"Is that where we're going?" Christine, pointing to the lane
"You want me to get your luggage, miss?" Korpacz
"Hey Sean, the glasses won't help! Or are you still in Hawaii?" -Korpacz to JerSean, re: his hot pink sunglasses
"Lappy's complaining about service, cause his four inches aren't getting serviced!" - Hale
"Yo Lappy, there's a Home Depot down the street with power sanders! You should check it out!" -Jesse (now I see why they were put on the same team)
(editor's note: this was while Scott, creepy manager dude, was "servicing" Lappy's...........lane)
"Who put this song on? It makes me want to drop ass!" - Korpacz ("Home Sweet Home," Motley Crue)
Chris, manager, announces that they have to pause for a moment on lane 2 while they fix their lane....
"We want free french fries! With chili cheese!" - Chumsys
"You know what Kobe would do - he'd do the person at the desk." - Korpacz, giving positive encouragement to Christine
After Korpacz ordered his first bottle of the night....
JerSean: "How many more bottles do you have?"
Dede: "About half a case?"
JerSean: "I'll take them all. Including this one. Can you move that down to my team?"
"We'll just go to the liquor store next door!" - Korpacz
"It's ok, it's only Korbel. He can have his trashy champagne." - Christine
"That's gonna be our only loss. It's gonna be a great story - "They lost the first game....and never lost again..."" - Jesse after game one (p.s., we also lost the 2nd game....)
"I want to have sex with her!" - Hale
"Are you talking to me?" - Christine
"Well, yes, subconsciously." - Hale
"The main reason I cut my hair was so I could hit on the 18-year-old seniors who just graduated." - Hale (editor's note: just vomited in my mouth a little bit, sorry)
"I'm all sticky!" - Greg Berg, while squatting and groping his crotch area.
"Not like that!" - Greg, after seeing me writing it down
"Asshoarders!!" - Hale
"It looks like you need a real ass-grabbing before you bowl." Mothatucker to Hale
"I'm an ass guy, all day long." - Hale
"Kevin, guard your ass, we can't afford anymore strikes from this guy!" Mothatucker
"I stole his ass power!" - Hale
"My ass is useless!!!" - Kevin Finn
"Mugge, how many balls do you need in your hands?" - Hale
"I can never have enough, ok?" Mugge
"No music, lots of lights, are you fucking kidding me????" -JerSean
"He's fucking wasted. He doesn't bowl well when he's wasted." -Me, observing Jesse stumbling
"Apparently I don't bowl well when he's wasted." - Rodney
"I'm kinda drunk right now, I'm not gonna lie." - Jesse
"Stop intimidating me!!! Stop intimidating me!!" -Jesse to me. "Wait, what's the word? Imitating??"
"Christine's Vibrators!!!! That's our team name!!" - Brofman
"I will never bowl again." - Christine
"I'm the Valentine!! I'm the Valentine!!" - Christine, clearly in denial
"You're the vagina." - Me
"Vibrators a lot better than vaginas, right?" -Alex the PA, trying to console her
"Christine's Vibrating Balls!!" - Korpacz
"3 in the pink, one in the stink!" - Camilla
"Man, you go hard!"- Korpacz
(editor's note: traditionally speaking, it's two.)
"You just have to wipe the poop out of his pants and put it in his mouth." - Jesse to me (re: Mike Hale, formerly known as Poopypants)
"Stop fucking yourself! Camilla will do that for you." - Korpacz
"Christine, those are your pins. Own them, fuck them, and get 'em down." - Korpacz
"I've been prison raping my teammates." - Jesse
Regarding creepy Scott the manager's new replacement.....
"We're gonna fuck him in the ass!! I don't mean literally, I mean verbally." - Jesse
"Thank you for explaining the metaphor." - Me
"Just the tip counts. That's what they told me in college." - Camilla
"Lanes 17 & 18 - I have to ask you guys to speed things up a little bit. This is America talking." -Chris, our announcer (editor's note: these are the lanes JerSean is bowling on. just saying.)
So Season 3 kicked off last night - for those of you who missed it, just wanted to make sure you knew? That you were missing the best night of your lives? Derek Hollie Head Homo lamest people ever?? Ok, cool, just wanted to make sure you knew. Perhaps the most important thing that you missed is a chance to have your voice heard, because last night, we did a vote......
.....and the lights are going off, people!! That's right, the people have spoken, and it's lights off. It was pretty tight (that's what he said), 15 - 13, but for those suckers who chose not to come last night, you just missed the Iowa primaries. Can't win if you don't play (now I'm mixing way too many metaphors).
So starting out the season was a little awkward at first, getting to know new teammates--kinda like when a guy wants to do something to you in an uncomfortable place. Like the back of a Volkswagon. I mean, you get used to it, and maybe you even learn to love it someday, but the beginning is bound to hurt a little bit. I'm talking about the new teams still, just in case you were wondering.
Anyhoo, so one of my personal favorite moments of the night was right in the beginning of game 1. Prior to even winning anything, Korpacz already had the bottle out and ready to go, champagne glasses in hand, "Bottles!!", on his lips. Sir Sean LePaulsen, rich on pineapple money and recently knighted by Hawaiian princes, attempted to buy out Dede's entire supply of cheap champagne. He has notably been adamantly opposed to the whole "Bottles!!" phenomenon -- ever since Sir Sean went tropical, a new JerSean has emerged in his place....and Sir Sean does not like it, one bit. Late last season, Korpacz slowly began stepping up his drinking and quote-worthiness, until, as you can see above, he's begun to dominate the bowling blogosphere (which consists of one blog, blbowling.blogspot.com <http://blbowling.blogspot.com> ). Story to watch for the season - will Sir Sean reclaim his throne as most derrilous and dangerous man at El Dorado? Or will Korpacz steal it from him with his bottles and Long Island accented, hockey-related humor? Stay tuned.....
Also in contention for drunkest man of the night - fresh off a two week shoot in Dallas, Jesse "No Nickname" Drollette decided to let loose HIS inner JerSean. How many JerSeans can this league contain?? Every time he went up to bowl, it was like watching a 2 year old taking their first wobbly steps - and there were a few terrible two tantrums after some bad throws, not gonna lie. However, he was extremely quote-worthy, especially since he is perhaps the only person left in the league who doesn't want to be quoted, emphatically and loudly so, and will often try to steal away the Commissioner's notebook, which is regarded as state secrets and needs to be guarded as such. Luckily, no one can decipher my handwriting, including myself, so he usually just shouts, "Stop writing!!" many times, whilst clawing the air uselessly. He is good teammate though - he was very concerned about my safety throughout the night. After I was "intimidating" his slurring voice, he became concerned - "You're not gonna drive, right? You really shouldn't." Then he promptly realized his fly had been undone for 20 minutes, and shuffled away.
Other favorite moments of the night -
- Newcomer "Mugge" bowling as the gate was down, and having her ball come all the way back to her, like a long lost cat - hey, we all make mistakes our first night
- Korpacz tripping over a chair, and then carefully replacing it, hoping no one noticed
- Camilla apparently putting her finger up Korpacz's butthole (possibly just hearsay, but still, noteworthy)
- Best announcement ever regarding Sir Sean's tardy lanes - not surprising, considering Sir Sean has the slowest wind-up in the history of all bowling
- Korpacz & Broffie's team, recently christened "Christine's Vibrating Balls", killed Derek & Rick Shirey's (Derek + Rick? The Dicks???) fledgling new team, 3-0. Christine's Vibrating Balls are definitely the team to watch at the moment, especially with Alex the former PA's ridiculous 176 from game 1. They're also highly entertaining, and they keep my champagne glass full, so digging them right off the start.
- Jerrycurl's team, "Minds in the Gutter", although I prefer to call them "The AssHoaders", anally raped my team, 2 games to one, although Jesse did take the brunt of it. He is undoubtedly sore this morning, for many reasons. In case you were wondering, my team's name is "4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup" - we decided to go for it, since Mike "Possible Sex Offender" Hale is on our team and all.
- Brandon's team, "All the Queen's Men," (appropriate, given Sir Sean's recent knighthood and QueenPin Maegamyte), and Lappy's team - no team name as of yet - unless he told me while I was tipsy at the end of the night, which is possible - it's still kinda unclear who won this game, since for the first time in BL Bowling History, they didn't finish the last game. So.....yeah, not sure what to do with that. A tie? Broffie and team captains Brandon and Lappy - side discussions will resume.
Brofman has generously volunteered to be our stat keeper, which is awesomely amazing!! So bug him for your stats, will ya!? Next week is an off-week because of the July 4th holiday - feel free to juice your hearts out, but it's not an official league game. We resume on July 11th, with a brand new manager (named Jamie?? Possibly a girl??) to replace creepy Scott, who recently joined a Monday night bowling league of his own. Rest in peace, creepy stache man. You were annoying and too much of a close talker, but you did give us perhaps the best email I've ever received regarding Korpacz's mooning incident, and for that I'll never forget you. We'll pour one out for Scott in two weeks.
Lights out, bitches!!!
-The Commish
