EP 102

Quote of the night: "Why are the f--ing lights out?? What am I, a f--ing 15-year-old dropping acid?? (more expletives)" - Sean Paulsen (VERY LOUDLY)
Also, "Man, I can't find my bowling shoes!" -Sean Paulsen, immediately after turning them in

Only two weeks in, and already the league is awash in controversy. Allegations of juicing (aka practicing on the weekends), drug abuse, blatant hustling, and the infamous "One Pin" debacle have rocked the bowling league, and left many bowlers with a bad taste in their mouth (especially those who actually ate the food at the bowling alley). Plus, everyone's names were mispelled (sometimes hilariously--thanks to our lovely counter girl, Ambert). It was a travesty. More highlights below, but first of all, the results:

Team 1 vs. Team 2 (aka Tartar and the Retards vs. Jesse's Girls, renamed the Hookers--cause they prefer to get paid for it, I guess?): It was a tight match (that's what she said) between the Tards and the Hooks -- at times, one might say it was highway robbery (note, the Commish is very biased on this game, as her team lost). First off, straight up hustler Autumn "Bringin' the Fall" deVitry, after claiming that she was a "terrible bowler", and hoping she "wouldn't embarrass" her team, proved to be a hands down ringer with a starting score of 130, beating former Queenpin Dawn Haber by one pin. In spite of the balmy summer breeze outside, Autumn was the downfall of Tartar and the Retards, possibly even edging out former teammate Korpacz from ever playing again. Then there was the aforementioned "One Pin" controversy -- during game two, a single pin that had lingered in the gutter for almost the entire first game came to the Hookers rescue when Rodney threw a gutter ball, catapulting that pin back into the alley and knocking over a single pin, turning a gutter ball into a 1, and then converting it into a spare. Which wouldn't be that big a deal if the entire game hadn't come down to a two pin difference. Demoralized and defeated, Tartar and the Tards were defeated in the final game, making it a 3-0 win for the Hookers, who are now first place in the league (with a decided asterisk next to game 2). A rivalry is born.

Team 3 vs. Team 4 (aka The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. 8 Balls and a Split): Not much is know about this game, even by those who played it, because both teams got pretty obliterated throughout the match. The Barney Award (referencing Barney from the Simpsons) goes hands down to JerSean LePaulsen, who spent most of the game cursing out the disco lights, and kneeling like a defeated Samurai after every ball thrown. Hope he shows up today, cause no one knows how he got home last night (due to loud racial comments outside, he may have been accosted by ruffians in the parking lot). As for the actual results, The Bowled and the Beautiful started out strong due to Christopher Horne's hitting the juice - er, I mean, hitting the alleys this past weekend, but things took a downturn after he downed a pitcher of beer by himself somewhere around game 2. 8 Balls and a Split came out on top this week, pushing the Bowled and Beautiful into last place. Brandon and Dawn better stop going to concerts and start coming back to bowling -- you don't wanna go out like this. Paulsen had a 65 in the last frame, and his team still beat you. Yikes.

Head Homo Award (I swear, Christopher came up with this): Christopher Horne comes up the winner this week as the lead gay player, edging himself out from last week by 8 pins. Note: the league does not condone "practicing" on the weekends, but does acknowledge that said practices do take place and turns a blind eye, since it does enhance the game (and the muscles). As for the head homo award, the Commish predicts that Christopher will continue to dominate this award all season, since he is the only gay player - unless someone "switches teams" at some point in the season. My money is on Kevin Finn, whose name is already mispelled as Keri -- one step closer to the other side.

Biggest Balls of Them All Award: Michael "Lappy" LaPlante, in spite of a discouraging defeat, still managed to hit the highest score so far this season at 183. He continues to hold onto the Kingpin award with a strong average of 162.666667 this week - and $40 in the bank from his continuing bet with Derek "Not Wrecking Lappy" Kind. The tab will be high this season for Mr. Kind, thinks the Commish.

The Gobble! Gobble! Award!!: The first turkey of the season goes to master editor Greg Berg!! Late in game 3, in the tenth frame, no less, the mighty Mr. Berg pulled out the much coveted third strike. Hopefully, others will go on to get more turkeys for our Thanksgiving table throughout the season, but as everyone knows, nothing quite compares to the first time.

The Choke Award: Sadly, this goes to Maegan McDonaugh, who was our much hyped "best female". The pressure got to her, as she continued to be dogged by 9s and splits, leaving her with a sad starting average of 99. We may have found the solution, though -- much like Popeye needs his spinach, Maegan needs her Stella Artois -- she was a little too dry this game, due to the fact that she was spending her time getting the opposing team drunk and not enough time getting herself liquored up to play. This is a mistake her team will not let happen twice. JerSean LePaulsen better watch out - the Barney award may be snagged next time Maegan comes out to play.

Next week, Tartar and the Retards go head to head with the Bowled and the Beautiful (number 2 in the league vs. number 4 in the league), while the Hookers go on to cheat their way to the top against 8 Balls and a Split (note: Commish is still bitter about the "One Pin.") Detailed results attached. See you all next week, 8pm sharp!

-Tartar "The Commish" Canny