Quotes of the night:
"They brought me Godiva. It's like they're trying to get in my pants." - Christine
--"Not that they could, " she adds
"Sweep the leg!" - Straight & Hard. Over and over. And over.
"I just realized I paid Jesse $30 for this t-shirt!! That's a manicure AND a pedicure!" - Christine
"You're the best - around! Nothing's gonna ever keep ya down!" - the loudspeakers at El Dorado
"This team takes this way too fucking far! Uncle Rico never went this far with Napoleon! Sweep this, motherfuckers!" --(paraphrasing) Mike Hale as he rips off his shirt to reveal another underneath that illustrates his point
"We will sweep them." -Korpacz
"No one tries to out-t-shirt us. No one." - Christine
"Those were the good old days, back when bowling was fun and not an annoying sport with Brandon." - Head Homo, reminiscing about high school
"You think they just give that title to anyone??!!" - Head Homo, re: his Head Homo title
"We've been really f-ing boring. Except for me and Christine talking about our holes all the time." - Double E
"V does not stand for vagina!! It stands for valentine!!" - Christine, clearly delusional about her team's "cute" nickname for her
"Why they gotta play the best shit when I'm not bowling??" Korpacz, re: Prince's "Kiss"
"Where did our creep go?" - Me (see attached pic)
"I don't know, but he left all his creepy stuff here!" - Christine (re: Jackie Earle Haley, our superfan)
"Cobra Kai is our alias, like Makaveli for Tupac." - Brandon
So...apparently, we are still in the middle of the Karate Kid, where the evil Cobra Kai is still winning all their battles by showing that defeat does not exist, because the bad guys won last night, and remain in their damn first place spot. Straight...and Hard struck first, struck hard, no mercy by sweeping (the leg) all three games against Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi, aka Double E, Mike Hale and the rest of the Finns. Sorry - there were many auditioning for the role of Daniel-san, but Double E proved she wanted it most when she secretly stole the Cobra Kai t-shirts that Jesse had foolishly had delivered to the office. Who checks the fedex, Jesse? Who?? Apparently, underdog victories only exist in PG movies and Biggest Loser episodes. They had the formula down - they were losing the first game, and then the song came on, and Mike Hale made a dramatic speech (if nonsensical) and ripped off his shirt, and the tide should've turned, but actually, I think All Hale Thee Finns bowled their worst game of the night after that gesture. So....maybe we need to rethink what story we're telling this season of BL Bowling, cause it's certainly not something sweet, like Rudy. Perhaps it's that nice guys finish last, and Tonight We Strike! will beat Straight...and Hard next week? (although we're not really that nice if we're including myself and Lappy....)
Also of note - don't think for one second that I was fooled by your pathetic, over-the-top gesture last night, Straight...and Hard. Much like if Mel Gibson were to throw a bar mitzvah, Straight...and Hard thought they could make up for an entire season of misogyny by showering their female player, Christine, with Godiva chocolate and a valentine's cake on Valentine's Day. How sweet. Let me put it this way, guys, if Michael Vick were to open a rescue shelter for pitbulls, would you trust his motives? Yeah. Didn't think so. Sometimes overcompensating is worse. That's what she said. Re: penises.
As for the other game, Tonight We Strike! also triumphed in a 3 game sweep, but we kinda felt bad about it. The Designated Drivers have officially become the new Bowled and the Beautiful - without the poisonous Roberts attached, it doesn't feel right to beat them, especially since they were all high-fiving us the entire game, and Dawn will easily win Miss Congeneality for the season. She is so positive! I mean, I'll take it, cause we're now in 2nd place, but I do feel conflicted. If it weren't for Christopher, Head Homo, I would feel worse, but he continues to be the catty bastard we all love (in spite of his seriously lackluster bowling this season. Is he juicing at all????) We fully deserved our victory, seeing as Lappy bowled a motherfucking 243. Did you catch that?? 243!! Once again, Lappy has hit his mid-season stride and become unstoppable. He now resides a good 10 pins above the rest, firmly in his number one spot.
Ok! So next week, those teams who lost their balls this week will regain them, and join us as 3 Hole Surprise plays the Designated Drivers, XXX Productions plays All Hale Thee Finns, and the Bad Guys play the Best Guys, aka Straight and Hard vs. Tonight We Strike! God I hope we beat those bastards. Also, we may have some special guest alternates - Mike Bary, Andy, and possibly Frank will be joining us next week to help out XXX Productions and any other teams that are missing players.
As a final note, there are pictures and stats attached. Be sure to check out our resident stalker, captured in the background of Christopher's close-up. We all know why that guy was at the bowling alley. Creepy creep creep.
-The Commish
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