Quotes of the night:
"I'm not here to make headlines. I'm here to win." - JerSean LePaulsen
"Who the hell are all these people?" - Me, noticing an unprecedented amount of people in the bowling alley
"It's the championship, Commish, what'd you expect?" - JerSean LePaulsen
"We'll be here every Monday til we die!!" - Lil' Patrick
"Blow it up, Motherfucker!!" - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid (yelled in my face after a strike)
"Is it turkey time?? I'm gonna get a turkey right now, bitch!!" Maegan giving it to Dan Reid
After losing game 1: "The drinks have been wearing off." - JerSean LePaulsen
"Oh my god, D-Wrecking Ball is en fuego right now!!" -Brandon after Derek goes on to bowl 6 f--ing strikes in a row
"He just double-penetrated a turkey!!" - Christopher
"I think Derek is really hitting his stride." - Rodney
"Last time I checked, I didn't come here to suck Derek's dick, I came to win." - Lappy
("I came here to suck Derek's dick - that's why I come to work in the morning." - Christopher "Horny Orne")
"My high score's in jeopardy. That's all I have." - Will (very very sadly and quietly)
"FUCK!!! LET'S DO THIS!!" - Brofman after a spare
"You're outta here!! You're 86-ed!!!!" JerSean LePaul to Christopher after he tried to break up a fight between the champions
Waitress: "Last call."
JerSean: "Another vodka tonic!!"
Waitress: "Um, didn't you just order one?"
JerSean: "It's last call!!!"
Brandon: "Paulsen!! Did you just order a vodka tonic with a full one in your hand?
Paulsen (indignant): "They were closing the bar!!!"
"Average wait time for JerSean LePaulsen to throw the ball, 2-3 minutes. Seeing him pick up a spare -- priceless." - Christopher "Quotes a lot" Orne
"YOU RIDE THIS FUCKING WAVE!!! SPARE ME!!! SPARE ME, BABY!!!" - JerSean LePaul, screaming at teammate from 2 inches away
"He's right there." Christopher
"WHO'S THERE????" - JerSean
Brandon: "There is a God."
Christopher: "And his name is El Dorado Bowling Lanes."
Brandon: "This is the greatest sporting event of my life!!!
Christopher: "This is the greatest moment of my life!!"
In the parking lot after winning: "LOCAL BARS ARE GONNA GET FUCKED!!!" - JerSean (who else?)
"It's just bowling, right?" - Patrick
Sigh. I don't even want to write this today. They won. We lost. It really sucks. 8 Balls and a Split, champions of BL Bowling. Woo-hoo.
On the bright side, from an unbiased, non-losing team standpoint, this was easily the most amazing night of bowling in the history of the league - possibly in the history of the world (?). First off, definitely not a blow-out--this championship was really for the fans. After a ridiculously high-scoring first game from the Tards (Maegamyte and Bringin' the Reina especially), 8 Balls and a Split answered with an even more ridiculous game 2. Ratings began steadily climbing after De-Record-breaking Kind started the strike train in frame 2....and just kept going. Derek Kinda-the-best-player-ever, who has been quietly biding his time (and steadily losing $20 a week to Lappy), showed his NCAA roots last night. He is a true pressure player - and definitely MVP of the playoffs. Poor Will's record wasn't just broken, his heart (and spirit) were as well. Derek shattered not just Will's record, but multiple others as well - highest single game total, formerly 194, now a freaking 221!!!! 6 strikes in a row!!! Team highest game total of 611!!! I mean, where did he come from? (Wisconsin?) He also easily slides into the #2 bowler slot, lapping at Lappy's heels -- Lappy, who sadly proved (and it hurts to say it), that while he is still the Kingpin, he is not very kingly under pressure - losing his long-standing bet for the first time this season, when it mattered the most. Last night definitely proved that the season means nothing - all that matters is the playoffs.
Speaking of betting, Brandon "Hollywood Park" Roberts made an unprecedented number of gambles last night - he took on the entire stable of Hookers by making side bets with each of them (just to make that 3rd place game interesting). Somehow he came out even - lost two, won two. He came out on top and on bottom - I guess all that matters is that he came (that's what he said).
Special attention needs to be paid to, of course, JerSean LePaulsen, our very own bad boy of the league, quote-maker, championship-taker. His has definitely been the story of the season - his Rodman-like antics, amusing to some, angering to others (people in the parking lot, Brofman & Lappy), managed to take his team all the way. In a team of pressure players (4 #2's, one might say), he held his own, in spite of dizzying amounts of alcohol and incoherent ranting. He doesn't play by the rules - he stepped over the line for a foul, then went on to keep his strike. He kept an unlit cigarette in his mouth all night long (and the Commish secretly dreaded when he might light it). He screamed profanities at Kingpin Lappy (while he was bowling!!) and refused to shake his hand after the game, quickly making an enemy for life (Lappy does not forget). He hasn't worn bowling shoes for the past few weeks, and blatantly didn't even pay for the game last night! (he admitted it at the very end, and eventually paid his dues after a guilt trip from the Commish - hey, it goes towards his own trophy, right?). He was bowling for souls last night, for Christ's sake! (see attached picture).
But perhaps the best moment of the night, and the one to leave you with, was JerSean LePaulsen exiting the bowling alley, champion-style with a full drink in hand (first he waited for the cops to go by), stumbling and screaming towards Kevin Finn's car, reeking of vomit, telling the local bars to watch out, cause they're gonna get fucked -- that's the JerSean LePaul we know and love. Can't wait for next season.
All-Star game next week!! Everyone must come (there will be a non-all-star game, aka a Losers game, being played simultaneously- Maegamyte, you are officially Queen of the Losers - see attached stats). Also, the winning team's trophy cup will be presented to them (and filled with copious amounts of cheap beer). See you next Monday! (Feel free to bring any new recruits - Mike "Supposedly Bowls 200s" Hale will be there, he needs someone to play with).
Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives. Possibly for the worse.
-The Commish
"I'm not here to make headlines. I'm here to win." - JerSean LePaulsen
"Who the hell are all these people?" - Me, noticing an unprecedented amount of people in the bowling alley
"It's the championship, Commish, what'd you expect?" - JerSean LePaulsen
"We'll be here every Monday til we die!!" - Lil' Patrick
"Blow it up, Motherfucker!!" - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid (yelled in my face after a strike)
"Is it turkey time?? I'm gonna get a turkey right now, bitch!!" Maegan giving it to Dan Reid
After losing game 1: "The drinks have been wearing off." - JerSean LePaulsen
"Oh my god, D-Wrecking Ball is en fuego right now!!" -Brandon after Derek goes on to bowl 6 f--ing strikes in a row
"He just double-penetrated a turkey!!" - Christopher
"I think Derek is really hitting his stride." - Rodney
"Last time I checked, I didn't come here to suck Derek's dick, I came to win." - Lappy
("I came here to suck Derek's dick - that's why I come to work in the morning." - Christopher "Horny Orne")
"My high score's in jeopardy. That's all I have." - Will (very very sadly and quietly)
"FUCK!!! LET'S DO THIS!!" - Brofman after a spare
"You're outta here!! You're 86-ed!!!!" JerSean LePaul to Christopher after he tried to break up a fight between the champions
Waitress: "Last call."
JerSean: "Another vodka tonic!!"
Waitress: "Um, didn't you just order one?"
JerSean: "It's last call!!!"
Brandon: "Paulsen!! Did you just order a vodka tonic with a full one in your hand?
Paulsen (indignant): "They were closing the bar!!!"
"Average wait time for JerSean LePaulsen to throw the ball, 2-3 minutes. Seeing him pick up a spare -- priceless." - Christopher "Quotes a lot" Orne
"YOU RIDE THIS FUCKING WAVE!!! SPARE ME!!! SPARE ME, BABY!!!" - JerSean LePaul, screaming at teammate from 2 inches away
"He's right there." Christopher
"WHO'S THERE????" - JerSean
Brandon: "There is a God."
Christopher: "And his name is El Dorado Bowling Lanes."
Brandon: "This is the greatest sporting event of my life!!!
Christopher: "This is the greatest moment of my life!!"
In the parking lot after winning: "LOCAL BARS ARE GONNA GET FUCKED!!!" - JerSean (who else?)
"It's just bowling, right?" - Patrick
Sigh. I don't even want to write this today. They won. We lost. It really sucks. 8 Balls and a Split, champions of BL Bowling. Woo-hoo.
On the bright side, from an unbiased, non-losing team standpoint, this was easily the most amazing night of bowling in the history of the league - possibly in the history of the world (?). First off, definitely not a blow-out--this championship was really for the fans. After a ridiculously high-scoring first game from the Tards (Maegamyte and Bringin' the Reina especially), 8 Balls and a Split answered with an even more ridiculous game 2. Ratings began steadily climbing after De-Record-breaking Kind started the strike train in frame 2....and just kept going. Derek Kinda-the-best-player-ever, who has been quietly biding his time (and steadily losing $20 a week to Lappy), showed his NCAA roots last night. He is a true pressure player - and definitely MVP of the playoffs. Poor Will's record wasn't just broken, his heart (and spirit) were as well. Derek shattered not just Will's record, but multiple others as well - highest single game total, formerly 194, now a freaking 221!!!! 6 strikes in a row!!! Team highest game total of 611!!! I mean, where did he come from? (Wisconsin?) He also easily slides into the #2 bowler slot, lapping at Lappy's heels -- Lappy, who sadly proved (and it hurts to say it), that while he is still the Kingpin, he is not very kingly under pressure - losing his long-standing bet for the first time this season, when it mattered the most. Last night definitely proved that the season means nothing - all that matters is the playoffs.
Speaking of betting, Brandon "Hollywood Park" Roberts made an unprecedented number of gambles last night - he took on the entire stable of Hookers by making side bets with each of them (just to make that 3rd place game interesting). Somehow he came out even - lost two, won two. He came out on top and on bottom - I guess all that matters is that he came (that's what he said).
Special attention needs to be paid to, of course, JerSean LePaulsen, our very own bad boy of the league, quote-maker, championship-taker. His has definitely been the story of the season - his Rodman-like antics, amusing to some, angering to others (people in the parking lot, Brofman & Lappy), managed to take his team all the way. In a team of pressure players (4 #2's, one might say), he held his own, in spite of dizzying amounts of alcohol and incoherent ranting. He doesn't play by the rules - he stepped over the line for a foul, then went on to keep his strike. He kept an unlit cigarette in his mouth all night long (and the Commish secretly dreaded when he might light it). He screamed profanities at Kingpin Lappy (while he was bowling!!) and refused to shake his hand after the game, quickly making an enemy for life (Lappy does not forget). He hasn't worn bowling shoes for the past few weeks, and blatantly didn't even pay for the game last night! (he admitted it at the very end, and eventually paid his dues after a guilt trip from the Commish - hey, it goes towards his own trophy, right?). He was bowling for souls last night, for Christ's sake! (see attached picture).
But perhaps the best moment of the night, and the one to leave you with, was JerSean LePaulsen exiting the bowling alley, champion-style with a full drink in hand (first he waited for the cops to go by), stumbling and screaming towards Kevin Finn's car, reeking of vomit, telling the local bars to watch out, cause they're gonna get fucked -- that's the JerSean LePaul we know and love. Can't wait for next season.
All-Star game next week!! Everyone must come (there will be a non-all-star game, aka a Losers game, being played simultaneously- Maegamyte, you are officially Queen of the Losers - see attached stats). Also, the winning team's trophy cup will be presented to them (and filled with copious amounts of cheap beer). See you next Monday! (Feel free to bring any new recruits - Mike "Supposedly Bowls 200s" Hale will be there, he needs someone to play with).
Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives. Possibly for the worse.
-The Commish
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