Quotes of the night:
From Meegan, aka Double E:
"Ho Ho Ho." Matt Gallagher aka Santa Claus
"Who got laid this week?" Motha Tucka
"I did. I did." Sexy Anne Frank
"What are you, like her rottweiler?" Double E in reference to Derek's protectiveness over Sexy Anne Frank
"I'm like her very own attic." Derek
"Those pins have been naughty Santa." Double E
"Could you guys have more splits?" Lappy
"Yeah, we're gettin split f***ed." Jesse
"All you can do is fuck the split back." Jesse
"This game's tighter than a virgin's vagina." Sexy Anne Frank
"I don't throw splits. It's not my thing." Finn
"Why is it always the middle pin?!?" Double E
"Because God hates you." Lappy
"Nine pins is as bad as blue balls." GI Joe
"You can suck on my ice cubes." An injured Motha Tucka who bowled the best game of his life.
"You hydrated, right?" Santa
"With beer." Double E
"You only need two pins. Don't mess it up you f***er." Chris Orne to Sean Paulsen on the last frame of the night. Paulsen proceeded to throw a gutter ball.
"So what's the secret weapon?" Double E
"I'll pull it out later. And no it's not my penis." Hale
From Lappy:
Meegan and Sara Scotti continued to turn the area between lanes into a god damn dance party... and late in Game 3 when Meegan was once again leading the charge and stomping us, a frustrated Lappy turned to Shyam and
said:
"Jesus Christ, it's like she's dancing on our grave"
From JerSean LePaulsen:
"Is Dawn brushing her ass off?" -JerSean to Head Homo
"Wouldn't you with an ass like that?" -Head Homo to JerSean
"Yeah, actually." -JerSean
"Are you kidding me? FUCK THAT Two pins......." -JerSean's voice trailing off, as he realizes he must change his team's catchphrase; as Hollie bowls a split leaving only the corner pins.
"Piranha likes the taste of blood in the water more than the taste of losing." -JerSean to anyone within earshot, as Piranha throws an early Game 2 strike after getting blown out of game 1.
"I have never been more sexually attracted to you than right now!" -Head Homo to JerSean; After picking up the split for the spare, JerSean thrusts his hips forward and makes the "Fuck It" motion with his hands...
"You bit down on that pin like it she was some Brazil-Argentine woman wading in the river." -JerSean to Piranha after another scoring frame, Game 2.
From Hols to the Wall:
"I'm so hardcore that I changed my bra before I came." - Hollie
Head Homo warns Christine that she's getting too close to the wood on the lane, she's needs to get off it (or something like that)
Christine: "I rarely get off the wood."
From Greg Berg:
Double E after bagging her turkey:
"I'm so happy! I never knew bowling could make me so happy!"
So....even though I wasn't there last night, I did have some guest bloggers/quote takers in the house, so I feel like we're pretty covered. I won't have the full stats until tomorrow, so you'll just have to deal with the recaps today.
As far as I can tell, the heroine of the night was clearly DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! Not only did she bowl the best game of her life (157), but she also kept amazing quote notes - and most impressively, wrote them on little scraps of paper (see attached picture). JerSean Le Paulsen also gets an honorable mention - although most of the quotes he kept track of were his own, I must say that I wish I was in the office when he had his roommate reading his summary over the phone to him. If that's not a team player, I don't know what is.
Here are the game recaps from our special guest recappers!
Tonight We Strike! vs. All Hale Thee Finns
As per Lappy:
GAME 1
Both teams fired out of the gate strong and it looked like this would be a good
game, but just past the halfway point, Tonight we strike began throwing up
strikes and spares like it was their job. Meanwhile, All Hale Thee Finns
couldn't buy a spare. Suddenly in the 8th frame, the game changed again, while
the Strikers slumped, the Finns turned it on, specifically Double E. Before I
knew it, Double E had rolled three strikes in a row, then topped off the last
part of the 10th with a spare, finishing with a 157. But alas, the strikers
weren't out of it yet, with two strikes and an 8, Lappy could triumphantly bring
victory to the strikers... it didn't happen.
GAME 2
Another seesaw battle, Greg Berg and Chris Harris shined, Lappy was below
average but good enough, and the Finns really struggled. Game 2 to the
Strikers. The highlight of this game happened at the start. Mike Hale steps up
to the lane which is now shrouded in blacklight and lasers, and proceeds to
throw and absolute shit fit, complaining about the lights, not being able to see
the arrows and just being fed up with it. (causing Lappy to look at him in
disgust and say, "Are you fucking serious?"). Then, from out of nowhere, Hale
screamed for his secret weapon... and Finn presented him with... NIGHT VISION
GOGGLES. Yes, night vision goggles. WIth his new found optical weaponry, Hale
strolled up confidently to the lane... and threw it in the gutter. Apparently
you can skimp when it comes to seeing in the dark.
GAME 3
Not much to say here, Greg Berg was the stud of the team again, Lappy floundered
again, Chris Harris solid again, but none of it mattered. Mike Hale FINALLY
gave the fans reason as to why he was the projected number 1 seed with a 215,
Tucker rolled a career high 150-something and the whole Finns team kicked ass.
Game 3 to the Finns
As per Mike Hale (who can now officially call himself "The Ringer")
DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E
Sure enough, the sole reason all hale the fins won 2-3 games was because of......DOUBLE E
Game 1 was close with the ringer deciding to suck balls and roll an embarassing 137, i swear if my father saw that he'd make me change my last name. With what was looking to be a lost cause "all hale the finns" came storming back with Double E bowling the game of her life, not only scoring a turkey but leading the team with the high score of the game with a 157.
Game two started off with some drama as Mike Hale dropped his ball mid swing during the 1st frame and went off on a rant complaining about "cosmic bowling" and the lack of light and the goddam disco strobes causing his game to suffer....which makes no sense what so ever considering he bowled a league low 137 with the lights on. Anywho, Kevin Finn came to the rescue by bringing out "The Secret Weapon"......wait for it......wait even longer.....NIGHT VISION. The league stopped as Hale strapped on his newly aquired night vision googles and approached the lanes. With a "clear" view of the pins the ringer approached the lanes with more clarity than his summer lasik precedure.......all that said...he bowled a gutter bowl on his first throw.
The Night Vision Googles didnt help "all hale the fins" infact they made the team worse, as they lost game 2.
After dropping game 2 "all hale the fins" regrouped, Hale found is rythm, posting a 215, Tucker came in and bowled his best game of the season, and with the help of Santa posting a high score we completely dominated game 3 winning by a lot.
This post sucks, the end.
JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns
As per JerSean LePaulsen:
JDD's shoulda been much more nervous going into this - going up against the other team's arguably best bowlers....
Game 1 was a bloodbath - BroMan and Maegamite were really on their games, they beat the shit out of Jerry and our second best bowler - right now, we don't have a second best bowler. Seriously, our second best player is anyone that can get over 120.....A 120!!!!! JerSean sat out game 1, since his scores are terrible this season, and we wanted to see what the new kid, Head Homo, could do. The Unknowns were quiet, letting their strikes and spares do the talking. But in a rare show of sportsmanship, there were high-fives being exchanged all night between teams due to only 2 Unknowns showing up.
Commish - you have the scores, we got our asses kicked. Think it was JerryCurl and Piranha versus Maeg and Broffy. Whatever.
Game 2 was much more competitive, but JDD's win. JerSean comes off the bench to start Game 2 with 4 scoring frames. JerryCurl is catching fire, which with the alley oil, coulda been a bigger deal. But strike, strike, spare, spare, spare, I mean...he got better with the lights off!!! A breakthrough moment for him. Scoring in the dark. The Unknowns have an off-game, Maeg's started slow but started picking up the spares. Broffy was rolling great, and it got close down to the 10th frame. JerSean and JerryCurl versus Maeg and Broffy. I think JerryCurl came up big and won it for us, before JerSean had to bowl his 10th frame.
Game 3 was up for grabs. The Wild West. Hundgen swooped in to save the day and joined his team of Unknowns, making it now 3 vs. 5.
I don't remember anything about this game other than: JerSean had 3+ vodka tonics; our team was doing decent; Hundgen was having an off-game, come on it was his first game of the night, but that gave the DD's a chance. Commish, check the scores, but I think that Broffy great, we had countered Maeg's score, it all came down to newcomer. Hudgen's presence gave our team a chance. That third bowler score that would now count, could beat Hundgen and maybe make up the difference that Broffy had over Jerry. But nobody stepped up on the JDD's. Head Homo bowled his game of the night, JerryCurl did well, but nobody else stepped up when it mattered most. In the entire last frame, Hollz and Piranha and JerSean had the chance to win. But nope. We lost by 2. 2 FUCKIN PINS.
FUCK THOSE TWO PINS
And Last, and certainly Least Entertaining Recap of the Night!:
Straight...and Hard vs. Three Hole Surprise:
As Per Poopy Pants Roberts:
The series was tied 1-1. In the 3rd game, Straight and Hard bowled the best game of their young season (and 3rd best overall) with a 698 in large part because of Christine’s career high game of 133. However, 3 Hole Surprise put their collective moose cock in our pee hole (not the vagina hole) with the 2nd best overall game this season with 731 to win the night and take their share of first place with a 6-3 record.
Sorry but Patrick and I are swamped and this is the 47th thing in our list of priorities, and I just crossed it off. My name is Brandon and I am incredibly lame. And have a small penis.
And that's all folks! I'll send out the stats tomorrow.
This email has been Holocaust-free.
-The Commish
From Meegan, aka Double E:
"Ho Ho Ho." Matt Gallagher aka Santa Claus
"Who got laid this week?" Motha Tucka
"I did. I did." Sexy Anne Frank
"What are you, like her rottweiler?" Double E in reference to Derek's protectiveness over Sexy Anne Frank
"I'm like her very own attic." Derek
"Those pins have been naughty Santa." Double E
"Could you guys have more splits?" Lappy
"Yeah, we're gettin split f***ed." Jesse
"All you can do is fuck the split back." Jesse
"This game's tighter than a virgin's vagina." Sexy Anne Frank
"I don't throw splits. It's not my thing." Finn
"Why is it always the middle pin?!?" Double E
"Because God hates you." Lappy
"Nine pins is as bad as blue balls." GI Joe
"You can suck on my ice cubes." An injured Motha Tucka who bowled the best game of his life.
"You hydrated, right?" Santa
"With beer." Double E
"You only need two pins. Don't mess it up you f***er." Chris Orne to Sean Paulsen on the last frame of the night. Paulsen proceeded to throw a gutter ball.
"So what's the secret weapon?" Double E
"I'll pull it out later. And no it's not my penis." Hale
From Lappy:
Meegan and Sara Scotti continued to turn the area between lanes into a god damn dance party... and late in Game 3 when Meegan was once again leading the charge and stomping us, a frustrated Lappy turned to Shyam and
said:
"Jesus Christ, it's like she's dancing on our grave"
From JerSean LePaulsen:
"Is Dawn brushing her ass off?" -JerSean to Head Homo
"Wouldn't you with an ass like that?" -Head Homo to JerSean
"Yeah, actually." -JerSean
"Are you kidding me? FUCK THAT Two pins......." -JerSean's voice trailing off, as he realizes he must change his team's catchphrase; as Hollie bowls a split leaving only the corner pins.
"Piranha likes the taste of blood in the water more than the taste of losing." -JerSean to anyone within earshot, as Piranha throws an early Game 2 strike after getting blown out of game 1.
"I have never been more sexually attracted to you than right now!" -Head Homo to JerSean; After picking up the split for the spare, JerSean thrusts his hips forward and makes the "Fuck It" motion with his hands...
"You bit down on that pin like it she was some Brazil-Argentine woman wading in the river." -JerSean to Piranha after another scoring frame, Game 2.
From Hols to the Wall:
"I'm so hardcore that I changed my bra before I came." - Hollie
Head Homo warns Christine that she's getting too close to the wood on the lane, she's needs to get off it (or something like that)
Christine: "I rarely get off the wood."
From Greg Berg:
Double E after bagging her turkey:
"I'm so happy! I never knew bowling could make me so happy!"
So....even though I wasn't there last night, I did have some guest bloggers/quote takers in the house, so I feel like we're pretty covered. I won't have the full stats until tomorrow, so you'll just have to deal with the recaps today.
As far as I can tell, the heroine of the night was clearly DOUBLE E! DOUBLE E! Not only did she bowl the best game of her life (157), but she also kept amazing quote notes - and most impressively, wrote them on little scraps of paper (see attached picture). JerSean Le Paulsen also gets an honorable mention - although most of the quotes he kept track of were his own, I must say that I wish I was in the office when he had his roommate reading his summary over the phone to him. If that's not a team player, I don't know what is.
Here are the game recaps from our special guest recappers!
Tonight We Strike! vs. All Hale Thee Finns
As per Lappy:
GAME 1
Both teams fired out of the gate strong and it looked like this would be a good
game, but just past the halfway point, Tonight we strike began throwing up
strikes and spares like it was their job. Meanwhile, All Hale Thee Finns
couldn't buy a spare. Suddenly in the 8th frame, the game changed again, while
the Strikers slumped, the Finns turned it on, specifically Double E. Before I
knew it, Double E had rolled three strikes in a row, then topped off the last
part of the 10th with a spare, finishing with a 157. But alas, the strikers
weren't out of it yet, with two strikes and an 8, Lappy could triumphantly bring
victory to the strikers... it didn't happen.
GAME 2
Another seesaw battle, Greg Berg and Chris Harris shined, Lappy was below
average but good enough, and the Finns really struggled. Game 2 to the
Strikers. The highlight of this game happened at the start. Mike Hale steps up
to the lane which is now shrouded in blacklight and lasers, and proceeds to
throw and absolute shit fit, complaining about the lights, not being able to see
the arrows and just being fed up with it. (causing Lappy to look at him in
disgust and say, "Are you fucking serious?"). Then, from out of nowhere, Hale
screamed for his secret weapon... and Finn presented him with... NIGHT VISION
GOGGLES. Yes, night vision goggles. WIth his new found optical weaponry, Hale
strolled up confidently to the lane... and threw it in the gutter. Apparently
you can skimp when it comes to seeing in the dark.
GAME 3
Not much to say here, Greg Berg was the stud of the team again, Lappy floundered
again, Chris Harris solid again, but none of it mattered. Mike Hale FINALLY
gave the fans reason as to why he was the projected number 1 seed with a 215,
Tucker rolled a career high 150-something and the whole Finns team kicked ass.
Game 3 to the Finns
As per Mike Hale (who can now officially call himself "The Ringer")
DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E (CLAP CLAP) DOUBLE E
Sure enough, the sole reason all hale the fins won 2-3 games was because of......DOUBLE E
Game 1 was close with the ringer deciding to suck balls and roll an embarassing 137, i swear if my father saw that he'd make me change my last name. With what was looking to be a lost cause "all hale the finns" came storming back with Double E bowling the game of her life, not only scoring a turkey but leading the team with the high score of the game with a 157.
Game two started off with some drama as Mike Hale dropped his ball mid swing during the 1st frame and went off on a rant complaining about "cosmic bowling" and the lack of light and the goddam disco strobes causing his game to suffer....which makes no sense what so ever considering he bowled a league low 137 with the lights on. Anywho, Kevin Finn came to the rescue by bringing out "The Secret Weapon"......wait for it......wait even longer.....NIGHT VISION. The league stopped as Hale strapped on his newly aquired night vision googles and approached the lanes. With a "clear" view of the pins the ringer approached the lanes with more clarity than his summer lasik precedure.......all that said...he bowled a gutter bowl on his first throw.
The Night Vision Googles didnt help "all hale the fins" infact they made the team worse, as they lost game 2.
After dropping game 2 "all hale the fins" regrouped, Hale found is rythm, posting a 215, Tucker came in and bowled his best game of the season, and with the help of Santa posting a high score we completely dominated game 3 winning by a lot.
This post sucks, the end.
JerSean's Designated Drivers vs. The Unknowns
As per JerSean LePaulsen:
JDD's shoulda been much more nervous going into this - going up against the other team's arguably best bowlers....
Game 1 was a bloodbath - BroMan and Maegamite were really on their games, they beat the shit out of Jerry and our second best bowler - right now, we don't have a second best bowler. Seriously, our second best player is anyone that can get over 120.....A 120!!!!! JerSean sat out game 1, since his scores are terrible this season, and we wanted to see what the new kid, Head Homo, could do. The Unknowns were quiet, letting their strikes and spares do the talking. But in a rare show of sportsmanship, there were high-fives being exchanged all night between teams due to only 2 Unknowns showing up.
Commish - you have the scores, we got our asses kicked. Think it was JerryCurl and Piranha versus Maeg and Broffy. Whatever.
Game 2 was much more competitive, but JDD's win. JerSean comes off the bench to start Game 2 with 4 scoring frames. JerryCurl is catching fire, which with the alley oil, coulda been a bigger deal. But strike, strike, spare, spare, spare, I mean...he got better with the lights off!!! A breakthrough moment for him. Scoring in the dark. The Unknowns have an off-game, Maeg's started slow but started picking up the spares. Broffy was rolling great, and it got close down to the 10th frame. JerSean and JerryCurl versus Maeg and Broffy. I think JerryCurl came up big and won it for us, before JerSean had to bowl his 10th frame.
Game 3 was up for grabs. The Wild West. Hundgen swooped in to save the day and joined his team of Unknowns, making it now 3 vs. 5.
I don't remember anything about this game other than: JerSean had 3+ vodka tonics; our team was doing decent; Hundgen was having an off-game, come on it was his first game of the night, but that gave the DD's a chance. Commish, check the scores, but I think that Broffy great, we had countered Maeg's score, it all came down to newcomer. Hudgen's presence gave our team a chance. That third bowler score that would now count, could beat Hundgen and maybe make up the difference that Broffy had over Jerry. But nobody stepped up on the JDD's. Head Homo bowled his game of the night, JerryCurl did well, but nobody else stepped up when it mattered most. In the entire last frame, Hollz and Piranha and JerSean had the chance to win. But nope. We lost by 2. 2 FUCKIN PINS.
FUCK THOSE TWO PINS
And Last, and certainly Least Entertaining Recap of the Night!:
Straight...and Hard vs. Three Hole Surprise:
As Per Poopy Pants Roberts:
The series was tied 1-1. In the 3rd game, Straight and Hard bowled the best game of their young season (and 3rd best overall) with a 698 in large part because of Christine’s career high game of 133. However, 3 Hole Surprise put their collective moose cock in our pee hole (not the vagina hole) with the 2nd best overall game this season with 731 to win the night and take their share of first place with a 6-3 record.
Sorry but Patrick and I are swamped and this is the 47th thing in our list of priorities, and I just crossed it off. My name is Brandon and I am incredibly lame. And have a small penis.
And that's all folks! I'll send out the stats tomorrow.
This email has been Holocaust-free.
-The Commish
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