Quotes of the night:
"Bowl it straight!" - JerSean to Head Homo
"I can't!!" - Head Homo
"Head Homo is incapable of bowling straight!" JerSean
"Just drink your beer, eat your rice, and fucking bowl." - Derek to Reina
"They're picking up people off the street!! Who is this guy??? I want to see an ID badge!! I don't believe he really works here!!"
-Alex Katz re: his new arch nemesis, Kyle Swanson
"I'm so high right now. It's great cause when the pins go down, the lights blow up." -Brandon
"I hate that guy - he'll never work on my show." - Alex Katz re: Swanson
"Does he know he already works on BL?" (whispers Christopher Harris to me)
"There's an obvious difference in our balls!!" Double E to Head Homo
"Ya think?" -Head Homo
"Sexy Anne Frank didn't get laid this weekend." - observes Tucker (her second game wasn't so good)
"Sarah Scotti's bowling is directly affected by her sex life." -Mike Hale
"Are you hunting for gay turkeys?" - Red Dawn to Head Homo
"Aren't they all gay? Cockgobblers, anyone? - Head Homo. (to me) "Are you writing this down?? It's gold, I tell you!!"
"Double E ran out of E! Someone get this girl some ecstasy! Double E is an uptown girl with a ticket to downtown!!" - JerSean LePaulson
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you." -Double E to Head Homo
"I'm gay." -Head Homo
"That's why they give me two tries!!" - Camilla after rolling a gutterball, doing a little shimmy dance
"Oh, right, fucking high-five with the guy I've never seen before in my life!!!" - Alex Katz to JerSean, who just high-fived Kyle Swanson
"Christine is dead to me. She just lost an episode." - Alex Katz
"If Scott says he sucks or he's the worst player on his team again, I swear to god, I'm calling his wife and telling her to make him come home every Monday" - Angry Lappy. (sees me writing it down) "That's not quote-worthy, that's fact."
"It's like mixing sex with cyanide. It's making me hate something I love." -Jesse, re: the horrible, horrible music being played last night.
and then:
"This might be the best fucking song they played all night." - Jesse, re: Step by Step by NKOTB
I felt like last night, I accidentally stepped into a kindergarten classroom. People were tattling on each other, crying, Kevin Finn was wearing a diaper on his head, it was chaos. I'm gone for one week, one week! and look what I come back to. I'm like the teacher who was out sick one day and comes back to the kids painting the walls and peeing their pants. I almost had to put both Kevin Finn and Head Homo in time out! Don't make me take your quotes away, cause I will.
This week marked the first time the league has actually had to take steps to regulate juicing. Congress has recently been cracking down on me - I've tried to protect you all, but ever since Brandon "Conseco" Roberts brought it to my attention in his recently published tell-all book, Juiced: Wild Times in Biggest Loser Bowling, I've been forced to take action. I turn a blind eye to juicing during the week & juicing during the off-games, but when people are shooting up while they are in the middle of a game??? This cannot happen. I've got the Secretary of Fairness breathing down my neck, and I don't want to have to suspend some of our best bowlers -- or rather, our most entertaining bowlers. I'm looking at you, Kevin Finn & Head Homo. NO JUICING WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING A LEAGUE GAME. Or I will kick your ass out of this league, so help me god.
This week also brought us a new and highly entertaining rivalry - for those who didn't read the quotes, that would be Alex "Big Boss Man" Katz vs. Kyle "I'm a PA!" Swanson. Kyle has, on the DL, been steadily climbing up the individual rankings - while everyone else was distracted by the whole Lappy-Brofman-Hale triangle, Kyle has quietly slipped into fourth place in a tie with last season favorite, De-Recking Kind. Not to mention that he's managed to piss off the most powerful man in BL Sports, "Fluffy Puritan" Katz. As of press time, Swanson still had a job, but then again, I have yet to see him this morning.....
Continuing their slide into LeBron James territory, Straight...and Hard has weaseled themselves into the first place spot in the league - at the expense of becoming the most hated team. Let's hope the rest of the league unites in preventing them from "taking their talents" to the championships. Their latest villainous act? For fear of being accused of being Fox News again, I will phrase the accusations in question form, and let the league decide. For instance, isn't it interesting that the day that they are playing the best team in the league, the former number one spot, if you will, just so happens to be the day that they convince Christine, the only girl on the team, that she shouldn't worry about coming all the way from Ohai tonight! What a bother that would be! You should just go home, get some rest, you worked too hard today! And this would be the same night that they sweep the entire squad of The Unknowns (now XXX Productions - see paragraph below), who, based on league rules instituted and advocated by Secretary of Fairness Brandon Roberts, were forced to play everyone on their team twice, a squad that includes Camilla, admittedly the lowest average in the league? (sorry Chumsys, it won't last :). It's just interesting, that's all. How high up do their machinations go? Did they brainstorm the creative with Lubin for Christine's episode? Did they speak with the line producers in making the house in Ohai, rather than the far more convenient location of Malibu? How come Brofman, Christine's partner, somehow made it to the game? These are just questions, that's all. Just food for thought.
Anyways, the last topic at hand - the Unknowns unveiled themselves in week 4, and...I have to say, it was a bit of a letdown. Much like the girl who waited too long to have sex with her boyfriend, the anticipation was better. I kinda like their old nicknames better than the new porn names (although Camilla as Isaac Chicago is pretty funny, mainly cause of the gender switch. I imagine her smoking cigars now). The shirts are AMAZING though. The entire staff of El Dorado was aflutter about the shirts -- Dede totally wants one, p.s. I think we all do. Just to clarify, The Unknowns will now be known as XXX Productions - here are the old vs. new nicknames, but personally, I think they should stick with the old ones - they won more games.
Percy Sunrise - Brofman (formerly "Broman")
Fluffy Puritan - Alex Katz (formerly "Big Boss Man")
Suki Seeder - Maegan (formerly "Maegamyte")
Yogi Walnut - Hundgen (formerly "Hundjourno")
Atlas Franklin - Dan "Motherfing" Reid (also formerly "Reid My Lips")
Isaac Chicago - Camilla, formerly "Chumsys"
Ok - that takes care of business - except for my new favorite nickname, credit goes to Rodney - M. Night Shyam. The nickname gave Shyam a "Sixth Sense" score of 181 - let's hope he doesn't end up with a "The Last Airbender" type score by the end of the season. It's a surprise ending!! again....
Next week, we're all playing the one team we haven't played yet - we're at the halfway mark. It's the ultimate trifecta of rivals next week - Brofman and Katz vs. Lappy when Tonight We Strike! plays XXX Productions. Straight...and Hard hopefully gets bent by the Designated Drivers (not likely, but I like to root for the underdog), and All Hale Thee Finns plays 3 Hole Surprise.
New stats attached.
--The Commish, aka Bill O'Reilly
"Bowl it straight!" - JerSean to Head Homo
"I can't!!" - Head Homo
"Head Homo is incapable of bowling straight!" JerSean
"Just drink your beer, eat your rice, and fucking bowl." - Derek to Reina
"They're picking up people off the street!! Who is this guy??? I want to see an ID badge!! I don't believe he really works here!!"
-Alex Katz re: his new arch nemesis, Kyle Swanson
"I'm so high right now. It's great cause when the pins go down, the lights blow up." -Brandon
"I hate that guy - he'll never work on my show." - Alex Katz re: Swanson
"Does he know he already works on BL?" (whispers Christopher Harris to me)
"There's an obvious difference in our balls!!" Double E to Head Homo
"Ya think?" -Head Homo
"Sexy Anne Frank didn't get laid this weekend." - observes Tucker (her second game wasn't so good)
"Sarah Scotti's bowling is directly affected by her sex life." -Mike Hale
"Are you hunting for gay turkeys?" - Red Dawn to Head Homo
"Aren't they all gay? Cockgobblers, anyone? - Head Homo. (to me) "Are you writing this down?? It's gold, I tell you!!"
"Double E ran out of E! Someone get this girl some ecstasy! Double E is an uptown girl with a ticket to downtown!!" - JerSean LePaulson
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you." -Double E to Head Homo
"I'm gay." -Head Homo
"That's why they give me two tries!!" - Camilla after rolling a gutterball, doing a little shimmy dance
"Oh, right, fucking high-five with the guy I've never seen before in my life!!!" - Alex Katz to JerSean, who just high-fived Kyle Swanson
"Christine is dead to me. She just lost an episode." - Alex Katz
"If Scott says he sucks or he's the worst player on his team again, I swear to god, I'm calling his wife and telling her to make him come home every Monday" - Angry Lappy. (sees me writing it down) "That's not quote-worthy, that's fact."
"It's like mixing sex with cyanide. It's making me hate something I love." -Jesse, re: the horrible, horrible music being played last night.
and then:
"This might be the best fucking song they played all night." - Jesse, re: Step by Step by NKOTB
I felt like last night, I accidentally stepped into a kindergarten classroom. People were tattling on each other, crying, Kevin Finn was wearing a diaper on his head, it was chaos. I'm gone for one week, one week! and look what I come back to. I'm like the teacher who was out sick one day and comes back to the kids painting the walls and peeing their pants. I almost had to put both Kevin Finn and Head Homo in time out! Don't make me take your quotes away, cause I will.
This week marked the first time the league has actually had to take steps to regulate juicing. Congress has recently been cracking down on me - I've tried to protect you all, but ever since Brandon "Conseco" Roberts brought it to my attention in his recently published tell-all book, Juiced: Wild Times in Biggest Loser Bowling, I've been forced to take action. I turn a blind eye to juicing during the week & juicing during the off-games, but when people are shooting up while they are in the middle of a game??? This cannot happen. I've got the Secretary of Fairness breathing down my neck, and I don't want to have to suspend some of our best bowlers -- or rather, our most entertaining bowlers. I'm looking at you, Kevin Finn & Head Homo. NO JUICING WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING A LEAGUE GAME. Or I will kick your ass out of this league, so help me god.
This week also brought us a new and highly entertaining rivalry - for those who didn't read the quotes, that would be Alex "Big Boss Man" Katz vs. Kyle "I'm a PA!" Swanson. Kyle has, on the DL, been steadily climbing up the individual rankings - while everyone else was distracted by the whole Lappy-Brofman-Hale triangle, Kyle has quietly slipped into fourth place in a tie with last season favorite, De-Recking Kind. Not to mention that he's managed to piss off the most powerful man in BL Sports, "Fluffy Puritan" Katz. As of press time, Swanson still had a job, but then again, I have yet to see him this morning.....
Continuing their slide into LeBron James territory, Straight...and Hard has weaseled themselves into the first place spot in the league - at the expense of becoming the most hated team. Let's hope the rest of the league unites in preventing them from "taking their talents" to the championships. Their latest villainous act? For fear of being accused of being Fox News again, I will phrase the accusations in question form, and let the league decide. For instance, isn't it interesting that the day that they are playing the best team in the league, the former number one spot, if you will, just so happens to be the day that they convince Christine, the only girl on the team, that she shouldn't worry about coming all the way from Ohai tonight! What a bother that would be! You should just go home, get some rest, you worked too hard today! And this would be the same night that they sweep the entire squad of The Unknowns (now XXX Productions - see paragraph below), who, based on league rules instituted and advocated by Secretary of Fairness Brandon Roberts, were forced to play everyone on their team twice, a squad that includes Camilla, admittedly the lowest average in the league? (sorry Chumsys, it won't last :). It's just interesting, that's all. How high up do their machinations go? Did they brainstorm the creative with Lubin for Christine's episode? Did they speak with the line producers in making the house in Ohai, rather than the far more convenient location of Malibu? How come Brofman, Christine's partner, somehow made it to the game? These are just questions, that's all. Just food for thought.
Anyways, the last topic at hand - the Unknowns unveiled themselves in week 4, and...I have to say, it was a bit of a letdown. Much like the girl who waited too long to have sex with her boyfriend, the anticipation was better. I kinda like their old nicknames better than the new porn names (although Camilla as Isaac Chicago is pretty funny, mainly cause of the gender switch. I imagine her smoking cigars now). The shirts are AMAZING though. The entire staff of El Dorado was aflutter about the shirts -- Dede totally wants one, p.s. I think we all do. Just to clarify, The Unknowns will now be known as XXX Productions - here are the old vs. new nicknames, but personally, I think they should stick with the old ones - they won more games.
Percy Sunrise - Brofman (formerly "Broman")
Fluffy Puritan - Alex Katz (formerly "Big Boss Man")
Suki Seeder - Maegan (formerly "Maegamyte")
Yogi Walnut - Hundgen (formerly "Hundjourno")
Atlas Franklin - Dan "Motherfing" Reid (also formerly "Reid My Lips")
Isaac Chicago - Camilla, formerly "Chumsys"
Ok - that takes care of business - except for my new favorite nickname, credit goes to Rodney - M. Night Shyam. The nickname gave Shyam a "Sixth Sense" score of 181 - let's hope he doesn't end up with a "The Last Airbender" type score by the end of the season. It's a surprise ending!! again....
Next week, we're all playing the one team we haven't played yet - we're at the halfway mark. It's the ultimate trifecta of rivals next week - Brofman and Katz vs. Lappy when Tonight We Strike! plays XXX Productions. Straight...and Hard hopefully gets bent by the Designated Drivers (not likely, but I like to root for the underdog), and All Hale Thee Finns plays 3 Hole Surprise.
New stats attached.
--The Commish, aka Bill O'Reilly
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