkey! "Broman" holds all three records - highest overall average (166.333333), highest single game score (186), highest overall score (499). Maegamyte easily takes the Queenpin crown. Head Homo is up for grabs (Christopher?? We miss you!!!). But things change fast in this league....and some things are changing next week....

In lieu of the amount of interest and dedication in our farm league, ALL FARM LEAGUE PLAYERS HAVE JUST BEEN BUMPED TO THE MAJORS. This is unprecedented in Biggest Loser Bowling history, but there will now be 6 players per team. That means we will now bowl teams of 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4. I must stress, though - this means we have to start playing at 8pm sharp, or we will not be able to bowl a full 3 games. This arrangement is on a trial basis for next week - we'll see what madness ensues, but goddamit, get there on time! I want you all drinking in the bar no later than 7:45pm and that's an order!!

Ok! Next week, it's:
All Hale Thee Finns vs. The Unknowns
JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. 3 Hole Surprise
Tonight We Strike! vs. Straight...and Hard.

Farm league assignments are as follows:
1. Al Rincones - JerSean's Designated Drivers
2. Matt Gallagher - All Hale Thee Finns
3. John Berardi - 3 Hole Surprise
4. Shyam Balse - Tonight We Strike!
5. Wes Ichishita - Straight...and Hard

Full stats attached.

That's how you write a story summary, Al. Snap!
-The Commish

EP 108

Quotes of the night:
"I'm not here to make headlines. I'm here to win." - JerSean LePaulsen

"Who the hell are all these people?" - Me, noticing an unprecedented amount of people in the bowling alley
"It's the championship, Commish, what'd you expect?" - JerSean LePaulsen

"We'll be here every Monday til we die!!" - Lil' Patrick

"Blow it up, Motherfucker!!" - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid (yelled in my face after a strike)

"Is it turkey time?? I'm gonna get a turkey right now, bitch!!" Maegan giving it to Dan Reid

After losing game 1: "The drinks have been wearing off." - JerSean LePaulsen

"Oh my god, D-Wrecking Ball is en fuego right now!!" -Brandon after Derek goes on to bowl 6 f--ing strikes in a row
"He just double-penetrated a turkey!!" - Christopher
"I think Derek is really hitting his stride." - Rodney
"Last time I checked, I didn't come here to suck Derek's dick, I came to win." - Lappy
("I came here to suck Derek's dick - that's why I come to work in the morning." - Christopher "Horny Orne")

"My high score's in jeopardy. That's all I have." - Will (very very sadly and quietly)

"FUCK!!! LET'S DO THIS!!" - Brofman after a spare

"You're outta here!! You're 86-ed!!!!" JerSean LePaul to Christopher after he tried to break up a fight between the champions

Waitress: "Last call."
JerSean: "Another vodka tonic!!"
Waitress: "Um, didn't you just order one?"
JerSean: "It's last call!!!"

Brandon: "Paulsen!! Did you just order a vodka tonic with a full one in your hand?
Paulsen (indignant): "They were closing the bar!!!"

"Average wait time for JerSean LePaulsen to throw the ball, 2-3 minutes. Seeing him pick up a spare -- priceless." - Christopher "Quotes a lot" Orne

"YOU RIDE THIS FUCKING WAVE!!! SPARE ME!!! SPARE ME, BABY!!!" - JerSean LePaul, screaming at teammate from 2 inches away
"He's right there." Christopher
"WHO'S THERE????" - JerSean

Brandon: "There is a God."
Christopher: "And his name is El Dorado Bowling Lanes."

Brandon: "This is the greatest sporting event of my life!!!
Christopher: "This is the greatest moment of my life!!"

In the parking lot after winning: "LOCAL BARS ARE GONNA GET FUCKED!!!" - JerSean (who else?)

"It's just bowling, right?" - Patrick


Sigh. I don't even want to write this today. They won. We lost. It really sucks. 8 Balls and a Split, champions of BL Bowling. Woo-hoo.

On the bright side, from an unbiased, non-losing team standpoint, this was easily the most amazing night of bowling in the history of the league - possibly in the history of the world (?). First off, definitely not a blow-out--this championship was really for the fans. After a ridiculously high-scoring first game from the Tards (Maegamyte and Bringin' the Reina especially), 8 Balls and a Split answered with an even more ridiculous game 2. Ratings began steadily climbing after De-Record-breaking Kind started the strike train in frame 2....and just kept going. Derek Kinda-the-best-player-ever, who has been quietly biding his time (and steadily losing $20 a week to Lappy), showed his NCAA roots last night. He is a true pressure player - and definitely MVP of the playoffs. Poor Will's record wasn't just broken, his heart (and spirit) were as well. Derek shattered not just Will's record, but multiple others as well - highest single game total, formerly 194, now a freaking 221!!!! 6 strikes in a row!!! Team highest game total of 611!!! I mean, where did he come from? (Wisconsin?) He also easily slides into the #2 bowler slot, lapping at Lappy's heels -- Lappy, who sadly proved (and it hurts to say it), that while he is still the Kingpin, he is not very kingly under pressure - losing his long-standing bet for the first time this season, when it mattered the most. Last night definitely proved that the season means nothing - all that matters is the playoffs.

Speaking of betting, Brandon "Hollywood Park" Roberts made an unprecedented number of gambles last night - he took on the entire stable of Hookers by making side bets with each of them (just to make that 3rd place game interesting). Somehow he came out even - lost two, won two. He came out on top and on bottom - I guess all that matters is that he came (that's what he said).

Special attention needs to be paid to, of course, JerSean LePaulsen, our very own bad boy of the league, quote-maker, championship-taker. His has definitely been the story of the season - his Rodman-like antics, amusing to some, angering to others (people in the parking lot, Brofman & Lappy), managed to take his team all the way. In a team of pressure players (4 #2's, one might say), he held his own, in spite of dizzying amounts of alcohol and incoherent ranting. He doesn't play by the rules - he stepped over the line for a foul, then went on to keep his strike. He kept an unlit cigarette in his mouth all night long (and the Commish secretly dreaded when he might light it). He screamed profanities at Kingpin Lappy (while he was bowling!!) and refused to shake his hand after the game, quickly making an enemy for life (Lappy does not forget). He hasn't worn bowling shoes for the past few weeks, and blatantly didn't even pay for the game last night! (he admitted it at the very end, and eventually paid his dues after a guilt trip from the Commish - hey, it goes towards his own trophy, right?). He was bowling for souls last night, for Christ's sake! (see attached picture).

But perhaps the best moment of the night, and the one to leave you with, was JerSean LePaulsen exiting the bowling alley, champion-style with a full drink in hand (first he waited for the cops to go by), stumbling and screaming towards Kevin Finn's car, reeking of vomit, telling the local bars to watch out, cause they're gonna get fucked -- that's the JerSean LePaul we know and love. Can't wait for next season.

All-Star game next week!! Everyone must come (there will be a non-all-star game, aka a Losers game, being played simultaneously- Maegamyte, you are officially Queen of the Losers - see attached stats). Also, the winning team's trophy cup will be presented to them (and filled with copious amounts of cheap beer). See you next Monday! (Feel free to bring any new recruits - Mike "Supposedly Bowls 200s" Hale will be there, he needs someone to play with).

Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives. Possibly for the worse.

-The Commish

EP 107

Quote of the night:
Brandon: "Dan Reid can't handle the burden of being your number one!"
JerSean LePaul: "We got 4 number two's, bro, deal with that!! (throws a pen dramatically on the floor and exits)
*note, this was at 6:31pm, prior to even going to bowling alley.

Brandon (re: Christopher): "Can I cut him outright? He's like a cancer on my team. He's cheering for Maegan!"
Christopher: "I'm like AIDS!" (dead silence from all team members)

Patrick: "I need a good jerking."
Christopher: "I only do a specific muscle group. Penis majoris."

Patrick to Christopher: "Are you sweating under your boobs?"
Christopher: "Yes."

"If someone gets a 300, we will collectively put our mouths on their penis." - Camilla "Chumsys/Corky"

"I will forgo all quotes tomorrow for a victory tonight. That's how much playoffs mean to Jersean LePaulsen!" -JerSean LePaulsen

After Korpacz heckled him about taking so long to bowl: "I'm not gonna pull a you on Saturday night and "go quickah"."
--JerSean LePaulsen

Korpacz: "JerSean can go fuck a pussy!!"
Waitress: "That was weird."
*She was trying to hand him his bill at the time.

Whew. Playoffs was a LOT of pressure. Maybe too much for some. I promised I wouldn't do this, but I think we all know the biggest letdown of the season was the Hookers' star ho, Jesse "Might Need Rehab" Drollette. Formerly the number two player in the league (and clearly "Head Hooker" amongst his team), it all came crashing down last night, culminating in a devasting last frame 83 and a major upset for the finals. After a spiral of drugs, alcohol, and weed lollies, the Hooker's main escort collapsed under the pressure of the playoffs. Through his glassy red eyes, I could see a cry for help. Perhaps in the off season, he can check into the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge Malibu Rehab Center and come back strong, but for now, his team must settle for third, or possibly fourth place. It's always sad to see a hero go down. (Darryl! Why?)

Honestly, though, all the Commish cares about is her Tards!! And Tartar and the Retards, in spite of one of their best players being absent games 1 & 2 (but not in heart), crushed the Beauties like butterflies beneath their combat boots, all thanks to Maegamite! Maegamite! who now firmly holds the highest female average (and beat half the guys with a 141 average last night).

Best moment of the night (and sexiest) was clearly when Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid burst out of his shirt, Superman-style, to reveal a light-up "SEXY" shirt underneath. The ladies and men alike swooned. His powerful sex appeal shrank the mojo of the opposing Hookers (as many women learned on Halloween, there is a fine line between sexy and slutty - the Hookers are more on the slutty spectrum), and the Hookers went down, as Hookers are wont to do. These ones didn't get paid for it though.

And now, for the full recap!

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: After numerous mind games all day long, Brandon "Crissangel Mindfreak" Roberts thought he had Tartar and the Tards right where he wanted them. While professing the peace and love message that had worked so well last week, he was subtly David Blain-ing seeds of doubt into the Commish's already anxious mind. But then, channeling inspirational Elizabeth Ruiz from last season, Tartar realized that even though they'd already been hitting it all season, she and her team really needed to hit their stride....tonight. And as we all learned from Liz, the best way to hit your stride is to say it as much as possible. Tartar also stole the poster from the story room for extra insurance.

The Beauties had their own issues. Dissension quickly rose in the ranks, as their perfect attendance bit them in the butt. Christopher "Head Homo" Orne threw a hissy fit when he learned his team had decided to sit him out the first game. "I brought the Dragonball!! I went to rehab for juicing!!" But to no avail. Finally, he resorted to the league's first ever "Juicing During Playoffs." He spit in his team's face by juicing a 124, which could have saved his team - if only it had counted. For the rest of the games, he alternated between heckling his own teammates and berating Brandon for abusing his dog. Oh, Beauties. If only you'd played "Head Homo" during game 1, perhaps you could have peacefully communed yourself a spot in the finals. Sucks for you. (that's what she said)

3-0 for the Tards!! Championships, bitches!! The Tards can taste the beer from the golden trophy even now.....

Meanwhile.....

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: What the f-- happened to the Hookers? They have had a rough couple of nights. First, Pilgrim Greg Berg and Norm aka Rodney, two top gigolos, hit a mid-season slump. Then, Jesse "Darryl Strawberry" Drollette battled the demons of alcoholism and a bad case of juicing which messed up his game. Then the travesty of last night. Granted, they did win one game. But this was the undefeated number one seed! Was it the shots? The pressure? Maybe pimpin' really isn't that easy? Or was it.....

Dan Motherf--ing Reid.

I mean, what can you do against a team that has Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid? He has his own theme song! He had on a light-up "SEXY" shirt, for Christ's sake! Not to mention, this same team has JerSean LePaulsen, who didn't allow his ongoing feud with Korpacz (or his double shot vodka tonics) disrupt him from bowling a 127 average last night. It was as though Paulsen took all his rage and volume and craziness and channeled it back into his team.
(side note: very funny moment when an inebriated LePaulsen accidentally drops his ball and it rolls back into the seats. Then he does it again, on purpose)

So it's over. The night that determined everything for the season. It's 8 Balls and a Split vs. Tartar and the Tards for the Championship finals, and it's gonna be a helluva fight. God save the Tards if Dan Reid brings his SEXY shirt again. Or what if he has something EVEN SEXIER planned?? Is it possible???

MOTHERFUCKING FINALS NEXT WEEK!!!!

Be there. Or else.

Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives.

-The Commish

EP 106

Quote of the night:
Butch waitress about Kerin Finn: "I think he needs a bigger ball. He's stronger than that."
JerSean LePaulsen: "Korpacz won't fight. He went to some school with sisters of mercy and shit -- Oh Korpacz, did you hurt your knee again? That's what I thought!"
JerSean to Korpacz: "You don't edit with your knee!!"
JerSean: "Korpacz? Who's Korpacz? Who's this guy who can't sniff my bowling jock strap?"
JerSean: "Did you see that, bro? That's what a knee's supposed to do, you sonofabitch!!"
JerSean: "Let it be known that Korpacz is the new head homo of the night!"
Korpacz (when asked to respond to Jersean's various accusations): "Fuck that pussy." End quote.


So....I guess you can figure out from above that JerSean LePaulsen was up to his usual antics last night. As he said himself, "There's always one asshole, and that's me." And to think I was worried that I wouldn't have enough quotes from last night?

Korpacz, aka Jay Z, came out of retirement last night. Again. Sigh. You know, if you keep putting out albums, ahem, "bowling" after you've "given up the game for good", twice, we kinda stop believing you. Perhaps this was the reason behind JerSean LePaulsen's shameless onslaught of Michael "Jordan" Korpacz. I'm sure there was another side to the disses, but I couldn't hear them - JerSean's volume was turned up to 11. For once, though, JerSean actually walked the walk - he had a respectable 126 average to Korpacz's.....99. Autumn, you left too early!

In spite of lots of nervous Nellies worried about "what if there's a tie?? what will we doooooo??"...there was no need for concern. Tartar and the Retards held on to their number one spot, pulled down their pants, and then waved their junk in the Hookers faces. Hookers lost two of their games, Tartar and the Tards won two, and all was right with the playoffs.

For the more detailed recap, read on!

Tartar and the Retards vs. the Bowled and the Beautiful: Well, you can't say they lack for effort. The Beauties have proven again and again they are by far the most resourceful team this season. They have gone above and beyond in their attempts to win - from drug use, to barely legal juicing, to magic (DRAGONBALL), to Camilla's tight and distracting stretch pants - all to no avail. And so, like any lost and desperate Hollywood starlet, they turned to....Buddhism. That's right, fresh off a meditation session, and calm as a lake in July, they came to the game not angry, but benevolent. They had nothing but love and New-Age-y sayings, such as, "We have nothing to lose, and therefore, everything to gain," and "Let's play for the love of the game. It's all about love." And honestly, Brandon formerly "Brutus" now "Moonflower" Roberts, should've put on his Kabbalah bracelet weeks ago, cause he had the best game of his life. And, to quote him directly, "I rarely toot my own horn (lie), but I have the highest 3 game total of all time." I checked. It's true. Buddha shined on Roberts last night. Namaste.

Alas, the Beauties were not able to overcome the Tards except in game 2 (and almost in game 1, due to Camilla's kinda unfair foul call by the gods of bowling, aka the machine that miraculously runs the game - who knew there were fouls in bowling?). The Tards beat them fair and square in the final game, sealing their victory (and um....we're playing each other next week).

Let them eat cake! There's a new QueenPin in town! Autumn "Bringing the Fall" DeVitry, former reining QueenPin with last week's 159, left early, perhaps to go pitch in the World Series, or some other sport that she's "just okay" at. And while she was away, her crown was taken from her by early season favorite, "Maeagamite" McDonough! And by 1 pin! Bowling like we pay her for it (that contract is high!), she finally delivered with a crazy-amazing 160. Also, she probably has the cutest form of anyone. Just saying.

Onto the next game....

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: Jesse "Red Lobster" Drollette, rolled in off set with a massive sunburn and a crazed look in his eyes. If his team, those randy old Hookers, could sweep 8 Balls, then they would have the number one slot back in hand. (Take that slot in hand!) But no one counted on the 8 Balls secret weapon - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid. It was possibly a mistake that he came last week, but when Reid came back for more this week, the Hookers began to run to their Daddies. Cause Dan Reid bowls like an executive watches a rough cut - fast, not paying much attention, and with little regard to rhyme or reason. He has slowly (and suavely) become the 5th highest average in the league - and this is only his second week, so Brofman, Jesse, and maybe even Lappy needs to watch out. Averaging a 144 this week!! 4 strikes in a row!! If he hadn't gotten drunk on Chablis the last game, it probably would've been even higher. Definitely in the Commish's picks as one to watch.

On the love front, recently sex-changed Kerin Finn was being admired from afar by our lovely ladyman waitress, Randy* *not actual name. He/She admired Kerin's strong but subtle stroke, but warned that, "His ball is too light. He needs a bigger ball for that strength." The guy/girl might've been right, cause if you take a look at attached picture, Kerin literally busted out of his shirt last night, Incredible Hulk-style. Perhaps the hipster's threads were a little too well-worn, but I prefer to believe that once his/her strength was admired by future love interest Randy, those tiny biceps could not contain themselves. Is there anything more romantic than two ambiguously sexed people finding one another? (don't answer that)

Ok, starting to ramble. A couple of things I missed -- Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" Dhaka bowling a 132!!! Brandon "Moonflower" Roberts bowling best game ever, including 4 strikes in a row!! Dawn "Of a New Era" now "Red Dawn" due to her lethality to Communists and dog haters!!

I'm spent. Next week, get ready for some deja-vu as Tartar and the Retards play the Bowled and the Beautiful. And The Hookers play 8 Balls and a Split. Again. Hey Korpacz, maybe you should come out of retirement again?

Ok, one last JerSean LePaulsen quote: "8 Balls and a Split getting ready for the playoffs!! Deal with that, bitches!!"

PLAYOFFS!!!

-The Commish

EP 105

Quote of the night:
-Jesse (yelling at his team): "DISSENSION!!! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Good shot."
-JerSean LePaulsen (to Jesse): "Stop yelling! You're stealing my thunder!"
-"Head Homo" Christopher Orne (about opponent JerSean Le P): "Commish, can I get a ruling? He's speaking Nazi." JerSean: "Ich bin ein Berliner!!"


Well, apologies to the league, this recap is extremely late, and as we all learned from Lappy's experience last week, work is no excuse. I also apologize in the advance - the Commish got a little bit tipsier than usual last night, so a lot of this recap is based on random texts to myself while drunk (I'm still not sure what this one means: "I'm not that psychedelic - that's just what I said to my doctor!" -- perhaps something to do with JerSean's multi-colored inserts?? More on that later).

First of all, HUGE upset last night. And so close to playoffs! Tartar and the Tards basically f--ed The Hookers. Hard. And then "forgot" to leave money on the nightstand. This means, innuendo aside, that the Tards have taken over the first place spot, and with one week before playoffs, one might say we are on our way. Of course the Tards, angry that we are, feel that due to Guttergate, we should have already DONE BEEN in first place, but seeing as Guttergate went the other way last night, (cough cough, Lappy, gutterball bounce, cough cough) we are willing to let bygones be bygones.

Other highlights - the whole "One Pin Finn" travesty - juicing gone wrong - illegal psychedelic gel inserts - and perhaps most importantly, THE HIGHEST FEMALE SCORE EVER. All and more - read on!

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers: As aforementioned above, the Hookers got f--ed, but not the way they like it. Team captain Jesse "So High" Drollette decided last night was the night to experiment with the effects of drugs and alcohol on bowling. Um...the results are not so great. While "science" had not weighed in by press time, eye witnesses on the scene noted that whatever combination Jesse used provoked paranoia (see quote at top), an inability to control the volume of his voice, and sadly, kinda shitty bowling. In fact, by the end of game 3, he was taken down by none other than the Commish (whose average is a paltry 102 overall) - a bet of $5 was on the last game - who would beat who? Story editor vs. story producer! Slightly drunk vs. staggering and high!! Yeah, final score was 104 to 90. The Commish took it. Boo-yah. I'm rich, beeyoches! ($5 is higher than my salary for a week)

More importantly: Could Autumn be the Lappy for the girl's side?? While her team drowned their sorrows in shots, Autumn stayed focused -- and almost singlehandedly drove the team to victory. After bowling the first female turkey, she then went on to bowl a freaking 159. 159!!!! Most of the guys can't even bowl that!!! While her roll is unconventional, it is deadly effective. Seriously, Korpacz should consider staying injured, cause Autumn is carrying the weight of the team on her shoulders (she had the highest single game of anyone on her team that night). In spite of her protests, this is not a one-trick pony - this is BL Bowling herstory in the happening.

Onto the next team....

8 Balls and a Split vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Once again, there was some shady business afoot, as always with the Bowled and the Beautiful. "Brutus" Roberts somehow convinced Beauties Dawn "Of a New Era" and Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" that they were "busy" and "could not come". And THEN, he proceeded (along with Big Willie Style teammate) to try to bring in a straight up ringer, NOT previously approved by the Commish, someone who bowls a 300!!!! someone whose dad is a professional bowler!!!, as a replacement for said teammates (note: these ladies, though beauties, are not....bowling that type of score). The Commish put a kibosh on that right quick, teaching the lesson that while juicing is condoned, ringers are not. (especially when they're not on her team)
That said, the self-professed "biggest juicers in the game" learned the hard way that there are ill-effects to trying to 'roid your way to the top. Admittedly, this week was the highest in experimentation with juicing as a league - the infamous dark league juice between story teams 2 & 3- Lappy bowled the best game of his life, and Jesse, the worst. Greg Berg even juiced with his kids!!! Unforgivable!! Anyway, if anything, last night proved that juicing only works in moderation, and if done close to game time. "Head Homo" Orne holds that title in nickname only - he admitted that he juiced last Tuesday, but the effects had worn off by Monday, and he played worse than if he'd never juiced at all. They lost the first two games, but then in the third, Mr./Mrs. Kerin Finn cost 8 Balls and a Split a well-deserved sweep by losing the game -- by only one pin. All he needed was 10 pins!! 10 pins to win!!! Alas, "One Pin Finn" is born.

Special note to the fact that Dan "Mother-fing" Reid showed up. The betting pool is over, he did actually show this season -- and what a showing! Smelling like a million bucks, Dan Reid showed up, bowled the shit out of those pins, including a first-timer TURKEY!! (our Thanksgiving table is overloaded at this point), and even managed to booty dance with Maegan "Maegamite" McDonough on the side. What a smooth mother-f-er.

So.....what did I miss? I'm not really clear on the whole psychedelic gel inserts incident - at that point in the night, things had gotten foggy, and all I have are some pics (attached) of Christopher looking angry and JerSean LeP looking crazy. I guess that's how he always looks? Also, no idea what the whole speaking in German thing was about - the only explanation I have is that our lovely French bartender (Martine? who cares, that's her name now) kept him full-up on the double shot drinks, leaving a sloppy and un-politically correct JerSean in her wake.

Next week is week 6 - last game before playoffs!!! No pressure, but it's gonna be epic, especially for the first place slot. I'm working on a different computer at home, so not sure how I'll send the most up-to-date stats - maybe tomorrow? See you in a week!

-Tartar, the Commish

EP 104

Quote of the night:
--Greg Berg: "Brett Favre just threw his 500th touchdown pass." --Camilla: "I saw his weiner today!"
--"What? I'm not gonna give you head" - JerSean LePaulsen to Korpacz after Korpacz made a motion that he wanted a cigarette
--"Where the f-- is Lappy??" - Ambert, the counter girl

And to think.....Brandon "Brutus" Roberts wanted to cancel.

Around 5pm last night, the league was at a low point. Three out of four teams were going to have to play with only two members. Excuses abounded, from moms, to marathons, to birthday parties for "close friends". Things looked grim, and even though his team had perfect attendance as usual, Benedict Arnold Roberts nearly had the Commish rethinking the game that night. But then at 6:04, JerSean LePaulsen brought us back to what's really important by powering up after a loooooong marathon shoot and coming out for glory. Korpacz was quickly bribed to come off the DL list by some shots of Patron. And newcomer (possible permanent sub) Audrey "Deadly Red" Wood agreed to fill in for the very much abandoned Tartar and the Retards.

And then history was made.

But first - a side note. The much-watched, high profile player Michael "Lappy" Laplante chose sleep over his team -- chose his own personal health over the health of his team's record.....and it would cost him. While the Kingpin slept, his crown was taken from him -- and his record - beaten. It was history in the making, as "Big Willie Style" Simpson started out game two with 5 strikes in a row. That's right, the exact same amount that Lappy had last week. But the final score? A walloping 194, which bested Lappy by 4 pins and gave Will the highest score of the season.

And it couldn't have come at a more crucial time. See below for the full game summaries.....

The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. The Hookers: It seemed like an easy win for the Hookers -- number one in the league, only one loss so far this season. And they were playing the Bowled and the Beautiful, who, let's face it, had thus far shown that they were far better at cheering their team to a loss than a victory.

But they had some tricks up their sleeve. While the Beauties trail the league in wins, they apparently have been leading the league in juicing. Especially "Head Homo" Orne, who has been stacking it on the weekends, on weeknights, possibly even during lunch hours (Jesse and Tartar recently caught a sweaty Orne walking into the caf midday, clearly just coming off a bender at the alleys). Not to mention......DRAGONBALL. (wish I had a sound effect for that one -- please see attached picture). Unlike the failed LL Cool J movie, this Dragonball had fire. Armed with the secret weapon that united the team unlike Sandwiches or Weezy ever could, the team propelled themselves to victory.

"Big Willie" Simpson clearly was a huge factor, with his five strikes and his ridiculous (Lappy-beating) score of 194. Camilla - formerly Chumsys - dropped the cutesy nickname and picked one that was either named after a mentally retarded '80s tv icon, or after Brett Favre's aforementioned "cork" (new nickname: Corkie). "Head Homo" Orne can't be discounted, though - he went above and beyond for his team, and while he hasn't been forthright about where and when he got ahold of this mysterious DRAGONBALL (sound effect) -- I'll just leave it up to your imagination. Christopher knows where the balls are at. End of story.

The saddest news of the night, however, is the death of Korpacz (as a player, that is). The Patron did not soothe the pain of his bum knee, and after a killah first game, he is now crippled, possibly for life, doomed to hobble about the 3 Ball offices and mumble incoherently about the Flyahs. Korpacz, we will pour one out for you next week. R.I.P, homie -- we'll see you at the crossroads.

Tartar and the Retards vs. 8 Balls and a Split: I looked in Scott's eyes last night, and I could feel it - we were doomed to lose. After a triple abandonment due to sad, lackluster excuses, the pressure was on for Scott and Tartar, the only Tards who were dedicated enough to come out last night. And like the captain of the Titanic, they were forced to go down with the ship. After a tense 40 minute delay of game by Hollie "Slow as Molasses" Self ("I was working!" she claims. As previously mentioned, this is not an excuse that holds water), the game got off to a slow start, with both teams playing subpar. Especially disappointing was De-"Not Wrecking Much of Anything" Kind, who, in spite of Lappy's absence, did not take advantage of the Kingpin slot. In fact, it may have been the absence of his nemesis (and the lack of money on the line) which was the cause of his blah final average of 118. A cloud of gloom hung over the game -- people got strikes and their own teams didn't notice, Hols to the Wall discovered that she may need to drink less in order to play better (nooooooo!!) - even JerSean LePaulsen, though solidly on his game, merely got plastered in a quiet and brooding manner (save the exception of the Korpacz quote above). The Commish was even interrupted halfway through the game and accused of a team member not paying! Yes, 8 Balls won, by a measly 5 pins in the end, but there wasn't much of a celebration.
The only exciting thing to come out of the night was that the number two and number three seeds have gotten that much closer - Tartar and the Tards barely scrape by at second place with 7 wins, 5 losses to 8 Balls 5 wins, 7 losses. It's pretty tight. *that's what he said.

But let's go back to happier thoughts. MAJOR upset with the Bowled and the Beautiful taking down the Hookers. Will they somehow juice their way to the top? Stay tuned for next week, with the Beauties taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the rival match of Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers (that's right, we haven't forgotten "Guttergate").

Lappy, please come back. Please.

--The Commish

EP 103

Quote of the night: Camilla: "Why is this ball wet?" Christopher: "Oh, I pee on other people's balls."

Week 3 brought out the highest attendance to date - a monstrous 18 bowlers, perhaps in order to see some repeat antics of JerSean LePaulsen? - but the crowd would be disappointed. He restrained himself to single shot drinks instead of doubles - and it paid off in giving him the Most Improved Bowler award - his average jumped from a measly 77 to an impressive 123. Supposedly, the lesson learned is that one plays better sober??? But that can't be right....

Week 3 also brought us some of the most impressive stats to date. Pilgrim Greg Berg, who gave us our first turkey of the season last week, one-upped himself by delivering an incredible two more turkeys this week. And then he killed an Indian for good measure. You'd think that'd be enough to win him most impressive feat of the evening, but then MVP Lappy had to go and get five freaking strikes in a row. I'm not sure anyone will be able to unseat this Kingpin -- and Derek "Wrecking His Wallet" Kind is currently 60 bucks in the hole.

That said, here are the results:

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Man, those Beauties cannot catch a break. In spite of an extremely upbeat and positive outlook, the Beauts were bowled over by the Tards 3 games to zip. The Tards, fueled by anger (and possibly 'roids), were the thundercloud to the Beauties' sunshine, and in spite of an amazing performance by Camilla "Chumsys" Dahnak (see how cute their nicknames are?), it was basically like watching the Care Bears take on a pack of wild grizzly bears. They didn't stand a chance. The Beauties remain adorable, but in dead last place, having won only one game so far. Perhaps they can still win the Best Attendance Award?

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: At first, it seemed like a classic underdog story - the scrappy 8 Balls managed to topple the mighty Goliath first place Hookers in the first game, giving the unbeatable Hookers their first loss of the season. De-Wrecking Ball Kind lived up to his team name by taking on a 7-6 split, and doing the thing that everybody tries to do, but never works - ricocheting one pin into another for the spare. And of course, let's not forget JerSean LePaul, who laid off the sauce and started to bowl like he'd promised. Even recently sex-changed Kerin Finn had gotten his(her) patented "creep" move down and was bowling in the solid 120s. But alas, the Hookers came back in the second and third due to Plymouth Rock founder Greg Berg and his turkeys. They remain solidly in first at 8-1, but their perfect record was broken (the Tards are very happy about this, since they're in second place).

Biggest Balls of Them All Award: Clearly Lappy. 5 motherf-ing strikes!! In a row!! Maybe we should just name the award the Lappy award instead? Thank god he's on my team.

Benedict Arnold Award: Brandon "Co-Commish" Roberts, for twice trying to trade himself onto a new team. A little team loyalty would be nice, Brandon - or should I call you Brutus? Oh, and p.s., Lappy makes a strong case for himself as the Co-Commish, seeing as he was making things happen last night both on and off the alley, so there may be another coup in store. Brandon may find himself Secretary of Transportation by the end of the season.

Most Promising Female: Last night, it was definitely Camilla, who was all strikes, spares, and smiles, playing the self-reported "best game of her life" (just don't look at her last game). Note: this is not a spelling error, it is most promising female, not most promiscuous, just in case anyone was confused. Or excited.

Next week, we go back to the beginning of the rotation, with Tartar and the Retards taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the Bowled and the Beautiful taking on the Hookers (yikes - slaughter alert). Detailed results attached.

Oh, and by the way, no more 5 people games. 4 Maximum. I don't care if your teammates are all there, and they look at you with tears in their eyes - someone must sit out a game. Otherwise, we run the risk of not finishing, like we did last night. The Commish has given her verdict. No appeals.

Ok, see you all next week, 8pm sharp!

-Tartar "The Commish" Canny

EP 102

Quote of the night: "Why are the f--ing lights out?? What am I, a f--ing 15-year-old dropping acid?? (more expletives)" - Sean Paulsen (VERY LOUDLY)
Also, "Man, I can't find my bowling shoes!" -Sean Paulsen, immediately after turning them in

Only two weeks in, and already the league is awash in controversy. Allegations of juicing (aka practicing on the weekends), drug abuse, blatant hustling, and the infamous "One Pin" debacle have rocked the bowling league, and left many bowlers with a bad taste in their mouth (especially those who actually ate the food at the bowling alley). Plus, everyone's names were mispelled (sometimes hilariously--thanks to our lovely counter girl, Ambert). It was a travesty. More highlights below, but first of all, the results:

Team 1 vs. Team 2 (aka Tartar and the Retards vs. Jesse's Girls, renamed the Hookers--cause they prefer to get paid for it, I guess?): It was a tight match (that's what she said) between the Tards and the Hooks -- at times, one might say it was highway robbery (note, the Commish is very biased on this game, as her team lost). First off, straight up hustler Autumn "Bringin' the Fall" deVitry, after claiming that she was a "terrible bowler", and hoping she "wouldn't embarrass" her team, proved to be a hands down ringer with a starting score of 130, beating former Queenpin Dawn Haber by one pin. In spite of the balmy summer breeze outside, Autumn was the downfall of Tartar and the Retards, possibly even edging out former teammate Korpacz from ever playing again. Then there was the aforementioned "One Pin" controversy -- during game two, a single pin that had lingered in the gutter for almost the entire first game came to the Hookers rescue when Rodney threw a gutter ball, catapulting that pin back into the alley and knocking over a single pin, turning a gutter ball into a 1, and then converting it into a spare. Which wouldn't be that big a deal if the entire game hadn't come down to a two pin difference. Demoralized and defeated, Tartar and the Tards were defeated in the final game, making it a 3-0 win for the Hookers, who are now first place in the league (with a decided asterisk next to game 2). A rivalry is born.

Team 3 vs. Team 4 (aka The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. 8 Balls and a Split): Not much is know about this game, even by those who played it, because both teams got pretty obliterated throughout the match. The Barney Award (referencing Barney from the Simpsons) goes hands down to JerSean LePaulsen, who spent most of the game cursing out the disco lights, and kneeling like a defeated Samurai after every ball thrown. Hope he shows up today, cause no one knows how he got home last night (due to loud racial comments outside, he may have been accosted by ruffians in the parking lot). As for the actual results, The Bowled and the Beautiful started out strong due to Christopher Horne's hitting the juice - er, I mean, hitting the alleys this past weekend, but things took a downturn after he downed a pitcher of beer by himself somewhere around game 2. 8 Balls and a Split came out on top this week, pushing the Bowled and Beautiful into last place. Brandon and Dawn better stop going to concerts and start coming back to bowling -- you don't wanna go out like this. Paulsen had a 65 in the last frame, and his team still beat you. Yikes.

Head Homo Award (I swear, Christopher came up with this): Christopher Horne comes up the winner this week as the lead gay player, edging himself out from last week by 8 pins. Note: the league does not condone "practicing" on the weekends, but does acknowledge that said practices do take place and turns a blind eye, since it does enhance the game (and the muscles). As for the head homo award, the Commish predicts that Christopher will continue to dominate this award all season, since he is the only gay player - unless someone "switches teams" at some point in the season. My money is on Kevin Finn, whose name is already mispelled as Keri -- one step closer to the other side.

Biggest Balls of Them All Award: Michael "Lappy" LaPlante, in spite of a discouraging defeat, still managed to hit the highest score so far this season at 183. He continues to hold onto the Kingpin award with a strong average of 162.666667 this week - and $40 in the bank from his continuing bet with Derek "Not Wrecking Lappy" Kind. The tab will be high this season for Mr. Kind, thinks the Commish.

The Gobble! Gobble! Award!!: The first turkey of the season goes to master editor Greg Berg!! Late in game 3, in the tenth frame, no less, the mighty Mr. Berg pulled out the much coveted third strike. Hopefully, others will go on to get more turkeys for our Thanksgiving table throughout the season, but as everyone knows, nothing quite compares to the first time.

The Choke Award: Sadly, this goes to Maegan McDonaugh, who was our much hyped "best female". The pressure got to her, as she continued to be dogged by 9s and splits, leaving her with a sad starting average of 99. We may have found the solution, though -- much like Popeye needs his spinach, Maegan needs her Stella Artois -- she was a little too dry this game, due to the fact that she was spending her time getting the opposing team drunk and not enough time getting herself liquored up to play. This is a mistake her team will not let happen twice. JerSean LePaulsen better watch out - the Barney award may be snagged next time Maegan comes out to play.

Next week, Tartar and the Retards go head to head with the Bowled and the Beautiful (number 2 in the league vs. number 4 in the league), while the Hookers go on to cheat their way to the top against 8 Balls and a Split (note: Commish is still bitter about the "One Pin.") Detailed results attached. See you all next week, 8pm sharp!

-Tartar "The Commish" Canny

EP 101

Quote of the night: "I need bigger balls - they fit my hand better." -- me

BL Bowling had a killer start last night -- all teams represented (by showing up), beer was drank, balls were thrown, and some true contenders emerged. Here are some highlights:

"Biggest Balls of Them All" Award: Patrick "Bring the" Reina brought a downpour during his first game with the highest overall score of the night - 182. Unfortunately, the shower quickly fizzled to a light drizzle and then eventually a heavy marine layer during the 2nd and 3rd games, but his is the score to beat for the ongoing highest score of the season (which I am calling the aforementioned "Biggest Balls of Them All" award.)

"Kingpin" Award: First round draft pick Michael "Lappy" LaPlante proved he could deliver in this first game, with the highest overall average of 139 (for all three games). But Lappy shouldn't get too comfy -- Jesse "No Nickname" Drollette is fast on his heels with a 135.3333333 (and probably more 3s). Place your bets now for next week, it's gonna be tight.

"Queenpin" Award: Dawn "Of a New Era" Haber came out of nowhere to claim the female highest average score with a lofty 115 (.66667). Word is she was "doing it all for Weezie." However, she may get a run for her money next week when Maegan McD makes her season debut.

"Lucky Luciano" Award: Best bet of the night goes to Lappy and De "Wrecking Ball" Kind on the last game of the night - tied halfway through at 64, the Wrecking Ball bet the Lap Dizzle a twenty note that he would come out on top. But in the last frame, number one draft pick Lappy beat him -- by one single pin. Keep your eyes on these two for the rest of the season -- the Wrecking Ball couldn't be stopped from betting that he can beat Lappy on overall points for the season -- at press time, there was no monetary amount specified, but don't worry -l'll keep you posted.

"Thanksgiving" Award": Unfortunately, the Thanksgiving table is looking a bit bare -- no turkeys so far this season. But no one is on the hunt more than Scott "Brofmaniac" Brofman, who came within sight of a bird not once, not twice, but three times, only to have the turkey fly away home. (do turkeys fly?)

Leading the league are Tartar and the Retards (working title) and Jesse's Girls (also subject to change), with both teams making a clean sweep of 3 games to 0. Next week, the top two will go head to head, and the biggest losers, teams 3 & 4 will face off (no names specified at press time). Betting is strongly encouraged and sanctioned by this league. Attached are the full scores if you want to see how you measure up. Also, we need some team names!!!


--Tara "The Commish" Canny (that's right, I've just made it official)