EP 107

Quote of the night:
Brandon: "Dan Reid can't handle the burden of being your number one!"
JerSean LePaul: "We got 4 number two's, bro, deal with that!! (throws a pen dramatically on the floor and exits)
*note, this was at 6:31pm, prior to even going to bowling alley.

Brandon (re: Christopher): "Can I cut him outright? He's like a cancer on my team. He's cheering for Maegan!"
Christopher: "I'm like AIDS!" (dead silence from all team members)

Patrick: "I need a good jerking."
Christopher: "I only do a specific muscle group. Penis majoris."

Patrick to Christopher: "Are you sweating under your boobs?"
Christopher: "Yes."

"If someone gets a 300, we will collectively put our mouths on their penis." - Camilla "Chumsys/Corky"

"I will forgo all quotes tomorrow for a victory tonight. That's how much playoffs mean to Jersean LePaulsen!" -JerSean LePaulsen

After Korpacz heckled him about taking so long to bowl: "I'm not gonna pull a you on Saturday night and "go quickah"."
--JerSean LePaulsen

Korpacz: "JerSean can go fuck a pussy!!"
Waitress: "That was weird."
*She was trying to hand him his bill at the time.

Whew. Playoffs was a LOT of pressure. Maybe too much for some. I promised I wouldn't do this, but I think we all know the biggest letdown of the season was the Hookers' star ho, Jesse "Might Need Rehab" Drollette. Formerly the number two player in the league (and clearly "Head Hooker" amongst his team), it all came crashing down last night, culminating in a devasting last frame 83 and a major upset for the finals. After a spiral of drugs, alcohol, and weed lollies, the Hooker's main escort collapsed under the pressure of the playoffs. Through his glassy red eyes, I could see a cry for help. Perhaps in the off season, he can check into the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge Malibu Rehab Center and come back strong, but for now, his team must settle for third, or possibly fourth place. It's always sad to see a hero go down. (Darryl! Why?)

Honestly, though, all the Commish cares about is her Tards!! And Tartar and the Retards, in spite of one of their best players being absent games 1 & 2 (but not in heart), crushed the Beauties like butterflies beneath their combat boots, all thanks to Maegamite! Maegamite! who now firmly holds the highest female average (and beat half the guys with a 141 average last night).

Best moment of the night (and sexiest) was clearly when Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid burst out of his shirt, Superman-style, to reveal a light-up "SEXY" shirt underneath. The ladies and men alike swooned. His powerful sex appeal shrank the mojo of the opposing Hookers (as many women learned on Halloween, there is a fine line between sexy and slutty - the Hookers are more on the slutty spectrum), and the Hookers went down, as Hookers are wont to do. These ones didn't get paid for it though.

And now, for the full recap!

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: After numerous mind games all day long, Brandon "Crissangel Mindfreak" Roberts thought he had Tartar and the Tards right where he wanted them. While professing the peace and love message that had worked so well last week, he was subtly David Blain-ing seeds of doubt into the Commish's already anxious mind. But then, channeling inspirational Elizabeth Ruiz from last season, Tartar realized that even though they'd already been hitting it all season, she and her team really needed to hit their stride....tonight. And as we all learned from Liz, the best way to hit your stride is to say it as much as possible. Tartar also stole the poster from the story room for extra insurance.

The Beauties had their own issues. Dissension quickly rose in the ranks, as their perfect attendance bit them in the butt. Christopher "Head Homo" Orne threw a hissy fit when he learned his team had decided to sit him out the first game. "I brought the Dragonball!! I went to rehab for juicing!!" But to no avail. Finally, he resorted to the league's first ever "Juicing During Playoffs." He spit in his team's face by juicing a 124, which could have saved his team - if only it had counted. For the rest of the games, he alternated between heckling his own teammates and berating Brandon for abusing his dog. Oh, Beauties. If only you'd played "Head Homo" during game 1, perhaps you could have peacefully communed yourself a spot in the finals. Sucks for you. (that's what she said)

3-0 for the Tards!! Championships, bitches!! The Tards can taste the beer from the golden trophy even now.....

Meanwhile.....

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: What the f-- happened to the Hookers? They have had a rough couple of nights. First, Pilgrim Greg Berg and Norm aka Rodney, two top gigolos, hit a mid-season slump. Then, Jesse "Darryl Strawberry" Drollette battled the demons of alcoholism and a bad case of juicing which messed up his game. Then the travesty of last night. Granted, they did win one game. But this was the undefeated number one seed! Was it the shots? The pressure? Maybe pimpin' really isn't that easy? Or was it.....

Dan Motherf--ing Reid.

I mean, what can you do against a team that has Dan "Motherf-ing" Reid? He has his own theme song! He had on a light-up "SEXY" shirt, for Christ's sake! Not to mention, this same team has JerSean LePaulsen, who didn't allow his ongoing feud with Korpacz (or his double shot vodka tonics) disrupt him from bowling a 127 average last night. It was as though Paulsen took all his rage and volume and craziness and channeled it back into his team.
(side note: very funny moment when an inebriated LePaulsen accidentally drops his ball and it rolls back into the seats. Then he does it again, on purpose)

So it's over. The night that determined everything for the season. It's 8 Balls and a Split vs. Tartar and the Tards for the Championship finals, and it's gonna be a helluva fight. God save the Tards if Dan Reid brings his SEXY shirt again. Or what if he has something EVEN SEXIER planned?? Is it possible???

MOTHERFUCKING FINALS NEXT WEEK!!!!

Be there. Or else.

Biggest Loser Bowling Club. We're changing lives.

-The Commish