EP 403

"What's that in the air? The fine mist of semen." - JerSean

"What do I have to get tonight to stay KingPin, 150? I shit 150." - Lappy

"I forgot about the benefits of Korpacz on my team - Bottles! before the first game even starts!!" - Me

"Never supported bottles, they never had any business being at El Dorado bowling alley - deal with it. (claps two bowling balls together)" - JerSean

"Do you like Baby Tigers?" - Me to Lappy

"Anything's better than Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain, that's the worst name I've ever heard." - Lappy

"Roar!" - Double E

"People are hating our team name because it's too long." - Brandon

"So is my Diiiiiiiiick." - XXXtine

"Ohhhh, Tigers, all over your face!!" - XXXtine, making spraying gestures from both breast & vajayjay

"Don't spare me the bukkake or the titty milk!" - JerSean

"Bukkake? I know what it is, I just didn't know there was a term for that." - Hollie

"You're writing your own quotes?" - Brofman

"She made me, but I'm really bad at it." - Double E

"It's true. She's really bad at it." - The Commish

"Meanwhile, my Baby Tiger's getting bukkake'd on." - Double E

"Somebody on the Tigers needs to get fixed - right now." - Lappy

"How do you spell bukkake!!??" -Double E

"I'm giving the Commish alternate bites!" - Double E

"The Commish has already pooped on all of these. They're not even in the record books - they're not even pictures in the record books!" - Brandon/JerSean (they were yelling over each other)

"No, Moonie - go to her good quote ear!" - JerSean (re: me)

"Bukkake + Tigers = Mess." - Lappy

"What animal would not smoke pot if given the chance!?" - JerSean

"You missed by a shot of cum, buddy." - Brandon

"Maybe if I hadn't bukkaked all over their face the 1st game, I'd have the energy". - JerSean

"I'M SOBER!!" - Double E

"Who's idea was it to put the slowest human beings with the drunkest human beings and call it a team??" - Lappy (first quote of the season!!)

"Korpack(sp) is faking injuries!! Blasphemy! Signed, the end of the fucking league." - Handwritten by Brandon into my quote book

"Imagine a Brandon & Head Homo sweat-off." - Me

"Can you imagine those two having sex?" - Camilla

"They'd just slide right off each other." - Hollie

"Bukkake all over your little kitty faces!!" - XXXtine

Camilla presses a button on the bowling machine and speaks into it. "Help?"

Well, clearly Bukkake will need to be on the awards ballot as one of the most overused words of the season. I kinda just want to call their team Bukkake from now on, because the name is too damn long to remember (and their team has nothing to do with Linnsanity, in my opinion. Is XXXtine actually Asian? Her boobs are way too big.) Now that everyone is clear on its definition and spelling, we shall move on. We also have our first quote of the season, by Lappy!! So true, so true. Brandon, nice try with the quote you wrote in my book, but you'll have to do better than that.

Speaking of team names changing....yeah, nice try, No Ma'am. Appreciate the Married with Children reference, very clever, but I'm going to keep calling you Silent Sausage Party. It happened to the Dicks, too - if you don't give me a team name til week 3, it's just not happening. That's like changing a baby's name a year in.

So in spite of the quotes above, the Double E quotes were not entirely a failed experiment. A few of them made it in, and some of them were in the right zone, but weren't quite full quotes. Quantity is better than quality (because I edit that shit), and she more than made up for her attempt to simply record the quotes into her phone by actually listening to the recording the next day and emailing me more quotes. Granted, I'm too lazy to find that email and go through those quotes, but I appreciate the effort. Kinda like when you take the time to give your editor a string of every possible food shot in the cooking challenge, and the day before he's done editing, you find out he never even looked at it. I mean, that's just one example. ARGGh.

In a classic case of a reality villain demonstrating hubris, Lappy's famous last words of the night were that he "shits 150s." He must have been a little constipated Monday night - I'd love for Broffie to send the stats for us to see where our KingPin stands in the individual standings. Lappy, I'd try some fiber before next week.

Speaking of standings (actually, this also goes with my pooping analogy!), I dropped a bomb Monday night (get it?!) when I let you bastards know that one team is not gonna make the playoffs. Enough of this Little League, everyone gets a trophy bullshit!! The team with the worst standings doesn't make it in. Even if it's mine. Although, knowing me and my abuse of absolute power, I will probably figure out a way to change the rules if my team is dead last. Entirely possible, judging by our bad luck charm of Head Homo and our delicate flower, Korpacz, whose injury seems to spring up either when he bowls a bad game, or when his girlfriend needs him to paint her toenails.

I don't know who won!! My team won 1, lost 2 to In N Out - based on all of the bukkake on their face, I'd say the Tigers lost 1 or 2 along the way. I couldn't hear anything beyond JerSean, so who knows what happened with THE SILENT SAUSAGE PARTY or Pinnetrators.

4 nights left of this season - only 3 games for some of us! I'm scared!!!

Bukkake,

-The Commish

EP 402

"Who the fuck does that? If a girl is laying on you, you have sex with her." - Sexy Anne Frank

"Oh, she's squirting early." - Brofman, re: XXXtine's victory splash on her team after she bowled a strike in game one

"Jerry is the silent but deadly sausage." - Big Willie Style

"OH MY GOD!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!" - JerSean

"This is game 1." - Jesse

"A Jew speaking math is like a bird squawking. I don't understand a word of it. I'm anti-Semathic." - Head Homo to Brofman, who was trying to explain how to figure out who had won game one

"They all deserve the Head Homo award - they have different high fives for different scores that they get. That's the gayest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen some gay shit." - Head Homo (re: the Pinnetrators)

"You know that some people believe that blue balls don't exist?" - Tucker

"When I'm with a guy, I never see blue balls, cause I finish what I start." - Sexy Anne Frank

"If you want a good gay joke, go hit up Orne." - Brofman

"If you want a good gay joke, that IS Orne." - Sexy Anne Frank

"This is a split (makes a "V" over her vagina). This is a strike (makes an "X" over her vagina)." - Mugge

"I'm a grower, not a shower." - Head Homo

"I taught Moonie about pearl necklaces, bukkake, donkey punching, the basics of life. You think she'd know about them, being Asian." - XXXtine

"What does it feel like to go home and not have anyone to tell about how great a job you did bowling tonight? Cause I get to go home to my wife." - Brofman

"I go home and whack off." - Sexy Anne Frank

"_______________" - Head Homo

"Ok, that's crossing the line." - Brofman (this quote was censored by the Commish. And humanity)

"I'm not just a rack!!" - XXXtine

Moonie tries to do a chest bump and rolls right off of XXXTine's boobs.

"You just slick-boobed!" - Me

"Someone should tell him hand sanitizer's not a good lubricant." - Head Homo

"Sorry, I just jerked off in the bathroom." - Derek

"Blah blah blah, unforgettable quote after unforgettable quote!!" - Brandon

"I'm gonna dress like you for Halloween. All I need is a Coheed and Cambria sweatshirt and I'm set." - Berardi to Hale

"Who stole my shoes!!???!!" -Camilla

To the tune of "Hey Mickey!"...."Hey Titty!" - Everyone around XXXtine

"Come to papa, come to papa...." - Paulsen waiting for a spare

He picks up the spare, jumps over the seats, and almost kills Derek's girlfriend

"I don't want to go to papa!!" - Dana

Lil Patrick gets molested under Brandon's shirt.

"That was not a chest bump." - Lil Patrick (might have been crying a little)

"How am I the only person who doesn't do drugs!!?? Between two teams!!" - Hale

"Dawn milked a baby tiger in Thailand!! With its cracked out mother right beside her!!" - Maegamyte/ Double E (it was a combo)

I almost just hit send with only the quotes - it's kinda all you need. I gotta get some work done today, so here are the highlights from last night:

-My Team is Love, to further spite Lappy, is now calling themselves Baby Tigers. Anything to get a rise out of Lappy, who continues to not show up. Meanwhile, his KingPin gets further and further away from him, as Rick Shirey bowled a 223!!! last night!!!! Rick Dick Strong!!

-Sadly for Maegamyte, the QueenPin is also quickly becoming a lady-equivalent of a wet dream, as Moonie and JessiCan battle it out in their slick shoes for the title. Moonie bowled a freaking 184 last night!!! JessiCan is bowling steadily in the 150s!!! Do we have a 1930 East Germany scandal on our hands!!!?? Juicing!!

-Speaking of the Nazis....__________________ (this part of the recap has also been censored. Make the connection.)

-In possibly the funniest/saddest moment of the night, Camilla almost had to do a barefoot walk of shame from El Dorado, which in all of league history has only ALMOST happened.....to JerSean. (thanks to good samaritan teenagers, possibly Mormons, whom he had befriended in the night, they noticed that his sneakers were still there and ran out to find him in the parking lot, possibly smashing vodka glasses). Luckily, after running around in socks (and sliding all over the place, adorably pathetic), finally Pirahna admitted to having taken them. And the Commish notes that her entire team abandoned her to the shoeless wolves throughout the whole shenanigans. (sheganery?)

-Hale is the sole non-drug user amongst his team (Jesse, Moonie, Roxy, & JessiCan), and his opposing (JerSean, XXXtine, Brandon, Lil Patrick, and Derek). So Mom & Dad were wrong, drugs ARE cool!!!

-In perhaps the most calculating and heartless move EVER, Brofman decided to try to get in Sexy Anne Frank's head (because she was bowling better than him, note the game scores)....he goes, "What would depress her the most?? Oh yeah, she's single!!" and proceeded to make cat lady jokes all night. Sadly, this strategy did not work for my team, seeing as we lost all three games. I forgot how to bowl, I think. I know it involves cocklate shots, but I forget the next part...

-Farm Leaguer Kristen Spaur has requested to be nicknamed "Garlic Areola" in regards to an incident in a restaurant where she misunderstood the meaning of aoli....

-Dede is asking where Korpack is. According to Paulsen, the REAL reason he wasn't there last night was because:

"Oh, I guess Korpacz didn't "like" his girlfriend's facebook page!! He probably had to do damage control, cause he's dating Justin Bieber!!"

Yeah, Korpacz. This is what it feels like to be on the Commish's shit list. Speaking of which, how exactly did you hurt your bowling wrist? Was it from saying, "Fabulous!!" too many times or while knitting your girlfriend a sweater??

Speaking of shit list...

1. A Tie! between Korpacz, Lappy, and Hols to the Wall!!! (where are you???? and why do you have a tattoo?)

Slick Boobs!!

-The Commish

EP 401

"Is that Amadeus?" -Finnberg, re: Head Homo & his long curly locks

"See? My shoes is slick!" - Moonie

And then:
"Put that money near a mouth somewhere!" - Moonie

"The warm-up is throwing me off. I may have to take off my pants." -Jesse

"Did you just say something?" -Me
"Oh, I'll let you know when I'm quote-worthy." -Head Homo

"I'm sure for women you need some kind of pretzel dick to get to your clitoris." -Head Homo (after specifying that his dick is straight as an battering ram)

"I would've changed every fucking plan in the world if I knew I could have a captain hat." - Head Homo, in reference to Hollie's birthday (only some people will understand this)

"I don't know how you guys clean those things." - Brofman, making gestures at the ladies' vaginas.

"I can't bring my wife to bowling, I have kids!" - Brofman
"You know who could watch your kids? My wife!" - Jesse

"Jesse, you and I tied. We should probably kiss or something." - Head Homo

"I like your cock." - Head Homo to Jesse, over megaphone

Jesse bites Head Homo's chest.
"Omigod, I think I just came in my pants. Jesse is my #1." - Head Homo

"Fuck this game. And Christopher Orne's ass." - Jesse
"Let's do this!!" - Head Homo

"I think it'd be really fun to hate fuck Jesse." - Head Homo
"Me too." -Jesse (Exhibit A.)

"Tartar, you're up!!" - Kyle
"She's doing god's work right now!!" - Head Homo (I was writing quotes)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, almost all these quotes are from Head Homo. But he's really loud and he's on my team, so that's pretty much gonna be the scenario all season. So DEAL WITH IT!!!

Obviously, the ONLY story to be told from last night is the fact that we've pretty much already got a winner for BEST BOWLING ACCESSORY EVER.......

Double E made me a freaking gold megaphone for my tiny absurd voice!!!!!

That's right, instead of pathetically yell-whispering into a plastic cup, I now have my very own bowling megaphone!! It works really well at ordering drinks without having to make that long walk to the bar, too!! The only small problem is that it is now a cesspool of disease, since all you bastards kept putting your filthy mouths up to it. Christopher Harris. I'm terrified when JerSean comes back - he's already at decibels way too loud for human ears, I don't want it amplified. Explosions.

In other news, as you can see from the scintillating quotes above, there is quite the romance developing between Head Homo & Jesse "Zorro" Drollette. In spite of Jesse's DJ wife, MCWifey, being in attendance, Head Homo was blatantly putting the moves on Jesse last night - and I gotta say, Jesse was not really resisting. See Exhibit A. By the way, if you're wondering what "Jesse's my #1" means, look no further. Jesse is Head Homo's number one pick amongst the BL Bowling men, should he ever go the gay way. Now he just has to get him drunk enough.....or high enough....I'd give him 3 more Monday nights. Jesse, care to take that bet?

Speaking of wifeys, we had our first ever El Dorado Bowling Wives night, with both Char-char and MCWifey in attendance. So basically, it's the beginning of the end of bowling. All I need to do is put them on the recap chain, and I might as well press the self-destruct button. Just know, we only have Brandon to blame, who started it all last week by posing the question, "You know, I don't know why you ladies don't come more often" to Char Char & MCWifey. A question he asks on a regular basis, but I digress. This led to, "We're not allowed to, we thought?" and Brandon's response, "Really? I've never heard that!" and all of a sudden, the door was wide open. I personally enjoy both ladies, and am slightly afraid that they may take the Queen's Cup, but still, bros before hoes. And mostly, I'm afraid the MC (my MC, that is) will find out what that stands for. Self-destruct!!

Ok, now to the actual bowling. My team, "We All Love Head", banged out a win over Jesse, Moonie & JessiCan's "Slick Shoes" (they REALLY are amused by their team name. Just let them be happy), in spite of Moonie's ridiculous lady-bowling. Strike strike strike strike. Queen Maegamyte, your throne is in danger!

Speaking of Maegamyte, Double E, & Martha, aka, the ladies team plus Lappy, they were pretty much obliterated by "In N Out" - Rick Shirey, Chumsys, Rodney, & Big Willy Style. I can no longer call Rick "Limp Dick", because he is officially strong like bull - this is the team to beat this season. Will Simpson bowling a freaking 193 (191? You know I don't keep stats), Rodney's bowling in the 140, 150s, and Chumsys is even picking it up with scores in the 112s. Are they called In N Out because of editing? Because of their love of hamburgers? Or because they like to bang you, harder and harder, In N Out, until they've left you on the lanes, crying? I think it might be option 3. Who made these freaking teams??? Brandon....I'm sensing a theme.....

Oh, and Lappy, you should wish you came this week, because in your absence, your team has made damn sure that you will not like the team name. I believe we decided on, "My Team is Love"? Dawn is gonna love it!!!

Lastly, the "Pinnetrators" firmly penetrated Derek & Patrick's asses, 3 games to one. Not surprising, seeing as their entire team deserted them for stupid things like Clippers games and Cleveland. And whoever XXXtine was robbing at gunpoint. Oh, and their team name is "Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain." Not too impressed with these team names this season, I gotta say.

As for our last team, Jerrycurl, the LH Assassin, Greg Berg, Finnberg, and Matt Gallagher, aka the Silent Sausage Party - I'm just giving them a name because they have yet to come up with one. They got stuck farm leaguing this week, but don't worry, they'll be ready to go next week. FYI - Farm League games do NOT count in the stats. Not for averages, not for winning/losing games. It's a Hall Pass, people. Take advantage. (just don't ever see that movie.)

Ok! Next week, it's In N Out vs. the Silent Sausage Party - how many men will be penetrated in that game?? And Slick Shoes will take on Linnsane in the Bukkake Brain (ok, you know your name is bad when I have to keep looking it up to make sure I say it correctly. booooooooo), aka Brandon vs. Jesse's wallet. And lastly, it's the Pinnetrators vs. We All Love Head - hopefully, Korpacz will re-prioritize and Broffie will stop washing his daughter's va-jay-jay long enough to bowl with us. A woman's lady parts are a delicate flower. And mystery.

Oh, and My Team is Love, you guys are farm-leaguing it. Oh, Lappy. I love your team name so much.

That's it, except for the fact that my megaphone is so amazing. And remember when I bowled a 157!!!!!!!

Cocklate shots!!

-The Commish

EP 312

Well, I'd like to start out by saying....MY TEAM WON THE MOTHERFUCKING CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!!! WHAT???? Yes, we drank Dede's finest champagne out of that filthy cup (Jesse definitely has hepatitis now), and yes it was an amazingly high scoring game, well fought by Minds in the Gutter, especially Big Willy Style, who scared us thoroughly by starting out game 1 with a turkey, for christ's sake. Luckily, MVP Kyle Swanson, aka Samsonite, aka Shadynasty, came through for us, and definitely got us the win when he scored a 202 on the second and winning game. 2 out of 3, bitches!!!

But before I go any further, League, we need to talk. Sit down, please.

I don't want to beat around the bush. (Well, I kinda do - hey-yo!) I've tried to ignore it for weeks now, but after the poor attendance at last night's Championships, I just can't do this anymore. You (collectively, the league) just don't seem like you're into it anymore. Oh sure, we go through the motions, but it's just not like it used to be, and I'm tired of pretending. I've pulled every trick out of my book to try to make you come, but I don't know if it's worth the effort anymore. It's certainly not satisfying me, faking it. All you do is work, work, work. I never thought this would happen to us - this is the kind of thing that happens to other people. It's like you care more about your job than you care about our time together. I guess I could be partially to blame - my recaps have been late, and kind of half-assed, and if I'm honest, I haven't been coming as often either. And I did bring a lot of new people into our relationship, which may have been too much for you to handle. But is this really it? Is this the end? I like you too much to keep going on like this, but just think about all that we would lose if we broke up. El Dorado, Dede, The Cup, the good times, the excessive drinking - and let's face it, if we go our separate ways, I'm taking all that shit with me. You can keep your balls, I guess. If I'm feeling generous.

Look, I don't want to get bitter. I think what we need is some time apart, to reevaluate things, and think about all of the reasons we want to be together. Cause let's face it, it's not about the bowling. I don't even like bowling. I like the excuse to drink and hang out with all of you. And the dick jokes. I do like the dick jokes.

So let's take the next few months and think about how we'd like things to be different next season. I mean, we all want to come, right? I'd come every day, if I could. (hey-yo!) And if you're not interested in coming, just tell me, and I'll stop making the effort. Frankly, I'm starting to get carpal tunnel.

Next season starts in January, a fresh start. I'd like to try to get back to the old us, the league that El Dorado alternately loved and hated in turn, the league that drove away as much business as we gave, the league that broke ball returns, stole shit from the bowling alley, and drank/smoke/did E/coke/prescription drugs so much that we forgot what happened until the recap the next day. I know we can't have our JerSean back, he's gone now - but we can still have that magic that we had during season 1. Maybe I'll even let you keep the lights on next season. (probably not). You can park in the back parking lot, but I'd prefer you to come in the front door. Wait a minute, what am I talking about, I've lost track.

See you in January.

Oh, wait! There will be bowling next week, I'll let Brandon tell you about it, cause I'm not sure exactly what it will be. All-Star Game take two? He can get you excited about it, I'm no fluffer.

And there will be an end of season party, and of course awards - I'll send a separate email about that once I make up the ballot. I'd like Dede to be able to come (now that word is too loaded - oh god!) to the party, so maybe it won't be on a Monday. I hear she has Fridays off, so maybe we'll do a shindig on a Friday. Significant others will be welcome for this one time only.


It's not you, it's me. Actually, scratch that, it's definitely you.

-The Commish

EP 311

Important news! The championship game has been pushed to Monday, Oct. 17th, due to our need to sell more ad time and get the odds up in Vegas. Also, I'll be in NYC next week, so that may or may not have been a reason. Your season three SuperBowl-ing Tournament will be played by Minds in the Gutter (duh) and my very own team, 4 Guys, 1 Girl, 1 Cup! How does the Commissioner always manage to make the finals?? This is CRAZY. I would say it was fixed, but the guy who made the teams was out first round of the playoffs....so.....yeah.

So the question is - what is happening next week, if it's not the Championship? Well, in Super Bowl fashion, I propose that we do the All-Star game next week, our equivalent of the ProBowl, although hopefully with better attendance. This is the game where the top 16 bowlers play each other, March Madness style, in single elimination games. #1 plays #16, and figure out the rest. One person becomes the victor at the end of the night. It's tons of fun, and lots of surprises - Maegamyte made it all the way to the final two last season and almost took the whole tournament before Lappy rained on her parade. This is the top 16, in case you were wondering: (fyi, averages close at end of season - pre-playoffs)

1 - Lappy (162.8)
2 - Rick Shirey (154.2)
3 - Jerry Meech (153)
4 - Derek Kind (151.4)
5 - Mike Hale (149.3)
6 - Tucker Biggs (142.7)
7 - Kye Swanson (142.3)
8 - Devin McGovern (138.4)
9 - Jesse Drollette (135.5)
10 - Scott Brofman (134)
11 - Brandon Roberts (133.9)
12 - Alex Houlton (133.6)
13 - Steve O (133.5)
14 - Greg Berg (132.7)
15 - Will Simpson (130.7)
16 - Kevin Finn & Rodney Holland (129)

1st round matchups:

Lappy vs. Kevin or Rodney (Kevin and Rodney would need to have a game playoff to see who gets to be destroyed by Lappy)
Rick vs. Will
Jerry vs. Greg
Derek vs. Steve O
Hale vs. Houlton
Tucker vs. Brandon
Swanson vs. Broffy
Devin vs. Jesse

If anyone can't make it, we'll bump up someone. So yeah, that's what's going down. Just to make the email even longer, here are your quotes from the championships:

"Ooh, free drink!" - XXXtine, grabbing a drink off a trashcan outside of El Dorado

"There are little white dots everywhere!" - Roxy
"Omigod, she's doing mushrooms and bowling!" - Head Homo

"Just wait til the lights go out. Chris Orne might walk up and rape you." - Hale to post supervisor Adam, who was visiting

"Ever wonder why you never see Kevin Finn wearing shorts? That's why." - Lappy (you'd have to see Kevin Finn wearing shorts to understand)

Hale starts talking about fisting.
"Shut your fist hole. Fucker." - Camilla

"My entire team's on their period right now." - Hale

"Don't scratch your balls so obviously." - Me to Hale

"You keep eating my fucking carrots, I'm gonna fucking cut you." - Me to Hale

"What the fudge?" -Lil' Patrick
"You don't know how to bowl, that's what the fudge." - Head Homo

"Oh, here comes Captain McSmokeyPants!" -Camilla re: Jesse

"Where's the rapist? Hey, Hale!" - Head Homo

"He chooses to do well today, but loses his money every other day??" - Mugge, re: Jesse

"Mugge has a bigger dick than all of you." - Hale
"Yeah, it's like a forearm." - Mugge

(Head Homo throws the Rainball right down the center of the lane.)
"That's the straightest I've ever done anything." - Head Homo

"If I was a stripper, and I was dancing to Thriller, I would do this." -Dawn, bending her arm sideways and moving it slowly back and forth
"Here's an idea, just keep her away from the strip club." - Lappy

"When did he get good?" - Reina, re: Head Homo

"I had to shake some dew off the louie." - Head Homo
"How bout you strike some dew off the whatever you're talking about?" - Lappy

"Kevin, if you gutterball, I'll give a blowjob every day for a month!" - Head Homo
"2 blow jobs!" -Tucker
(a blow job auction resumes - Kevin does not throw a gutterball regardless.)

This is not a quote, but I'd like to note that XXXtine had light-up boobs at the end of the night. Just saying.

So short version recap (too late), my team fucked the Dicks, 'nuff said - Jesse on Vicodin is a force to be reckoned with, and Limp Dick Rick is still at half mast. Valiant effort by John Berardi, who came straight from the airport to bowling (almost worthy of Brofman dedicated-ness), but he was too late to save the Dicks from blowing it. I guess they spent their load on the season, and didn't save anything for the playoffs. Hey-yo!

As for Sunshine & the O'Neals, they went in thinking they had to win the first two games, as Lappy and Reina had a super early BL marathon call time looming over their head. They lost the first game by a measly 16 pins, and came back to win the 2nd game, which, followed by a call saying their call time was pushed back to 8am, rallied the troops. But instead of a Cinderella story, it was a slasher flick, and Minds in the Gutter tortured the O'Neals in various rooms, and whipped them in the last game. Jerrycurl wore the jigsaw mask, surprisingly (it's more in character with Kevin Finn, Tucker, or Sexy Anne Frank, right?). Jerrycurl thinks the key was that Head Homo was heckling his team the whole game, especially Lil' Patrick, but got focused during the third game and actually started bowling. Big mistake. Also, Dawn's stripper moves were clearly distracting the whole team.

Have fun at the All-Star game, I'll see you in two weeks at the motherf-ing Championships!!!!

-The Commish

EP 310

So, as you all know, last night was not a regular season game, and therefore, I did not bring my notebook, intending for there to be no summary. However, being as things were "off the record", people began to let their guard down, and the night turned into something....well, summary-worthy. As an ethical bowling journalist, I cannot violate the trust of my fellow bowlers, and repeat what happened....but I can hint, right?

--There may or may not have been a bowler who normally doesn't partake in drugs....who partook....and enjoyed herself very much....
--A much-beloved bartender may or may not have hung out with us all night long, bowled with us, and even went so far as to take not one, not two, but three shots of El Dorado's finest tequila with us...
--There may or may not have been a record $1000 bet on the line....and someone lost.....and now must explain himself to his wife....
--There may or may not have been an additional bet, when said bowler ran out of money, where two male bowlers agreed to exchange sexual favors if one lost. Sadly, same bowler lost....again....and now must really explain to his wife what that strange smell on his breath is.....
--There may or may not have been an incident in the El Dorado bathroom between a male and female bowler...and even the Commish doesn't fully know what happened, but both were smiling when they came out....
--Someone may or may not have taken an item to go from El Dorado....in the shape of a bowling ball.....
--A bowler may or may not have have drank a wee bit too much and ended the night by puking in the El Dorado parking lot....
--3 bowlers may or may not have been accosted by a biker gang as they left and had to battle for their lives...and lived to tell the tale (except they can't tell it, cause it's all off the record).....

I wish I could tell you more, but as I've said, it was off the record....except for those lucky 14 bowlers, for whom it may or may not have been the best night of their lives....

See you at the playoffs next week!

-The Commish

EP 310

First off, I'm sorry for missing last night, being the last regular season game, not to mention missing out on Head Homo's brand new rainbow-brite bowling ball (don't worry, Hale sent me a picture). As an apology, I offer up a picture of a popsicle I ate that looked like a penis, or as I'm now calling it, Cock-Lollie. Most of you may have already seen it on facebook, so not really even a good apology at that.

So now, with the regular season over, we are off to the playoffs! Which means that the #1 & #2 teams have an automatic spot, while the 3rd, 4th, 5th, & 6th place teams must battle it out - anyone could win! It's crrrrrazy. So first up, next week is scheduled as the wild card game, where 3rd place and 6th place play, and 4th & 5th place play -- just to clarify, for those who were confused last season, this means only the winning teams advance to the semi-finals, which are the following week, then the finals, which will decide who will be the proud owner of the El Dorado Cup (pictures also attached - you cannot be the proud owner of my cock-lollie, because I already ate it). Sigh, remember when my team won last season? Tonight We Strike!, R.I.P. And if you really need an extra incentive, you also get to drink from the cup in a holy and religious ceremony.

So! Now that we all understand what's happening (nod your head, even if you don't) - a couple of points:

--We'll have to wait til Brofman has time to do the final stats/standings, but unless something crazy happened last night, it looks like Minds in the Gutter and the Dicks have a guaranteed spot in the semi-finals. You can still come and bowl next week during the Wild Card game, but it won't count for anything, unless you have some side bets, which the league fully condones.

--Next Monday is the premiere of BL Season 12. While a lot of us aren't necessarily affected, one of our wild card seeds, Sunshine & the O'Neals, is directly affected, because two of their best players, Lappy & Lil' Patrick, produced the premiere episode, and Reveille is throwing a premiere party that night. It would be kinda awkward if the two guys who produced the episode weren't there. So here are the two options before us:

--Do we take a week off next week and bowl for fun, and push the wild card game to the following week, 9/26?

or

--Do we have Sunshine & the O'Neals and whoever they're playing (probably Korpacz's Kids) do a make-up game during the week, so that playoffs go as scheduled?

Lastly, alternates! I have not forgotten about you. For those who don't have an assigned team, and would still love to come bowling and enjoy themselves, you can still bowl during playoffs - your scores will not count, but you will have a good time regardless. However - a couple of things:

--I think Steve-O should be considered one of The Dicks until Rick Shirey's injury is healed. Steve-O, you have been exonerated of your party foul, but you are now a Dick, and your scores shall count.

--Le Bunny is from hereforth an official member of All the Queens Men and her scores shall counteth for the remainder of the playoff season. I crown you Queen Le Bunny.

--All the Queens' Men are allowed to pick up a fifth-counting member of their team, since JerSean is sadly gone. Said member should be an equivalent average to JerSean. Perhaps Santa will come back to their team?

Ok! That's all I got - as soon as we know the official standings for 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th place teams, I'll send a separate email to Sunshine & the O'Neals and the team they are playing so we can decide what to do about next week.

Cock-lollies!

-The Commish