EP 307

Quotes of the night:

"Goddamn I am a good bowler everybody!!! Watch and fucking learn!!" - JerSean

"He's an inspiration to the Special Olympics." - Korpacz

"6 strikes in a row! It's the hair! And he had sex with a girl the same day he cut it!" - Brandon
"He should cut his hair all the time!" - Maegamyte
"No, he needs to conserve it, before he unleashes it!" - Double E
"That sounds kinda scary." - Maegamyte

"Who's popping bottles?" - Double E
"You're actually asking that?" Brandon
"I've been away a long time." - Double E

"Why are we toasting again?" Double E
"Life, happiness, boobies." - Korpacz

Christine Reed pounds her boobs and throws out her hands as though she's tossing something. "I'm spraying milkshakes all over you!"

"Can my nickname be STD?" -Christine Reed
"Does it stand for something? Besides sexually transmitted disease." - Me
"I just thought it would be funny! STD-free since 1993!" - Christine
"How old were you in 1993?" - Me
"I was a really promiscuous 7-year-old." - Christine, now christened by me, ChrisSTDine (say it out loud, it makes sense)

"You gotta go over there and talk to them, because they don't know how to bowl!!" - angry senior citizens bowling league member, complaining to Chris at the counter
"Well, I've been watching them for awhile now, and they do." - Chris

"I woulda smacked my hand against the ball return, but it hurts too much from the past 2 weeks." - JerSean
"From what?" - Korpacz
"From fucking smacking my hand against the ball return!!" - JerSean
(are these two the new Laurel & Hardy??)

"JerSean LePaulsen is the best bowler ever....wow, is that guy human? Omg...whoa. What an animal!
p.s. I love penis in my pants." - A quote written in my book by JerSean & Korpacz - try to guess who wrote which part

"How old is Korpacz?" - Me
"40?" - Brofman
"53?" - Greg Berg
"Yeah, I'm 53! I'm like the Energizer Battery, I keep going." - Korpacz
"Battery? Don't you mean Bunny?" - Megashark
"What is this, a fucking spelling bee??" - Korpacz

"I suck at bowling - my tits are great, but they're not carrying me." - ChrisSTDine

"I think there's a rape going on here." Korpacz, observing ChrisSTDine & Kevin Finn dancing together

"She's like the anti X-O. She's the triple X-O!" - Brofman (*Xtine Owen = X-O, ChrisSTDine = XXX-O. It's science. Or math?)

"Doesn't that hurt?" -Greg Berg, observing ChrisSTD chest bump someone for the 100th time
"They seem to be very resilient." - Me

"If my wife knew how many times I've chest-bumped tonight, I'd be divorced." -Brofman


I don't want to exaggerate or anything, but last night was possibly the best night in bowling history - and for sure, hands down, the best of season 3. It was partly due to the high attendance, including fan favorite Double E (double e! (clap clap) double e!). It also maybe had something do with the fact that we had a dance-off straight out of an 80's movie. And let's not forget that Professor LePaulsen bowled a record (well, at least for his record) 6 strikes in a row and nearly broke all of the furniture in El Dorado, including the windows, due to yelling. (This may have had something to do with the senior citizens league complaining - they were bowling right next to him.) But it also, 100%, had something to do with the best bowler debut since JerSean himself - Miss. Christine. Mother-Fing. Reed. That is the last time that she will be called that, since she has christened herself with the nickname of STD - no, it doesn't stand for anything clever - which might be the best nickname since the other Christine's V (especially since she chose it herself). And never could there be too more opposite Christines. If Christine Owen is the vagina of the league, then ChrisSTDine is the BOOBIES, with extra capital letters. In fact, I think we all would love to see both Xtines in full effect next week - especially considering Xtine "V" Owen has been renounced by at least one team member ("She done. Two weeks she missed for manicures!!"), and the Commish is giving her one last chance to come next week before she gets Auf'd like poor Hols to the Wall.

But back to ChrisSTDine. It's hard to describe to those who weren't there last night just how much good times were brought by just one new member. First off, she has a bowling style to rival JerSean - literally, every throw was followed through with her entire body collapsing to the floor in a kneeling fetal position (and also, usually a fault). Second, she doesn't mess around with the beer - she goes straight to jack and cokes and keeps them flowing. She already has a signature move - I'm planning to call it the Milkshake Spray. She's already in my list of nominees for best dancer (although it's gonna be hard to rip that throne from Sexy Anne Frank, as was demonstrated last night...) True - she's dangerous - she did have to be continually reminded to "Wait! Wait for the thing to go up!" since she had a tendency to throw one ball immediately after another, regardless of if the gate was down or not. Also, I may be a bit biased in her awesomeness, given the number of times she stroked my hair (and ass) last night, saying "you're so pretty...am I being creepy?", but guys. I see a star in the making. Or perhaps more appropriately, another life about to be ruined by the El Dorado Lanes.

Speaking of watching the throne - Sexy Anne Frank clearly has her eye on another win for Best Dancer this year. Double E's main contention last season was the Sexy Frank only had one move - the old reliable hip hop square. Clearly, the only way to settle this once and for all was a dance-off, which I've been hoping for since the awards ceremony. Unfortunately for Double E, Sexy Anne Frank was clearly waiting for just such a dance-off, because the moves she had were out of control. Nowhere to be found was the hip hop square. She was dancing in circles (literally) around Double E, dancing on chairs, even once appearing in between Double E's legs. Double E was unprepared for this dance explosion, and so humbly accepted her defeat. I personally believe there should be a rematch - but the fans can only hope and dream.

As for the actual games - the one to watch was clearly JerSean and his devil's haircut, which not only brought him some well-deserved lovin', but also a ridiculous score of 206!! Sadly, his killer score was outshone by his version of XXX-O, Big Willie Style, who was quietly beating his score (and his team) while JerSean was screaming and yelling on furniture. After losing the first game in spite of the 6 strike-a-thon, the team gave up, JerSean throwing a bowling ball halfway down the lane just for it to stop dead in the gutter, then throwing another bowling ball to join it, then smacking the ball return, then "Are Kidding Me??" and out. Also, Brandon seems unable to perform unless he's betting Jesse - he got Steve-O, Jesse's replacement high, but it just wasn't the same. Minds in the Gutter remain unbeatable, and All the Queens Men remain in dead last. Maybe Brandon is the curse?

As for my game, besides the entertainment value in ChrisSTDine, my team eked out a victory, 2-1, in spite of being staffed by nearly all alternates. Basically, to replace Jesse, I took a stoner (Steve-O) and a person named Jessica (Navarro) - the only thing missing was the anger at being quoted and the little white booties. The first game was pretty bleak - Korpacz was buying bottles by frame 2, after Brofman AND Megashark turkey'd to start (Korpacz and Greg Berg were also striking up a storm). ChrisSTDine made up for her lack of bowling with her abundance of boobies (I think she bowled something like a 60 average), but my team managed to climb her mountains to victory. Tits for us!

As for Sunshine and the O'Neal vs. the Dicks, Rick Shirey and his Hello Kitty pink wristband overpowered the Care-Bear stare of Dawn and her sunny team (I think it was 2-1). Oh, and Head Homo, here's your pity quote:
"Come on, you can get that, it's easy!" - H.H.
"No it's not!" - Camilla
"Yeah, but you are." H.H.
I'm sorry, I tried to put that as a quote of the night, but the editor in me wouldn't let me. You'll get 'em next time, tiger.


Speaking of next time - the matchups are Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Minds in the Gutter, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, and 1 Cup vs. the Dicks, and Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queens Men.

Also - announcement - the league is now CLOSED in terms of alternates. We love the rookies we've got - Roxy, FinnBerg, Steve-O, Jessica Navarro, and of course, ChrisSTDine, but as of this week, I'm closing the ranks - no more newbies. If you want to invite friends to come, that's fine, but they gotta bowl on the sidelines. Also - we welcome celebrity stop-bys, as Double E can attest - Hols to the Wall, this means you.

Ok - see you boobies next week.

-The Commish