EP 201

Quotes of the night:
Alex Katz to JerSean: "I thought you were good?"
JerSean: "At drinking!!"

"I don't come here to bowl. I come here to drink and get on the quote board. The bowling and the trophy were just icing on the cake." -JerSean

"No one takes this more seriously than those tards...so I'd love to beat 'em." --Mike Hale re: Straight...and Hard

"I've almost completed an entire game of bowling and I haven't chipped a nail!" -Christine (spoiler alert: the manicure lasts all night)

"What happened to your 200, bitch??" -Korpacz to Mike Hale

JerSean yelling incoherently at Alex Katz: "Don't be a newcomer and try to change the league!! Ohh, it's my first night, ohh!!"
Katz: "I stopped listening to him hours ago."
JerSean: "You were listening???"

"You are now one of his designated drivers!! You have to drive him home!!" - Korpacz to Al Rincones

"Don't talk like that about our farm league!! You have no idea!! All that's happening over there is the same old story - JerSean screaming, blah blah blah. Over in the farm league there's all kinds of new stories! We've never had a Wes before, we've never had a Goo before - whatever a Goo is!" - Christine on a rant (the farm league became the new Fitness Ridge to her)

"The louder we scream, the better we bowl." --Hollie re: the Designated Drivers

"JerSean's delivery is like a turtle spinning out a gallstone." - Rodney

"FALL, YOU WOBBLY BASTARD!!!!" - JerSean, screaming

"They're going down faster than a surfer in bed." - JerSean

Christine accidentally drinks out of Jesse's cup: "Do you have herpes?"
Jesse: "I only have anal herpes."
Christine: "Well, did you drink out of your ass??"

Alex Katz gets a spare as he walks away, not looking back. "Boom."

"He's not an alternate - he's an AL-ternate." Patrick Reina re: Al

"Just so everybody knows - when the lights were on, I bowled three strikes in a row." -Camilla, bragging


Opening night. 6 teams. 5 alternates. Numerous new balls. Lots of yelling. Biggest Loser Bowling is back like the clap!!

It all began with the presentation of the Dorado Cup, full to the brim with the classiest of beers (Miller High Life), presented by two blondes, and some lackluster clapping from the crowd (wow, we're kinda white trash, aren't we?) Sadly, Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid was not in attendance, but don't worry, JerSean poured one out for you over Korpacz's head.

Two teams clearly took the lead as the ones to beat - Brandon "Secretary of Fairness" (the quotes are on purpose) Roberts' extremely hetero team, Straight...and Hard, and quite unexpectedly....The Unknowns. Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night is that there's a new Kingpin in town...and it's not Mike Hale. It is none other than the guy who almost didn't come back this season -- SCOTT "BROMAN" BROFMAN.

We have no one else to thank but his wife, who managed to change Scott "The Mule"'s stubborn, stubborn mind by telling him in no uncertain terms - "get the f-- out of this house on Monday nights and bowl." His baby son then gave him the finger. And it truly will make things interesting this season, especially when former teammate/blood rival Michael "Lappy" LaPlante comes back in town next Monday. Was Scott holding back last year? Was the whole "I'm not bowling" thing a ruse? Was Mike Hale a red herring???

Speaking of Mike "The Ringer" Hale - in spite of rigorous juicing over the break, he's proven to have an Achilles heel - he does not play well under pressure. (Well, to be fair, for him, "not playing well" means he bowled a 159, so...yeah). Also, he is a poor, poor sport. He HATES losing. A small Eeyore-like cloud formed over his head during the first game, and rained angry clouds all night. He would have fit in very well with Tartar and the Tards last year, actually. His team got reamed this first night. Straight...and Hard. If Straight...and Hard manages to keep it up all season, they could easily plow through the rest of the league. They could potentially cream us all. This is just the tip of the amount of dick jokes I'm gonna be using with this team. (get it? ahh....)

As for the Unknowns, by Alex Katz actually showing up (!!) and Brofman getting his balls handed to him by his wife, they had a ridiculously stacked team. Maegamyte was in full force this season, coming out strong with a 133 average - I foresee an All-Star game in her future. She also got her first turkey in Biggest Loser bowling in the coveted last frame spot. They easily got a victory over former champion De-Recking Kind's 3 Hole Surprise. Not sure what the surprise was - is it that Derek's not gonna win this year? Ohhh, snap! I can't even imagine what's gonna happen when Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid comes back. S-E-X-Y! The only weak link in the chain is sadly, Camilla. Poor Chumsys. Much like the WB frog who only sings when no one's around, Chumsys can only perform when it doesn't count. Her amazing 114 in the farm league, translated to a measy 64 in the big leagues. It's ok, Camilla, even the pros choke when they make it to the majors. You'll get 'em next time!

To wrap things up - The Unknowns and Straight...and Hard are currently 3-0, leading the league. Straight...and Hard currently hold highest team score for the night (1575). Patrick "Bringin' the" Reina brought us this season's first turkey! "Broman" holds all three records - highest overall average (166.333333), highest single game score (186), highest overall score (499). Maegamyte easily takes the Queenpin crown. Head Homo is up for grabs (Christopher?? We miss you!!!). But things change fast in this league....and some things are changing next week....

In lieu of the amount of interest and dedication in our farm league, ALL FARM LEAGUE PLAYERS HAVE JUST BEEN BUMPED TO THE MAJORS. This is unprecedented in Biggest Loser Bowling history, but there will now be 6 players per team. That means we will now bowl teams of 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4. I must stress, though - this means we have to start playing at 8pm sharp, or we will not be able to bowl a full 3 games. This arrangement is on a trial basis for next week - we'll see what madness ensues, but goddamit, get there on time! I want you all drinking in the bar no later than 7:45pm and that's an order!!

Ok! Next week, it's:
All Hale Thee Finns vs. The Unknowns
JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. 3 Hole Surprise
Tonight We Strike! vs. Straight...and Hard.

Farm league assignments are as follows:
1. Al Rincones - JerSean's Designated Drivers
2. Matt Gallagher - All Hale Thee Finns
3. John Berardi - 3 Hole Surprise
4. Shyam Balse - Tonight We Strike!
5. Wes Ichishita - Straight...and Hard

Full stats attached.

That's how you write a story summary, Al. Snap!
-The Commish