EP 207

Quotes of the night:

"Is this a quoting league, or a bowling league??" - Lappy, angry when I get distracted

"I'm bowling worse than Christine right now!" - Jesse, followed by, "NO!! STOP WRITING!!!"

"You're all stretching??" -Double E to her team, during the warmup

"God can't always be on our side." - Brandon to Jesse

Brandon rolls a 9. "Dammit, I'll see you in the car."

"Where's my sister, let's fucking make out!!" - JerSean
"I think I know why he got kicked out of the club on Saturday," says me

"I hate that the lights won't go off tonight. Now I can't hide my drunkenness," Jesse, very sad

"Don't write that shit down!!" - Jesse

"Who do I need to felashe around here to get a strike??" - Lappy

"Damn girl, pull out the rag!!" - Sexy Anne Frank to a moody Double E
"Are you serious?? Are we ghetto middle schoolers??" -Double E

HEADLINE NEWS: STRAIGHT...AND HARD GOES LIMP

As you can see by the first quote, I was definitely not on my quote game last night - I was sadly lacking in JerSean coverage. I can only imagine what I missed, what with a tie game, followed by a possible dance-off, followed by JerSean daring John B to throw his ball at him, followed by JerSean bonding with/harassing the high schoolers in the lane beside him. By the way, at the end of the night, I saw some stranded sneakers, and I asked the kids if they were theirs- the girl goes, "Those are JerSean's." Does Sean Paulsen even exist anymore, or has JerSean taken over full time? And whose bright idea was it to let Chaka Khan and Eddie Winslow bowl beside JerSean LePaulsen? With no fence in between? Rumor has it that Chaka has issued a restraining order against "that screaming man with the hair sticking up", but this could not be confirmed at press time.

As for being on my bowling game last night, well....my team certainly was. In spite of various evil tactics used by Sensei Roberts and "Johnny" Drollette, all that Straight...and Hard managed to do was give themselves some severe performance anxiety. "Um....just wait til the second game, baby, I swear, this never happens to me. (pause) Ok, so not the second game...but just give me like five minutes, hang on, the third game, I swear. Why are you putting your clothes on?? Oh yeah, yeah, I got this....baby? Baby??" Ok, disgusting mental pictures aside, the gist is that we beat the sticky stuff out of those bastards the first two games, but then we lost our grip in the third. Meanwhile, after vigorous work in parked cars and severe forearm strain, Straight...and Hard finally managed to get it up in the third and prevent us from taking the number one spot. I don't know about you, but I feel dirty after playing them. We won't see them until we cream them in the playoffs, I guess. (Cream, get it?? Sigh....)

Oh, and by the way? How did I miss Miss Congeniality herself bowling a 184??? That is the best female score to date!! Maegamyte, it's time to come back from New Zealand and claim your throne, cause Red Dawn is blazing a path down the bowling lane, fued only by pure sunshine.

As for the biggest controversy of the night - somebody took Kanye's words to heart and turned up the lights last night. That's right, there was no disco bowling last night. After brutal waterboarding of Chris, the guy behind the counter, and Scott, the creepy guy who is a manager, I got no closer to the culprit. Scott took me aside and accused Hale (aka, "the guy in the green hat"), but then his case was weakened when he also pointed out Lappy in the line-up. He claimed they "came up to the counter together last week and asked for the lights to be turned off." First of all, they would never do anything together, being as they are bitter rivals, second, Lappy is the only advocate of keeping the lights off. Signs point to Head Homo, who wasn't there for his own trial, due to some lame ass excuse, I'm sure, and combined with the fact that he has recently been fired as bowling league treasurer and made off with last season's treasury, I'm willing to prosecute. Guilty until proven innocent, Head Homo - did you or did you not call someone and ask them to keep the lights on last night??? Unless it was Chaka Khan??

Oh yeah, and that other game (sorry guys :). Big Boss Man and Broman, barely holding together their flailing porn company, nevertheless easily beat All Hale Thee Finns 2 games to 1. They two-timed Hale until he could barely bowl straight - so I guess this disproves Hale's theory that "he'd bowl much better with the lights on!" What is with these guys and the pressure??

While I do have fun both with the lights on and the lights off (interpret as you will), I think we should go back to regular disco bowling - I don't think the lights on made any difference either way, and I think we could all use some kinder lighting by that time of night. Especially Jesse.

Ok, see you all next week - hey, Hollie, Hundgen, and those who FORGOT that bowling was last night (!!!!) - there's this thing we do, on Monday nights. It's called Biggest Loser bowling, maybe you've heard of it? Do you need the address? Sarcasm aside, we only have three more regular season games (except for XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise - don't forget, your makeup game needs to be schedule next week).

Next week, Tonight We Strike! plays All Hale Thee Finns, 3 Hole Surprise plays Straight...and Small...I mean, Hard, and XXX Productions plays JerSean's Designated Drivers (Alex Katz, I apologize in advance). Also - XXX Productions and 3 Hole Surprise -- you need to pick a day that week that works for both teams to make up your other game. Side emails will resume.

-The Commish