EP 301

Quotes of the night:

"Is that where we're going?" Christine, pointing to the lane
"You want me to get your luggage, miss?" Korpacz

"Hey Sean, the glasses won't help! Or are you still in Hawaii?" -Korpacz to JerSean, re: his hot pink sunglasses

"Lappy's complaining about service, cause his four inches aren't getting serviced!" - Hale
"Yo Lappy, there's a Home Depot down the street with power sanders! You should check it out!" -Jesse (now I see why they were put on the same team)
(editor's note: this was while Scott, creepy manager dude, was "servicing" Lappy's...........lane)

"Who put this song on? It makes me want to drop ass!" - Korpacz ("Home Sweet Home," Motley Crue)

Chris, manager, announces that they have to pause for a moment on lane 2 while they fix their lane....
"We want free french fries! With chili cheese!" - Chumsys

"You know what Kobe would do - he'd do the person at the desk." - Korpacz, giving positive encouragement to Christine

After Korpacz ordered his first bottle of the night....
JerSean: "How many more bottles do you have?"
Dede: "About half a case?"
JerSean: "I'll take them all. Including this one. Can you move that down to my team?"

"We'll just go to the liquor store next door!" - Korpacz

"It's ok, it's only Korbel. He can have his trashy champagne." - Christine

"That's gonna be our only loss. It's gonna be a great story - "They lost the first game....and never lost again..."" - Jesse after game one (p.s., we also lost the 2nd game....)

"I want to have sex with her!" - Hale
"Are you talking to me?" - Christine
"Well, yes, subconsciously." - Hale

"The main reason I cut my hair was so I could hit on the 18-year-old seniors who just graduated." - Hale (editor's note: just vomited in my mouth a little bit, sorry)

"I'm all sticky!" - Greg Berg, while squatting and groping his crotch area.
"Not like that!" - Greg, after seeing me writing it down

"Asshoarders!!" - Hale
"It looks like you need a real ass-grabbing before you bowl." Mothatucker to Hale
"I'm an ass guy, all day long." - Hale
"Kevin, guard your ass, we can't afford anymore strikes from this guy!" Mothatucker
"I stole his ass power!" - Hale
"My ass is useless!!!" - Kevin Finn

"Mugge, how many balls do you need in your hands?" - Hale
"I can never have enough, ok?" Mugge

"No music, lots of lights, are you fucking kidding me????" -JerSean

"He's fucking wasted. He doesn't bowl well when he's wasted." -Me, observing Jesse stumbling
"Apparently I don't bowl well when he's wasted." - Rodney

"I'm kinda drunk right now, I'm not gonna lie." - Jesse

"Stop intimidating me!!! Stop intimidating me!!" -Jesse to me. "Wait, what's the word? Imitating??"

"Christine's Vibrators!!!! That's our team name!!" - Brofman
"I will never bowl again." - Christine

"I'm the Valentine!! I'm the Valentine!!" - Christine, clearly in denial
"You're the vagina." - Me
"Vibrators a lot better than vaginas, right?" -Alex the PA, trying to console her

"Christine's Vibrating Balls!!" - Korpacz

"3 in the pink, one in the stink!" - Camilla
"Man, you go hard!"- Korpacz
(editor's note: traditionally speaking, it's two.)

"You just have to wipe the poop out of his pants and put it in his mouth." - Jesse to me (re: Mike Hale, formerly known as Poopypants)

"Stop fucking yourself! Camilla will do that for you." - Korpacz

"Christine, those are your pins. Own them, fuck them, and get 'em down." - Korpacz

"I've been prison raping my teammates." - Jesse

Regarding creepy Scott the manager's new replacement.....
"We're gonna fuck him in the ass!! I don't mean literally, I mean verbally." - Jesse
"Thank you for explaining the metaphor." - Me

"Just the tip counts. That's what they told me in college." - Camilla

"Lanes 17 & 18 - I have to ask you guys to speed things up a little bit. This is America talking." -Chris, our announcer (editor's note: these are the lanes JerSean is bowling on. just saying.)


So Season 3 kicked off last night - for those of you who missed it, just wanted to make sure you knew? That you were missing the best night of your lives? Derek Hollie Head Homo lamest people ever?? Ok, cool, just wanted to make sure you knew. Perhaps the most important thing that you missed is a chance to have your voice heard, because last night, we did a vote......

.....and the lights are going off, people!! That's right, the people have spoken, and it's lights off. It was pretty tight (that's what he said), 15 - 13, but for those suckers who chose not to come last night, you just missed the Iowa primaries. Can't win if you don't play (now I'm mixing way too many metaphors).

So starting out the season was a little awkward at first, getting to know new teammates--kinda like when a guy wants to do something to you in an uncomfortable place. Like the back of a Volkswagon. I mean, you get used to it, and maybe you even learn to love it someday, but the beginning is bound to hurt a little bit. I'm talking about the new teams still, just in case you were wondering.

Anyhoo, so one of my personal favorite moments of the night was right in the beginning of game 1. Prior to even winning anything, Korpacz already had the bottle out and ready to go, champagne glasses in hand, "Bottles!!", on his lips. Sir Sean LePaulsen, rich on pineapple money and recently knighted by Hawaiian princes, attempted to buy out Dede's entire supply of cheap champagne. He has notably been adamantly opposed to the whole "Bottles!!" phenomenon -- ever since Sir Sean went tropical, a new JerSean has emerged in his place....and Sir Sean does not like it, one bit. Late last season, Korpacz slowly began stepping up his drinking and quote-worthiness, until, as you can see above, he's begun to dominate the bowling blogosphere (which consists of one blog, blbowling.blogspot.com <http://blbowling.blogspot.com> ). Story to watch for the season - will Sir Sean reclaim his throne as most derrilous and dangerous man at El Dorado? Or will Korpacz steal it from him with his bottles and Long Island accented, hockey-related humor? Stay tuned.....

Also in contention for drunkest man of the night - fresh off a two week shoot in Dallas, Jesse "No Nickname" Drollette decided to let loose HIS inner JerSean. How many JerSeans can this league contain?? Every time he went up to bowl, it was like watching a 2 year old taking their first wobbly steps - and there were a few terrible two tantrums after some bad throws, not gonna lie. However, he was extremely quote-worthy, especially since he is perhaps the only person left in the league who doesn't want to be quoted, emphatically and loudly so, and will often try to steal away the Commissioner's notebook, which is regarded as state secrets and needs to be guarded as such. Luckily, no one can decipher my handwriting, including myself, so he usually just shouts, "Stop writing!!" many times, whilst clawing the air uselessly. He is good teammate though - he was very concerned about my safety throughout the night. After I was "intimidating" his slurring voice, he became concerned - "You're not gonna drive, right? You really shouldn't." Then he promptly realized his fly had been undone for 20 minutes, and shuffled away.

Other favorite moments of the night -

• Newcomer "Mugge" bowling as the gate was down, and having her ball come all the way back to her, like a long lost cat - hey, we all make mistakes our first night
• Korpacz tripping over a chair, and then carefully replacing it, hoping no one noticed
• Camilla apparently putting her finger up Korpacz's butthole (possibly just hearsay, but still, noteworthy)
• Best announcement ever regarding Sir Sean's tardy lanes - not surprising, considering Sir Sean has the slowest wind-up in the history of all bowling
  

In terms of who won:

• Korpacz & Broffie's team, recently christened "Christine's Vibrating Balls", killed Derek & Rick Shirey's (Derek + Rick? The Dicks???) fledgling new team, 3-0. Christine's Vibrating Balls are definitely the team to watch at the moment, especially with Alex the former PA's ridiculous 176 from game 1. They're also highly entertaining, and they keep my champagne glass full, so digging them right off the start.
• Jerrycurl's team, "Minds in the Gutter", although I prefer to call them "The AssHoaders", anally raped my team, 2 games to one, although Jesse did take the brunt of it. He is undoubtedly sore this morning, for many reasons. In case you were wondering, my team's name is "4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup" - we decided to go for it, since Mike "Possible Sex Offender" Hale is on our team and all.
• Brandon's team, "All the Queen's Men," (appropriate, given Sir Sean's recent knighthood and QueenPin Maegamyte), and Lappy's team - no team name as of yet - unless he told me while I was tipsy at the end of the night, which is possible - it's still kinda unclear who won this game, since for the first time in BL Bowling History, they didn't finish the last game. So.....yeah, not sure what to do with that. A tie? Broffie and team captains Brandon and Lappy - side discussions will resume.
  

Brofman has generously volunteered to be our stat keeper, which is awesomely amazing!! So bug him for your stats, will ya!? Next week is an off-week because of the July 4th holiday - feel free to juice your hearts out, but it's not an official league game. We resume on July 11th, with a brand new manager (named Jamie?? Possibly a girl??) to replace creepy Scott, who recently joined a Monday night bowling league of his own. Rest in peace, creepy stache man. You were annoying and too much of a close talker, but you did give us perhaps the best email I've ever received regarding Korpacz's mooning incident, and for that I'll never forget you. We'll pour one out for Scott in two weeks.


Lights out, bitches!!!

-The Commish

EP 210

Quotes of the night:

"You knocked down those pins like Sandwiches was behind them!" - Double E to Head Homo

"I'm not a quote mongerer, but I just want you to know I thought of that really early on, and then I waited patiently until the right moment appeared." - Double E, regarding the quote above

"You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" - Camila to JerSean, re: copyright infringement of her catchphrase, "Fuck that Pin!"
"Camila, where have you been? The French say hello in whatever fruity language they say it in!!" - JerSean

JerSean yelling at Korpacz incoherently.
Korpacz yelling over him: "Bhuh bhuh bhuh bhuh bluh bluh bluh!"

"You're not a charming douche! You're just a douche!" - Double E to Brandon

Don't have the direct quote, but Brofman talking about, "finding Lappy in the street 10 years ago, doped up on methadone, dick in his mouth." See Brofman's full story of "Lappy: Behind the Pins", airing on A&E this fall.

"Yay! I'm cheering for you!!" - Dawn to Brandon (who is not on her team)

"How could the worst team in the league beat the best team in the league??" - Head Homo

"They're licking their wounds and getting stoned." - JerSean, re: Straight...and Hard

"Who put all the stoners on one team??" - Head Homo
"Brandon made the teams...." - Me

"We want to instill a drug testing policy. I'm starting with this motherfucker." - Head Homo re: Brandon

"Has anybody noticed the air is a little bit lighter this week? A little less...poopy? Less...poopy pants?" - JerSean
"Smells like Teen Spirit!" - Korpacz

"My grandma bowls quicker than you, and she's dead!" - Korpacz to JerSean
"Your grandma ruhr ruuhrr rhhurr!!" - JerSean
"Are those words?" -Me
"Starts with a letter, ends with yelling." - Maegamyte

"Oh Brandon, that sucked." - Dawn, "trash-talking" Brandon

"Why are you yelling about gay people?" - Me to JerSean
"Because you can't yell about black people, that's racist!!" - JerSean

"There was a room full of turduckens, and you wonder why you couldn't find Sandwiches??" - JerSean to Head Homo

"Oprah, Sandwiches, Gayle, turducken, you fill in the rest." - JerSean
"Wait a minute, Oprah went down on my dog???" - Head Homo, trying to get clarification

"You don't know about this weekend! There were skanky girls! Sandwiches! Turduckens!" - JerSean
"There were no turduckens!" - Holly
"There were turduckens everywhere!" - JerSean

JerSean explaining to Dede what a turducken is:
"It's the perfect Thanksgiving dinner! A little chicken for you, a little turkey for me, a little duck for Grandma Betsy over there!"
(Dede shakes her head and walks away)

"Christopher, you want me to close you out?" - Hewitt, the waitress
"Wait, is that a way of telling me I've had too much?" - Head Homo
"No, I compare everyone to Sean before I do that." - Hewitt (zing!)

"Was there a ransom note on the door? Was there any indication that Sandwiches was inside or kidnapped??" - JerSean to Head Homo
"I got an email from Al Qaeda!" - Head Homo

"You gotta wonder if the business we bring in counters the business we scare away." -Brofman

Probably the most profound quote of the season is the above, from Brofman. After 10 long weeks, we are certainly wearing out our welcome at El Dorado. Perhaps it was the lack of buffer around us - we were virtually alone in the alley last night, which made our screams all the louder, and JerSean's dismantling of the bowling lanes more obvious than usual. Perhaps it was that the two loudest, drunkest, most drugged up, most obnoxious/most entertaining teams in the league were playing each other last night, Straight...and Hard vs. JerSean's Designated Drivers. Perhaps it was the fact that someone (hopefully not one of us) had an "accident" all over the back of the ladies toilet, and I made one of the workers clean it up before I would use the facility. (I'll give you a hint - it was as though someone had poopy pants, minus the pants. And then missed the toilet.) At any rate, based on the announcements made at the end the night, as well as the talking-to I got from Rick, wondering if he was going to have to throw people out and/or break up a fight, I think we may have squandered two seasons of goodwill in one night. Hopefully, they still made lots of money, and will forgive us. Thank goodness the long, long season is over and playoffs are beginning next week -- but then again, with the competitive juices flowing, things could only get much, much worse. We might need to take a long holiday in between this season and next to let them miss us (and to avoid the inevitable damages).

But - before we get to playoffs, some highlights of last night:

Number one moment of the night, possibly the season - during game one, Miss Congeniality, Red Dawn - the last frame of the game, Brandon "Massengill" Roberts, tried to psyche Dawn out by getting the entire league to watch her bowl - no pressure! You just have to roll a strike to win!! This, in spite of the fact that she was cheering him on throughout the game - but as seen above, he is a douche, and not a charming one. And what did she do? She bowled a strike! (and then promptly gave him two middle fingers - with a big smile). But she wasn't done yet - she then went on to bowl a second strike, putting the nail in the coffin, sealing the deal for the Designated Drivers, and finally winning one for the good guys. Unfortunately, her team then got ridiculously drunk and delirious off the win (also, they got literally drunk), and proceeded to lose the next two games. But still - the crowd went wild, even Dede came out to watch, and Dawn sealed the Miss Congeniality prize and possibly MVP award for her team. She is a ray of light on an increasingly belligerent (JerSean) and catty (Head Homo) team. Yaaaay Dawn!!

Also, the same game wins the Guinness World Record for the longest bowling game in the history of all time. In between all of the incoherent yelling (it was like a South Park episode - I could barely get quotes between the "Ruhhrruuhrr!!! RUHRRRHRR!!" from Korpacz and JerSean, and high-pitched enthusiasm from Red Dawn), and the extended smoke breaks, and the reminiscing of events of this weekend, there was a lot less bowling than socializing. And yelling. Not to mention the turducken incident, of which no one is sure how it got started. Or how it got connected to Holly's house and the Sandwiches incident. Or how Oprah got involved.

Not to mention the amount of bowling balls being thrown about. Between JerSean angrily kicking his ball around on the floor, to Korpacz and JerSean throwing their balls at each other, to Camilla finally lifting up two balls to her crotch area and humping Christopher with them, you might say we've gotten a little too comfortable with the bowling alley. Also, we've most likely (by "we" I mean "JerSean") broken the ball return. Or several of them.

Thank god the playoffs are here. Next week is perhaps the most important game of the season - at least for the bottom four teams. 3 Hole Surprise has snuck up on the number one spot - just like last season, De-Recking Ball Kind has held back until the clutch moment - and his team earned a BYE, as well as my team, Tonight We Strike!, who sealed the number two spot last night with a 3 game sweep! against XXX Productions. Alex Katz, that's right, Lappy beat you - if you had been there, you might have won. Just sayin'.

So next week, 3 Hole Surprise and Tonight We Strike! will be relaxing, playing a "fun" game (aka for money $$), while the other four teams must fight in the wildcard game for their spot in the playoffs. JerSean's Designated Drivers face off against Straight...and Hard for the second week in a row - that first game proved they are capable of beating them, if only they can focus on playing rather than drinking and fighting (or at least channel their anger towards the other team rather than against inanimate objects). No pressure, guys, but that would mean the Karate Kid DID come true, but in this case, the karate kid is a drunken belligerent JerSean LePaulsen. Maybe it's Major League instead? To bring the Charlie Sheen comparison full circle? JerSean is winning!

Also, XXX Productions will play All Hale Thee Finns, which is a hard match-up to call - especially given their spotty attendance records. With Hale possibly gone forever in MasterChef land, this is XXX Productions' chance to take back their early season advantage -- but then again, Big Boss Man and Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid could also be m.i.a. But Chumsys has been boning up on her ball skills in the Motherland...there are a lot of balls up in the air here. Big ones.

One last announcement - with the regular season at a close, I would like to point out the Most Reliable Players Awards, aka Perfect Attendance. Those nerds...ahem, dedicated players, are:
Double E
Jerrycurl
Greg Ice Berg
The LH Assassin (aka Christopher Harris)
Brofman (including Valentine's Day, when his team wasn't even playing - he came just for fun!)
Jesse
Samsonite, aka Alex Katz's nemesis (Kyle Swanson)
Wes

You will get your perfect attendance! awards! with smiley stickers and gold stars! possibly at the end of the season partay. Details to be announced soon about date/time/place.

See you in the playoffs!!

-The Commish

EP 209

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EP 208

Quotes of the night:

"Sorry, I'm not used to throwing money at strippers - I mean, commissioners." -Head Homo, while throwing the league treasury at my head

"That's his dragon ball. Right next to his dragon penis!" - Head Homo (re: Santa, the real owner of Dragonball)

"Chris, have you ever been to Planned Parenthood? It's a great place to pick up chicks." - Mike Hale

"I couldn't care less what my team does as long as Straight and Hard loses." - Hale

Amazing strike by Chris Harris, aka the LH Assassin: he falls halfway down the lane and still makes it!
"It should be a foul. Didn't know we were playing by prison rules." - Hale

"I think we need to start running pelcos." - Kevin Finn

"We need live loggers." -Brofman

"Elizabeth the shit outta that!!" - Head Homo (hit your stride!!)

"Alex looks like he's 20 years older than the rest of us!!!" - JerSean
"Put that pen down!!" - Alex Katz to me

"The reindeers are waiting, Santa." - Double Ee

"F U U U C C C K K K K" - JerSean hits the ball return really, really hard. "Fuck."

"Statistically, I don't do well with the lights off." - Hale

"Sloop!! Sloop a Loop!!" - Alex the PA to Sloop John B

"JerSean lost his virginity to the Verve!!" - Red Dawn, Hols to the Wall, Head Homo
"NO!! NO!! NO!! NO!! The Verve, who's the fucking Verve!!" - JerSean

"Isn't that song only 3 minutes long?" - Head Homo
"It only took 30 seconds, bro. Who we trying to kid here?" -JerSean

"That's a bittersweet symphony right there!" - Head Homo

"As long as he doesn't throw up on me right now, we'll revisit this later." - Alex Katz, re: new feud with JerSean
"Do you want to get thrown up on!!?? Dede, can we get some warm beer out here??" - JerSean

JerSean's answer to why he was yelling in Alex Katz's face:
"That (bleeping bleeper) got close in the third game. I can't even talk about this without getting warmed up. It's so fucking hot in here!! To make a long story short, we're gonna have a grudge match until the end of the season. I mean, he's top 20, I'm top 40, and he still comes close??? That f-ing (bleep) son of a bitch motherf-er. Mother fucker!! (Bleeeeep)"
Christine: "I could watch this all day."(JerSean throws his coat down in anger.) "I mean, he told his jacket where to go."

"I'm not getting in there unless you have Bittersweet Symphony!!" - JerSean, as Double E attempts to drive him home

HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT AND HARD GOING DOWN FASTER THAN A CHARLIE SHEEN HOOKER

I'll get to the headline news shortly. First off, to address JerSean LePaulsen. In the first half of the night, I was eagerly straining my ears for some quoteworthiness from JerSean, but I was getting nothing. All I heard was some variation of, "What?? Are you kidding me?? Fuck that pin!! Are you kidding me?? WHAT??? Fuck that pin!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? FUCK!!" I started getting a sense of deja vu - where had I heard this before?

Cara Castranuova.

That's right. Xtine and I made a revelation that JerSean, much like our harpy-voiced new trainer, has taken to relying on yelling a few key phrases to make it through the night (slash workout). "Suck it up! Harder! Harder! Suck it up!! Like you mean it!! You're a fighter!! Fight it out to the end!! Harder! Harder!" and so on, and so forth. However, after extensive Jennie notes to go into JerSean's backstory, story team Head Homo, Red Dawn, and Hols to the Wall made an amazing discovery - JerSean lost his virginity to the song "Bittersweet Symphony." We are currently building a :30 package with flashbacks and pictures that now must be used and referenced in every episode--ahem, bowling night--from this point forward. Ashley is working on clearing the song, but seeing as the Rolling Stones might object, Ah2 is doing a quick ripoff that will sound very similar to Little Hero.

As for the other JerSean story to follow - he is now $200 in the hole to Alex Katz. Carrying over a feud that started in fantasy basketball, JerSean and Katz will be putting 100 beans on the line every Monday night from this point forward. This might be better than the Derek/Lappy bet - more money, plus JerSean gets really, really into feuds. By the way, if you were curious about the bleeps above, for some reason, I feel kinda uncomfortable calling my boss a "c----s----." Also, I couldn't write fast enough to catch all of the expletives.

Onto the headline! Straight...and Hard has started taking the drug called Charlie Sheen, and it is not working out as well as their other drug use. In spite of the tiger blood running through their veins, their rein of terror on the league has officially been cancelled. The 5 and a half men have been tied for first, and according to recent NASDAQ reports, their stock is definitely trending down, down, down. Sell now. Sell fast. Sell hard. As for their progress in their Female-Awareness-and-Sensitivity Campaign (FAASC), they are trending upwards. They've moved from the phallic phase (all male, all the time), past the V phase (where they simply referred to their female player as "Vagina"), straight to the mother phase (Christine is now their "Momma Bear.") They sure are moving through Freud's stages of development quickly.

As for more high-brow references, the play was the thing last night. Or rather, the lights were the thing, where we caught the conscience of the person who called the bowling alley last week and asked to keep the lights on. (Sorry, I am not Shakespeare). Much like Hamlet, I purposely asked our friend Rick to turn the lights out last night, keeping close tabs on our two main suspects, Hale and Head Homo, to see how they would react. Me and Double E (aka Horatio) noticed that Head Homo's reaction was disproportionately loud and angry when the lights went out. Granted, so was Hale's, so really, we are no closer to the truth than before. But seeing as Head Homo threw an envelope at my head twice last night, I've decided he is the culprit, and shall be punished at some point in the future. I would punish Hale too, but his scores are punishment enough. (zing!)

One last thing! JerSean's Designated Drivers, long the Bad News Bears of this league, are finally trending upwards! After a tough win last night against XXX Productions (Dan Reid, where are you??), coupled with their tie and win the previous week against heavyweight 3 Hole Surprise, it's official - this team is no longer in dead last place! Finally, Red Dawn's sunshine morning has broken.

With one team moving up, another team has moved down - and its players appear to have given up. Hale, perhaps making a point about his beloved lights being turned out, purposely threw gutterballs and/or chucked the ball down the lane without caring for the rest of the night. Double E turned bitter and angry, alternately yelling at people for delaying the game, and then fraternizing with other teams rather than her own. Only Santa remained cheerful and jolly, but then again, he is Santa. I'm starting to think that Double E is not Daniel-san, but perhaps Luke Skywalker, turning to the dark side with Hale and his pessimism (I don't know if that actually happens in Star Wars, but it sounded good to me. Plus, you'll be outed as a nerd if you disagree.)

Ok! Two more games left in the regular season. Next week, All Hale Thee Finns play JerSean's Designated Drivers, Tonight We Strike! plays 3 Hole Surprise (yikes!), and XXX Productions plays Straight...and Hard (come on, porn!). I will not be here next week because I'm heading to Australia on vacay. I don't know if I'll have email access, so I....um...thinktherewon'tbearecapnextweekomgi'msorry. I will be back on the 14th. Be strong, league. Be strong.

G'day, mates.
-The Commish

EP 207

Quotes of the night:

"Is this a quoting league, or a bowling league??" - Lappy, angry when I get distracted

"I'm bowling worse than Christine right now!" - Jesse, followed by, "NO!! STOP WRITING!!!"

"You're all stretching??" -Double E to her team, during the warmup

"God can't always be on our side." - Brandon to Jesse

Brandon rolls a 9. "Dammit, I'll see you in the car."

"Where's my sister, let's fucking make out!!" - JerSean
"I think I know why he got kicked out of the club on Saturday," says me

"I hate that the lights won't go off tonight. Now I can't hide my drunkenness," Jesse, very sad

"Don't write that shit down!!" - Jesse

"Who do I need to felashe around here to get a strike??" - Lappy

"Damn girl, pull out the rag!!" - Sexy Anne Frank to a moody Double E
"Are you serious?? Are we ghetto middle schoolers??" -Double E

HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT...AND HARD GOES LIMP

As you can see by the first quote, I was definitely not on my quote game last night - I was sadly lacking in JerSean coverage. I can only imagine what I missed, what with a tie game, followed by a possible dance-off, followed by JerSean daring John B to throw his ball at him, followed by JerSean bonding with/harassing the high schoolers in the lane beside him. By the way, at the end of the night, I saw some stranded sneakers, and I asked the kids if they were theirs- the girl goes, "Those are JerSean's." Does Sean Paulsen even exist anymore, or has JerSean taken over full time? And whose bright idea was it to let Chaka Khan and Eddie Winslow bowl beside JerSean LePaulsen? With no fence in between? Rumor has it that Chaka has issued a restraining order against "that screaming man with the hair sticking up", but this could not be confirmed at press time.

As for being on my bowling game last night, well....my team certainly was. In spite of various evil tactics used by Sensei Roberts and "Johnny" Drollette, all that Straight...and Hard managed to do was give themselves some severe performance anxiety. "Um....just wait til the second game, baby, I swear, this never happens to me. (pause) Ok, so not the second game...but just give me like five minutes, hang on, the third game, I swear. Why are you putting your clothes on?? Oh yeah, yeah, I got this....baby? Baby??" Ok, disgusting mental pictures aside, the gist is that we beat the sticky stuff out of those bastards the first two games, but then we lost our grip in the third. Meanwhile, after vigorous work in parked cars and severe forearm strain, Straight...and Hard finally managed to get it up in the third and prevent us from taking the number one spot. I don't know about you, but I feel dirty after playing them. We won't see them until we cream them in the playoffs, I guess. (Cream, get it?? Sigh....)

Oh, and by the way? How did I miss Miss Congeniality herself bowling a 184??? That is the best female score to date!! Maegamyte, it's time to come back from New Zealand and claim your throne, cause Red Dawn is blazing a path down the bowling lane, fued only by pure sunshine.

As for the biggest controversy of the night - somebody took Kanye's words to heart and turned up the lights last night. That's right, there was no disco bowling last night. After brutal waterboarding of Chris, the guy behind the counter, and Scott, the creepy guy who is a manager, I got no closer to the culprit. Scott took me aside and accused Hale (aka, "the guy in the green hat"), but then his case was weakened when he also pointed out Lappy in the line-up. He claimed they "came up to the counter together last week and asked for the lights to be turned off." First of all, they would never do anything together, being as they are bitter rivals, second, Lappy is the only advocate of keeping the lights off. Signs point to Head Homo, who wasn't there for his own trial, due to some lame ass excuse, I'm sure, and combined with the fact that he has recently been fired as bowling league treasurer and made off with last season's treasury, I'm willing to prosecute. Guilty until proven innocent, Head Homo - did you or did you not call someone and ask them to keep the lights on last night??? Unless it was Chaka Khan??

Oh yeah, and that other game (sorry guys :). Big Boss Man and Broman, barely holding together their flailing porn company, nevertheless easily beat All Hale Thee Finns 2 games to 1. They two-timed Hale until he could barely bowl straight - so I guess this disproves Hale's theory that "he'd bowl much better with the lights on!" What is with these guys and the pressure??

While I do have fun both with the lights on and the lights off (interpret as you will), I think we should go back to regular disco bowling - I don't think the lights on made any difference either way, and I think we could all use some kinder lighting by that time of night. Especially Jesse.

Ok, see you all next week - hey, Hollie, Hundgen, and those who FORGOT that bowling was last night (!!!!) - there's this thing we do, on Monday nights. It's called Biggest Loser bowling, maybe you've heard of it? Do you need the address? Sarcasm aside, we only have three more regular season games (except for XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise - don't forget, your makeup game needs to be schedule next week).

Next week, Tonight We Strike! plays All Hale Thee Finns, 3 Hole Surprise plays Straight...and Small...I mean, Hard, and XXX Productions plays JerSean's Designated Drivers (Alex Katz, I apologize in advance). Also - XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise -- you need to pick a day that week that works for both teams to make up your other game. Side emails will resume.

-The Commish

EP 206 (photos to come)

Quotes of the night:

"They brought me Godiva. It's like they're trying to get in my pants." - Christine
--"Not that they could, " she adds

"Sweep the leg!" - Straight & Hard. Over and over. And over.

"I just realized I paid Jesse $30 for this t-shirt!! That's a manicure AND a pedicure!" - Christine

"You're the best - around! Nothing's gonna ever keep ya down!" - the loudspeakers at El Dorado

"This team takes this way too fucking far! Uncle Rico never went this far with Napoleon! Sweep this, motherfuckers!" --(paraphrasing) Mike Hale as he rips off his shirt to reveal another underneath that illustrates his point

"We will sweep them." -Korpacz

"No one tries to out-t-shirt us. No one." - Christine

"Those were the good old days, back when bowling was fun and not an annoying sport with Brandon." - Head Homo, reminiscing about high school

"You think they just give that title to anyone??!!" - Head Homo, re: his Head Homo title

"We've been really f-ing boring. Except for me and Christine talking about our holes all the time." - Double E

"V does not stand for vagina!! It stands for valentine!!" - Christine, clearly delusional about her team's "cute" nickname for her

"Why they gotta play the best shit when I'm not bowling??" Korpacz, re: Prince's "Kiss"

"Where did our creep go?" - Me (see attached pic)
"I don't know, but he left all his creepy stuff here!" - Christine (re: Jackie Earle Haley, our superfan)

"Cobra Kai is our alias, like Makaveli for Tupac." - Brandon


So...apparently, we are still in the middle of the Karate Kid, where the evil Cobra Kai is still winning all their battles by showing that defeat does not exist, because the bad guys won last night, and remain in their damn first place spot. Straight...and Hard struck first, struck hard, no mercy by sweeping (the leg) all three games against Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi, aka Double E, Mike Hale and the rest of the Finns. Sorry - there were many auditioning for the role of Daniel-san, but Double E proved she wanted it most when she secretly stole the Cobra Kai t-shirts that Jesse had foolishly had delivered to the office. Who checks the fedex, Jesse? Who?? Apparently, underdog victories only exist in PG movies and Biggest Loser episodes. They had the formula down - they were losing the first game, and then the song came on, and Mike Hale made a dramatic speech (if nonsensical) and ripped off his shirt, and the tide should've turned, but actually, I think All Hale Thee Finns bowled their worst game of the night after that gesture. So....maybe we need to rethink what story we're telling this season of BL Bowling, cause it's certainly not something sweet, like Rudy. Perhaps it's that nice guys finish last, and Tonight We Strike! will beat Straight...and Hard next week? (although we're not really that nice if we're including myself and Lappy....)

Also of note - don't think for one second that I was fooled by your pathetic, over-the-top gesture last night, Straight...and Hard. Much like if Mel Gibson were to throw a bar mitzvah, Straight...and Hard thought they could make up for an entire season of misogyny by showering their female player, Christine, with Godiva chocolate and a valentine's cake on Valentine's Day. How sweet. Let me put it this way, guys, if Michael Vick were to open a rescue shelter for pitbulls, would you trust his motives? Yeah. Didn't think so. Sometimes overcompensating is worse. That's what she said. Re: penises.

As for the other game, Tonight We Strike! also triumphed in a 3 game sweep, but we kinda felt bad about it. The Designated Drivers have officially become the new Bowled and the Beautiful - without the poisonous Roberts attached, it doesn't feel right to beat them, especially since they were all high-fiving us the entire game, and Dawn will easily win Miss Congeneality for the season. She is so positive! I mean, I'll take it, cause we're now in 2nd place, but I do feel conflicted. If it weren't for Christopher, Head Homo, I would feel worse, but he continues to be the catty bastard we all love (in spite of his seriously lackluster bowling this season. Is he juicing at all????) We fully deserved our victory, seeing as Lappy bowled a motherfucking 243. Did you catch that?? 243!! Once again, Lappy has hit his mid-season stride and become unstoppable. He now resides a good 10 pins above the rest, firmly in his number one spot.

Ok! So next week, those teams who lost their balls this week will regain them, and join us as 3 Hole Surprise plays the Designated Drivers, XXX Productions plays All Hale Thee Finns, and the Bad Guys play the Best Guys, aka Straight and Hard vs. Tonight We Strike! God I hope we beat those bastards. Also, we may have some special guest alternates - Mike Bary, Andy, and possibly Frank will be joining us next week to help out XXX Productions and any other teams that are missing players.

As a final note, there are pictures and stats attached. Be sure to check out our resident stalker, captured in the background of Christopher's close-up. We all know why that guy was at the bowling alley. Creepy creep creep.


-The Commish

EP 205

Quote of last week that applies to this week:

"If a quote was said and the Commish didn't hear it, did it exist?" - JerSean

So....obviously, no quotes of the night last night, seeing as I was busy getting some on my anniversary. TMI, in your faces! Not to mention the fact that our top quote-makers, Head Homo, JerSean LePaulsen, and Brandon "Hussein" Roberts were all absent, and therefore, the quotes may have been lackluster anyway. Also, as proved by the blatant and frankly, degrading, quote-mongering that was occurring the week before, it serves you all right. Quotes are best gotten when no one is aware that it's happening, or even better, if the person who said it instantly regrets it a moment later. Kinda like reality tv interviews, no?

Speaking of missing games - apparently, there has been a lot of concern about next week's game, which falls on Valentine's Day. I'm under a lot of pressure to cancel, by a bunch of men, no less, who are clearly v-whipped, and also by the fact that a lot of our players will be out of town - New Zealand, a WATN shoot, Camilla is doing mysterious things (and possibly mysterious men) in the South of France, it's all very sad (except for the Camilla part). Also, rumor is that Sexy Ann Frank could be sexy sexing some BBD that night, but that's completely fabricated by Brandon Roberts, who enjoys alienating women. So - there will be a side email with the team captains - I'll let you know if your team is playing by the end of this week, or if they are lacking in testicles.

As for bowling - it was a clean sweep for all three games, with my team, Tonight We Strike! bringing the down the union hammer forcefully upon XXX Productions, who now comically has the record of 6-9 (appropriate for a porn company, no?). Hopefully, I still have my job, in that I pulled a Christine last night (I'm the lowest scoring player on my team, and I didn't make it, and then my team won - against Big Boss Man). Broman has slunk down to the number three spot in individuals, while "The Ringer" has claimed the number two spot, in spite of having zero ability to perform under pressure. Hopefully, this only relates to bowling, and not his personal life? Anyways, Maegamyte bowled a heckuva game, but my team was ridiculously amazing, wonderful, and strong, much like the M.C. that I received last night. For clarification, please see Jesse or Brandon, but I warn you, you'll regret it.

So the Ringer has finally made it to the number two spot, but alas, his team was not with him. They remain in second-to-last place, even after an almost underdog victory tale - Double E, who nearly missed bowling last night because of some lame-ass birthday party, came in to save the day in the last game of the night. They needed 18 to win, 17 to tie in the last frame. They'd already lost the game, but at least they'd have their dignity, right? Her first ball? A gutterball. Second? A spare! 10 pins! Only 8 to go! She could do that, right? Nope. She got 5 pins, and her team lost by two pins. Her second e has been revoked until further notice.

As for Straight...and Hard, the unexpected heroine of the night was none other than their least appreciated player, Christine Owen. Without their misogynistic team leader, Christine blossomed under the tutelage of second-in-command Jesse, who advised her to "use her lizard brain!" when the lights went out. Although he was clearly stoned out of his mind, Christine responded by bowling the game-winning spare, and poo-poo-ing in the face of those who implied that Straight...and Hard can only win without her (don't worry, her poo-poo has been properly sanitized). However, it does not go unnoticed by Fox News that this performance took place minus "Vince Lombardi" Roberts, whose method of berating and lacking faith in his one female team member clearly does not fly with Ms. Owens. She needs a gentler touch, not so straight and hard, methinks. Next week, she could just as easily choose a nice bubble bath and a manicure over bowling if her needs are not properly met. Perhaps Roberts should send her a valentine card? Just a thought.

So as you all are debating next week - candlelit dinner with significant other or disco-lit bowling and fries with Dede? Possible sexual activities or definite drunken activities? Here is who you are all up against:

Tonight We Strike! vs. JerSean's Designated Drivers
All Hale Thee Finns vs. Straight and Hard
3 Hole Surprise vs. The Unknowns

Stats attached, courtesy of Lappy (who remains number one - plus he's on the best team ever!!!)

-The Commish

EP 204

Quotes of the night:

"Bowl it straight!" - JerSean to Head Homo
"I can't!!" - Head Homo
"Head Homo is incapable of bowling straight!" JerSean

"Just drink your beer, eat your rice, and fucking bowl." - Derek to Reina

"They're picking up people off the street!! Who is this guy??? I want to see an ID badge!! I don't believe he really works here!!"
-Alex Katz re: his new arch nemesis, Kyle Swanson

"I'm so high right now. It's great cause when the pins go down, the lights blow up." -Brandon

"I hate that guy - he'll never work on my show." - Alex Katz re: Swanson
"Does he know he already works on BL?" (whispers Christopher Harris to me)

"There's an obvious difference in our balls!!" Double E to Head Homo
"Ya think?" -Head Homo

"Sexy Anne Frank didn't get laid this weekend." - observes Tucker (her second game wasn't so good)
"Sarah Scotti's bowling is directly affected by her sex life." -Mike Hale

"Are you hunting for gay turkeys?" - Red Dawn to Head Homo
"Aren't they all gay? Cockgobblers, anyone? - Head Homo. (to me) "Are you writing this down?? It's gold, I tell you!!"

"Double E ran out of E! Someone get this girl some ecstasy! Double E is an uptown girl with a ticket to downtown!!" - JerSean LePaulson

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you." -Double E to Head Homo
"I'm gay." -Head Homo

"That's why they give me two tries!!" - Camilla after rolling a gutterball, doing a little shimmy dance

"Oh, right, fucking high-five with the guy I've never seen before in my life!!!" - Alex Katz to JerSean, who just high-fived Kyle Swanson

"Christine is dead to me. She just lost an episode." - Alex Katz

"If Scott says he sucks or he's the worst player on his team again, I swear to god, I'm calling his wife and telling her to make him come home every Monday" - Angry Lappy. (sees me writing it down) "That's not quote-worthy, that's fact."

"It's like mixing sex with cyanide. It's making me hate something I love." -Jesse, re: the horrible, horrible music being played last night.
and then:
"This might be the best fucking song they played all night." - Jesse, re: Step by Step by NKOTB


I felt like last night, I accidentally stepped into a kindergarten classroom. People were tattling on each other, crying, Kevin Finn was wearing a diaper on his head, it was chaos. I'm gone for one week, one week! and look what I come back to. I'm like the teacher who was out sick one day and comes back to the kids painting the walls and peeing their pants. I almost had to put both Kevin Finn and Head Homo in time out! Don't make me take your quotes away, cause I will.

This week marked the first time the league has actually had to take steps to regulate juicing. Congress has recently been cracking down on me - I've tried to protect you all, but ever since Brandon "Conseco" Roberts brought it to my attention in his recently published tell-all book, Juiced: Wild Times in Biggest Loser Bowling, I've been forced to take action. I turn a blind eye to juicing during the week & juicing during the off-games, but when people are shooting up while they are in the middle of a game??? This cannot happen. I've got the Secretary of Fairness breathing down my neck, and I don't want to have to suspend some of our best bowlers -- or rather, our most entertaining bowlers. I'm looking at you, Kevin Finn & Head Homo. NO JUICING WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING A LEAGUE GAME. Or I will kick your ass out of this league, so help me god.

This week also brought us a new and highly entertaining rivalry - for those who didn't read the quotes, that would be Alex "Big Boss Man" Katz vs. Kyle "I'm a PA!" Swanson. Kyle has, on the DL, been steadily climbing up the individual rankings - while everyone else was distracted by the whole Lappy-Brofman-Hale triangle, Kyle has quietly slipped into fourth place in a tie with last season favorite, De-Recking Kind. Not to mention that he's managed to piss off the most powerful man in BL Sports, "Fluffy Puritan" Katz. As of press time, Swanson still had a job, but then again, I have yet to see him this morning.....

Continuing their slide into LeBron James territory, Straight...and Hard has weaseled themselves into the first place spot in the league - at the expense of becoming the most hated team. Let's hope the rest of the league unites in preventing them from "taking their talents" to the championships. Their latest villainous act? For fear of being accused of being Fox News again, I will phrase the accusations in question form, and let the league decide. For instance, isn't it interesting that the day that they are playing the best team in the league, the former number one spot, if you will, just so happens to be the day that they convince Christine, the only girl on the team, that she shouldn't worry about coming all the way from Ohai tonight! What a bother that would be! You should just go home, get some rest, you worked too hard today! And this would be the same night that they sweep the entire squad of The Unknowns (now XXX Productions - see paragraph below), who, based on league rules instituted and advocated by Secretary of Fairness Brandon Roberts, were forced to play everyone on their team twice, a squad that includes Camilla, admittedly the lowest average in the league? (sorry Chumsys, it won't last :). It's just interesting, that's all. How high up do their machinations go? Did they brainstorm the creative with Lubin for Christine's episode? Did they speak with the line producers in making the house in Ohai, rather than the far more convenient location of Malibu? How come Brofman, Christine's partner, somehow made it to the game? These are just questions, that's all. Just food for thought.

Anyways, the last topic at hand - the Unknowns unveiled themselves in week 4, and...I have to say, it was a bit of a letdown. Much like the girl who waited too long to have sex with her boyfriend, the anticipation was better. I kinda like their old nicknames better than the new porn names (although Camilla as Isaac Chicago is pretty funny, mainly cause of the gender switch. I imagine her smoking cigars now). The shirts are AMAZING though. The entire staff of El Dorado was aflutter about the shirts -- Dede totally wants one, p.s. I think we all do. Just to clarify, The Unknowns will now be known as XXX Productions - here are the old vs. new nicknames, but personally, I think they should stick with the old ones - they won more games.
Percy Sunrise - Brofman (formerly "Broman")
Fluffy Puritan - Alex Katz (formerly "Big Boss Man")
Suki Seeder - Maegan (formerly "Maegamyte")
Yogi Walnut - Hundgen (formerly "Hundjourno")
Atlas Franklin - Dan "Motherfing" Reid (also formerly "Reid My Lips")
Isaac Chicago - Camilla, formerly "Chumsys"

Ok - that takes care of business - except for my new favorite nickname, credit goes to Rodney - M. Night Shyam. The nickname gave Shyam a "Sixth Sense" score of 181 - let's hope he doesn't end up with a "The Last Airbender" type score by the end of the season. It's a surprise ending!! again....

Next week, we're all playing the one team we haven't played yet - we're at the halfway mark. It's the ultimate trifecta of rivals next week - Brofman and Katz vs. Lappy when Tonight We Strike! plays XXX Productions. Straight...and Hard hopefully gets bent by the Designated Drivers (not likely, but I like to root for the underdog), and All Hale Thee Finns plays 3 Hole Surprise.

New stats attached.

--The Commish, aka Bill O'Reilly

EP 203

Quotes of the night:

From Meegan, aka Double E:

"Ho Ho Ho." Matt Gallagher aka Santa Claus

"Who got laid this week?" Motha Tucka
"I did. I did." Sexy Anne Frank

"What are you, like her rottweiler?" Double E in reference to Derek's protectiveness over Sexy Anne Frank
"I'm like her very own attic." Derek

"Those pins have been naughty Santa." Double E

"Could you guys have more splits?" Lappy
"Yeah, we're gettin split f***ed." Jesse

"All you can do is fuck the split back." Jesse

"This game's tighter than a virgin's vagina." Sexy Anne Frank

"I don't throw splits. It's not my thing." Finn

"Why is it always the middle pin?!?" Double E
"Because God hates you." Lappy

"Nine pins is as bad as blue balls." GI Joe

"You can suck on my ice cubes." An injured Motha Tucka who bowled the best game of his life.

"You hydrated, right?" Santa
"With beer." Double E

"You only need two pins. Don't mess it up you f***er." Chris Orne to Sean Paulsen on the last frame of the night. Paulsen proceeded to throw a gutter ball.

"So what's the secret weapon?" Double E
"I'll pull it out later. And no it's not my penis." Hale


From Lappy:
Meegan and Sara Scotti continued to turn the area between lanes into a god damn dance party... and late in Game 3 when Meegan was once again leading the charge and stomping us, a frustrated Lappy turned to Shyam and
said:
"Jesus Christ, it's like she's dancing on our grave"

From JerSean LePaulsen:
"Is Dawn brushing her ass off?" -JerSean to Head Homo
"Wouldn't you with an ass like that?" -Head Homo to JerSean
"Yeah, actually." -JerSean

"Are you kidding me? FUCK THAT Two pins......." -JerSean's voice trailing off, as he realizes he must change his team's catchphrase; as Hollie bowls a split leaving only the corner pins.

"Piranha likes the taste of blood in the water more than the taste of losing." -JerSean to anyone within earshot, as Piranha throws an early Game 2 strike after getting blown out of game 1.

"I have never been more sexually attracted to you than right now!" -Head Homo to JerSean; After picking up the split for the spare, JerSean thrusts his hips forward and makes the "Fuck It" motion with his hands...

"You bit down on that pin like it she was some Brazil-Argentine woman wading in the river." -JerSean to Piranha after another scoring frame, Game 2.

From Hols to the Wall:
"I'm so hardcore that I changed my bra before I came." - Hollie

Head Homo warns Christine that she's getting too close to the wood on the lane, she's needs to get off it (or something like that)
Christine: "I rarely get off the wood."

From Greg Berg:
Double E after bagging her turkey:
"I'm so happy! I never knew bowling could make me so happy!"


So....even though I wasn't there last night, I did have some guest bloggers/quote takers in the house, so I feel like we're pretty covered. I won't have the full stats until tomorrow, so you'll just have to deal with the recaps today.

As far as I can tell, the heroine of the night was clearly DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! Not only did she bowl the best game of her life (157), but she also kept amazing quote notes - and most impressively, wrote them on little scraps of paper (see attached picture). JerSean Le Paulsen also gets an honorable mention - although most of the quotes he kept track of were his own, I must say that I wish I was in the office when he had his roommate reading his summary over the phone to him. If that's not a team player, I don't know what is.

Here are the game recaps from our special guest recappers!

Tonight We Strike! vs. All Hale Thee Finns
As per Lappy:
GAME 1
Both teams fired out of the gate strong and it looked like this would be a good
game, but just past the halfway point, Tonight we strike began throwing up
strikes and spares like it was their job. Meanwhile, All Hale Thee Finns
couldn't buy a spare. Suddenly in the 8th frame, the game changed again, while
the Strikers slumped, the Finns turned it on, specifically Double E. Before I
knew it, Double E had rolled three strikes in a row, then topped off the last
part of the 10th with a spare, finishing with a 157. But alas, the strikers
weren't out of it yet, with two strikes and an 8, Lappy could triumphantly bring
victory to the strikers... it didn't happen.

GAME 2
Another seesaw battle, Greg Berg and Chris Harris shined, Lappy was below
average but good enough, and the Finns really struggled. Game 2 to the
Strikers. The highlight of this game happened at the start. Mike Hale steps up
to the lane which is now shrouded in blacklight and lasers, and proceeds to
throw and absolute shit fit, complaining about the lights, not being able to see
the arrows and just being fed up with it. (causing Lappy to look at him in
disgust and say, "Are you fucking serious?"). Then, from out of nowhere, Hale
screamed for his secret weapon... and Finn presented him with... NIGHT VISION
GOGGLES. Yes, night vision goggles. WIth his new found optical weaponry, Hale
strolled up confidently to the lane... and threw it in the gutter. Apparently
you can skimp when it comes to seeing in the dark.

GAME 3
Not much to say here, Greg Berg was the stud of the team again, Lappy floundered
again, Chris Harris solid again, but none of it mattered. Mike Hale FINALLY
gave the fans reason as to why he was the projected number 1 seed with a 215,
Tucker rolled a career high 150-something and the whole Finns team kicked ass.
Game 3 to the Finns

As per Mike Hale (who can now officially call himself "The Ringer")

DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E

Sure enough, the sole reason all hale the fins won 2-3 games was because of......DOUBLE E

Game 1 was close with the ringer deciding to suck balls and roll an embarassing 137, i swear if my father saw that he'd make me change my last name. With what was looking to be a lost cause "all hale the finns" came storming back with Double E bowling the game of her life, not only scoring a turkey but leading the team with the high score of the game with a 157.

Game two started off with some drama as Mike Hale dropped his ball mid swing during the 1st frame and went off on a rant complaining about "cosmic bowling" and the lack of light and the goddam disco strobes causing his game to suffer....which makes no sense what so ever considering he bowled a league low 137 with the lights on. Anywho, Kevin Finn came to the rescue by bringing out "The Secret Weapon"......wait for it......wait even longer.....NIGHT VISION. The league stopped as Hale strapped on his newly aquired night vision googles and approached the lanes. With a "clear" view of the pins the ringer approached the lanes with more clarity than his summer lasik precedure.......all that said...he bowled a gutter bowl on his first throw.

The Night Vision Googles didnt help "all hale the fins" infact they made the team worse, as they lost game 2.

After dropping game 2 "all hale the fins" regrouped, Hale found is rythm, posting a 215, Tucker came in and bowled his best game of the season, and with the help of Santa posting a high score we completely dominated game 3 winning by a lot.

This post sucks, the end.

JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns

As per JerSean LePaulsen:

JDD's shoulda been much more nervous going into this - going up against the other team's arguably best bowlers....
Game 1 was a bloodbath - BroMan and Maegamite were really on their games, they beat the shit out of Jerry and our second best bowler - right now, we don't have a second best bowler. Seriously, our second best player is anyone that can get over 120.....A 120!!!!! JerSean sat out game 1, since his scores are terrible this season, and we wanted to see what the new kid, Head Homo, could do. The Unknowns were quiet, letting their strikes and spares do the talking. But in a rare show of sportsmanship, there were high-fives being exchanged all night between teams due to only 2 Unknowns showing up.
Commish - you have the scores, we got our asses kicked. Think it was JerryCurl and Piranha versus Maeg and Broffy. Whatever.

Game 2 was much more competitive, but JDD's win. JerSean comes off the bench to start Game 2 with 4 scoring frames. JerryCurl is catching fire, which with the alley oil, coulda been a bigger deal. But strike, strike, spare, spare, spare, I mean...he got better with the lights off!!! A breakthrough moment for him. Scoring in the dark. The Unknowns have an off-game, Maeg's started slow but started picking up the spares. Broffy was rolling great, and it got close down to the 10th frame. JerSean and JerryCurl versus Maeg and Broffy. I think JerryCurl came up big and won it for us, before JerSean had to bowl his 10th frame.

Game 3 was up for grabs. The Wild West. Hundgen swooped in to save the day and joined his team of Unknowns, making it now 3 vs. 5.
I don't remember anything about this game other than: JerSean had 3+ vodka tonics; our team was doing decent; Hundgen was having an off-game, come on it was his first game of the night, but that gave the DD's a chance. Commish, check the scores, but I think that Broffy great, we had countered Maeg's score, it all came down to newcomer. Hudgen's presence gave our team a chance. That third bowler score that would now count, could beat Hundgen and maybe make up the difference that Broffy had over Jerry. But nobody stepped up on the JDD's. Head Homo bowled his game of the night, JerryCurl did well, but nobody else stepped up when it mattered most. In the entire last frame, Hollz and Piranha and JerSean had the chance to win. But nope. We lost by 2. 2 FUCKIN PINS.

FUCK THOSE TWO PINS

And Last, and certainly Least Entertaining Recap of the Night!:
Straight...and Hard vs. Three Hole Surprise:

As Per Poopy Pants Roberts:

The series was tied 1-1. In the 3rd game, Straight and Hard bowled the best game of their young season (and 3rd best overall) with a 698 in large part because of Christine’s career high game of 133. However, 3 Hole Surprise put their collective moose cock in our pee hole (not the vagina hole) with the 2nd best overall game this season with 731 to win the night and take their share of first place with a 6-3 record.
Sorry but Patrick and I are swamped and this is the 47th thing in our list of priorities, and I just crossed it off. My name is Brandon and I am incredibly lame. And have a small penis.


And that's all folks! I'll send out the stats tomorrow.

This email has been Holocaust-free.
-The Commish

EP 202

Quotes of the night:

"I don't even like bowling, and I'm thinking about buying a ball." Alex Katz, who has clearly caught the bowling fever

"It's my equalizer. It keeps things equal." Dan Reid re: his amazing shirt that reads audio levels

"I think Kevin Finn should be tested for his HDHG levels." - Brofman
"His THC levels???" Jesse, who mishears and is very worried

"Don't despair - pick up the spare!" Dawn to JerSean

"Did you order the fog machine?" Will to me. "I guess they're thinking if they want to keep us here, they gotta upgrade?"

"I'm going Jewish!" JerSean LePaul, when inquired about his t-shirt (JerSean's shirt has picture of a pig that says, "Don't eat me!")
"Sexy Anne Frank will like that." -Derek
"I'm not kosher, I'll eat that shit up!" - Sexy Anne Frank

"Where did you come from??" Kyle Swanson to Shyam after he bowls a 151 in game 2

"Is this the second week slump, like in BL? Cause I'm bowling like shit right now." - Maegamyte

"Sexy Anne Frank is bringing sexy back!" -Derek, when "Sexyback" comes on

"I'm doing so much better this week cause I had practice with actual balls this weekend!" Sexy Anne Frank re: man balls

Korpacz drops a glass, which shatters all over the floor. "Shit happens." (while kicking it under the ball racks)

"Brandon is the Hitler of this league." - Mike Hale

"Gobble Gobble!...almost." JerSean to Holly, who almost got a turkey

"DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E!" - All Hale Thee Finns, chanting

Korpacz leaps over chairs and the ball return to dramatically hug Brandon after a strike.
"Don't hurt your knee!" --Patrick Reina

"The bowling gods are testing us - who's got more resolve? I think we do." - Lappy, master of inspirational sports speeches


First off, I'd like to start with something I forgot to acknowledge last week - we have got some goddamn good nicknames this season. So far, my favorites are:
Big Boss Man, aka Alex Katz
GI Joe, aka Greg Cornejo
Hundjourno
MothaTucka
Reid My Lips (although I'm still planning on calling him Dan Motherf--ing Reid)
And my personal fave, Jerrycurl, for newcomer Jerry Meech

Speaking of newcomers, our latest recruits, farm league players Wes Ichishita and Shyam Balse (damn, they have hard names to spell), DOMINATED last night. Both came in strong with scores in the 150s, way up from their farm league averages (I think we thought Wes was like a 100???). Shyam fell off a bit in the last game, but Wes sweated his way through another 150, giving him a final average of a ballsy 149.5. The "Nightman" proves his stamina cometh in the evenings, just like his stringouts.

There were also some MAJOR shakeups in the individual rankings last night. Lappy came in and quickly took back his first place spot, bumping his broman Brofman to number two. He also banged Scott's wife. Dan Motherf--ing Reid proves he can play as good as he looks, taking the number three spot, as Mike "The Ringer" Hale continues his downward spiral to number 4. Maybe he should rethink the nickname. Another shocker that comes at us straight...and hard is Brandon Roberts now at a limp number 9, and fellow teammate Jesse Drollette is now a flaccid number 13. There clearly are some new cocks in the henhouse this season, with Wes"ley Sniper" Ichishita, Alex the PA, Jerrycurl Meech, and Kyle "Black Swan"son all beating them to the top. Brandon and Jesse are now bottoms, I guess?

You might notice that this recap is sadly lacking in JerSean LePaulsen'ness -- I apologize, but either JerSean was quieter than usual last night, or there was waaay too much Sexy Anne Frank between us, cause I got practically no quotes from him. Alex Katz did thank me profusely for the 4 lane buffer between himself and JerSean, however.

In terms of league scandals, the new Kingpin is actually Kerin Pinns, who bowled a questionable 208* in his first game, due to an error that gave him 4 strikes in a row. I completely blame those nameless bastards, the Unknowns, who didn't correct the mistake, but talked about it all night--I'm still kinda confused as to what really happened, something to do with him accidentally bowling for Maegamyte?? The repercussions are enormous - it affects his overall average and ranking, now at number 14 with a strong 132 average, not to mention it gave All Hale Thee Finns their first and only win of the season. All I can do is asterisk the hell out of this whole debacle, which will now be known as ********gate. (or Ass-teriskgate?)

Same story, different season - Brandon "Brutus/Hitler" Roberts has already begun his ethnic cleansing, shipping off the only female, Xtine Owen, on the train to Farm League-witz after a lackluster first game (88). Christine then took off her bowling shoes and asked to be traded, proceeding to turn her back on her team and watch the Lakers for the rest of the night (her manicure remained flawless). Not sure if things have been repaired in the light of day, but as of last night, Ms. Owen was ready to tell Straight...and Hard to shove something straight and hard up their assholes. Endquote.

Team Rankings! Thanks to Sexy Anne Frank's newly acquired ball-handling skills, 3-Hole Surprise sweeps the Designated Drivers 3 games to 0. Tonight We Strike! took the win, but only won 2 - Straight...and Hard cumshot them in the face by winning the last game and ruining a 3 game streak (and their makeup). The Unknowns, after the aforementioned ass-terisk game, won 2 to 1, making The Unknowns, Straight...and Hard, and 3 Hole Surprise all tied for first place (it's a three-way!). All Hale Thee Finns continues to struggle in last place, still waiting on their ringer to deliver the goods. (Hopefully not next week, cause that's when my team plays them.)

Next week, it's All Hale Thee Finns vs. Tonight We Strike!, JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns, and 3 Hole Surprise vs. Straight...and Hard. 5 on 5 action seemed to work, so we'll go with it for now. Oh! and this:

NEW RULE FOR NEXT WEEK: For teams with 6 players....no players may sit out two games. All players must play at least twice. How you choose to decide on that is up to team discretion. Hopefully, this will lead to less tears and poop in pants.

Stats attached.

Head Homo, where are you??????

-The Commish

EP 201

Quotes of the night:
Alex Katz to JerSean: "I thought you were good?"
JerSean: "At drinking!!"

"I don't come here to bowl. I come here to drink and get on the quote board. The bowling and the trophy were just icing on the cake." -JerSean

"No one takes this more seriously than those tards...so I'd love to beat 'em." --Mike Hale re: Straight...and Hard

"I've almost completed an entire game of bowling and I haven't chipped a nail!" -Christine (spoiler alert: the manicure lasts all night)

"What happened to your 200, bitch??" -Korpacz to Mike Hale

JerSean yelling incoherently at Alex Katz: "Don't be a newcomer and try to change the league!! Ohh, it's my first night, ohh!!"
Katz: "I stopped listening to him hours ago."
JerSean: "You were listening???"

"You are now one of his designated drivers!! You have to drive him home!!" - Korpacz to Al Rincones

"Don't talk like that about our farm league!! You have no idea!! All that's happening over there is the same old story - JerSean screaming, blah blah blah. Over in the farm league there's all kinds of new stories! We've never had a Wes before, we've never had a Goo before - whatever a Goo is!" - Christine on a rant (the farm league became the new Fitness Ridge to her)

"The louder we scream, the better we bowl." --Hollie re: the Designated Drivers

"JerSean's delivery is like a turtle spinning out a gallstone." - Rodney

"FALL, YOU WOBBLY BASTARD!!!!" - JerSean, screaming

"They're going down faster than a surfer in bed." - JerSean

Christine accidentally drinks out of Jesse's cup: "Do you have herpes?"
Jesse: "I only have anal herpes."
Christine: "Well, did you drink out of your ass??"

Alex Katz gets a spare as he walks away, not looking back. "Boom."

"He's not an alternate - he's an AL-ternate." Patrick Reina re: Al

"Just so everybody knows - when the lights were on, I bowled three strikes in a row." -Camilla, bragging


Opening night. 6 teams. 5 alternates. Numerous new balls. Lots of yelling. Biggest Loser Bowling is back like the clap!!

It all began with the presentation of the Dorado Cup, full to the brim with the classiest of beers (Miller High Life), presented by two blondes, and some lackluster clapping from the crowd (wow, we're kinda white trash, aren't we?) Sadly, Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid was not in attendance, but don't worry, JerSean poured one out for you over Korpacz's head.

Two teams clearly took the lead as the ones to beat - Brandon "Secretary of Fairness" (the quotes are on purpose) Roberts' extremely hetero team, Straight...and Hard, and quite unexpectedly....The Unknowns. Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night is that there's a new Kingpin in town...and it's not Mike Hale. It is none other than the guy who almost didn't come back this season -- SCOTT "BROMAN" BROFMAN.

We have no one else to thank but his wife, who managed to change Scott "The Mule"'s stubborn, stubborn mind by telling him in no uncertain terms - "get the f-- out of this house on Monday nights and bowl." His baby son then gave him the finger. And it truly will make things interesting this season, especially when former teammate/blood rival Michael "Lappy" LaPlante comes back in town next Monday. Was Scott holding back last year? Was the whole "I'm not bowling" thing a ruse? Was Mike Hale a red herring???

Speaking of Mike "The Ringer" Hale - in spite of rigorous juicing over the break, he's proven to have an Achilles heel - he does not play well under pressure. (Well, to be fair, for him, "not playing well" means he bowled a 159, so...yeah). Also, he is a poor, poor sport. He HATES losing. A small Eeyore-like cloud formed over his head during the first game, and rained angry clouds all night. He would have fit in very well with Tartar and the Tards last year, actually. His team got reamed this first night. Straight...and Hard. If Straight...and Hard manages to keep it up all season, they could easily plow through the rest of the league. They could potentially cream us all. This is just the tip of the amount of dick jokes I'm gonna be using with this team. (get it? ahh....)

As for the Unknowns, by Alex Katz actually showing up (!!) and Brofman getting his balls handed to him by his wife, they had a ridiculously stacked team. Maegamyte was in full force this season, coming out strong with a 133 average - I foresee an All-Star game in her future. She also got her first turkey in Biggest Loser bowling in the coveted last frame spot. They easily got a victory over former champion De-Recking Kind's 3 Hole Surprise. Not sure what the surprise was - is it that Derek's not gonna win this year? Ohhh, snap! I can't even imagine what's gonna happen when Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid comes back. S-E-X-Y! The only weak link in the chain is sadly, Camilla. Poor Chumsys. Much like the WB frog who only sings when no one's around, Chumsys can only perform when it doesn't count. Her amazing 114 in the farm league, translated to a measy 64 in the big leagues. It's ok, Camilla, even the pros choke when they make it to the majors. You'll get 'em next time!

To wrap things up - The Unknowns and Straight...and Hard are currently 3-0, leading the league. Straight...and Hard currently hold highest team score for the night (1575). Patrick "Bringin' the" Reina brought us this season's first turkey! "Broman" holds all three records - highest overall average (166.333333), highest single game score (186), highest overall score (499). Maegamyte easily takes the Queenpin crown. Head Homo is up for grabs (Christopher?? We miss you!!!). But things change fast in this league....and some things are changing next week....

In lieu of the amount of interest and dedication in our farm league, ALL FARM LEAGUE PLAYERS HAVE JUST BEEN BUMPED TO THE MAJORS. This is unprecedented in Biggest Loser Bowling history, but there will now be 6 players per team. That means we will now bowl teams of 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4. I must stress, though - this means we have to start playing at 8pm sharp, or we will not be able to bowl a full 3 games. This arrangement is on a trial basis for next week - we'll see what madness ensues, but goddamit, get there on time! I want you all drinking in the bar no later than 7:45pm and that's an order!!

Ok! Next week, it's:
All Hale Thee Finns vs. The Unknowns
JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. 3 Hole Surprise
Tonight We Strike! vs. Straight...and Hard.

Farm league assignments are as follows:
1. Al Rincones - JerSean's Designated Drivers
2. Matt Gallagher - All Hale Thee Finns
3. John Berardi - 3 Hole Surprise
4. Shyam Balse - Tonight We Strike!
5. Wes Ichishita - Straight...and Hard

Full stats attached.

That's how you write a story summary, Al. Snap!
-The Commish

EP 108

Quotes of the night:
"I'm not here to make headlines. I'm here to win." - JerSean LePaulsen

"Who the hell are all these people?" - Me, noticing an unprecedented amount of people in the bowling alley
"It's the championship, Commish, what'd you expect?" - JerSean LePaulsen

"We'll be here every Monday til we die!!" - Lil' Patrick

"Blow it up, Motherfucker!!" - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid (yelled in my face after a strike)

"Is it turkey time?? I'm gonna get a turkey right now, bitch!!" Maegan giving it to Dan Reid

After losing game 1: "The drinks have been wearing off." - JerSean LePaulsen

"Oh my god, D-Wrecking Ball is en fuego right now!!" -Brandon after Derek goes on to bowl 6 f--ing strikes in a row
"He just double-penetrated a turkey!!" - Christopher
"I think Derek is really hitting his stride." - Rodney
"Last time I checked, I didn't come here to suck Derek's dick, I came to win." - Lappy
("I came here to suck Derek's dick - that's why I come to work in the morning." - Christopher "Horny Orne")

"My high score's in jeopardy. That's all I have." - Will (very very sadly and quietly)

"FUCK!!! LET'S DO THIS!!" - Brofman after a spare

"You're outta here!! You're 86-ed!!!!" JerSean LePaul to Christopher after he tried to break up a fight between the champions

Waitress: "Last call."
JerSean: "Another vodka tonic!!"
Waitress: "Um, didn't you just order one?"
JerSean: "It's last call!!!"

Brandon: "Paulsen!! Did you just order a vodka tonic with a full one in your hand?
Paulsen (indignant): "They were closing the bar!!!"

"Average wait time for JerSean LePaulsen to throw the ball, 2-3 minutes. Seeing him pick up a spare -- priceless." - Christopher "Quotes a lot" Orne

"YOU RIDE THIS FUCKING WAVE!!! SPARE ME!!! SPARE ME, BABY!!!" - JerSean LePaul, screaming at teammate from 2 inches away
"He's right there." Christopher
"WHO'S THERE????" - JerSean

Brandon: "There is a God."
Christopher: "And his name is El Dorado Bowling Lanes."

Brandon: "This is the greatest sporting event of my life!!!
Christopher: "This is the greatest moment of my life!!"

In the parking lot after winning: "LOCAL BARS ARE GONNA GET FUCKED!!!" - JerSean (who else?)

"It's just bowling, right?" - Patrick


Sigh. I don't even want to write this today. They won. We lost. It really sucks. 8 Balls and a Split, champions of BL Bowling. Woo-hoo.

On the bright side, from an unbiased, non-losing team standpoint, this was easily the most amazing night of bowling in the history of the league - possibly in the history of the world (?). First off, definitely not a blow-out--this championship was really for the fans. After a ridiculously high-scoring first game from the Tards (Maegamyte and Bringin' the Reina especially), 8 Balls and a Split answered with an even more ridiculous game 2. Ratings began steadily climbing after De-Record-breaking Kind started the strike train in frame 2....and just kept going. Derek Kinda-the-best-player-ever, who has been quietly biding his time (and steadily losing $20 a week to Lappy), showed his NCAA roots last night. He is a true pressure player - and definitely MVP of the playoffs. Poor Will's record wasn't just broken, his heart (and spirit) were as well. Derek shattered not just Will's record, but multiple others as well - highest single game total, formerly 194, now a freaking 221!!!! 6 strikes in a row!!! Team highest game total of 611!!! I mean, where did he come from? (Wisconsin?) He also easily slides into the #2 bowler slot, lapping at Lappy's heels -- Lappy, who sadly proved (and it hurts to say it), that while he is still the Kingpin, he is not very kingly under pressure - losing his long-standing bet for the first time this season, when it mattered the most. Last night definitely proved that the season means nothing - all that matters is the playoffs.

Speaking of betting, Brandon "Hollywood Park" Roberts made an unprecedented number of gambles last night - he took on the entire stable of Hookers by making side bets with each of them (just to make that 3rd place game interesting). Somehow he came out even - lost two, won two. He came out on top and on bottom - I guess all that matters is that he came (that's what he said).

Special attention needs to be paid to, of course, JerSean LePaulsen, our very own bad boy of the league, quote-maker, championship-taker. His has definitely been the story of the season - his Rodman-like antics, amusing to some, angering to others (people in the parking lot, Brofman & Lappy), managed to take his team all the way. In a team of pressure players (4 #2's, one might say), he held his own, in spite of dizzying amounts of alcohol and incoherent ranting. He doesn't play by the rules - he stepped over the line for a foul, then went on to keep his strike. He kept an unlit cigarette in his mouth all night long (and the Commish secretly dreaded when he might light it). He screamed profanities at Kingpin Lappy (while he was bowling!!) and refused to shake his hand after the game, quickly making an enemy for life (Lappy does not forget). He hasn't worn bowling shoes for the past few weeks, and blatantly didn't even pay for the game last night! (he admitted it at the very end, and eventually paid his dues after a guilt trip from the Commish - hey, it goes towards his own trophy, right?). He was bowling for souls last night, for Christ's sake! (see attached picture).

But perhaps the best moment of the night, and the one to leave you with, was JerSean LePaulsen exiting the bowling alley, champion-style with a full drink in hand (first he waited for the cops to go by), stumbling and screaming towards Kevin Finn's car, reeking of vomit, telling the local bars to watch out, cause they're gonna get fucked -- that's the JerSean LePaul we know and love. Can't wait for next season.

All-Star game next week!! Everyone must come (there will be a non-all-star game, aka a Losers game, being played simultaneously- Maegamyte, you are officially Queen of the Losers - see attached stats). Also, the winning team's trophy cup will be presented to them (and filled with copious amounts of cheap beer). See you next Monday! (Feel free to bring any new recruits - Mike "Supposedly Bowls 200s" Hale will be there, he needs someone to play with).

Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives. Possibly for the worse.

-The Commish

EP 107

Quote of the night:
Brandon: "Dan Reid can't handle the burden of being your number one!"
JerSean LePaul: "We got 4 number two's, bro, deal with that!! (throws a pen dramatically on the floor and exits)
*note, this was at 6:31pm, prior to even going to bowling alley.

Brandon (re: Christopher): "Can I cut him outright? He's like a cancer on my team. He's cheering for Maegan!"
Christopher: "I'm like AIDS!" (dead silence from all team members)

Patrick: "I need a good jerking."
Christopher: "I only do a specific muscle group. Penis majoris."

Patrick to Christopher: "Are you sweating under your boobs?"
Christopher: "Yes."

"If someone gets a 300, we will collectively put our mouths on their penis." - Camilla "Chumsys/Corky"

"I will forgo all quotes tomorrow for a victory tonight. That's how much playoffs mean to Jersean LePaulsen!" -JerSean LePaulsen

After Korpacz heckled him about taking so long to bowl: "I'm not gonna pull a you on Saturday night and "go quickah"."
--JerSean LePaulsen

Korpacz: "JerSean can go fuck a pussy!!"
Waitress: "That was weird."
*She was trying to hand him his bill at the time.

Whew. Playoffs was a LOT of pressure. Maybe too much for some. I promised I wouldn't do this, but I think we all know the biggest letdown of the season was the Hookers' star ho, Jesse "Might Need Rehab" Drollette. Formerly the number two player in the league (and clearly "Head Hooker" amongst his team), it all came crashing down last night, culminating in a devasting last frame 83 and a major upset for the finals. After a spiral of drugs, alcohol, and weed lollies, the Hooker's main escort collapsed under the pressure of the playoffs. Through his glassy red eyes, I could see a cry for help. Perhaps in the off season, he can check into the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge Malibu Rehab Center and come back strong, but for now, his team must settle for third, or possibly fourth place. It's always sad to see a hero go down. (Darryl! Why?)

Honestly, though, all the Commish cares about is her Tards!! And Tartar and the Retards, in spite of one of their best players being absent games 1 & 2 (but not in heart), crushed the Beauties like butterflies beneath their combat boots, all thanks to Maegamite! Maegamite! who now firmly holds the highest female average (and beat half the guys with a 141 average last night).

Best moment of the night (and sexiest) was clearly when Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid burst out of his shirt, Superman-style, to reveal a light-up "SEXY" shirt underneath. The ladies and men alike swooned. His powerful sex appeal shrank the mojo of the opposing Hookers (as many women learned on Halloween, there is a fine line between sexy and slutty - the Hookers are more on the slutty spectrum), and the Hookers went down, as Hookers are wont to do. These ones didn't get paid for it though.

And now, for the full recap!

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: After numerous mind games all day long, Brandon "Crissangel Mindfreak" Roberts thought he had Tartar and the Tards right where he wanted them. While professing the peace and love message that had worked so well last week, he was subtly David Blain-ing seeds of doubt into the Commish's already anxious mind. But then, channeling inspirational Elizabeth Ruiz from last season, Tartar realized that even though they'd already been hitting it all season, she and her team really needed to hit their stride....tonight. And as we all learned from Liz, the best way to hit your stride is to say it as much as possible. Tartar also stole the poster from the story room for extra insurance.

The Beauties had their own issues. Dissension quickly rose in the ranks, as their perfect attendance bit them in the butt. Christopher "Head Homo" Orne threw a hissy fit when he learned his team had decided to sit him out the first game. "I brought the Dragonball!! I went to rehab for juicing!!" But to no avail. Finally, he resorted to the league's first ever "Juicing During Playoffs." He spit in his team's face by juicing a 124, which could have saved his team - if only it had counted. For the rest of the games, he alternated between heckling his own teammates and berating Brandon for abusing his dog. Oh, Beauties. If only you'd played "Head Homo" during game 1, perhaps you could have peacefully communed yourself a spot in the finals. Sucks for you. (that's what she said)

3-0 for the Tards!! Championships, bitches!! The Tards can taste the beer from the golden trophy even now.....

Meanwhile.....

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: What the f-- happened to the Hookers? They have had a rough couple of nights. First, Pilgrim Greg Berg and Norm aka Rodney, two top gigolos, hit a mid-season slump. Then, Jesse "Darryl Strawberry" Drollette battled the demons of alcoholism and a bad case of juicing which messed up his game. Then the travesty of last night. Granted, they did win one game. But this was the undefeated number one seed! Was it the shots? The pressure? Maybe pimpin' really isn't that easy? Or was it.....

Dan Motherf--ing Reid.

I mean, what can you do against a team that has Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid? He has his own theme song! He had on a light-up "SEXY" shirt, for Christ's sake! Not to mention, this same team has JerSean LePaulsen, who didn't allow his ongoing feud with Korpacz (or his double shot vodka tonics) disrupt him from bowling a 127 average last night. It was as though Paulsen took all his rage and volume and craziness and channeled it back into his team.
(side note: very funny moment when an inebriated LePaulsen accidentally drops his ball and it rolls back into the seats. Then he does it again, on purpose)

So it's over. The night that determined everything for the season. It's 8 Balls and a Split vs. Tartar and the Tards for the Championship finals, and it's gonna be a helluva fight. God save the Tards if Dan Reid brings his SEXY shirt again. Or what if he has something EVEN SEXIER planned?? Is it possible???

MOTHERFUCKING FINALS NEXT WEEK!!!!

Be there. Or else.

Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives.

-The Commish

EP 106

Quote of the night:
Butch waitress about Kerin Finn: "I think he needs a bigger ball. He's stronger than that."
JerSean LePaulsen: "Korpacz won't fight. He went to some school with sisters of mercy and shit -- Oh Korpacz, did you hurt your knee again? That's what I thought!"
JerSean to Korpacz: "You don't edit with your knee!!"
JerSean: "Korpacz? Who's Korpacz? Who's this guy who can't sniff my bowling jock strap?"
JerSean: "Did you see that, bro? That's what a knee's supposed to do, you sonofabitch!!"
JerSean: "Let it be known that Korpacz is the new head homo of the night!"
Korpacz (when asked to respond to Jersean's various accusations): "Fuck that pussy." End quote.


So....I guess you can figure out from above that JerSean LePaulsen was up to his usual antics last night. As he said himself, "There's always one asshole, and that's me." And to think I was worried that I wouldn't have enough quotes from last night?

Korpacz, aka Jay Z, came out of retirement last night. Again. Sigh. You know, if you keep putting out albums, ahem, "bowling" after you've "given up the game for good", twice, we kinda stop believing you. Perhaps this was the reason behind JerSean LePaulsen's shameless onslaught of Michael "Jordan" Korpacz. I'm sure there was another side to the disses, but I couldn't hear them - JerSean's volume was turned up to 11. For once, though, JerSean actually walked the walk - he had a respectable 126 average to Korpacz's.....99. Autumn, you left too early!

In spite of lots of nervous Nellies worried about "what if there's a tie?? what will we doooooo??"...there was no need for concern. Tartar and the Retards held on to their number one spot, pulled down their pants, and then waved their junk in the Hookers faces. Hookers lost two of their games, Tartar and the Tards won two, and all was right with the playoffs.

For the more detailed recap, read on!

Tartar and the Retards vs. the Bowled and the Beautiful: Well, you can't say they lack for effort. The Beauties have proven again and again they are by far the most resourceful team this season. They have gone above and beyond in their attempts to win - from drug use, to barely legal juicing, to magic (DRAGONBALL), to Camilla's tight and distracting stretch pants - all to no avail. And so, like any lost and desperate Hollywood starlet, they turned to....Buddhism. That's right, fresh off a meditation session, and calm as a lake in July, they came to the game not angry, but benevolent. They had nothing but love and New-Age-y sayings, such as, "We have nothing to lose, and therefore, everything to gain," and "Let's play for the love of the game. It's all about love." And honestly, Brandon formerly "Brutus" now "Moonflower" Roberts, should've put on his Kabbalah bracelet weeks ago, cause he had the best game of his life. And, to quote him directly, "I rarely toot my own horn (lie), but I have the highest 3 game total of all time." I checked. It's true. Buddha shined on Roberts last night. Namaste.

Alas, the Beauties were not able to overcome the Tards except in game 2 (and almost in game 1, due to Camilla's kinda unfair foul call by the gods of bowling, aka the machine that miraculously runs the game - who knew there were fouls in bowling?). The Tards beat them fair and square in the final game, sealing their victory (and um....we're playing each other next week).

Let them eat cake! There's a new QueenPin in town! Autumn "Bringing the Fall" DeVitry, former reining QueenPin with last week's 159, left early, perhaps to go pitch in the World Series, or some other sport that she's "just okay" at. And while she was away, her crown was taken from her by early season favorite, "Maeagamite" McDonough! And by 1 pin! Bowling like we pay her for it (that contract is high!), she finally delivered with a crazy-amazing 160. Also, she probably has the cutest form of anyone. Just saying.

Onto the next game....

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: Jesse "Red Lobster" Drollette, rolled in off set with a massive sunburn and a crazed look in his eyes. If his team, those randy old Hookers, could sweep 8 Balls, then they would have the number one slot back in hand. (Take that slot in hand!) But no one counted on the 8 Balls secret weapon - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid. It was possibly a mistake that he came last week, but when Reid came back for more this week, the Hookers began to run to their Daddies. Cause Dan Reid bowls like an executive watches a rough cut - fast, not paying much attention, and with little regard to rhyme or reason. He has slowly (and suavely) become the 5th highest average in the league - and this is only his second week, so Brofman, Jesse, and maybe even Lappy needs to watch out. Averaging a 144 this week!! 4 strikes in a row!! If he hadn't gotten drunk on Chablis the last game, it probably would've been even higher. Definitely in the Commish's picks as one to watch.

On the love front, recently sex-changed Kerin Finn was being admired from afar by our lovely ladyman waitress, Randy* *not actual name. He/She admired Kerin's strong but subtle stroke, but warned that, "His ball is too light. He needs a bigger ball for that strength." The guy/girl might've been right, cause if you take a look at attached picture, Kerin literally busted out of his shirt last night, Incredible Hulk-style. Perhaps the hipster's threads were a little too well-worn, but I prefer to believe that once his/her strength was admired by future love interest Randy, those tiny biceps could not contain themselves. Is there anything more romantic than two ambiguously sexed people finding one another? (don't answer that)

Ok, starting to ramble. A couple of things I missed -- Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" Dhaka bowling a 132!!! Brandon "Moonflower" Roberts bowling best game ever, including 4 strikes in a row!! Dawn "Of a New Era" now "Red Dawn" due to her lethality to Communists and dog haters!!

I'm spent. Next week, get ready for some deja-vu as Tartar and the Retards play the Bowled and the Beautiful. And The Hookers play 8 Balls and a Split. Again. Hey Korpacz, maybe you should come out of retirement again?

Ok, one last JerSean LePaulsen quote: "8 Balls and a Split getting ready for the playoffs!! Deal with that, bitches!!"

PLAYOFFS!!!

-The Commish