Quote of the night:
--Greg Berg: "Brett Favre just threw his 500th touchdown pass." --Camilla: "I saw his weiner today!"
--"What? I'm not gonna give you head" - JerSean LePaulsen to Korpacz after Korpacz made a motion that he wanted a cigarette
--"Where the f-- is Lappy??" - Ambert, the counter girl
And to think.....Brandon "Brutus" Roberts wanted to cancel.
Around 5pm last night, the league was at a low point. Three out of four teams were going to have to play with only two members. Excuses abounded, from moms, to marathons, to birthday parties for "close friends". Things looked grim, and even though his team had perfect attendance as usual, Benedict Arnold Roberts nearly had the Commish rethinking the game that night. But then at 6:04, JerSean LePaulsen brought us back to what's really important by powering up after a loooooong marathon shoot and coming out for glory. Korpacz was quickly bribed to come off the DL list by some shots of Patron. And newcomer (possible permanent sub) Audrey "Deadly Red" Wood agreed to fill in for the very much abandoned Tartar and the Retards.
And then history was made.
But first - a side note. The much-watched, high profile player Michael "Lappy" Laplante chose sleep over his team -- chose his own personal health over the health of his team's record.....and it would cost him. While the Kingpin slept, his crown was taken from him -- and his record - beaten. It was history in the making, as "Big Willie Style" Simpson started out game two with 5 strikes in a row. That's right, the exact same amount that Lappy had last week. But the final score? A walloping 194, which bested Lappy by 4 pins and gave Will the highest score of the season.
And it couldn't have come at a more crucial time. See below for the full game summaries.....
The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. The Hookers: It seemed like an easy win for the Hookers -- number one in the league, only one loss so far this season. And they were playing the Bowled and the Beautiful, who, let's face it, had thus far shown that they were far better at cheering their team to a loss than a victory.
But they had some tricks up their sleeve. While the Beauties trail the league in wins, they apparently have been leading the league in juicing. Especially "Head Homo" Orne, who has been stacking it on the weekends, on weeknights, possibly even during lunch hours (Jesse and Tartar recently caught a sweaty Orne walking into the caf midday, clearly just coming off a bender at the alleys). Not to mention......DRAGONBALL. (wish I had a sound effect for that one -- please see attached picture). Unlike the failed LL Cool J movie, this Dragonball had fire. Armed with the secret weapon that united the team unlike Sandwiches or Weezy ever could, the team propelled themselves to victory.
"Big Willie" Simpson clearly was a huge factor, with his five strikes and his ridiculous (Lappy-beating) score of 194. Camilla - formerly Chumsys - dropped the cutesy nickname and picked one that was either named after a mentally retarded '80s tv icon, or after Brett Favre's aforementioned "cork" (new nickname: Corkie). "Head Homo" Orne can't be discounted, though - he went above and beyond for his team, and while he hasn't been forthright about where and when he got ahold of this mysterious DRAGONBALL (sound effect) -- I'll just leave it up to your imagination. Christopher knows where the balls are at. End of story.
The saddest news of the night, however, is the death of Korpacz (as a player, that is). The Patron did not soothe the pain of his bum knee, and after a killah first game, he is now crippled, possibly for life, doomed to hobble about the 3 Ball offices and mumble incoherently about the Flyahs. Korpacz, we will pour one out for you next week. R.I.P, homie -- we'll see you at the crossroads.
Tartar and the Retards vs. 8 Balls and a Split: I looked in Scott's eyes last night, and I could feel it - we were doomed to lose. After a triple abandonment due to sad, lackluster excuses, the pressure was on for Scott and Tartar, the only Tards who were dedicated enough to come out last night. And like the captain of the Titanic, they were forced to go down with the ship. After a tense 40 minute delay of game by Hollie "Slow as Molasses" Self ("I was working!" she claims. As previously mentioned, this is not an excuse that holds water), the game got off to a slow start, with both teams playing subpar. Especially disappointing was De-"Not Wrecking Much of Anything" Kind, who, in spite of Lappy's absence, did not take advantage of the Kingpin slot. In fact, it may have been the absence of his nemesis (and the lack of money on the line) which was the cause of his blah final average of 118. A cloud of gloom hung over the game -- people got strikes and their own teams didn't notice, Hols to the Wall discovered that she may need to drink less in order to play better (nooooooo!!) - even JerSean LePaulsen, though solidly on his game, merely got plastered in a quiet and brooding manner (save the exception of the Korpacz quote above). The Commish was even interrupted halfway through the game and accused of a team member not paying! Yes, 8 Balls won, by a measly 5 pins in the end, but there wasn't much of a celebration.
The only exciting thing to come out of the night was that the number two and number three seeds have gotten that much closer - Tartar and the Tards barely scrape by at second place with 7 wins, 5 losses to 8 Balls 5 wins, 7 losses. It's pretty tight. *that's what he said.
But let's go back to happier thoughts. MAJOR upset with the Bowled and the Beautiful taking down the Hookers. Will they somehow juice their way to the top? Stay tuned for next week, with the Beauties taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the rival match of Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers (that's right, we haven't forgotten "Guttergate").
Lappy, please come back. Please.
--The Commish
--Greg Berg: "Brett Favre just threw his 500th touchdown pass." --Camilla: "I saw his weiner today!"
--"What? I'm not gonna give you head" - JerSean LePaulsen to Korpacz after Korpacz made a motion that he wanted a cigarette
--"Where the f-- is Lappy??" - Ambert, the counter girl
And to think.....Brandon "Brutus" Roberts wanted to cancel.
Around 5pm last night, the league was at a low point. Three out of four teams were going to have to play with only two members. Excuses abounded, from moms, to marathons, to birthday parties for "close friends". Things looked grim, and even though his team had perfect attendance as usual, Benedict Arnold Roberts nearly had the Commish rethinking the game that night. But then at 6:04, JerSean LePaulsen brought us back to what's really important by powering up after a loooooong marathon shoot and coming out for glory. Korpacz was quickly bribed to come off the DL list by some shots of Patron. And newcomer (possible permanent sub) Audrey "Deadly Red" Wood agreed to fill in for the very much abandoned Tartar and the Retards.
And then history was made.
But first - a side note. The much-watched, high profile player Michael "Lappy" Laplante chose sleep over his team -- chose his own personal health over the health of his team's record.....and it would cost him. While the Kingpin slept, his crown was taken from him -- and his record - beaten. It was history in the making, as "Big Willie Style" Simpson started out game two with 5 strikes in a row. That's right, the exact same amount that Lappy had last week. But the final score? A walloping 194, which bested Lappy by 4 pins and gave Will the highest score of the season.
And it couldn't have come at a more crucial time. See below for the full game summaries.....
The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. The Hookers: It seemed like an easy win for the Hookers -- number one in the league, only one loss so far this season. And they were playing the Bowled and the Beautiful, who, let's face it, had thus far shown that they were far better at cheering their team to a loss than a victory.
But they had some tricks up their sleeve. While the Beauties trail the league in wins, they apparently have been leading the league in juicing. Especially "Head Homo" Orne, who has been stacking it on the weekends, on weeknights, possibly even during lunch hours (Jesse and Tartar recently caught a sweaty Orne walking into the caf midday, clearly just coming off a bender at the alleys). Not to mention......DRAGONBALL. (wish I had a sound effect for that one -- please see attached picture). Unlike the failed LL Cool J movie, this Dragonball had fire. Armed with the secret weapon that united the team unlike Sandwiches or Weezy ever could, the team propelled themselves to victory.
"Big Willie" Simpson clearly was a huge factor, with his five strikes and his ridiculous (Lappy-beating) score of 194. Camilla - formerly Chumsys - dropped the cutesy nickname and picked one that was either named after a mentally retarded '80s tv icon, or after Brett Favre's aforementioned "cork" (new nickname: Corkie). "Head Homo" Orne can't be discounted, though - he went above and beyond for his team, and while he hasn't been forthright about where and when he got ahold of this mysterious DRAGONBALL (sound effect) -- I'll just leave it up to your imagination. Christopher knows where the balls are at. End of story.
The saddest news of the night, however, is the death of Korpacz (as a player, that is). The Patron did not soothe the pain of his bum knee, and after a killah first game, he is now crippled, possibly for life, doomed to hobble about the 3 Ball offices and mumble incoherently about the Flyahs. Korpacz, we will pour one out for you next week. R.I.P, homie -- we'll see you at the crossroads.
Tartar and the Retards vs. 8 Balls and a Split: I looked in Scott's eyes last night, and I could feel it - we were doomed to lose. After a triple abandonment due to sad, lackluster excuses, the pressure was on for Scott and Tartar, the only Tards who were dedicated enough to come out last night. And like the captain of the Titanic, they were forced to go down with the ship. After a tense 40 minute delay of game by Hollie "Slow as Molasses" Self ("I was working!" she claims. As previously mentioned, this is not an excuse that holds water), the game got off to a slow start, with both teams playing subpar. Especially disappointing was De-"Not Wrecking Much of Anything" Kind, who, in spite of Lappy's absence, did not take advantage of the Kingpin slot. In fact, it may have been the absence of his nemesis (and the lack of money on the line) which was the cause of his blah final average of 118. A cloud of gloom hung over the game -- people got strikes and their own teams didn't notice, Hols to the Wall discovered that she may need to drink less in order to play better (nooooooo!!) - even JerSean LePaulsen, though solidly on his game, merely got plastered in a quiet and brooding manner (save the exception of the Korpacz quote above). The Commish was even interrupted halfway through the game and accused of a team member not paying! Yes, 8 Balls won, by a measly 5 pins in the end, but there wasn't much of a celebration.
The only exciting thing to come out of the night was that the number two and number three seeds have gotten that much closer - Tartar and the Tards barely scrape by at second place with 7 wins, 5 losses to 8 Balls 5 wins, 7 losses. It's pretty tight. *that's what he said.
But let's go back to happier thoughts. MAJOR upset with the Bowled and the Beautiful taking down the Hookers. Will they somehow juice their way to the top? Stay tuned for next week, with the Beauties taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the rival match of Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers (that's right, we haven't forgotten "Guttergate").
Lappy, please come back. Please.
--The Commish
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