EP 208

Quotes of the night:

"Sorry, I'm not used to throwing money at strippers - I mean, commissioners." -Head Homo, while throwing the league treasury at my head

"That's his dragon ball. Right next to his dragon penis!" - Head Homo (re: Santa, the real owner of Dragonball)

"Chris, have you ever been to Planned Parenthood? It's a great place to pick up chicks." - Mike Hale

"I couldn't care less what my team does as long as Straight and Hard loses." - Hale

Amazing strike by Chris Harris, aka the LH Assassin: he falls halfway down the lane and still makes it!
"It should be a foul. Didn't know we were playing by prison rules." - Hale

"I think we need to start running pelcos." - Kevin Finn

"We need live loggers." -Brofman

"Elizabeth the shit outta that!!" - Head Homo (hit your stride!!)

"Alex looks like he's 20 years older than the rest of us!!!" - JerSean
"Put that pen down!!" - Alex Katz to me

"The reindeers are waiting, Santa." - Double Ee

"F U U U C C C K K K K" - JerSean hits the ball return really, really hard. "Fuck."

"Statistically, I don't do well with the lights off." - Hale

"Sloop!! Sloop a Loop!!" - Alex the PA to Sloop John B

"JerSean lost his virginity to the Verve!!" - Red Dawn, Hols to the Wall, Head Homo
"NO!! NO!! NO!! NO!! The Verve, who's the fucking Verve!!" - JerSean

"Isn't that song only 3 minutes long?" - Head Homo
"It only took 30 seconds, bro. Who we trying to kid here?" -JerSean

"That's a bittersweet symphony right there!" - Head Homo

"As long as he doesn't throw up on me right now, we'll revisit this later." - Alex Katz, re: new feud with JerSean
"Do you want to get thrown up on!!?? Dede, can we get some warm beer out here??" - JerSean

JerSean's answer to why he was yelling in Alex Katz's face:
"That (bleeping bleeper) got close in the third game. I can't even talk about this without getting warmed up. It's so fucking hot in here!! To make a long story short, we're gonna have a grudge match until the end of the season. I mean, he's top 20, I'm top 40, and he still comes close??? That f-ing (bleep) son of a bitch motherf-er. Mother fucker!! (Bleeeeep)"
Christine: "I could watch this all day."(JerSean throws his coat down in anger.) "I mean, he told his jacket where to go."

"I'm not getting in there unless you have Bittersweet Symphony!!" - JerSean, as Double E attempts to drive him home

HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT AND HARD GOING DOWN FASTER THAN A CHARLIE SHEEN HOOKER

I'll get to the headline news shortly. First off, to address JerSean LePaulsen. In the first half of the night, I was eagerly straining my ears for some quoteworthiness from JerSean, but I was getting nothing. All I heard was some variation of, "What?? Are you kidding me?? Fuck that pin!! Are you kidding me?? WHAT??? Fuck that pin!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? FUCK!!" I started getting a sense of deja vu - where had I heard this before?

Cara Castranuova.

That's right. Xtine and I made a revelation that JerSean, much like our harpy-voiced new trainer, has taken to relying on yelling a few key phrases to make it through the night (slash workout). "Suck it up! Harder! Harder! Suck it up!! Like you mean it!! You're a fighter!! Fight it out to the end!! Harder! Harder!" and so on, and so forth. However, after extensive Jennie notes to go into JerSean's backstory, story team Head Homo, Red Dawn, and Hols to the Wall made an amazing discovery - JerSean lost his virginity to the song "Bittersweet Symphony." We are currently building a :30 package with flashbacks and pictures that now must be used and referenced in every episode--ahem, bowling night--from this point forward. Ashley is working on clearing the song, but seeing as the Rolling Stones might object, Ah2 is doing a quick ripoff that will sound very similar to Little Hero.

As for the other JerSean story to follow - he is now $200 in the hole to Alex Katz. Carrying over a feud that started in fantasy basketball, JerSean and Katz will be putting 100 beans on the line every Monday night from this point forward. This might be better than the Derek/Lappy bet - more money, plus JerSean gets really, really into feuds. By the way, if you were curious about the bleeps above, for some reason, I feel kinda uncomfortable calling my boss a "c----s----." Also, I couldn't write fast enough to catch all of the expletives.

Onto the headline! Straight...and Hard has started taking the drug called Charlie Sheen, and it is not working out as well as their other drug use. In spite of the tiger blood running through their veins, their rein of terror on the league has officially been cancelled. The 5 and a half men have been tied for first, and according to recent NASDAQ reports, their stock is definitely trending down, down, down. Sell now. Sell fast. Sell hard. As for their progress in their Female-Awareness-and-Sensitivity Campaign (FAASC), they are trending upwards. They've moved from the phallic phase (all male, all the time), past the V phase (where they simply referred to their female player as "Vagina"), straight to the mother phase (Christine is now their "Momma Bear.") They sure are moving through Freud's stages of development quickly.

As for more high-brow references, the play was the thing last night. Or rather, the lights were the thing, where we caught the conscience of the person who called the bowling alley last week and asked to keep the lights on. (Sorry, I am not Shakespeare). Much like Hamlet, I purposely asked our friend Rick to turn the lights out last night, keeping close tabs on our two main suspects, Hale and Head Homo, to see how they would react. Me and Double E (aka Horatio) noticed that Head Homo's reaction was disproportionately loud and angry when the lights went out. Granted, so was Hale's, so really, we are no closer to the truth than before. But seeing as Head Homo threw an envelope at my head twice last night, I've decided he is the culprit, and shall be punished at some point in the future. I would punish Hale too, but his scores are punishment enough. (zing!)

One last thing! JerSean's Designated Drivers, long the Bad News Bears of this league, are finally trending upwards! After a tough win last night against XXX Productions (Dan Reid, where are you??), coupled with their tie and win the previous week against heavyweight 3 Hole Surprise, it's official - this team is no longer in dead last place! Finally, Red Dawn's sunshine morning has broken.

With one team moving up, another team has moved down - and its players appear to have given up. Hale, perhaps making a point about his beloved lights being turned out, purposely threw gutterballs and/or chucked the ball down the lane without caring for the rest of the night. Double E turned bitter and angry, alternately yelling at people for delaying the game, and then fraternizing with other teams rather than her own. Only Santa remained cheerful and jolly, but then again, he is Santa. I'm starting to think that Double E is not Daniel-san, but perhaps Luke Skywalker, turning to the dark side with Hale and his pessimism (I don't know if that actually happens in Star Wars, but it sounded good to me. Plus, you'll be outed as a nerd if you disagree.)

Ok! Two more games left in the regular season. Next week, All Hale Thee Finns play JerSean's Designated Drivers, Tonight We Strike! plays 3 Hole Surprise (yikes!), and XXX Productions plays Straight...and Hard (come on, porn!). I will not be here next week because I'm heading to Australia on vacay. I don't know if I'll have email access, so I....um...thinktherewon'tbearecapnextweekomgi'msorry. I will be back on the 14th. Be strong, league. Be strong.

G'day, mates.
-The Commish