Quote of the night:
Butch waitress about Kerin Finn: "I think he needs a bigger ball. He's stronger than that."
JerSean LePaulsen: "Korpacz won't fight. He went to some school with sisters of mercy and shit -- Oh Korpacz, did you hurt your knee again? That's what I thought!"
JerSean to Korpacz: "You don't edit with your knee!!"
JerSean: "Korpacz? Who's Korpacz? Who's this guy who can't sniff my bowling jock strap?"
JerSean: "Did you see that, bro? That's what a knee's supposed to do, you sonofabitch!!"
JerSean: "Let it be known that Korpacz is the new head homo of the night!"
Korpacz (when asked to respond to Jersean's various accusations): "Fuck that pussy." End quote.
So....I guess you can figure out from above that JerSean LePaulsen was up to his usual antics last night. As he said himself, "There's always one asshole, and that's me." And to think I was worried that I wouldn't have enough quotes from last night?
Korpacz, aka Jay Z, came out of retirement last night. Again. Sigh. You know, if you keep putting out albums, ahem, "bowling" after you've "given up the game for good", twice, we kinda stop believing you. Perhaps this was the reason behind JerSean LePaulsen's shameless onslaught of Michael "Jordan" Korpacz. I'm sure there was another side to the disses, but I couldn't hear them - JerSean's volume was turned up to 11. For once, though, JerSean actually walked the walk - he had a respectable 126 average to Korpacz's.....99. Autumn, you left too early!
In spite of lots of nervous Nellies worried about "what if there's a tie?? what will we doooooo??"...there was no need for concern. Tartar and the Retards held on to their number one spot, pulled down their pants, and then waved their junk in the Hookers faces. Hookers lost two of their games, Tartar and the Tards won two, and all was right with the playoffs.
For the more detailed recap, read on!
Tartar and the Retards vs. the Bowled and the Beautiful: Well, you can't say they lack for effort. The Beauties have proven again and again they are by far the most resourceful team this season. They have gone above and beyond in their attempts to win - from drug use, to barely legal juicing, to magic (DRAGONBALL), to Camilla's tight and distracting stretch pants - all to no avail. And so, like any lost and desperate Hollywood starlet, they turned to....Buddhism. That's right, fresh off a meditation session, and calm as a lake in July, they came to the game not angry, but benevolent. They had nothing but love and New-Age-y sayings, such as, "We have nothing to lose, and therefore, everything to gain," and "Let's play for the love of the game. It's all about love." And honestly, Brandon formerly "Brutus" now "Moonflower" Roberts, should've put on his Kabbalah bracelet weeks ago, cause he had the best game of his life. And, to quote him directly, "I rarely toot my own horn (lie), but I have the highest 3 game total of all time." I checked. It's true. Buddha shined on Roberts last night. Namaste.
Alas, the Beauties were not able to overcome the Tards except in game 2 (and almost in game 1, due to Camilla's kinda unfair foul call by the gods of bowling, aka the machine that miraculously runs the game - who knew there were fouls in bowling?). The Tards beat them fair and square in the final game, sealing their victory (and um....we're playing each other next week).
Let them eat cake! There's a new QueenPin in town! Autumn "Bringing the Fall" DeVitry, former reining QueenPin with last week's 159, left early, perhaps to go pitch in the World Series, or some other sport that she's "just okay" at. And while she was away, her crown was taken from her by early season favorite, "Maeagamite" McDonough! And by 1 pin! Bowling like we pay her for it (that contract is high!), she finally delivered with a crazy-amazing 160. Also, she probably has the cutest form of anyone. Just saying.
Onto the next game....
The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: Jesse "Red Lobster" Drollette, rolled in off set with a massive sunburn and a crazed look in his eyes. If his team, those randy old Hookers, could sweep 8 Balls, then they would have the number one slot back in hand. (Take that slot in hand!) But no one counted on the 8 Balls secret weapon - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid. It was possibly a mistake that he came last week, but when Reid came back for more this week, the Hookers began to run to their Daddies. Cause Dan Reid bowls like an executive watches a rough cut - fast, not paying much attention, and with little regard to rhyme or reason. He has slowly (and suavely) become the 5th highest average in the league - and this is only his second week, so Brofman, Jesse, and maybe even Lappy needs to watch out. Averaging a 144 this week!! 4 strikes in a row!! If he hadn't gotten drunk on Chablis the last game, it probably would've been even higher. Definitely in the Commish's picks as one to watch.
On the love front, recently sex-changed Kerin Finn was being admired from afar by our lovely ladyman waitress, Randy* *not actual name. He/She admired Kerin's strong but subtle stroke, but warned that, "His ball is too light. He needs a bigger ball for that strength." The guy/girl might've been right, cause if you take a look at attached picture, Kerin literally busted out of his shirt last night, Incredible Hulk-style. Perhaps the hipster's threads were a little too well-worn, but I prefer to believe that once his/her strength was admired by future love interest Randy, those tiny biceps could not contain themselves. Is there anything more romantic than two ambiguously sexed people finding one another? (don't answer that)
Ok, starting to ramble. A couple of things I missed -- Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" Dhaka bowling a 132!!! Brandon "Moonflower" Roberts bowling best game ever, including 4 strikes in a row!! Dawn "Of a New Era" now "Red Dawn" due to her lethality to Communists and dog haters!!
I'm spent. Next week, get ready for some deja-vu as Tartar and the Retards play the Bowled and the Beautiful. And The Hookers play 8 Balls and a Split. Again. Hey Korpacz, maybe you should come out of retirement again?
Ok, one last JerSean LePaulsen quote: "8 Balls and a Split getting ready for the playoffs!! Deal with that, bitches!!"
PLAYOFFS!!!
-The Commish
Butch waitress about Kerin Finn: "I think he needs a bigger ball. He's stronger than that."
JerSean LePaulsen: "Korpacz won't fight. He went to some school with sisters of mercy and shit -- Oh Korpacz, did you hurt your knee again? That's what I thought!"
JerSean to Korpacz: "You don't edit with your knee!!"
JerSean: "Korpacz? Who's Korpacz? Who's this guy who can't sniff my bowling jock strap?"
JerSean: "Did you see that, bro? That's what a knee's supposed to do, you sonofabitch!!"
JerSean: "Let it be known that Korpacz is the new head homo of the night!"
Korpacz (when asked to respond to Jersean's various accusations): "Fuck that pussy." End quote.
So....I guess you can figure out from above that JerSean LePaulsen was up to his usual antics last night. As he said himself, "There's always one asshole, and that's me." And to think I was worried that I wouldn't have enough quotes from last night?
Korpacz, aka Jay Z, came out of retirement last night. Again. Sigh. You know, if you keep putting out albums, ahem, "bowling" after you've "given up the game for good", twice, we kinda stop believing you. Perhaps this was the reason behind JerSean LePaulsen's shameless onslaught of Michael "Jordan" Korpacz. I'm sure there was another side to the disses, but I couldn't hear them - JerSean's volume was turned up to 11. For once, though, JerSean actually walked the walk - he had a respectable 126 average to Korpacz's.....99. Autumn, you left too early!
In spite of lots of nervous Nellies worried about "what if there's a tie?? what will we doooooo??"...there was no need for concern. Tartar and the Retards held on to their number one spot, pulled down their pants, and then waved their junk in the Hookers faces. Hookers lost two of their games, Tartar and the Tards won two, and all was right with the playoffs.
For the more detailed recap, read on!
Tartar and the Retards vs. the Bowled and the Beautiful: Well, you can't say they lack for effort. The Beauties have proven again and again they are by far the most resourceful team this season. They have gone above and beyond in their attempts to win - from drug use, to barely legal juicing, to magic (DRAGONBALL), to Camilla's tight and distracting stretch pants - all to no avail. And so, like any lost and desperate Hollywood starlet, they turned to....Buddhism. That's right, fresh off a meditation session, and calm as a lake in July, they came to the game not angry, but benevolent. They had nothing but love and New-Age-y sayings, such as, "We have nothing to lose, and therefore, everything to gain," and "Let's play for the love of the game. It's all about love." And honestly, Brandon formerly "Brutus" now "Moonflower" Roberts, should've put on his Kabbalah bracelet weeks ago, cause he had the best game of his life. And, to quote him directly, "I rarely toot my own horn (lie), but I have the highest 3 game total of all time." I checked. It's true. Buddha shined on Roberts last night. Namaste.
Alas, the Beauties were not able to overcome the Tards except in game 2 (and almost in game 1, due to Camilla's kinda unfair foul call by the gods of bowling, aka the machine that miraculously runs the game - who knew there were fouls in bowling?). The Tards beat them fair and square in the final game, sealing their victory (and um....we're playing each other next week).
Let them eat cake! There's a new QueenPin in town! Autumn "Bringing the Fall" DeVitry, former reining QueenPin with last week's 159, left early, perhaps to go pitch in the World Series, or some other sport that she's "just okay" at. And while she was away, her crown was taken from her by early season favorite, "Maeagamite" McDonough! And by 1 pin! Bowling like we pay her for it (that contract is high!), she finally delivered with a crazy-amazing 160. Also, she probably has the cutest form of anyone. Just saying.
Onto the next game....
The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: Jesse "Red Lobster" Drollette, rolled in off set with a massive sunburn and a crazed look in his eyes. If his team, those randy old Hookers, could sweep 8 Balls, then they would have the number one slot back in hand. (Take that slot in hand!) But no one counted on the 8 Balls secret weapon - Dan "Motherf--ing" Reid. It was possibly a mistake that he came last week, but when Reid came back for more this week, the Hookers began to run to their Daddies. Cause Dan Reid bowls like an executive watches a rough cut - fast, not paying much attention, and with little regard to rhyme or reason. He has slowly (and suavely) become the 5th highest average in the league - and this is only his second week, so Brofman, Jesse, and maybe even Lappy needs to watch out. Averaging a 144 this week!! 4 strikes in a row!! If he hadn't gotten drunk on Chablis the last game, it probably would've been even higher. Definitely in the Commish's picks as one to watch.
On the love front, recently sex-changed Kerin Finn was being admired from afar by our lovely ladyman waitress, Randy* *not actual name. He/She admired Kerin's strong but subtle stroke, but warned that, "His ball is too light. He needs a bigger ball for that strength." The guy/girl might've been right, cause if you take a look at attached picture, Kerin literally busted out of his shirt last night, Incredible Hulk-style. Perhaps the hipster's threads were a little too well-worn, but I prefer to believe that once his/her strength was admired by future love interest Randy, those tiny biceps could not contain themselves. Is there anything more romantic than two ambiguously sexed people finding one another? (don't answer that)
Ok, starting to ramble. A couple of things I missed -- Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" Dhaka bowling a 132!!! Brandon "Moonflower" Roberts bowling best game ever, including 4 strikes in a row!! Dawn "Of a New Era" now "Red Dawn" due to her lethality to Communists and dog haters!!
I'm spent. Next week, get ready for some deja-vu as Tartar and the Retards play the Bowled and the Beautiful. And The Hookers play 8 Balls and a Split. Again. Hey Korpacz, maybe you should come out of retirement again?
Ok, one last JerSean LePaulsen quote: "8 Balls and a Split getting ready for the playoffs!! Deal with that, bitches!!"
PLAYOFFS!!!
-The Commish
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