EP 311

Important news! The championship game has been pushed to Monday, Oct. 17th, due to our need to sell more ad time and get the odds up in Vegas. Also, I'll be in NYC next week, so that may or may not have been a reason. Your season three SuperBowl-ing Tournament will be played by Minds in the Gutter (duh) and my very own team, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup! How does the Commissioner always manage to make the finals?? This is CRAZY. I would say it was fixed, but the guy who made the teams was out first round of the playoffs....so.....yeah.

So the question is - what is happening next week, if it's not the Championship? Well, in Super Bowl fashion, I propose that we do the All-Star game next week, our equivalent of the ProBowl, although hopefully with better attendance. This is the game where the top 16 bowlers play each other, March Madness style, in single elimination games. #1 plays #16, and figure out the rest. One person becomes the victor at the end of the night. It's tons of fun, and lots of surprises - Maegamyte made it all the way to the final two last season and almost took the whole tournament before Lappy rained on her parade. This is the top 16, in case you were wondering: (fyi, averages close at end of season - pre-playoffs)

1 - Lappy (162.8)
2 - Rick Shirey (154.2)
3 - Jerry Meech (153)
4 - Derek Kind (151.4)
5 - Mike Hale (149.3)
6 - Tucker Biggs (142.7)
7 - Kye Swanson (142.3)
8 - Devin McGovern (138.4)
9 - Jesse Drollette (135.5)
10 - Scott Brofman (134)
11 - Brandon Roberts (133.9)
12 - Alex Houlton (133.6)
13 - Steve O (133.5)
14 - Greg Berg (132.7)
15 - Will Simpson (130.7)
16 - Kevin Finn & Rodney Holland (129)

1st round matchups:

Lappy vs. Kevin or Rodney (Kevin and Rodney would need to have a game playoff to see who gets to be destroyed by Lappy)
Rick vs. Will
Jerry vs. Greg
Derek vs. Steve O
Hale vs. Houlton
Tucker vs. Brandon
Swanson vs. Broffy
Devin vs. Jesse

If anyone can't make it, we'll bump up someone. So yeah, that's what's going down. Just to make the email even longer, here are your quotes from the championships:

"Ooh, free drink!" - XXXtine, grabbing a drink off a trashcan outside of El Dorado

"There are little white dots everywhere!" - Roxy
"Omigod, she's doing mushrooms and bowling!" - Head Homo

"Just wait til the lights go out. Chris Orne might walk up and rape you." - Hale to post supervisor Adam, who was visiting

"Ever wonder why you never see Kevin Finn wearing shorts? That's why." - Lappy (you'd have to see Kevin Finn wearing shorts to understand)

Hale starts talking about fisting.
"Shut your fist hole. Fucker." - Camilla

"My entire team's on their period right now." - Hale

"Don't scratch your balls so obviously." - Me to Hale

"You keep eating my fucking carrots, I'm gonna fucking cut you." - Me to Hale

"What the fudge?" -Lil' Patrick
"You don't know how to bowl, that's what the fudge." - Head Homo

"Oh, here comes Captain McSmokeyPants!" -Camilla re: Jesse

"Where's the rapist? Hey, Hale!" - Head Homo

"He chooses to do well today, but loses his money every other day??" - Mugge, re: Jesse

"Mugge has a bigger dick than all of you." - Hale
"Yeah, it's like a forearm." - Mugge

(Head Homo throws the Rainball right down the center of the lane.)
"That's the straightest I've ever done anything." - Head Homo

"If I was a stripper, and I was dancing to Thriller, I would do this." -Dawn, bending her arm sideways and moving it slowly back and forth
"Here's an idea, just keep her away from the strip club." - Lappy

"When did he get good?" - Reina, re: Head Homo

"I had to shake some dew off the louie." - Head Homo
"How bout you strike some dew off the whatever you're talking about?" - Lappy

"Kevin, if you gutterball, I'll give a blowjob every day for a month!" - Head Homo
"2 blow jobs!" -Tucker
(a blow job auction resumes - Kevin does not throw a gutterball regardless.)

This is not a quote, but I'd like to note that XXXtine had light-up boobs at the end of the night. Just saying.

So short version recap (too late), my team fucked the Dicks, 'nuff said - Jesse on Vicodin is a force to be reckoned with, and Limp Dick Rick is still at half mast. Valiant effort by John Berardi, who came straight from the airport to bowling (almost worthy of Brofman dedicated-ness), but he was too late to save the Dicks from blowing it. I guess they spent their load on the season, and didn't save anything for the playoffs. Hey-yo!

As for Sunshine & the O'Neals, they went in thinking they had to win the first two games, as Lappy and Reina had a super early BL marathon call time looming over their head. They lost the first game by a measly 16 pins, and came back to win the 2nd game, which, followed by a call saying their call time was pushed back to 8am, rallied the troops. But instead of a Cinderella story, it was a slasher flick, and Minds in the Gutter tortured the O'Neals in various rooms, and whipped them in the last game. Jerrycurl wore the jigsaw mask, surprisingly (it's more in character with Kevin Finn, Tucker, or Sexy Anne Frank, right?). Jerrycurl thinks the key was that Head Homo was heckling his team the whole game, especially Lil' Patrick, but got focused during the third game and actually started bowling. Big mistake. Also, Dawn's stripper moves were clearly distracting the whole team.

Have fun at the All-Star game, I'll see you in two weeks at the motherf-ing Championships!!!!

-The Commish