EP 308

Ok. So I never wrote the bowling summary last week. And after a week's anticipation, it's never gonna live up to expectations. Which is almost as sad as the fact that the best bowling character to hit the El Dorado ball return is leaving the league, possibly forever. Maybe I was just trying to hang on to this recap, knowing that it was probably one of the best nights we've had at bowling in awhile, and one of my last with JerSean LePaulsen in it, resigning myself to a long playoff season of writing about the actual games. It's probably best for J LeP - the character hit its peak in drunken craziness a while ago, and in terms of trying to top himself, it was never going to end well - he was doomed to destroy either the bowling alley or himself. Also, judging by the haste in which he's leaving, I'm guessing there's a dead hooker involved, so we should probably just let him go, and tell the cops we don't know anything.

Anyway, tomorrow is is his last night, so everyone should come out for one last loud, obnoxious moment with Sir Sean LeP. I would say we should give him a moment of silence, but it's already going to be so much quieter when he's gone, it somehow doesn't seem necessary. On to the recap!

Quotes of the night:

"JerSean is moving to Chicago." - Brandon to Dede
"Aw, he's gonna get really fucked up, isn't he." - Dede, smiling fondly

"Do you remember me? Javier?" -Roxy to Al, aka Piranha

"The gays are liars!" -XXXtine
"That's true. We're total liars, we tell you you look good in those clothes you're wearing." - Head Homo

"It's like we're playing the Limp Dicks." - Rodney (no Rick Shirey, no Derek)

"Patrick made that shirt in 7th grade. And it still fits him." - Alex Katz re: Lil Patrick's glow in the dark tie-dye shirt

"We're never gonna finish - between the senior citizens and the smokers, we're screwed." - Rodney

"One day you will have kids and be able to be the loudest jackass in the world." -Alex Katz to JerSean

"We went down to the Dicks, went down on the Dicks. Is that what happened??" - Jesse

"Dicks know how to finish it." - Mugge

"Stick a dick in it, it's done." - Sloop John B

"Fucking replacement Dicks." - Jesse
"The Strap-Ons. These fucking dildos are keeping us afloat." - Sloop John B (who knew he had it in him?)

"I like all this dick talk." - Me

"Vaginas are funnier." - Jesse

"Do you treat our lanes like they're the AAA league?? You send Piranha over here to write quotes. Minor League Quote boy!!"
"He's a live logger." - Me
"Well, I don't see a computer!!!!" - JerSean (there was more to this rant, but all I wrote down was, "Blah blah blah, not getting quotes in the quotebook, blah blah blah.")

"Why are you abandoning us?" - Head Homo
"I'm running away from my problems." - JerSean
"Yeah, go run to Oprah!" - Head Homo

"Whose dick did you suck for that job & did you use the technique that I taught you?" - Head Homo
"No, cause your techniques suck!" - JerSean
"Clearly, you were doing it wrong." Head Homo

"You should know that Kerin Pinns and Sexy Anne Frank are banging on Sunday. The dialogue existed." - Double E

"The league is the best thing in our lives we will ever create." - Brandon

"I would rather swallow razor blades than listen to that crap." - A disgusted Alex Katz, trying to get away from JerSean

"Is it wrong, that I'm happy when Lappy is upset?" - Jerrycurl (haHA Jerry! You made the quote board!!)

Party foul on Steve-O, as he smashes a glass on the lane.
"That's what happens when you bring Dicks to a party." - Jesse

"What do you need, do you need a blowjob, I'll do that!" - Head Homo to Lappy
"I know you will." - Lappy

"We have enough bottles for 8 more games!" - Megashark

"$100 tab....at a bowling alley. Yeah, that makes sense." - Korpacz

Steve-O counting the money that he's won from Jesse. "Is $80 enough that your wife might notice?"

A fight breaks out between JerSean, Double E, Head Homo & Xtine, involving purses, shoes, and yelling.
"That was a JerSean tornado and I found the eye." - Head Homo

"Do you have a vagina?" - XXXTine
"No." - Head Homo

"Hey, come here, you got a chest to be bumped. (squeezes her boobs) They're still going strong." - XXXtine

"I chest bump-raped her in the boobs!" - XXXtine re: me.

"I think rape is funny. My dad was a great lover." - XXXtine

"It smells like weed in here!." -Jesse. Then he realizes it's his bowling bag.

"It'll be my Black Swan song next week. I'll be the Natalie Portman to their Mila Kunis. Find that person and get back to me." -JerSean

"Why are there no cute boys at bowling? It would help keep me awake." - Xtine

"This league is fucking bullshit!! Fuck this league, I quit." - an abridged version of Korpacz's staged rant, after he learned Le Bunny's scores didn't count

"Goddamn that dynamite went boom!!" - JerSean
"Actually, it's boom goes the dynamite." - Head Homo

"We have the turkey baking in the oven, just shut the fuck up right now!!" - JerSean

"What just fucking happened right here? O.M.G.!" - JerSean

"Why do they let us come here?" - Xtine

"Korpacz has a tramp stamp!" - Jessican (aka Jessica Navarro)

"It's like puppies wrestling." - Xinte re: JerSean & Korpacz fighting

"So I'm officially hooked again." - Double E


You know, I knew last Monday was amazing. But I had forgotten about so many things until I read through the quote book! Not to mention all the gems I missed from the sad performance of our live logger, Piranha, who was supposedly covering the action on the other side. Yes, I see the error of my ways in enlisting Piranha, quitter of bowling, to be my second-in-command. He started out fine, writing some mediocre quotes about DeadMaus & Lil Patrick's t-shirt, but then about two quotes in, he wrote "Sean Paulsen: "I suck at quotes and I'm a pussy," - aka, he got upset when he wasn't doing well at writing the quotes & that people were yelling at him, and he just gave up, which is strikingly parallel to what happened when he briefly bowled with us. Like Richard Marx said, I shoulda know better.

Regardless of what was lost in the bowling equivalent of the Gnostic Gospels (look it up, it's a super smart reference), I think I got a pretty good idea of what was happening over there - honestly, the yelling was so slurred I probably wouldn't have gotten many quotes of it anyway, and besides, the best parts came later in the night. The fight between JerSean, Double E, Head Homo and Xtine was easily my favorite, in that it made no sense, started out with Head Homo yelling about the size of Xtine's Louis Vitton purse, and then somehow denigrated into Double E throwing her bowling shoes at JerSean while he threatened her, red-faced, vodka soda ice cubes tinkling in his glass. JerSean, don't worry - I took a picture and forwarded it to Rosie O'Donnell to warn her what she was in for. This was not the first or last JerSean fight of the night, as he and Korpacz regularly took each other to the floor, rolling around & exposing Korpacz's tramp stamp, while the El Dorado employees turned on the lights and played "Closing Time" desperately, their only defense to get us the f-- out of there.

Not to mention, in actual bowling games, every game somehow came down to the wire in some sort of dramatic finish. Over on our side, the Dicks and the dick-related humor nearly broke us. For some reason, I want to make some sort of comparison between Jen & the Hollograms and The Dicks & The Strap-Ons. There has to be something there, right? Anyway, even without their most powerful members, the Dicks still gave it to us, hard and painfully, and the replacement Dicks, aka Steve-O, their head Strap-On, were bowling way better than the dicks on my team. Not to mention my brutal chest-bump rape by XXXtine, of which I tried to suppress, but I'm sure will come up later in therapy sessions. (I've given up on ChrisSTDine, it's too hard to say). Despite the fact that we got brutally Dick-slapped in game one, we managed to come back in game two, and squeak out a two pin victory in game 3 - but we were very sore by the end of it. Especially Jesse's....wallet. (I was going to say ass, but it was too blatant - he probably does carry his wallet back there, though). Basically, Jesse lost $120 to bets, and $30 to Dede. Lucy, you got some splaining to do.

As for the quietest game of the night (except for Lil Patrick's extremely loud t-shirt), it was already a done deal that Minds in Gutter was going to win (goddamn that number 1 team!), but Lappy had a chance to save his team some face and at least win one game, as it all came down to the last frame between Lappy & Jerrycurl. Perhaps Lappy should've accepted that b.j. from Head Homo, because Sunshine & the O'Neals were swept by Minds in the Gutter by a mere two pins (two pins again?? That seems wrong, but as we know, I don't care about the stats). At least Lappy still has his Kingpin score to cling to, although Jerry did beat him in 2 out of 3 games. See, isn't it really boring when I talk about the actual scores instead of dicks and vaginas? Sigh.

And then, as for the most entertaining game of the night, which I sadly had to outsource due to the fact that I was actually bowling, Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queens Men. First off, we had Alex Katz, Big Boss Man, in the house, who finally remembered why he hates bowling - oh right, JerSean LePaulsen. I had completely forgotten about that rivalry, and combined with the fact that it was JerSean's penultimate night in the alley, his volume was off the charts, and right next to Big Boss Man. So clearly this was the first and last time we'll be seeing him at El Dorado, but he did get his quotes in for the season, and will certainly be nominated for best cameo. Due to some shady practices of the Secretary of Fairness, I believe All the Queens Men swept Korpacz's Kids - regardless, Korpacz ordered $100 worth of bottles and gave a big F.U. to the league. That was actually my second favorite moment of the night, when after game 2, Korpacz, fresh bottle in hand, discovered that his team hadn't actually won due to a bad deal between the Commish and the Secretary, made early in the season - I literally thought he was going to kill someone, possibly me, until he smiled and said it was just for the cameras, aka quotebook. While JerSean will leave a large hole in the league, I believe Korpacz will do his best, cupcake faces aside, to fill it. Oh, and yes, to go with my earlier thought, this game also came down to the wire, as the turkeys were baking in the oven for Devin McGovern, and then popped out right in time for Thanksgiving on the 10th frame, just in time to beat the battered Korpacz's Kids. We may need a telethon to save them from being last place, at this point.

Other than that, we did have two strong contenders for quotes of the season emerge on Monday - the maudlin, nostalgically drunk Brandon, telling me that "The league is the best thing in our lives we will ever create." Hopefully he meant to end that statement with "together", although I've already gone on record many times stating my worries that between my Italian heritage and the M.C.'s Armenian back hair, we are doomed to give birth to a ball of fur, so he might be right across the board. Clearly, in spite of the questionable fairness or "realness" of the league, Brandon and I have done something right, since like heroin, we've gotten Double E hooked again, not to mention the many poor young rookies we've sucked in before they even knew what they were getting into. Second contender is Korpacz's Visa ad, "$100 tab....at a bowling alley. Yeah, that makes sense.", which may more sum up Korpacz for the season than the league, but I like it.

Tomorrow night! As I previously mentioned, it's JerSean's last night, not just in bowling, but in freaking California, so get your asses to El Dorado. Here are the matchups:

Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Korpacz's Kids, who will have a jar out for donations - please help them bowl better while drinking more bottles.
The Dicks vs. Minds in the Gutter - get out your dildos, because Rick Shirey has been taken down by an Achilles heel injury (I wasn't aware that an Achilles heel affected your "performance" so much, hmmm). He may bowl on a chair, if the league allows, which I do, because that sounds hilarious, but they probably still need their main strap-on, Steve-O, to sub in.

And, what a wonderful, wonderful coincidence, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, will play All the Queens Men on the eve of JerSean's departure! I'm kind of scared as to what's going to happen. Bring a fire extinguisher, because El Dorado may go up in flames tomorrow. Hopefully, the po-pos won't be there like they were last Monday, because someone is getting arrested.

Playoffs are only two games away! Don't forget, Labor Day is a holiday, so we have a week off before the final game. Also, a new entry has been added to the bowling awards for best bowling approach, so feel free to get creative.

Ok, that's all I got, I'm exhausted. Go ahead and tell me what I missed, jerkfaces.

-The Commish