EP 309

Yo.......what's up, bowling people. Vicodin rules, I've never been so mellow in my life. Disappointingly, no trippy side effects so far, minus the extraordinarily sparkly sidewalk on the way out of the dentist's office. Oh, and I might have some extra on Monday, so let the drug dealing begin. woooohooo. So far, only the back of my throat and tongue hurt right now, but nothing I ain't used to with the M.C., naw what I'm saying? eh? Oh, and see attached for my chipmunk-cheeked, drugged out photo, good times. By the way, my husband just told me that I better keep icing as I write. "Your face is your moneymaker. Imagine if you had to rely on your brains to get by?" Yup, I married that man.

So remember when JerSean left? Yeah, me neither. J/K, that's what the quotebook is for. Unfortunately, the quotes don't even come close to describing the night, which may have been the very best night of BL Bowling to date. I know, I say that like every week, but this time I think it was true, as well as being the most nostalgic. Between the JerSean cam, and the cigar cake, the singalongs, the dance parties, the first ever full league photo, the Bitter Sweet Symphony, the tribute from Chris behind the counter, the "After Hours" bowling til 11:30pm....what a night. Hopefully, JerSean is already bowling with Rosie as we speak ("Bowling With Rosie"? New sitcom on CBS?), and breaking a whole new ball return while eating a slice of deep dish pizza and leading a parade singing "Danke Schoen." I had to look up that spelling, I'll tell you what. And.......onto the quotes! (do you like how long these recaps are getting? sheesh).


Quotes of the night:

Hale gives JerSean a helmet with a GoPro on it to start the night.
"Best thing Hale has ever done, definitely in bowling, possibly his whole life." - Brandon

"Is it bad that I'm bowling on my wife's birthday?" - Brofman (quote of the season?? definitely getting nominated for Most Dedicated Bowler again.)

"Yeah!! Suck it, Brofman!!" - The LH Assassin, while pointing at his crotch area

"I need protection from being chest bumped by XXXtine." - Me
"Why didn't you wear a padded bra?" - Rodney

"I would pay $20 to see XXXtine chest bump Patrick Reina." - Brandon
They oblige.
Take 1 - She chest bumps him without warning, he falls over immediately
Take 2 - More prepared, he chest bumps her, and sends her to the ground, rolling in pain!

"You forget, Patrick Reina fucks porn stars." - Brandon

"You know what I'm ready for? I'm ready for some fucking milkshakes." -Rodney to XXXtine, who obligingly makes a squirting noise from her ample bosom

"I'd like to live in her world. There'd be a lot of dicks if you lived in her world." - Head Homo, re: Camilla

"My chest is strong, but my hands are weak." - XXXtine

"I don't care what your score is, I got a 69!!!" - XXXtine

"He performed as well that night too." - Brandon, after Paulsen rolls a gutter during Bittersweet Symphony

"That was 6 years ago!" - JerSean (how old is he???)

"Everyone! My drink's unattended. So roofie it." - XXXtine

"I don't judge my quotes. They're like my children." - JerSean

"Puppy chow, drinks, and vagina, that's all he needs in Chicago." - Camilla. "It's my welcome gift to you, JerSean!"

"I loved being racist in Season 1! That was my schtick that season!" - JerSean (ah, memories.)

"Shark week just got cancelled! Uh!!" - The LH Assassin
"That's your 2nd quote on the board!" - Me
"Welcome to the club." - Head Homo
"I'd be wary of any male being welcomed to any club of Christopher's." - Xtine

"Me Chinese. Me go poopie in my pants." - Moonie to JerSean

"Who is this small child from Korea?" - Xtine

"Do I look like Prince?" - Al, wearing a hat. No.

JerSean gets ice for his broken hand.
"Who did this to you???" - Head Homo
"The ball return." - JerSean

Everyone starts spontaneously singing along to "Could've Had it All" by Adele.
"I don't know what's worse, his bad breath or his singing." Head Homo re: Brandon
(I sigh.)
"Come on, that has to be quote worthy." -Head Homo
"It's worth her pretending to write it down." - Rodney

"Ah, there's so many obstacles!" - Maegamyte, trying to dodge ice, towels, and alcohol after Steve-O had a party foul, again, this time right next to our lane

Hale leaves in the 7th frame of game 3 without saying a word to anyone.
"He did the worst thing in the league and the best thing, all in one night." - Brandon, sadly.

(at 11:10pm, when we're not even close to leaving) "We have a grace period tonight. If Korpacz were here, mooning away, they'd let him." - JerSean

"Smells like boys in here." - Camilla (whilst a male-only dance party is going on behind her)

JerSean's last roll - he puts on his sunglasses, grabs two balls at once, and throws two gutter balls, one barely missing hitting the gate.
"That's the way you go to the top!" - JerSean

"Is this the best fucking night or what?" - JerSean

The last night of JerSean LePaulsen began, as we all remember well, the weirdest and most touching gesture from Mike Hale, of all people, who brought a ridiculously amazing crash helmet, complete with a camera attachment, hence JerSean Cam was born. Typically, when asked why he owns such a thing, he responded, "For my sex tapes." As if the thought of sex with Mike Hale wasn't terrifying enough. As for whether we'll ever see said tape from the JerSean Cam, all I have to say is please Hale. Don't mess up the tapes.

As was appropriate, JerSean and All the Queen's Men swept my team--how could we beat him on his last night? It was totally on purpose, or at least that's the way I'm spinning it. As for the other games, who knows, although we should start caring, since there is only one more regular season game til playoffs.

If we ever doubted the love that El Dorado has for us, they certainly proved it that night. Not only did JerSean get his very own tribute from Chris behind the counter (why didn't I write it down?), AND a very special playing of Bittersweet Symphony (how appropriate for the night?), we also had that place open for a half hour after the last strains of "Closing Time." We also had Dede personally come by to clean up Steve-O's party foul mess by the lanes--Steve-O, that is strike 2 for you.

Other highlights: obviously, the chest bump between XXXtine and lil' Patrick, who against the odds, beat her at her own game. He may have bruised them, but they are definitely ready for a rematch--those lovely lady lumps are no joke. We also added a new alternate to our league, Tricia "Moonie" Horn, who already came prepared with a nickname, racial jokes, and a readiness to wrestle JerSean to the floor, all good qualities in a BL Bowling candidate. We had Brofman, most dedicated bowler, definitely making up for missing a week by skipping out on his wife's birthday. "Brofman has the best marriage ever!", says Brandon. Is it sad that we now judge our marriages by bowling as well? It was also our most dancing-est night, with the all guy dance party, the make-up dance between XXXtine & Patrick on top of the seats - "You don't even know, you don't even know!" - Lil Patrick, "Me and my dad used to do this!" - XXXtine. We even briefly caught Rodney dancing, although he'd never admit it. And now I have to end this email, because I accidentally poured some of the water from my ice pack onto my computer, and it is now glitching and telling me to restart, but before I go, I leave you with one last memory....the very first time that JerSean LePaulsen graced my recap. Here you go...

Quote of the night: "Why are the f--ing lights out?? What am I, a f--ing 15-year-old dropping acid?? (more expletives)" - Sean Paulsen (VERY LOUDLY)
Also, "Man, I can't find my bowling shoes!" -Sean Paulsen, immediately after turning them in (and then he never wore them again.)

Ok, see you on Monday - Sunshine & the O'Neals are playing 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, Korpacz's Kids play Minds in the Gutter, and The Dicks play All the Queens Men. Last chance workout before the playoffs.

BOOM goes the motherfucking dynamite!
-The Commish

EP 308

Ok. So I never wrote the bowling summary last week. And after a week's anticipation, it's never gonna live up to expectations. Which is almost as sad as the fact that the best bowling character to hit the El Dorado ball return is leaving the league, possibly forever. Maybe I was just trying to hang on to this recap, knowing that it was probably one of the best nights we've had at bowling in awhile, and one of my last with JerSean LePaulsen in it, resigning myself to a long playoff season of writing about the actual games. It's probably best for J LeP - the character hit its peak in drunken craziness a while ago, and in terms of trying to top himself, it was never going to end well - he was doomed to destroy either the bowling alley or himself. Also, judging by the haste in which he's leaving, I'm guessing there's a dead hooker involved, so we should probably just let him go, and tell the cops we don't know anything.

Anyway, tomorrow is is his last night, so everyone should come out for one last loud, obnoxious moment with Sir Sean LeP. I would say we should give him a moment of silence, but it's already going to be so much quieter when he's gone, it somehow doesn't seem necessary. On to the recap!

Quotes of the night:

"JerSean is moving to Chicago." - Brandon to Dede
"Aw, he's gonna get really fucked up, isn't he." - Dede, smiling fondly

"Do you remember me? Javier?" -Roxy to Al, aka Piranha

"The gays are liars!" -XXXtine
"That's true. We're total liars, we tell you you look good in those clothes you're wearing." - Head Homo

"It's like we're playing the Limp Dicks." - Rodney (no Rick Shirey, no Derek)

"Patrick made that shirt in 7th grade. And it still fits him." - Alex Katz re: Lil Patrick's glow in the dark tie-dye shirt

"We're never gonna finish - between the senior citizens and the smokers, we're screwed." - Rodney

"One day you will have kids and be able to be the loudest jackass in the world." -Alex Katz to JerSean

"We went down to the Dicks, went down on the Dicks. Is that what happened??" - Jesse

"Dicks know how to finish it." - Mugge

"Stick a dick in it, it's done." - Sloop John B

"Fucking replacement Dicks." - Jesse
"The Strap-Ons. These fucking dildos are keeping us afloat." - Sloop John B (who knew he had it in him?)

"I like all this dick talk." - Me

"Vaginas are funnier." - Jesse

"Do you treat our lanes like they're the AAA league?? You send Piranha over here to write quotes. Minor League Quote boy!!"
"He's a live logger." - Me
"Well, I don't see a computer!!!!" - JerSean (there was more to this rant, but all I wrote down was, "Blah blah blah, not getting quotes in the quotebook, blah blah blah.")

"Why are you abandoning us?" - Head Homo
"I'm running away from my problems." - JerSean
"Yeah, go run to Oprah!" - Head Homo

"Whose dick did you suck for that job & did you use the technique that I taught you?" - Head Homo
"No, cause your techniques suck!" - JerSean
"Clearly, you were doing it wrong." Head Homo

"You should know that Kerin Pinns and Sexy Anne Frank are banging on Sunday. The dialogue existed." - Double E

"The league is the best thing in our lives we will ever create." - Brandon

"I would rather swallow razor blades than listen to that crap." - A disgusted Alex Katz, trying to get away from JerSean

"Is it wrong, that I'm happy when Lappy is upset?" - Jerrycurl (haHA Jerry! You made the quote board!!)

Party foul on Steve-O, as he smashes a glass on the lane.
"That's what happens when you bring Dicks to a party." - Jesse

"What do you need, do you need a blowjob, I'll do that!" - Head Homo to Lappy
"I know you will." - Lappy

"We have enough bottles for 8 more games!" - Megashark

"$100 tab....at a bowling alley. Yeah, that makes sense." - Korpacz

Steve-O counting the money that he's won from Jesse. "Is $80 enough that your wife might notice?"

A fight breaks out between JerSean, Double E, Head Homo & Xtine, involving purses, shoes, and yelling.
"That was a JerSean tornado and I found the eye." - Head Homo

"Do you have a vagina?" - XXXTine
"No." - Head Homo

"Hey, come here, you got a chest to be bumped. (squeezes her boobs) They're still going strong." - XXXtine

"I chest bump-raped her in the boobs!" - XXXtine re: me.

"I think rape is funny. My dad was a great lover." - XXXtine

"It smells like weed in here!." -Jesse. Then he realizes it's his bowling bag.

"It'll be my Black Swan song next week. I'll be the Natalie Portman to their Mila Kunis. Find that person and get back to me." -JerSean

"Why are there no cute boys at bowling? It would help keep me awake." - Xtine

"This league is fucking bullshit!! Fuck this league, I quit." - an abridged version of Korpacz's staged rant, after he learned Le Bunny's scores didn't count

"Goddamn that dynamite went boom!!" - JerSean
"Actually, it's boom goes the dynamite." - Head Homo

"We have the turkey baking in the oven, just shut the fuck up right now!!" - JerSean

"What just fucking happened right here? O.M.G.!" - JerSean

"Why do they let us come here?" - Xtine

"Korpacz has a tramp stamp!" - Jessican (aka Jessica Navarro)

"It's like puppies wrestling." - Xinte re: JerSean & Korpacz fighting

"So I'm officially hooked again." - Double E


You know, I knew last Monday was amazing. But I had forgotten about so many things until I read through the quote book! Not to mention all the gems I missed from the sad performance of our live logger, Piranha, who was supposedly covering the action on the other side. Yes, I see the error of my ways in enlisting Piranha, quitter of bowling, to be my second-in-command. He started out fine, writing some mediocre quotes about DeadMaus & Lil Patrick's t-shirt, but then about two quotes in, he wrote "Sean Paulsen: "I suck at quotes and I'm a pussy," - aka, he got upset when he wasn't doing well at writing the quotes & that people were yelling at him, and he just gave up, which is strikingly parallel to what happened when he briefly bowled with us. Like Richard Marx said, I shoulda know better.

Regardless of what was lost in the bowling equivalent of the Gnostic Gospels (look it up, it's a super smart reference), I think I got a pretty good idea of what was happening over there - honestly, the yelling was so slurred I probably wouldn't have gotten many quotes of it anyway, and besides, the best parts came later in the night. The fight between JerSean, Double E, Head Homo and Xtine was easily my favorite, in that it made no sense, started out with Head Homo yelling about the size of Xtine's Louis Vitton purse, and then somehow denigrated into Double E throwing her bowling shoes at JerSean while he threatened her, red-faced, vodka soda ice cubes tinkling in his glass. JerSean, don't worry - I took a picture and forwarded it to Rosie O'Donnell to warn her what she was in for. This was not the first or last JerSean fight of the night, as he and Korpacz regularly took each other to the floor, rolling around & exposing Korpacz's tramp stamp, while the El Dorado employees turned on the lights and played "Closing Time" desperately, their only defense to get us the f-- out of there.

Not to mention, in actual bowling games, every game somehow came down to the wire in some sort of dramatic finish. Over on our side, the Dicks and the dick-related humor nearly broke us. For some reason, I want to make some sort of comparison between Jen & the Hollograms and The Dicks & The Strap-Ons. There has to be something there, right? Anyway, even without their most powerful members, the Dicks still gave it to us, hard and painfully, and the replacement Dicks, aka Steve-O, their head Strap-On, were bowling way better than the dicks on my team. Not to mention my brutal chest-bump rape by XXXtine, of which I tried to suppress, but I'm sure will come up later in therapy sessions. (I've given up on ChrisSTDine, it's too hard to say). Despite the fact that we got brutally Dick-slapped in game one, we managed to come back in game two, and squeak out a two pin victory in game 3 - but we were very sore by the end of it. Especially Jesse's....wallet. (I was going to say ass, but it was too blatant - he probably does carry his wallet back there, though). Basically, Jesse lost $120 to bets, and $30 to Dede. Lucy, you got some splaining to do.

As for the quietest game of the night (except for Lil Patrick's extremely loud t-shirt), it was already a done deal that Minds in Gutter was going to win (goddamn that number 1 team!), but Lappy had a chance to save his team some face and at least win one game, as it all came down to the last frame between Lappy & Jerrycurl. Perhaps Lappy should've accepted that b.j. from Head Homo, because Sunshine & the O'Neals were swept by Minds in the Gutter by a mere two pins (two pins again?? That seems wrong, but as we know, I don't care about the stats). At least Lappy still has his Kingpin score to cling to, although Jerry did beat him in 2 out of 3 games. See, isn't it really boring when I talk about the actual scores instead of dicks and vaginas? Sigh.

And then, as for the most entertaining game of the night, which I sadly had to outsource due to the fact that I was actually bowling, Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queens Men. First off, we had Alex Katz, Big Boss Man, in the house, who finally remembered why he hates bowling - oh right, JerSean LePaulsen. I had completely forgotten about that rivalry, and combined with the fact that it was JerSean's penultimate night in the alley, his volume was off the charts, and right next to Big Boss Man. So clearly this was the first and last time we'll be seeing him at El Dorado, but he did get his quotes in for the season, and will certainly be nominated for best cameo. Due to some shady practices of the Secretary of Fairness, I believe All the Queens Men swept Korpacz's Kids - regardless, Korpacz ordered $100 worth of bottles and gave a big F.U. to the league. That was actually my second favorite moment of the night, when after game 2, Korpacz, fresh bottle in hand, discovered that his team hadn't actually won due to a bad deal between the Commish and the Secretary, made early in the season - I literally thought he was going to kill someone, possibly me, until he smiled and said it was just for the cameras, aka quotebook. While JerSean will leave a large hole in the league, I believe Korpacz will do his best, cupcake faces aside, to fill it. Oh, and yes, to go with my earlier thought, this game also came down to the wire, as the turkeys were baking in the oven for Devin McGovern, and then popped out right in time for Thanksgiving on the 10th frame, just in time to beat the battered Korpacz's Kids. We may need a telethon to save them from being last place, at this point.

Other than that, we did have two strong contenders for quotes of the season emerge on Monday - the maudlin, nostalgically drunk Brandon, telling me that "The league is the best thing in our lives we will ever create." Hopefully he meant to end that statement with "together", although I've already gone on record many times stating my worries that between my Italian heritage and the M.C.'s Armenian back hair, we are doomed to give birth to a ball of fur, so he might be right across the board. Clearly, in spite of the questionable fairness or "realness" of the league, Brandon and I have done something right, since like heroin, we've gotten Double E hooked again, not to mention the many poor young rookies we've sucked in before they even knew what they were getting into. Second contender is Korpacz's Visa ad, "$100 tab....at a bowling alley. Yeah, that makes sense.", which may more sum up Korpacz for the season than the league, but I like it.

Tomorrow night! As I previously mentioned, it's JerSean's last night, not just in bowling, but in freaking California, so get your asses to El Dorado. Here are the matchups:

Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Korpacz's Kids, who will have a jar out for donations - please help them bowl better while drinking more bottles.
The Dicks vs. Minds in the Gutter - get out your dildos, because Rick Shirey has been taken down by an Achilles heel injury (I wasn't aware that an Achilles heel affected your "performance" so much, hmmm). He may bowl on a chair, if the league allows, which I do, because that sounds hilarious, but they probably still need their main strap-on, Steve-O, to sub in.

And, what a wonderful, wonderful coincidence, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup, will play All the Queens Men on the eve of JerSean's departure! I'm kind of scared as to what's going to happen. Bring a fire extinguisher, because El Dorado may go up in flames tomorrow. Hopefully, the po-pos won't be there like they were last Monday, because someone is getting arrested.

Playoffs are only two games away! Don't forget, Labor Day is a holiday, so we have a week off before the final game. Also, a new entry has been added to the bowling awards for best bowling approach, so feel free to get creative.

Ok, that's all I got, I'm exhausted. Go ahead and tell me what I missed, jerkfaces.

-The Commish

EP 307

Quotes of the night:

"Goddamn I am a good bowler everybody!!! Watch and fucking learn!!" - JerSean

"He's an inspiration to the Special Olympics." - Korpacz

"6 strikes in a row! It's the hair! And he had sex with a girl the same day he cut it!" - Brandon
"He should cut his hair all the time!" - Maegamyte
"No, he needs to conserve it, before he unleashes it!" - Double E
"That sounds kinda scary." - Maegamyte

"Who's popping bottles?" - Double E
"You're actually asking that?" Brandon
"I've been away a long time." - Double E

"Why are we toasting again?" Double E
"Life, happiness, boobies." - Korpacz

Christine Reed pounds her boobs and throws out her hands as though she's tossing something. "I'm spraying milkshakes all over you!"

"Can my nickname be STD?" -Christine Reed
"Does it stand for something? Besides sexually transmitted disease." - Me
"I just thought it would be funny! STD-free since 1993!" - Christine
"How old were you in 1993?" - Me
"I was a really promiscuous 7-year-old." - Christine, now christened by me, ChrisSTDine (say it out loud, it makes sense)

"You gotta go over there and talk to them, because they don't know how to bowl!!" - angry senior citizens bowling league member, complaining to Chris at the counter
"Well, I've been watching them for awhile now, and they do." - Chris

"I woulda smacked my hand against the ball return, but it hurts too much from the past 2 weeks." - JerSean
"From what?" - Korpacz
"From fucking smacking my hand against the ball return!!" - JerSean
(are these two the new Laurel & Hardy??)

"JerSean LePaulsen is the best bowler ever....wow, is that guy human? Omg...whoa. What an animal!
p.s. I love penis in my pants." - A quote written in my book by JerSean & Korpacz - try to guess who wrote which part

"How old is Korpacz?" - Me
"40?" - Brofman
"53?" - Greg Berg
"Yeah, I'm 53! I'm like the Energizer Battery, I keep going." - Korpacz
"Battery? Don't you mean Bunny?" - Megashark
"What is this, a fucking spelling bee??" - Korpacz

"I suck at bowling - my tits are great, but they're not carrying me." - ChrisSTDine

"I think there's a rape going on here." Korpacz, observing ChrisSTDine & Kevin Finn dancing together

"She's like the anti X-O. She's the triple X-O!" - Brofman (*Xtine Owen = X-O, ChrisSTDine = XXX-O. It's science. Or math?)

"Doesn't that hurt?" -Greg Berg, observing ChrisSTD chest bump someone for the 100th time
"They seem to be very resilient." - Me

"If my wife knew how many times I've chest-bumped tonight, I'd be divorced." -Brofman


I don't want to exaggerate or anything, but last night was possibly the best night in bowling history - and for sure, hands down, the best of season 3. It was partly due to the high attendance, including fan favorite Double E (double e! (clap clap) double e!). It also maybe had something do with the fact that we had a dance-off straight out of an 80's movie. And let's not forget that Professor LePaulsen bowled a record (well, at least for his record) 6 strikes in a row and nearly broke all of the furniture in El Dorado, including the windows, due to yelling. (This may have had something to do with the senior citizens league complaining - they were bowling right next to him.) But it also, 100%, had something to do with the best bowler debut since JerSean himself - Miss. Christine. Mother-Fing. Reed. That is the last time that she will be called that, since she has christened herself with the nickname of STD - no, it doesn't stand for anything clever - which might be the best nickname since the other Christine's V (especially since she chose it herself). And never could there be too more opposite Christines. If Christine Owen is the vagina of the league, then ChrisSTDine is the BOOBIES, with extra capital letters. In fact, I think we all would love to see both Xtines in full effect next week - especially considering Xtine "V" Owen has been renounced by at least one team member ("She done. Two weeks she missed for manicures!!"), and the Commish is giving her one last chance to come next week before she gets Auf'd like poor Hols to the Wall.

But back to ChrisSTDine. It's hard to describe to those who weren't there last night just how much good times were brought by just one new member. First off, she has a bowling style to rival JerSean - literally, every throw was followed through with her entire body collapsing to the floor in a kneeling fetal position (and also, usually a fault). Second, she doesn't mess around with the beer - she goes straight to jack and cokes and keeps them flowing. She already has a signature move - I'm planning to call it the Milkshake Spray. She's already in my list of nominees for best dancer (although it's gonna be hard to rip that throne from Sexy Anne Frank, as was demonstrated last night...) True - she's dangerous - she did have to be continually reminded to "Wait! Wait for the thing to go up!" since she had a tendency to throw one ball immediately after another, regardless of if the gate was down or not. Also, I may be a bit biased in her awesomeness, given the number of times she stroked my hair (and ass) last night, saying "you're so pretty...am I being creepy?", but guys. I see a star in the making. Or perhaps more appropriately, another life about to be ruined by the El Dorado Lanes.

Speaking of watching the throne - Sexy Anne Frank clearly has her eye on another win for Best Dancer this year. Double E's main contention last season was the Sexy Frank only had one move - the old reliable hip hop square. Clearly, the only way to settle this once and for all was a dance-off, which I've been hoping for since the awards ceremony. Unfortunately for Double E, Sexy Anne Frank was clearly waiting for just such a dance-off, because the moves she had were out of control. Nowhere to be found was the hip hop square. She was dancing in circles (literally) around Double E, dancing on chairs, even once appearing in between Double E's legs. Double E was unprepared for this dance explosion, and so humbly accepted her defeat. I personally believe there should be a rematch - but the fans can only hope and dream.

As for the actual games - the one to watch was clearly JerSean and his devil's haircut, which not only brought him some well-deserved lovin', but also a ridiculous score of 206!! Sadly, his killer score was outshone by his version of XXX-O, Big Willie Style, who was quietly beating his score (and his team) while JerSean was screaming and yelling on furniture. After losing the first game in spite of the 6 strike-a-thon, the team gave up, JerSean throwing a bowling ball halfway down the lane just for it to stop dead in the gutter, then throwing another bowling ball to join it, then smacking the ball return, then "Are Kidding Me??" and out. Also, Brandon seems unable to perform unless he's betting Jesse - he got Steve-O, Jesse's replacement high, but it just wasn't the same. Minds in the Gutter remain unbeatable, and All the Queens Men remain in dead last. Maybe Brandon is the curse?

As for my game, besides the entertainment value in ChrisSTDine, my team eked out a victory, 2-1, in spite of being staffed by nearly all alternates. Basically, to replace Jesse, I took a stoner (Steve-O) and a person named Jessica (Navarro) - the only thing missing was the anger at being quoted and the little white booties. The first game was pretty bleak - Korpacz was buying bottles by frame 2, after Brofman AND Megashark turkey'd to start (Korpacz and Greg Berg were also striking up a storm). ChrisSTDine made up for her lack of bowling with her abundance of boobies (I think she bowled something like a 60 average), but my team managed to climb her mountains to victory. Tits for us!

As for Sunshine and the O'Neal vs. the Dicks, Rick Shirey and his Hello Kitty pink wristband overpowered the Care-Bear stare of Dawn and her sunny team (I think it was 2-1). Oh, and Head Homo, here's your pity quote:
"Come on, you can get that, it's easy!" - H.H.
"No it's not!" - Camilla
"Yeah, but you are." H.H.
I'm sorry, I tried to put that as a quote of the night, but the editor in me wouldn't let me. You'll get 'em next time, tiger.


Speaking of next time - the matchups are Sunshine & the O'Neals vs. Minds in the Gutter, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, and 1 Cup vs. the Dicks, and Korpacz's Kids vs. All the Queens Men.

Also - announcement - the league is now CLOSED in terms of alternates. We love the rookies we've got - Roxy, FinnBerg, Steve-O, Jessica Navarro, and of course, ChrisSTDine, but as of this week, I'm closing the ranks - no more newbies. If you want to invite friends to come, that's fine, but they gotta bowl on the sidelines. Also - we welcome celebrity stop-bys, as Double E can attest - Hols to the Wall, this means you.

Ok - see you boobies next week.

-The Commish

EP 306

Quotes of the night:

"I'm not a bad person." - Head Homo

"I can't hear, talk louder." - Me
"I can't yell vagina that loud." - Head Homo

"Remember bowling? That's what we're doing." - Jesse to me, as I'm writing

"You have other talents other than quoting. Like salad tossing." - Jesse to Head Homo

"Where is the gay bowling alley?" - Head Homo. "Seriously?"

"If you look closely, Korpacz has a cock on his forehead." - Brandon

"What is this, 10% tax to the Commish?" - JerSean, after Korpacz gives me a glass of champagne
"Bottles!" - Korpacz

"I accept it. I am the curse of my team." - Dawn, very sadly

"I am a cock pic away from being Brett Favre." - Brofman to Roxy

"No, don't talk about masturbation, cause I can't bowl - I'll be thinking about your dick." - Jesse to Hale

"That curved to the left like the M.C." - Jesse
"How did you know?" - Me

"Don't write down private conversations we have about your husband's dick!" - Jesse to me

"Do you purposefully try to have sex with your wife when your in-laws are in town?" -Hale
"I don't purposefully try to have sex with my wife anymore, period." - Jesse

"You are a fucking asshole." Jesse to me.

"We're dancing, Jerry!" - Sexy Anne Frank
"Well, one of us is." - Jerrycurl

"Who do I have to fuck in the ass to get a strike?" - Hale
"It's not like fucking in the ass is a....(pause, looks at me) That could have ended a million ways. You know how it's not gonna end? On your quote board." - Jesse

"I didn't know it, Roxy likes it with the lights off!" - JerSean

"Is your name Chris Ornay?" - Sexy Anne Frank
"Shut the fuck up, I will punch you in the cunt." - Head Homo

"Every week when Hale leaves, he looks like some bitter guy at the airport." - Lappy, re: Hale & his wheely suitcase


So it seems that another guilt trip is order, because yet again, attendance was waaaaaaay too light last night. What, do you think you cannot be replaced?? Well, BOOM! goes the motherfucking dynamite, cause that shit is about to go down. Hols to the Wall, auf wiedersehen, you're out. And Xtine, our own darling V - you are on thin, thin ice. First off, you have now missed 3 weeks in a row, aka 3 strikes, you're out, say those in baseball. AND - unfortunately for you, last night, the Other Christine, aka the O.C., came by with a brand new V, a hunger and dedication for bowling, AND a glow in the dark manicure. So......yeah. I think that speaks for itself. We also have Steve-O, who clearly fits right in - he's already begun losing bets, drinking vodka sodas, and starting a rivalry with Rick "The Dick" Shirey - all he needs is a catchphrase, and he's JerKorpacz. We also have FinnBerg, not to mention Brian (? another editor on Roseanne? I think that's his name?), so you better check yourselves. Before you riggity wreck your...attendance records (that doesn't rhyme). Yeah.

Also, I'd like to report a notebook hijacking - not only was my notebook vandalized by a full page penis drawing, which I keep forgetting is in there, and keep accidentally opening on my desk at work - it was also, in perhaps the biggest violation of El Dorado code, set fire to by Mike Hale. In the middle of the bowling alley. I'm not sure why no one noticed that. Apparently, all El Dorado pays attention to is Korpacz's bare ass.

As for the results, my team swept Jerrycurl off his feet, 3-0, unlike Sexy Anne Frank, who did her hip hop square dance all around him, while he looked off, bored, to the distance. Jesse finally figured out a way to financially support his gambling addiction....basically, bet Steve-O. Sunshine and the O'Neals, not sure if they won, but based on Dawn's glum report, I'm guessing they were run through by the Queen's Men. Apparently, Dawn is officially confirming Head Homo's report, she is the curse of her team. It's not sunshine, it's skin cancer. As for the Dicks vs. Kids, I do know that Korpacz bought bottles, but he does that even when he loses now, so there's no telling til Broffie sends out the official stats.

Ok, yes. This was a weak recap. Next week, I'll be better. I just want to leave work.

Dede's back!

-The Commish

EP 305

Quotes of the night:

"Having dinner with my lovebug cupcake face tonight <3 <3" - Korpacz, who left after game 1

"It's not your dad's Michael Korpacz, the guy who's doing blow and popping bottles. It's Michael Cupcake-face." - Brandon

"It looks like Greg Berg had sexual intercourse with Kevin Finn and made Adam Finnberg." - Brandon

"It's like if Frank Sinatra bowled." - Jesse, re: Jerrycurl

"Why is it so small?" - Me, re: JerSean's regular sized vodka soda
"Two words. De -De." -JerSean

"This is the most tainted bowling league in the world." - Brandon
"Did you say taint?" -Hale

"Boom goes the fucking dynamite!" - JerSean (is this becoming his new catchphrase?)

"If JerSean and Korpacz had a baby, it would look like Steve-O." - Brandon

"It's crazy how if people mated in this room, they would become other people in this room." - Brandon
"No one in this room should be allowed to mate." - Me

"Come on, pin! Just go down like your brothers!" - JerSean

"At least a full M.C. away from the pin." - JerSean
"No, it was way closer." - Me

"Woah, looks like we've got all the Queens Men!!! Oh, I guess that's the same." -JerSean, after Roxy, aka Le Bunny, bowls a strike

"I have a new sex term for you guys - sounding." - Head Homo
"Is that when someone cums in your ear?" - Jesse
"No, that would be deafening." - Head Homo

....this brings up Jesse's favorite sex term, docking - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=docking
"There's nothing you can get out of that." - Head Homo
"Except a cute picture. It's like holding hands, but with dicks. It's adorable." - Jesse
"Like a puppy wearing a sweater." - Brofman

"Dawn wasn't here tonight and we won. So who holds the curse????" - Head Homo (quote or controversy? not sure yet)

"Anytime in the 80s when there was a sitcom that had a bowling episode, my dad would provide the bowling balls. And then he would say, hey, can you stick my son somewhere?" - Hale, after revealing his 5-year-old grudge against Roseanne

"I was called out as a pedophile!" -Head Homo
"Well, you are a pedophile. You like fucking little boys." - Jesse
"18 is legal. And in Georgia, it's 14, which is awesome." Head "Pedophile" Homo

"I'll fist anyone, any time." - Head Homo
"I don't need to write that down, cause everyone knows it's true." - Me

"A week without Christopher quotes is like a week....without JerSean's STDs." - Head Homo

"Look, I like a good dick in my ass too." - Sexy Anne Frank

"You were a cunt-hair away." -Jesse, after I barely miss a pin

"I shaved!" - Me, when I pick up the spare

"I know science better than anybody. I work in reality tv." JerSean.
(Jesse misses the spare)
"He missed that. That was physics, aka science." JerSean


So - quiet night, everybody. I personally blame Michael Cupcake-face - without him yelling "Bottles!", no one else needs to raise their voice, and so overall, everyone is speaking at regular volume, aka I can't hear any of the quotes. Clearly, Cuddlebug Korpacz has chosen love over bowling, so while the rest of us are steadily destroying our relationships, he's building one. Good luck buddy - but expect to be called a sprained vagina a whole lot more. Luckily, Head Homo and Professor JerSean are there to pick up the slack, and neither seems to enjoy cuddling or writing hearts in computer language, so we're safe for the moment. (In fact, the first thing JerSean did when he arrived was take a Vicodin, washed down with a splash of Blue Moon. Yum) We've also picked up a possible replacement in our new recruit Steve-O, who, even though I just kind of arbitrarily gave him that nickname, has headbutted the actual Steve-O for the rights to that nickname and won, but Steve-O from Jackass is a jackass and didn't give up the name. God knows how much meth was involved in that interaction. Steve-O (the one who was there last night) also has the claim to fame of breaking his foot while moshing (?) barefoot (?) at a Rage Against the Machine concert (?), not in 1991, but this past weekend. I wasn't aware that a) people "moshed" anymore, and b) Rage Against the Machine still exists? Regardless of the time warp (how old is he??) Steve-O definitely has potential to out-rockstar Cutie Korpacz this season - stay tuned.

Which brings me to the fact of subs - we need to lay a few ground rules with them, especially if the people who came last night want to keep coming. Maybe we need to bring back the farm league, just so we know what the subs averages are? Do subs scores count? I think Commissioner of Fairness and I have to discuss this when we're not actually playing each other, but feel free to weigh in - does everyone want the subs scores to count, or do we only want team members' scores to count?

In other news, a new controversy has arisen in the O'Neal family between Sunshine and Head Homo - Head Homo has a valid point, since his team won without Dawn, but WITH Head Homo, who previous to now was known as his team's kryptonite. So has it been DAWN that is somehow jinxing her team with her sunny attitude all along, using Head Homo as her screen? This is clearly a case study that needs some further research, and I only know one person who has the proper scientific credentials - Professor LePaulsen. He is also doing field research on the use of interpretive dance in bowling and the physics of how much vodka one can drink while still remaining upright, so this may take awhile. Be patient. It's boring, but it's science.

As of next week, we hit the halfway mark, and start bowling the top of the rotation again - which means if you've been holding back, now's the time to hit your stride. This also means that Hols to the Wall, unless you get your balls to bowling next week, you are officially kicked out of this season, seeing as you've missed half of the games. Although first season, that happened and your team won the championship, so maybe The Dicks will discourage you from coming - though they are Dicks, they should be able to handle an additional vagina. Someone from that team, please also tell Hollie this news, because she has a tendency to not read my recaps (see season 2, when she didn't realize that she'd missed the championships).

Ok! Next week, we see if the Sunshine curse is a real thing, or just a Head Homo red herring, as Sunshine & the O'Neals take on Brandon's goddamn team who beat my team last night I hate them.

Also - my team takes on Jerrycurl Sinatra, who will easily outclass us - and hopefully not beat us too badly.

Lastly, Korpacz's Kids take on the Dicks, but will Korpacz's sprained vagina be able to to hold up to the onslaught? Or will he leave early to go to a Katherine Heigl movie? What is this world coming to??

Stay posted for standings, coming soon from Brofman.

-The Commish

EP 304

Warning: This recap includes references to pedophilia, fist-fucking, and lots of barely concealed references to vaginas. In other words, ladies and gentleman, Head Homo is back!! *
*apparently he was back last week, but if a quote falls in the forest and the Commissioner doesn't hear it, does it exist??

Quotes of the night:

"Korpacz can't come tonight, he has a sprained labia." - Brofman
"Isn't that a vagina?" - Me
"Yes. It means he's being a pussy." - Brofman

"What's Irish and lives in your backyard?" - Head Homo (JerSean just looks at him) - "Paddy-O-Furniture!!"
(this later becomes Lil' Patrick's nickname for the night - side note: is Patrick actually Irish?)

"By the way, do you know what a rainbow party is?" - Dawn to Head Homo
"Yes, and you should probably use protection next time." - Head Homo

"He's eating fucking Frosted Flakes!!! Are they Grrrrrrrreat??" - Head Homo to Patrick

"Gee, I wonder why you're always on the last place team. You're fucking up your own team members!!" - Lappy to Head Homo

"My mom wouldn't let me have any My Little Ponies. I showed her, I turned out to be a fag!" - Head Homo

"I'm unpredictable - I might be good for 1 quote or 20!!" - JerSean

"That's right, lights go off, dicks get stronger!" - Rick Shirey

"This is my special area!! I'm gonna wind up pointing to a doll in court about where you touched me!!" -Head Homo to Dawn, who kept going for his nipples

"BOOMgoesthefuckingDYNAMYTELappyyoulistening??" -JerSean, all in one breath

"That was all your ladyparts!!" -Jesse to me, after two strikes in a row

"Mike Hale is fingerbanging his ball." - Me
"That's not gonna get him a second date. He's fingerbanging like a 3-year-old." - Head Homo

"The #1 Queen of El Dorado!!" - JerSean to Maegamyte
"JerSean...seriously??" - Head Homo. "What number am I?"
"Four!" - JerSean
"Yeah, well, you were four inches too short!" - Head Homo
"My mom told me 3 inches were something to be proud of!" - JerSean

"Jesse's got spirit!" - Me
"He's got spunk!" - Lappy
"I had some of Jesse's spunk last week." - Head Homo
(pause in conversation, as it turns out that Lappy does NOT know that spunk = semen.)
"I thought it was called skeet!" - Lappy
"There's so many words for it - it's like Eskimos with the word ice." - Head Homo

"Superman those pins! Spend a night with those pins and then come on their back!" - Head Homo to Christopher Harris

"Paddy, think about ladyparts!" - Dawn to Patrick
(he doesn't bowl a spare)
"I might have thought about a dick for a second." - Patrick

"Longer! Longer!" - Me to Jesse
(he throws it short, but still gets the spare)
"It was shorter, but it worked!" - Me
"Sometimes a short one does the job." - Jesse
"I wouldn't know." - Me

"That's cause you can't get pregnant!" -Jesse to Head Homo (I have no idea in what context)

"She bowls like a 5-year-old retard and still gets strikes!!" - Head Homo about me

"You're a pedophile, you keep referencing children!" - Me to Head Homo
(he bowls a strike)
"Don't listen to her - good job, pedophile!" - Dawn
"Keep screwing those 5 year old children!" - Lappy

"You tried to look at her ladyparts!" - Jesse
"I hate her ladyparts!" - Head Homo - "I'll turn to stone if I even get a glimpse!"

"I thought you were trying to do us both at the same time!" - Jesse (re: him and Hale)
"I was!" - Me

"Are you fist-fucking me right now?" -Lappy to Rodney
"What? I'm interested."- Head Homo


So as you can see, the theme of the night was ladyparts, and the ladies WERE particularly strong last night. Between Maegamyte, Dawn, and myself, we basically carried our teams on our lovely lady lumps. Maegamyte was crowned Queen of El Dorado, Red Dawn was educated in rainbow parties, the meaning of "Skeet skeet skeet!" and what "superman-ing that ho" is all about, and I bowled the freaking game of my life - which Jesse attributes to the delicate nurturing of my feminine nether regions by my team. There was a quote that said something to that effect "and she's blossomed into a woman!" or something else that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, but I somehow did not write it down. Whatever - if I can ever manage to bowl a 150 again, I will gladly thank my female genitalia in my acceptance speech (for my...Emmy? Not sure).

The major revelation of the night is that it turns out Head Homo is the main factor in why his team is always last. Not because he's bad at bowling - which he kind is - it's more that he's really good at heckling and messing people up mid-throw, but unfortunately, he uses his powers against his team rather than for it. The amount of times he screamed something just as Patrick was about to throw the ball (and albeit, it was often something really funny) is clearly reflected in lil' Patrick's....lil' score. When questioned about this, Head Homo's only response? "He was eating fucking cereal at a bowling alley!! What was I supposed to do?" Now that H.H. is on Lappy's team, the question of the season is - is Head Homo powerful enough to bring down the number one player in the league? And was this Brandon "Brutus" Roberts' secret evil motivation in putting him on his team? We'll see if this "Homo Handicap" develops into the next controversy of the season....

As for the other games, there was atrocious attendance from Minds in the Gutter and Korpacz's Kids. Korpacz developed a rare case of vulvar vestibulitis, which I highly don't recommend looking up in google pics, unless you want to scream, Christine developed a case of manipedicuritis, and I'm sure her nails and toes will look spectacular next week when we see them, Sexy Anne Frank was stuck in an attic (typical), and Kerin Pinns was...well whatever he was doing tonight, it was probably far weirder than I can make up. Furries? Conclusion is that none of them had proper permission slips submitted to me, and therefore will be held in detention until further notice. Aka, I'll stick them in a room with Head Homo, where he'll berate them and/or show them what the gay version of the shocker is (I'll give you a hint - it involves a fist, and you won't like it). That game does hold the record for the quickest game in Biggest Loser History - but nothing fun is over that quickly. Hey-yo!

Ok - as far as results - I know that my team's ladyparts rained a dark cloud over Sunshine and the O'Neals, in spite of their brand new team t-shirts, complete with a happy sunglass-wearing sun and adorable team nicknames on the back. I also know that the Dicks have become the new unstoppable force, relentlessly pounding the Queen and her men, over and over, possibly in the ass region. Who knows what happens in the dark? And as for the shortest game in the history of the world, aka the premie ejac involving Korpacz's Kids in the Gutter....it was over so quick, I barely knew it happened (that's what she said), so we'll have to wait for the stats from Broffie to update us on that one.

Next week, 4 Guys, 1 LadyPart, and 1 Cup will take on All the Queen's Men - hopefully my lady flower will not wilt in the face of Maegamyte's larger...talents - and be prepared for a very-JerSean-filled recap. Brace yourself. Oh, and Roxy, who had a delightfully weird nickname that I've forgotten, will be officially joining the Queen's Men as a regular as of next week. Welcome. You'll probably regret it.
Meanwhile, Lappy's Sunshine & Dark Cloud of Gayness will take on Korpacz's Kids (Korpacz, the banter will be riDICKulous, you must show up), and speaking of penises, the Dicks will take on Minds in the Gutter - it's gonna be a slaughter unless your players show up, though - MotherTucker and Jerrycurl can't take those dicks on their own, they're far too powerful.

And...that's all. See you next week. 8pm. One more week without Dede :(

-The Commish

EP 303

Hey bowlers-

So last week was weak. A lot of us weren't there, myself included, no Dede, no summary - I can only blame my 10 month old nephew, who promised he was going to walk, and then totally pussy-ed out. Babies.

But last week is over now - and tonight, we've got some good match-ups - let's make it happen, people!

4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup vs. Sunshine and the O'Neals - aka Hale vs. Lappy....yikes! And Head Homo, will you finally come? (that sounds grosser than I intended). By the way, H.H. - I had to doublecheck to know what team you were on....that means you really haven't been here this season. Tonight's the night your quotes will definitely make the summary, cause I sort of only cover the team I'm playing.

Korpacz's Kids vs. Minds in the Gutter (Korpacz vs. Jerrycurl - all should be happy and done by 10pm, since there are no smokers on either team....)

The Dicks vs. All the Queen's Men (Derek vs. Brandon - Brandon, will your queen finally show up?? Maegamyte!!)


See you there. Punks.

-The Commish