EP 305

Quotes of the night:

"Having dinner with my lovebug cupcake face tonight <3 <3" - Korpacz, who left after game 1

"It's not your dad's Michael Korpacz, the guy who's doing blow and popping bottles. It's Michael Cupcake-face." - Brandon

"It looks like Greg Berg had sexual intercourse with Kevin Finn and made Adam Finnberg." - Brandon

"It's like if Frank Sinatra bowled." - Jesse, re: Jerrycurl

"Why is it so small?" - Me, re: JerSean's regular sized vodka soda
"Two words. De -De." -JerSean

"This is the most tainted bowling league in the world." - Brandon
"Did you say taint?" -Hale

"Boom goes the fucking dynamite!" - JerSean (is this becoming his new catchphrase?)

"If JerSean and Korpacz had a baby, it would look like Steve-O." - Brandon

"It's crazy how if people mated in this room, they would become other people in this room." - Brandon
"No one in this room should be allowed to mate." - Me

"Come on, pin! Just go down like your brothers!" - JerSean

"At least a full M.C. away from the pin." - JerSean
"No, it was way closer." - Me

"Woah, looks like we've got all the Queens Men!!! Oh, I guess that's the same." -JerSean, after Roxy, aka Le Bunny, bowls a strike

"I have a new sex term for you guys - sounding." - Head Homo
"Is that when someone cums in your ear?" - Jesse
"No, that would be deafening." - Head Homo

....this brings up Jesse's favorite sex term, docking - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=docking
"There's nothing you can get out of that." - Head Homo
"Except a cute picture. It's like holding hands, but with dicks. It's adorable." - Jesse
"Like a puppy wearing a sweater." - Brofman

"Dawn wasn't here tonight and we won. So who holds the curse????" - Head Homo (quote or controversy? not sure yet)

"Anytime in the 80s when there was a sitcom that had a bowling episode, my dad would provide the bowling balls. And then he would say, hey, can you stick my son somewhere?" - Hale, after revealing his 5-year-old grudge against Roseanne

"I was called out as a pedophile!" -Head Homo
"Well, you are a pedophile. You like fucking little boys." - Jesse
"18 is legal. And in Georgia, it's 14, which is awesome." Head "Pedophile" Homo

"I'll fist anyone, any time." - Head Homo
"I don't need to write that down, cause everyone knows it's true." - Me

"A week without Christopher quotes is like a week....without JerSean's STDs." - Head Homo

"Look, I like a good dick in my ass too." - Sexy Anne Frank

"You were a cunt-hair away." -Jesse, after I barely miss a pin

"I shaved!" - Me, when I pick up the spare

"I know science better than anybody. I work in reality tv." JerSean.
(Jesse misses the spare)
"He missed that. That was physics, aka science." JerSean


So - quiet night, everybody. I personally blame Michael Cupcake-face - without him yelling "Bottles!", no one else needs to raise their voice, and so overall, everyone is speaking at regular volume, aka I can't hear any of the quotes. Clearly, Cuddlebug Korpacz has chosen love over bowling, so while the rest of us are steadily destroying our relationships, he's building one. Good luck buddy - but expect to be called a sprained vagina a whole lot more. Luckily, Head Homo and Professor JerSean are there to pick up the slack, and neither seems to enjoy cuddling or writing hearts in computer language, so we're safe for the moment. (In fact, the first thing JerSean did when he arrived was take a Vicodin, washed down with a splash of Blue Moon. Yum) We've also picked up a possible replacement in our new recruit Steve-O, who, even though I just kind of arbitrarily gave him that nickname, has headbutted the actual Steve-O for the rights to that nickname and won, but Steve-O from Jackass is a jackass and didn't give up the name. God knows how much meth was involved in that interaction. Steve-O (the one who was there last night) also has the claim to fame of breaking his foot while moshing (?) barefoot (?) at a Rage Against the Machine concert (?), not in 1991, but this past weekend. I wasn't aware that a) people "moshed" anymore, and b) Rage Against the Machine still exists? Regardless of the time warp (how old is he??) Steve-O definitely has potential to out-rockstar Cutie Korpacz this season - stay tuned.

Which brings me to the fact of subs - we need to lay a few ground rules with them, especially if the people who came last night want to keep coming. Maybe we need to bring back the farm league, just so we know what the subs averages are? Do subs scores count? I think Commissioner of Fairness and I have to discuss this when we're not actually playing each other, but feel free to weigh in - does everyone want the subs scores to count, or do we only want team members' scores to count?

In other news, a new controversy has arisen in the O'Neal family between Sunshine and Head Homo - Head Homo has a valid point, since his team won without Dawn, but WITH Head Homo, who previous to now was known as his team's kryptonite. So has it been DAWN that is somehow jinxing her team with her sunny attitude all along, using Head Homo as her screen? This is clearly a case study that needs some further research, and I only know one person who has the proper scientific credentials - Professor LePaulsen. He is also doing field research on the use of interpretive dance in bowling and the physics of how much vodka one can drink while still remaining upright, so this may take awhile. Be patient. It's boring, but it's science.

As of next week, we hit the halfway mark, and start bowling the top of the rotation again - which means if you've been holding back, now's the time to hit your stride. This also means that Hols to the Wall, unless you get your balls to bowling next week, you are officially kicked out of this season, seeing as you've missed half of the games. Although first season, that happened and your team won the championship, so maybe The Dicks will discourage you from coming - though they are Dicks, they should be able to handle an additional vagina. Someone from that team, please also tell Hollie this news, because she has a tendency to not read my recaps (see season 2, when she didn't realize that she'd missed the championships).

Ok! Next week, we see if the Sunshine curse is a real thing, or just a Head Homo red herring, as Sunshine & the O'Neals take on Brandon's goddamn team who beat my team last night I hate them.

Also - my team takes on Jerrycurl Sinatra, who will easily outclass us - and hopefully not beat us too badly.

Lastly, Korpacz's Kids take on the Dicks, but will Korpacz's sprained vagina be able to to hold up to the onslaught? Or will he leave early to go to a Katherine Heigl movie? What is this world coming to??

Stay posted for standings, coming soon from Brofman.

-The Commish