EP 105

Quote of the night:
-Jesse (yelling at his team): "DISSENSION!!! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Good shot."
-JerSean LePaulsen (to Jesse): "Stop yelling! You're stealing my thunder!"
-"Head Homo" Christopher Orne (about opponent JerSean Le P): "Commish, can I get a ruling? He's speaking Nazi." JerSean: "Ich bin ein Berliner!!"


Well, apologies to the league, this recap is extremely late, and as we all learned from Lappy's experience last week, work is no excuse. I also apologize in the advance - the Commish got a little bit tipsier than usual last night, so a lot of this recap is based on random texts to myself while drunk (I'm still not sure what this one means: "I'm not that psychedelic - that's just what I said to my doctor!" -- perhaps something to do with JerSean's multi-colored inserts?? More on that later).

First of all, HUGE upset last night. And so close to playoffs! Tartar and the Tards basically f--ed The Hookers. Hard. And then "forgot" to leave money on the nightstand. This means, innuendo aside, that the Tards have taken over the first place spot, and with one week before playoffs, one might say we are on our way. Of course the Tards, angry that we are, feel that due to Guttergate, we should have already DONE BEEN in first place, but seeing as Guttergate went the other way last night, (cough cough, Lappy, gutterball bounce, cough cough) we are willing to let bygones be bygones.

Other highlights - the whole "One Pin Finn" travesty - juicing gone wrong - illegal psychedelic gel inserts - and perhaps most importantly, THE HIGHEST FEMALE SCORE EVER. All and more - read on!

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers: As aforementioned above, the Hookers got f--ed, but not the way they like it. Team captain Jesse "So High" Drollette decided last night was the night to experiment with the effects of drugs and alcohol on bowling. Um...the results are not so great. While "science" had not weighed in by press time, eye witnesses on the scene noted that whatever combination Jesse used provoked paranoia (see quote at top), an inability to control the volume of his voice, and sadly, kinda shitty bowling. In fact, by the end of game 3, he was taken down by none other than the Commish (whose average is a paltry 102 overall) - a bet of $5 was on the last game - who would beat who? Story editor vs. story producer! Slightly drunk vs. staggering and high!! Yeah, final score was 104 to 90. The Commish took it. Boo-yah. I'm rich, beeyoches! ($5 is higher than my salary for a week)

More importantly: Could Autumn be the Lappy for the girl's side?? While her team drowned their sorrows in shots, Autumn stayed focused -- and almost singlehandedly drove the team to victory. After bowling the first female turkey, she then went on to bowl a freaking 159. 159!!!! Most of the guys can't even bowl that!!! While her roll is unconventional, it is deadly effective. Seriously, Korpacz should consider staying injured, cause Autumn is carrying the weight of the team on her shoulders (she had the highest single game of anyone on her team that night). In spite of her protests, this is not a one-trick pony - this is BL Bowling herstory in the happening.

Onto the next team....

8 Balls and a Split vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Once again, there was some shady business afoot, as always with the Bowled and the Beautiful. "Brutus" Roberts somehow convinced Beauties Dawn "Of a New Era" and Camilla "Chumsys/Corkie" that they were "busy" and "could not come". And THEN, he proceeded (along with Big Willie Style teammate) to try to bring in a straight up ringer, NOT previously approved by the Commish, someone who bowls a 300!!!! someone whose dad is a professional bowler!!!, as a replacement for said teammates (note: these ladies, though beauties, are not....bowling that type of score). The Commish put a kibosh on that right quick, teaching the lesson that while juicing is condoned, ringers are not. (especially when they're not on her team)
That said, the self-professed "biggest juicers in the game" learned the hard way that there are ill-effects to trying to 'roid your way to the top. Admittedly, this week was the highest in experimentation with juicing as a league - the infamous dark league juice between story teams 2 & 3- Lappy bowled the best game of his life, and Jesse, the worst. Greg Berg even juiced with his kids!!! Unforgivable!! Anyway, if anything, last night proved that juicing only works in moderation, and if done close to game time. "Head Homo" Orne holds that title in nickname only - he admitted that he juiced last Tuesday, but the effects had worn off by Monday, and he played worse than if he'd never juiced at all. They lost the first two games, but then in the third, Mr./Mrs. Kerin Finn cost 8 Balls and a Split a well-deserved sweep by losing the game -- by only one pin. All he needed was 10 pins!! 10 pins to win!!! Alas, "One Pin Finn" is born.

Special note to the fact that Dan "Mother-fing" Reid showed up. The betting pool is over, he did actually show this season -- and what a showing! Smelling like a million bucks, Dan Reid showed up, bowled the shit out of those pins, including a first-timer TURKEY!! (our Thanksgiving table is overloaded at this point), and even managed to booty dance with Maegan "Maegamite" McDonough on the side. What a smooth mother-f-er.

So.....what did I miss? I'm not really clear on the whole psychedelic gel inserts incident - at that point in the night, things had gotten foggy, and all I have are some pics (attached) of Christopher looking angry and JerSean LeP looking crazy. I guess that's how he always looks? Also, no idea what the whole speaking in German thing was about - the only explanation I have is that our lovely French bartender (Martine? who cares, that's her name now) kept him full-up on the double shot drinks, leaving a sloppy and un-politically correct JerSean in her wake.

Next week is week 6 - last game before playoffs!!! No pressure, but it's gonna be epic, especially for the first place slot. I'm working on a different computer at home, so not sure how I'll send the most up-to-date stats - maybe tomorrow? See you in a week!

-Tartar, the Commish

EP 104

Quote of the night:
--Greg Berg: "Brett Favre just threw his 500th touchdown pass." --Camilla: "I saw his weiner today!"
--"What? I'm not gonna give you head" - JerSean LePaulsen to Korpacz after Korpacz made a motion that he wanted a cigarette
--"Where the f-- is Lappy??" - Ambert, the counter girl

And to think.....Brandon "Brutus" Roberts wanted to cancel.

Around 5pm last night, the league was at a low point. Three out of four teams were going to have to play with only two members. Excuses abounded, from moms, to marathons, to birthday parties for "close friends". Things looked grim, and even though his team had perfect attendance as usual, Benedict Arnold Roberts nearly had the Commish rethinking the game that night. But then at 6:04, JerSean LePaulsen brought us back to what's really important by powering up after a loooooong marathon shoot and coming out for glory. Korpacz was quickly bribed to come off the DL list by some shots of Patron. And newcomer (possible permanent sub) Audrey "Deadly Red" Wood agreed to fill in for the very much abandoned Tartar and the Retards.

And then history was made.

But first - a side note. The much-watched, high profile player Michael "Lappy" Laplante chose sleep over his team -- chose his own personal health over the health of his team's record.....and it would cost him. While the Kingpin slept, his crown was taken from him -- and his record - beaten. It was history in the making, as "Big Willie Style" Simpson started out game two with 5 strikes in a row. That's right, the exact same amount that Lappy had last week. But the final score? A walloping 194, which bested Lappy by 4 pins and gave Will the highest score of the season.

And it couldn't have come at a more crucial time. See below for the full game summaries.....

The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. The Hookers: It seemed like an easy win for the Hookers -- number one in the league, only one loss so far this season. And they were playing the Bowled and the Beautiful, who, let's face it, had thus far shown that they were far better at cheering their team to a loss than a victory.

But they had some tricks up their sleeve. While the Beauties trail the league in wins, they apparently have been leading the league in juicing. Especially "Head Homo" Orne, who has been stacking it on the weekends, on weeknights, possibly even during lunch hours (Jesse and Tartar recently caught a sweaty Orne walking into the caf midday, clearly just coming off a bender at the alleys). Not to mention......DRAGONBALL. (wish I had a sound effect for that one -- please see attached picture). Unlike the failed LL Cool J movie, this Dragonball had fire. Armed with the secret weapon that united the team unlike Sandwiches or Weezy ever could, the team propelled themselves to victory.

"Big Willie" Simpson clearly was a huge factor, with his five strikes and his ridiculous (Lappy-beating) score of 194. Camilla - formerly Chumsys - dropped the cutesy nickname and picked one that was either named after a mentally retarded '80s tv icon, or after Brett Favre's aforementioned "cork" (new nickname: Corkie). "Head Homo" Orne can't be discounted, though - he went above and beyond for his team, and while he hasn't been forthright about where and when he got ahold of this mysterious DRAGONBALL (sound effect) -- I'll just leave it up to your imagination. Christopher knows where the balls are at. End of story.

The saddest news of the night, however, is the death of Korpacz (as a player, that is). The Patron did not soothe the pain of his bum knee, and after a killah first game, he is now crippled, possibly for life, doomed to hobble about the 3 Ball offices and mumble incoherently about the Flyahs. Korpacz, we will pour one out for you next week. R.I.P, homie -- we'll see you at the crossroads.

Tartar and the Retards vs. 8 Balls and a Split: I looked in Scott's eyes last night, and I could feel it - we were doomed to lose. After a triple abandonment due to sad, lackluster excuses, the pressure was on for Scott and Tartar, the only Tards who were dedicated enough to come out last night. And like the captain of the Titanic, they were forced to go down with the ship. After a tense 40 minute delay of game by Hollie "Slow as Molasses" Self ("I was working!" she claims. As previously mentioned, this is not an excuse that holds water), the game got off to a slow start, with both teams playing subpar. Especially disappointing was De-"Not Wrecking Much of Anything" Kind, who, in spite of Lappy's absence, did not take advantage of the Kingpin slot. In fact, it may have been the absence of his nemesis (and the lack of money on the line) which was the cause of his blah final average of 118. A cloud of gloom hung over the game -- people got strikes and their own teams didn't notice, Hols to the Wall discovered that she may need to drink less in order to play better (nooooooo!!) - even JerSean LePaulsen, though solidly on his game, merely got plastered in a quiet and brooding manner (save the exception of the Korpacz quote above). The Commish was even interrupted halfway through the game and accused of a team member not paying! Yes, 8 Balls won, by a measly 5 pins in the end, but there wasn't much of a celebration.
The only exciting thing to come out of the night was that the number two and number three seeds have gotten that much closer - Tartar and the Tards barely scrape by at second place with 7 wins, 5 losses to 8 Balls 5 wins, 7 losses. It's pretty tight. *that's what he said.

But let's go back to happier thoughts. MAJOR upset with the Bowled and the Beautiful taking down the Hookers. Will they somehow juice their way to the top? Stay tuned for next week, with the Beauties taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the rival match of Tartar and the Retards vs. The Hookers (that's right, we haven't forgotten "Guttergate").

Lappy, please come back. Please.

--The Commish

EP 103

Quote of the night: Camilla: "Why is this ball wet?" Christopher: "Oh, I pee on other people's balls."

Week 3 brought out the highest attendance to date - a monstrous 18 bowlers, perhaps in order to see some repeat antics of JerSean LePaulsen? - but the crowd would be disappointed. He restrained himself to single shot drinks instead of doubles - and it paid off in giving him the Most Improved Bowler award - his average jumped from a measly 77 to an impressive 123. Supposedly, the lesson learned is that one plays better sober??? But that can't be right....

Week 3 also brought us some of the most impressive stats to date. Pilgrim Greg Berg, who gave us our first turkey of the season last week, one-upped himself by delivering an incredible two more turkeys this week. And then he killed an Indian for good measure. You'd think that'd be enough to win him most impressive feat of the evening, but then MVP Lappy had to go and get five freaking strikes in a row. I'm not sure anyone will be able to unseat this Kingpin -- and Derek "Wrecking His Wallet" Kind is currently 60 bucks in the hole.

That said, here are the results:

Tartar and the Retards vs. The Bowled and the Beautiful: Man, those Beauties cannot catch a break. In spite of an extremely upbeat and positive outlook, the Beauts were bowled over by the Tards 3 games to zip. The Tards, fueled by anger (and possibly 'roids), were the thundercloud to the Beauties' sunshine, and in spite of an amazing performance by Camilla "Chumsys" Dahnak (see how cute their nicknames are?), it was basically like watching the Care Bears take on a pack of wild grizzly bears. They didn't stand a chance. The Beauties remain adorable, but in dead last place, having won only one game so far. Perhaps they can still win the Best Attendance Award?

The Hookers vs. 8 Balls and a Split: At first, it seemed like a classic underdog story - the scrappy 8 Balls managed to topple the mighty Goliath first place Hookers in the first game, giving the unbeatable Hookers their first loss of the season. De-Wrecking Ball Kind lived up to his team name by taking on a 7-6 split, and doing the thing that everybody tries to do, but never works - ricocheting one pin into another for the spare. And of course, let's not forget JerSean LePaul, who laid off the sauce and started to bowl like he'd promised. Even recently sex-changed Kerin Finn had gotten his(her) patented "creep" move down and was bowling in the solid 120s. But alas, the Hookers came back in the second and third due to Plymouth Rock founder Greg Berg and his turkeys. They remain solidly in first at 8-1, but their perfect record was broken (the Tards are very happy about this, since they're in second place).

Biggest Balls of Them All Award: Clearly Lappy. 5 motherf-ing strikes!! In a row!! Maybe we should just name the award the Lappy award instead? Thank god he's on my team.

Benedict Arnold Award: Brandon "Co-Commish" Roberts, for twice trying to trade himself onto a new team. A little team loyalty would be nice, Brandon - or should I call you Brutus? Oh, and p.s., Lappy makes a strong case for himself as the Co-Commish, seeing as he was making things happen last night both on and off the alley, so there may be another coup in store. Brandon may find himself Secretary of Transportation by the end of the season.

Most Promising Female: Last night, it was definitely Camilla, who was all strikes, spares, and smiles, playing the self-reported "best game of her life" (just don't look at her last game). Note: this is not a spelling error, it is most promising female, not most promiscuous, just in case anyone was confused. Or excited.

Next week, we go back to the beginning of the rotation, with Tartar and the Retards taking on 8 Balls and a Split, and the Bowled and the Beautiful taking on the Hookers (yikes - slaughter alert). Detailed results attached.

Oh, and by the way, no more 5 people games. 4 Maximum. I don't care if your teammates are all there, and they look at you with tears in their eyes - someone must sit out a game. Otherwise, we run the risk of not finishing, like we did last night. The Commish has given her verdict. No appeals.

Ok, see you all next week, 8pm sharp!

-Tartar "The Commish" Canny

EP 102

Quote of the night: "Why are the f--ing lights out?? What am I, a f--ing 15-year-old dropping acid?? (more expletives)" - Sean Paulsen (VERY LOUDLY)
Also, "Man, I can't find my bowling shoes!" -Sean Paulsen, immediately after turning them in

Only two weeks in, and already the league is awash in controversy. Allegations of juicing (aka practicing on the weekends), drug abuse, blatant hustling, and the infamous "One Pin" debacle have rocked the bowling league, and left many bowlers with a bad taste in their mouth (especially those who actually ate the food at the bowling alley). Plus, everyone's names were mispelled (sometimes hilariously--thanks to our lovely counter girl, Ambert). It was a travesty. More highlights below, but first of all, the results:

Team 1 vs. Team 2 (aka Tartar and the Retards vs. Jesse's Girls, renamed the Hookers--cause they prefer to get paid for it, I guess?): It was a tight match (that's what she said) between the Tards and the Hooks -- at times, one might say it was highway robbery (note, the Commish is very biased on this game, as her team lost). First off, straight up hustler Autumn "Bringin' the Fall" deVitry, after claiming that she was a "terrible bowler", and hoping she "wouldn't embarrass" her team, proved to be a hands down ringer with a starting score of 130, beating former Queenpin Dawn Haber by one pin. In spite of the balmy summer breeze outside, Autumn was the downfall of Tartar and the Retards, possibly even edging out former teammate Korpacz from ever playing again. Then there was the aforementioned "One Pin" controversy -- during game two, a single pin that had lingered in the gutter for almost the entire first game came to the Hookers rescue when Rodney threw a gutter ball, catapulting that pin back into the alley and knocking over a single pin, turning a gutter ball into a 1, and then converting it into a spare. Which wouldn't be that big a deal if the entire game hadn't come down to a two pin difference. Demoralized and defeated, Tartar and the Tards were defeated in the final game, making it a 3-0 win for the Hookers, who are now first place in the league (with a decided asterisk next to game 2). A rivalry is born.

Team 3 vs. Team 4 (aka The Bowled and the Beautiful vs. 8 Balls and a Split): Not much is know about this game, even by those who played it, because both teams got pretty obliterated throughout the match. The Barney Award (referencing Barney from the Simpsons) goes hands down to JerSean LePaulsen, who spent most of the game cursing out the disco lights, and kneeling like a defeated Samurai after every ball thrown. Hope he shows up today, cause no one knows how he got home last night (due to loud racial comments outside, he may have been accosted by ruffians in the parking lot). As for the actual results, The Bowled and the Beautiful started out strong due to Christopher Horne's hitting the juice - er, I mean, hitting the alleys this past weekend, but things took a downturn after he downed a pitcher of beer by himself somewhere around game 2. 8 Balls and a Split came out on top this week, pushing the Bowled and Beautiful into last place. Brandon and Dawn better stop going to concerts and start coming back to bowling -- you don't wanna go out like this. Paulsen had a 65 in the last frame, and his team still beat you. Yikes.

Head Homo Award (I swear, Christopher came up with this): Christopher Horne comes up the winner this week as the lead gay player, edging himself out from last week by 8 pins. Note: the league does not condone "practicing" on the weekends, but does acknowledge that said practices do take place and turns a blind eye, since it does enhance the game (and the muscles). As for the head homo award, the Commish predicts that Christopher will continue to dominate this award all season, since he is the only gay player - unless someone "switches teams" at some point in the season. My money is on Kevin Finn, whose name is already mispelled as Keri -- one step closer to the other side.

Biggest Balls of Them All Award: Michael "Lappy" LaPlante, in spite of a discouraging defeat, still managed to hit the highest score so far this season at 183. He continues to hold onto the Kingpin award with a strong average of 162.666667 this week - and $40 in the bank from his continuing bet with Derek "Not Wrecking Lappy" Kind. The tab will be high this season for Mr. Kind, thinks the Commish.

The Gobble! Gobble! Award!!: The first turkey of the season goes to master editor Greg Berg!! Late in game 3, in the tenth frame, no less, the mighty Mr. Berg pulled out the much coveted third strike. Hopefully, others will go on to get more turkeys for our Thanksgiving table throughout the season, but as everyone knows, nothing quite compares to the first time.

The Choke Award: Sadly, this goes to Maegan McDonaugh, who was our much hyped "best female". The pressure got to her, as she continued to be dogged by 9s and splits, leaving her with a sad starting average of 99. We may have found the solution, though -- much like Popeye needs his spinach, Maegan needs her Stella Artois -- she was a little too dry this game, due to the fact that she was spending her time getting the opposing team drunk and not enough time getting herself liquored up to play. This is a mistake her team will not let happen twice. JerSean LePaulsen better watch out - the Barney award may be snagged next time Maegan comes out to play.

Next week, Tartar and the Retards go head to head with the Bowled and the Beautiful (number 2 in the league vs. number 4 in the league), while the Hookers go on to cheat their way to the top against 8 Balls and a Split (note: Commish is still bitter about the "One Pin.") Detailed results attached. See you all next week, 8pm sharp!

-Tartar "The Commish" Canny

EP 101

Quote of the night: "I need bigger balls - they fit my hand better." -- me

BL Bowling had a killer start last night -- all teams represented (by showing up), beer was drank, balls were thrown, and some true contenders emerged. Here are some highlights:

"Biggest Balls of Them All" Award: Patrick "Bring the" Reina brought a downpour during his first game with the highest overall score of the night - 182. Unfortunately, the shower quickly fizzled to a light drizzle and then eventually a heavy marine layer during the 2nd and 3rd games, but his is the score to beat for the ongoing highest score of the season (which I am calling the aforementioned "Biggest Balls of Them All" award.)

"Kingpin" Award: First round draft pick Michael "Lappy" LaPlante proved he could deliver in this first game, with the highest overall average of 139 (for all three games). But Lappy shouldn't get too comfy -- Jesse "No Nickname" Drollette is fast on his heels with a 135.3333333 (and probably more 3s). Place your bets now for next week, it's gonna be tight.

"Queenpin" Award: Dawn "Of a New Era" Haber came out of nowhere to claim the female highest average score with a lofty 115 (.66667). Word is she was "doing it all for Weezie." However, she may get a run for her money next week when Maegan McD makes her season debut.

"Lucky Luciano" Award: Best bet of the night goes to Lappy and De "Wrecking Ball" Kind on the last game of the night - tied halfway through at 64, the Wrecking Ball bet the Lap Dizzle a twenty note that he would come out on top. But in the last frame, number one draft pick Lappy beat him -- by one single pin. Keep your eyes on these two for the rest of the season -- the Wrecking Ball couldn't be stopped from betting that he can beat Lappy on overall points for the season -- at press time, there was no monetary amount specified, but don't worry -l'll keep you posted.

"Thanksgiving" Award": Unfortunately, the Thanksgiving table is looking a bit bare -- no turkeys so far this season. But no one is on the hunt more than Scott "Brofmaniac" Brofman, who came within sight of a bird not once, not twice, but three times, only to have the turkey fly away home. (do turkeys fly?)

Leading the league are Tartar and the Retards (working title) and Jesse's Girls (also subject to change), with both teams making a clean sweep of 3 games to 0. Next week, the top two will go head to head, and the biggest losers, teams 3 & 4 will face off (no names specified at press time). Betting is strongly encouraged and sanctioned by this league. Attached are the full scores if you want to see how you measure up. Also, we need some team names!!!


--Tara "The Commish" Canny (that's right, I've just made it official)