EP 202

Quotes of the night:

"I don't even like bowling, and I'm thinking about buying a ball." Alex Katz, who has clearly caught the bowling fever

"It's my equalizer. It keeps things equal." Dan Reid re: his amazing shirt that reads audio levels

"I think Kevin Finn should be tested for his HDHG levels." - Brofman
"His THC levels???" Jesse, who mishears and is very worried

"Don't despair - pick up the spare!" Dawn to JerSean

"Did you order the fog machine?" Will to me. "I guess they're thinking if they want to keep us here, they gotta upgrade?"

"I'm going Jewish!" JerSean LePaul, when inquired about his t-shirt (JerSean's shirt has picture of a pig that says, "Don't eat me!")
"Sexy Anne Frank will like that." -Derek
"I'm not kosher, I'll eat that shit up!" - Sexy Anne Frank

"Where did you come from??" Kyle Swanson to Shyam after he bowls a 151 in game 2

"Is this the second week slump, like in BL? Cause I'm bowling like shit right now." - Maegamyte

"Sexy Anne Frank is bringing sexy back!" -Derek, when "Sexyback" comes on

"I'm doing so much better this week cause I had practice with actual balls this weekend!" Sexy Anne Frank re: man balls

Korpacz drops a glass, which shatters all over the floor. "Shit happens." (while kicking it under the ball racks)

"Brandon is the Hitler of this league." - Mike Hale

"Gobble Gobble!...almost." JerSean to Holly, who almost got a turkey

"DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E!" - All Hale Thee Finns, chanting

Korpacz leaps over chairs and the ball return to dramatically hug Brandon after a strike.
"Don't hurt your knee!" --Patrick Reina

"The bowling gods are testing us - who's got more resolve? I think we do." - Lappy, master of inspirational sports speeches


First off, I'd like to start with something I forgot to acknowledge last week - we have got some goddamn good nicknames this season. So far, my favorites are:
Big Boss Man, aka Alex Katz
GI Joe, aka Greg Cornejo
Hundjourno
MothaTucka
Reid My Lips (although I'm still planning on calling him Dan Motherf--ing Reid)
And my personal fave, Jerrycurl, for newcomer Jerry Meech

Speaking of newcomers, our latest recruits, farm league players Wes Ichishita and Shyam Balse (damn, they have hard names to spell), DOMINATED last night. Both came in strong with scores in the 150s, way up from their farm league averages (I think we thought Wes was like a 100???). Shyam fell off a bit in the last game, but Wes sweated his way through another 150, giving him a final average of a ballsy 149.5. The "Nightman" proves his stamina cometh in the evenings, just like his stringouts.

There were also some MAJOR shakeups in the individual rankings last night. Lappy came in and quickly took back his first place spot, bumping his broman Brofman to number two. He also banged Scott's wife. Dan Motherf--ing Reid proves he can play as good as he looks, taking the number three spot, as Mike "The Ringer" Hale continues his downward spiral to number 4. Maybe he should rethink the nickname. Another shocker that comes at us straight...and hard is Brandon Roberts now at a limp number 9, and fellow teammate Jesse Drollette is now a flaccid number 13. There clearly are some new cocks in the henhouse this season, with Wes"ley Sniper" Ichishita, Alex the PA, Jerrycurl Meech, and Kyle "Black Swan"son all beating them to the top. Brandon and Jesse are now bottoms, I guess?

You might notice that this recap is sadly lacking in JerSean LePaulsen'ness -- I apologize, but either JerSean was quieter than usual last night, or there was waaay too much Sexy Anne Frank between us, cause I got practically no quotes from him. Alex Katz did thank me profusely for the 4 lane buffer between himself and JerSean, however.

In terms of league scandals, the new Kingpin is actually Kerin Pinns, who bowled a questionable 208* in his first game, due to an error that gave him 4 strikes in a row. I completely blame those nameless bastards, the Unknowns, who didn't correct the mistake, but talked about it all night--I'm still kinda confused as to what really happened, something to do with him accidentally bowling for Maegamyte?? The repercussions are enormous - it affects his overall average and ranking, now at number 14 with a strong 132 average, not to mention it gave All Hale Thee Finns their first and only win of the season. All I can do is asterisk the hell out of this whole debacle, which will now be known as ********gate. (or Ass-teriskgate?)

Same story, different season - Brandon "Brutus/Hitler" Roberts has already begun his ethnic cleansing, shipping off the only female, Xtine Owen, on the train to Farm League-witz after a lackluster first game (88). Christine then took off her bowling shoes and asked to be traded, proceeding to turn her back on her team and watch the Lakers for the rest of the night (her manicure remained flawless). Not sure if things have been repaired in the light of day, but as of last night, Ms. Owen was ready to tell Straight...and Hard to shove something straight and hard up their assholes. Endquote.

Team Rankings! Thanks to Sexy Anne Frank's newly acquired ball-handling skills, 3-Hole Surprise sweeps the Designated Drivers 3 games to 0. Tonight We Strike! took the win, but only won 2 - Straight...and Hard cumshot them in the face by winning the last game and ruining a 3 game streak (and their makeup). The Unknowns, after the aforementioned ass-terisk game, won 2 to 1, making The Unknowns, Straight...and Hard, and 3 Hole Surprise all tied for first place (it's a three-way!). All Hale Thee Finns continues to struggle in last place, still waiting on their ringer to deliver the goods. (Hopefully not next week, cause that's when my team plays them.)

Next week, it's All Hale Thee Finns vs. Tonight We Strike!, JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns, and 3 Hole Surprise vs. Straight...and Hard. 5 on 5 action seemed to work, so we'll go with it for now. Oh! and this:

NEW RULE FOR NEXT WEEK: For teams with 6 players....no players may sit out two games. All players must play at least twice. How you choose to decide on that is up to team discretion. Hopefully, this will lead to less tears and poop in pants.

Stats attached.

Head Homo, where are you??????

-The Commish