Week 3 brought out the highest attendance to date - a monstrous 18 bowlers, perhaps in order to see some repeat antics of JerSean LePaulsen? - but the crowd would be disappointed. He restrained himself to single shot drinks instead of doubles - and it paid off in giving him the Most Improved Bowler award - his average jumped from a measly 77 to an impressive 123. Supposedly, the lesson learned is that one plays better sober??? But that can't be right....
Week 3 also brought us some of the most impressive stats to date. Pilgrim Greg Berg, who gave us our first turkey of the season last week, one-upped himself by delivering an incredible two more turkeys this week. And then he killed an Indian for good measure. You'd think that'd be enough to win him most impressive feat of the evening, but then MVP Lappy had to go and get five freaking strikes in a row. I'm not sure anyone will be able to unseat this Kingpin -- and Derek "Wrecking His Wallet" Kind is currently 60 bucks in the hole.
That said, here are the results:
Tartar and the Retards vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Man, those Beauties cannot catch a break. In spite of an extremely upbeat and positive outlook, the Beauts were bowled over by the Tards 3 games to zip. The Tards, fueled by anger (and possibly 'roids), were the thundercloud to the Beauties' sunshine, and in spite of an amazing performance by Camilla "Chumsys" Dahnak (see how cute their nicknames are?), it was basically like watching the Care Bears take on a pack of wild grizzly bears. They didn't stand a chance. The Beauties remain adorable, but in dead last place, having won only one game so far. Perhaps they can still win the Best Attendance Award?
The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: At first, it seemed like a classic underdog story - the scrappy 8 Balls managed to topple the mighty Goliath first place Hookers in the first game, giving the unbeatable Hookers their first loss of the season. De-Wrecking Ball Kind lived up to his team name by taking on a 7-6 split, and doing the thing that everybody tries to do, but never works - ricocheting one pin into another for the spare. And of course, let's not forget JerSean LePaul, who laid off the sauce and started to bowl like he'd promised. Even recently sex-changed Kerin Finn had gotten his(her) patented "creep" move down and was bowling in the solid 120s. But alas, the Hookers came back in the second and third due to Plymouth Rock founder Greg Berg and his turkeys. They remain solidly in first at 8-1, but their perfect record was broken (the Tards are very happy about this, since they're in second place).
Biggest Balls of Them All Award: Clearly Lappy. 5 motherf-ing strikes!! In a row!! Maybe we should just name the award the Lappy award instead? Thank god he's on my team.
Benedict Arnold Award: Brandon "Co-Commish" Roberts, for twice trying to trade himself onto a new team. A little team loyalty would be nice, Brandon - or should I call you Brutus? Oh, and p.s., Lappy makes a strong case for himself as the Co-Commish, seeing as he was making things happen last night both on and off the alley, so there may be another coup in store. Brandon may find himself Secretary of Transportation by the end of the season.
Most Promising Female: Last night, it was definitely Camilla, who was all strikes, spares, and smiles, playing the self-reported "best game of her life" (just don't look at her last game). Note: this is not a spelling error, it is most promising female, not most promiscuous, just in case anyone was confused. Or excited.
Next week, we go back to the beginning of the rotation, with Tartar and the Retards taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the Bowled and the Beautiful taking on the Hookers (yikes - slaughter alert). Detailed results attached.
Oh, and by the way, no more 5 people games. 4 Maximum. I don't care if your teammates are all there, and they look at you with tears in their eyes - someone must sit out a game. Otherwise, we run the risk of not finishing, like we did last night. The Commish has given her verdict. No appeals.
Ok, see you all next week, 8pm sharp!
-Tartar "The Commish" Canny
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