Quote of the night:
-Jesse (yelling at his team): "DISSENSION!!! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Good shot."
-JerSean LePaulsen (to Jesse): "Stop yelling! You're stealing my thunder!"
-"Head Homo" Christopher Orne (about opponent JerSean Le P): "Commish, can I get a ruling? He's speaking Nazi." JerSean: "Ich bin ein Berliner!!"
Well, apologies to the league, this recap is extremely late, and as we all learned from Lappy's experience last week, work is no excuse. I also apologize in the advance - the Commish got a little bit tipsier than usual last night, so a lot of this recap is based on random texts to myself while drunk (I'm still not sure what this one means: "I'm not that psychedelic - that's just what I said to my doctor!" -- perhaps something to do with JerSean's multi-colored inserts?? More on that later).
First of all, HUGE upset last night. And so close to playoffs! Tartar and the Tards basically f--ed The Hookers. Hard. And then "forgot" to leave money on the nightstand. This means, innuendo aside, that the Tards have taken over the first place spot, and with one week before playoffs, one might say we are on our way. Of course the Tards, angry that we are, feel that due to Guttergate, we should have already DONE BEEN in first place, but seeing as Guttergate went the other way last night, (cough cough, Lappy, gutterball bounce, cough cough) we are willing to let bygones be bygones.
Other highlights - the whole "One Pin Finn" travesty - juicing gone wrong - illegal psychedelic gel inserts - and perhaps most importantly, THE HIGHEST FEMALE SCORE EVER. All and more - read on!
Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers: As aforementioned above, the Hookers got f--ed, but not the way they like it. Team captain Jesse "So High" Drollette decided last night was the night to experiment with the effects of drugs and alcohol on bowling. Um...the results are not so great. While "science" had not weighed in by press time, eye witnesses on the scene noted that whatever combination Jesse used provoked paranoia (see quote at top), an inability to control the volume of his voice, and sadly, kinda shitty bowling. In fact, by the end of game 3, he was taken down by none other than the Commish (whose average is a paltry 102 overall) - a bet of $5 was on the last game - who would beat who? Story editor vs. story producer! Slightly drunk vs. staggering and high!! Yeah, final score was 104 to 90. The Commish took it. Boo-yah. I'm rich, beeyoches! ($5 is higher than my salary for a week)
More importantly: Could Autumn be the Lappy for the girl's side?? While her team drowned their sorrows in shots, Autumn stayed focused -- and almost singlehandedly drove the team to victory. After bowling the first female turkey, she then went on to bowl a freaking 159. 159!!!! Most of the guys can't even bowl that!!! While her roll is unconventional, it is deadly effective. Seriously, Korpacz should consider staying injured, cause Autumn is carrying the weight of the team on her shoulders (she had the highest single game of anyone on her team that night). In spite of her protests, this is not a one-trick pony - this is BL Bowling herstory in the happening.
Onto the next team....
8 Balls and a Split vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Once again, there was some shady business afoot, as always with the Bowled and the Beautiful. "Brutus" Roberts somehow convinced Beauties Dawn "Of a New Era" and Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" that they were "busy" and "could not come". And THEN, he proceeded (along with Big Willie Style teammate) to try to bring in a straight up ringer, NOT previously approved by the Commish, someone who bowls a 300!!!! someone whose dad is a professional bowler!!!, as a replacement for said teammates (note: these ladies, though beauties, are not....bowling that type of score). The Commish put a kibosh on that right quick, teaching the lesson that while juicing is condoned, ringers are not. (especially when they're not on her team)
That said, the self-professed "biggest juicers in the game" learned the hard way that there are ill-effects to trying to 'roid your way to the top. Admittedly, this week was the highest in experimentation with juicing as a league - the infamous dark league juice between story teams 2 & 3- Lappy bowled the best game of his life, and Jesse, the worst. Greg Berg even juiced with his kids!!! Unforgivable!! Anyway, if anything, last night proved that juicing only works in moderation, and if done close to game time. "Head Homo" Orne holds that title in nickname only - he admitted that he juiced last Tuesday, but the effects had worn off by Monday, and he played worse than if he'd never juiced at all. They lost the first two games, but then in the third, Mr./Mrs. Kerin Finn cost 8 Balls and a Split a well-deserved sweep by losing the game -- by only one pin. All he needed was 10 pins!! 10 pins to win!!! Alas, "One Pin Finn" is born.
Special note to the fact that Dan "Mother-fing" Reid showed up. The betting pool is over, he did actually show this season -- and what a showing! Smelling like a million bucks, Dan Reid showed up, bowled the shit out of those pins, including a first-timer TURKEY!! (our Thanksgiving table is overloaded at this point), and even managed to booty dance with Maegan "Maegamite" McDonough on the side. What a smooth mother-f-er.
So.....what did I miss? I'm not really clear on the whole psychedelic gel inserts incident - at that point in the night, things had gotten foggy, and all I have are some pics (attached) of Christopher looking angry and JerSean LeP looking crazy. I guess that's how he always looks? Also, no idea what the whole speaking in German thing was about - the only explanation I have is that our lovely French bartender (Martine? who cares, that's her name now) kept him full-up on the double shot drinks, leaving a sloppy and un-politically correct JerSean in her wake.
Next week is week 6 - last game before playoffs!!! No pressure, but it's gonna be epic, especially for the first place slot. I'm working on a different computer at home, so not sure how I'll send the most up-to-date stats - maybe tomorrow? See you in a week!
-Tartar, the Commish
-Jesse (yelling at his team): "DISSENSION!!! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Good shot."
-JerSean LePaulsen (to Jesse): "Stop yelling! You're stealing my thunder!"
-"Head Homo" Christopher Orne (about opponent JerSean Le P): "Commish, can I get a ruling? He's speaking Nazi." JerSean: "Ich bin ein Berliner!!"
Well, apologies to the league, this recap is extremely late, and as we all learned from Lappy's experience last week, work is no excuse. I also apologize in the advance - the Commish got a little bit tipsier than usual last night, so a lot of this recap is based on random texts to myself while drunk (I'm still not sure what this one means: "I'm not that psychedelic - that's just what I said to my doctor!" -- perhaps something to do with JerSean's multi-colored inserts?? More on that later).
First of all, HUGE upset last night. And so close to playoffs! Tartar and the Tards basically f--ed The Hookers. Hard. And then "forgot" to leave money on the nightstand. This means, innuendo aside, that the Tards have taken over the first place spot, and with one week before playoffs, one might say we are on our way. Of course the Tards, angry that we are, feel that due to Guttergate, we should have already DONE BEEN in first place, but seeing as Guttergate went the other way last night, (cough cough, Lappy, gutterball bounce, cough cough) we are willing to let bygones be bygones.
Other highlights - the whole "One Pin Finn" travesty - juicing gone wrong - illegal psychedelic gel inserts - and perhaps most importantly, THE HIGHEST FEMALE SCORE EVER. All and more - read on!
Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers: As aforementioned above, the Hookers got f--ed, but not the way they like it. Team captain Jesse "So High" Drollette decided last night was the night to experiment with the effects of drugs and alcohol on bowling. Um...the results are not so great. While "science" had not weighed in by press time, eye witnesses on the scene noted that whatever combination Jesse used provoked paranoia (see quote at top), an inability to control the volume of his voice, and sadly, kinda shitty bowling. In fact, by the end of game 3, he was taken down by none other than the Commish (whose average is a paltry 102 overall) - a bet of $5 was on the last game - who would beat who? Story editor vs. story producer! Slightly drunk vs. staggering and high!! Yeah, final score was 104 to 90. The Commish took it. Boo-yah. I'm rich, beeyoches! ($5 is higher than my salary for a week)
More importantly: Could Autumn be the Lappy for the girl's side?? While her team drowned their sorrows in shots, Autumn stayed focused -- and almost singlehandedly drove the team to victory. After bowling the first female turkey, she then went on to bowl a freaking 159. 159!!!! Most of the guys can't even bowl that!!! While her roll is unconventional, it is deadly effective. Seriously, Korpacz should consider staying injured, cause Autumn is carrying the weight of the team on her shoulders (she had the highest single game of anyone on her team that night). In spite of her protests, this is not a one-trick pony - this is BL Bowling herstory in the happening.
Onto the next team....
8 Balls and a Split vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Once again, there was some shady business afoot, as always with the Bowled and the Beautiful. "Brutus" Roberts somehow convinced Beauties Dawn "Of a New Era" and Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" that they were "busy" and "could not come". And THEN, he proceeded (along with Big Willie Style teammate) to try to bring in a straight up ringer, NOT previously approved by the Commish, someone who bowls a 300!!!! someone whose dad is a professional bowler!!!, as a replacement for said teammates (note: these ladies, though beauties, are not....bowling that type of score). The Commish put a kibosh on that right quick, teaching the lesson that while juicing is condoned, ringers are not. (especially when they're not on her team)
That said, the self-professed "biggest juicers in the game" learned the hard way that there are ill-effects to trying to 'roid your way to the top. Admittedly, this week was the highest in experimentation with juicing as a league - the infamous dark league juice between story teams 2 & 3- Lappy bowled the best game of his life, and Jesse, the worst. Greg Berg even juiced with his kids!!! Unforgivable!! Anyway, if anything, last night proved that juicing only works in moderation, and if done close to game time. "Head Homo" Orne holds that title in nickname only - he admitted that he juiced last Tuesday, but the effects had worn off by Monday, and he played worse than if he'd never juiced at all. They lost the first two games, but then in the third, Mr./Mrs. Kerin Finn cost 8 Balls and a Split a well-deserved sweep by losing the game -- by only one pin. All he needed was 10 pins!! 10 pins to win!!! Alas, "One Pin Finn" is born.
Special note to the fact that Dan "Mother-fing" Reid showed up. The betting pool is over, he did actually show this season -- and what a showing! Smelling like a million bucks, Dan Reid showed up, bowled the shit out of those pins, including a first-timer TURKEY!! (our Thanksgiving table is overloaded at this point), and even managed to booty dance with Maegan "Maegamite" McDonough on the side. What a smooth mother-f-er.
So.....what did I miss? I'm not really clear on the whole psychedelic gel inserts incident - at that point in the night, things had gotten foggy, and all I have are some pics (attached) of Christopher looking angry and JerSean LeP looking crazy. I guess that's how he always looks? Also, no idea what the whole speaking in German thing was about - the only explanation I have is that our lovely French bartender (Martine? who cares, that's her name now) kept him full-up on the double shot drinks, leaving a sloppy and un-politically correct JerSean in her wake.
Next week is week 6 - last game before playoffs!!! No pressure, but it's gonna be epic, especially for the first place slot. I'm working on a different computer at home, so not sure how I'll send the most up-to-date stats - maybe tomorrow? See you in a week!
-Tartar, the Commish
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